296 posts in this topic

I started this journal when I reached an all-time low. It might end up being mostly music here.


Everyone gone. Now there’s just me.

“My look

My love

My God 


They came from



Nowhere to turn. My mind a mess. I’m in the middle of a car crash of thoughts in my head. 


Nowhere to start. 

Nowhere to go. I don’t even want to curl up in a ball. There’s just nothing now.

“This too shall pass.” Yet every time I’m ‘here’ I could convince myself that this is the only true state there is.

Nothingness. Here I am again. Like an old friend. It’s bittersweet. It’s not even sad. It’s nothing. Does anything ever even change? Ground zero.


Except it’s not.   


I can’t move. I can’t go to bed. I can’t cry. So I write. So I start. Again.

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"Your relationship with God is the same as your relationship with the sun. If you hid from the sun for years and then chose to come out of your darkness, the sun would still be shining as if you had never left. You don’t need to apologise. You just pick your head up and look at the sun." - Michael A. Singer

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@flume Sending my love to you <3

"Sometimes the space within is greater than the space without" - Mooji


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@Natasha Thank you so much Natasha! Listened to that in the morning of a busy day. Much appreciated <3 Hope you're doing good.

@Bill W Hi Bill! I'm in a bit of a whirl at the moment. A lot of new things going on, I feel like I'm at the start of a new chapter in my life. New city, new people, new interests... If you ever want to be deeply humbled by life, start something new from scratch. A sport, a language, a job or any skill. Anyway, spending lots of time on figuring out the details of how to be a functioning adult in society:D Also just worked the first day at a job that I actually love doing more than anything else AND got payed for it. I had tears in my eyes. 
My brain hurts so much from thinking though. I hate meditation at the moment. Such a drag.
But hey, that usually only lasts for some days.
Hope you're doing good!

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Reality isn’t as solid as you think. It just seems this way because you never actually stop your gaze or your stream of thought. Everything’s always in motion. So are you. Only when you become very very still will you notice that there’s nothing to hold on to…

I’m not independent. I don’t end.

Self inquiry quite literally feels like holding a knife to my own throat. 

Am I ready for psychedelics?

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When you thought things are going great and then a single comment of your parents makes you cry all night. :-)

Oh boy.

I’ll never be good enough for them anyway. Why do I even keep trying? Being a disappointment to the people you love most in your life is honestly the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. No appreciation for who you truly are, your opinions, struggles, talents, decisions,… When every time you try to open up and invest in the relationship, you think it’s going great and then BOOM you get stabbed in the most unexpected moments. I’m reminded that I’m not nearly as ‘good’ as they are, that I’m not accomplishing enough, trying hard enough,….

And it feels like nothing has ever changed and I’m still the same 8 year old trying to get my shit back together. How do you even have the courage to get back up when you were stabbed in the same place a hundred times?

How does one heal?

I wanna run away so hard. I wanna close down so much. Why do I even keep going back to them all the time?
So many times I swore I wound never come back home, that I’ll just stop doing this to myself.  Blow up everything and live in the woods.
I’m so tired of this. 

What draws me back then?

Wanting to heal, I guess. 

A desperation for resolving a pattern that is running my life. Fixing it with the person that is at the root of it. My perfectionism… Everything I do is an expression of it. Even that I’m writing this right now… Oh god… Makes me wanna throw up.

At the same time, they’re the biggest measure for my growth at all times. They’re perfectly mirroring where I’m hurt and what to take a closer look at. My mom knows all the weak spots that are left. No person or method is as direct as her. As Ram Dass said, if you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your parents.

Curious how I’m snapping right back into emotional reaction mode. No space in between emotions and thoughts.

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Is that the outcome if a lot of people all take psychedelics together at the same time? These people have reached a higher state of consciousness :D

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It’s hard and boring to keep up practices when it feels like you’re plateauing. I might have reached my edge in how much I can do in a day and nothing much is happening anymore. Law of diminishing returns might be a thing even in personal development. Maybe that’s why I’m suddenly interested in psychedelics. Don’t get me wrong, I still love learning, more than ever at the moment. I’m all over my books and all that good stuff. Just in my personal journey it seems like nothing much is changing about my level of mindfulness, gratitude… Doing more doesn’t really lead to more results. At some point it won’t anymore. 

I’m stuck. I’m bored. Those newbie gains were awesome. I felt like a totally different person almost everyday.

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