Clearing Out

[Raptorsin7]

@mandyjw Very interesting. Thank's for that perspective i never really thought of self referential thinking without I, but it's true you can have thoughts that directly assume there is an I behind the thoughts. 

Just like what i wrote above, and what i'm writing now lol.

[mandyjw]

@Raptorsin7 Yes, but it's only by feeling that you know the nature of your thoughts. The "I" is never the problem. "I like apples" is not a problematic thought, even though I'm explicitly talking about myself and my relationship to an outside object. However if I watch a man judge another woman's body and I feel awful about what he says, I have identified with her, or with myself rather, without having any thought of an "I" whatsoever. I had a "point of reference" both for how he should behave and maybe another layer of feeling held to a standard of beauty and identification with the thought of the female body that is ultimately threatening to me. Even though I'm just witnessing this situation my feelings about it without a self referential thought that I can point to, my unconscious identification with the illusory self make itself known by feeling. 

Edited March 2, 2020 by mandyjw

[Raptorsin7]

Wow. Thank you.

[mandyjw]

Last night I had another dream in which I had very strong uncontrollable emotional reactions that I acted on. 

In context, my Grandmother died a year ago, just had to look it up, she died a year ago TOMORROW. They just sold her house. I never thought it would sell but property has started moving much faster. In my positive mindset I didn't think about it, knew to let it go, but seeing the uhauls and the strangers in made it real. She lived down the hill from my parents, with the brook we caught frogs in and skated on in between. I used to cross the stream and go visit her all the time. Lots and lots of memories I won't go into. It's a HUGE change. Dad told me that the woman's name is an alias and she paid cash and my parents are always suspicious of people and disagreed with my aunt's decision to sell the house for various reasons. 

Side note, I really hate the idea of owning land as property, but also don't know how we get around that.

Anyway, last night I dreamed that I took my kids to play in the brook and ended up climbing up on their property because the water was higher than I thought. When I did there was this big group of people and the woman who bought the house loudly complaining and dissing the community and they said "drugs, drugs, drugs, drugs, drugs!" I for whatever reason, (emotions aren't always explained by the story which makes no sense when later examined), was livid. In mocking them and letting them know I was there listening to their conversation with two small kids listening I yelled out "DRUGS!". 

They/she immediately told me that I was on their property, explained that the property line was way further back than I thought (which was an actual conversation I overheard my parents having) and I immediately felt awful about what I had done and apologized and backtracked. Next thing I knew I was at a dinner party with them all, we were friends, even though I didn't think I really fit in or was fancy enough for dinner parties. 

I normally would shirk this off but since the last emotionally charged dream was important to realizing something, and it came back to me so vividly and I figured I'd write it out. I'm just getting over a really rough virus I think may have been the flu, so I'm just going to write what I have and maybe come back to it later. 

I remembered that when I first found Leo's videos, I thought he looked like a "druggy", and had lots of judgments and some reservations about this. I was a little surprised with myself that I put that aside and liked his videos so much. This was long before psychedelics were spoken of. Drug issues are a major concern of the community and because of lack of opportunities and resources, they aren't dealt with well. My neighbors are raising their little grandson because his Mom ODed... while he was in her care. Anyone from "away" is suspected of being a drug dealer. There's no subject so charged with shame, fear and judgment. For years I was programmed to believe that anyone who uses drugs is unstable, dangerous, immoral, unclean, worse.

There's a survival instinct or learned judgment of scanning people's faces to look for signs of it. It's more than that though. There are other visual triggers that cause me to mistrust, fear or judge someone seemingly automatically. I want to see through these. I can with time, with talking myself out of it, looking for things to appreciate, but I don't want it to be a knee jerk reaction anymore. I still remember in 7th grade, getting a new kid in class and noticing the contrast between my knee jerk reaction to him and how I felt later. God, I hated his eyebrows. They were just so thick and awful and made him look mean. I hated him. Could hardly stand to look at him. Then I got to know him. He quickly became one of my favorite people to be around. 

Love at first sight? Not for the separate self. 

[tsuki]

Funny should you mention emotional dreams. I just had one today.
For whatever reason I was absolutely mad at my mother, totally enraged, throwing things, yelling, screaming and generally demolishing the place.
I was acting this anger out because I wanted my father to help me calm down, but I was so mad that all I could do is just scream.

My wife woke me up because I was moaning (screaming?) in my sleep.
 

[mandyjw]

@tsuki Wow. It took me so long to be willing to see how dreams connect and are trying to point things out. The last few I've had have made me feel strange because in real life I'd be watching my reactions like a hawk not acting automatically on them, but in the dream I have no control. Is control a key word here?  I am forced to just witness the full fury of my acting and reacting on my emotions.

Edited March 4, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Ok, so thoughts are not a problem, in the way I *think* about thoughts. If I have an inner dialog, the thought is already made conscious of. It's the feelings, the automatic root and the wrong assumption/illusion behind them that if watched can reveal to us our unconscious assumption of being a finite self. This may be why journaling is so key for me, the thought is made aware by putting it into words, then it's put in front of me visually in writing. Especially having a journal that is public makes me examine my thoughts and try to look from an outside perspective as if they weren't my own. Sometimes people even tell me themselves. I have all kinds of opportunities to see what I've been previously assuming. 

"Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean."  -Matthew 23:26 

Pharisee, fair I see, *snicker*

Previously how I've been watching my thoughts and expressions has been outward, like washing the outside of a dish. I thought I was going inward but, as I stated in a previous insight, there's no outer and inner in thought, there's no center point of a sphere outside of a concept. No point of reference.

 Look! More boob analogies! 

" Jesus saw some little ones nursing. He said to his disciples, "These little ones who are nursing resemble is those who enter the kingdom." They said to him, "So shall we enter the kingdom by being little ones?" Jesus said to them, "When you (plur.) make the two one and make the inside like the outside and the outside like the inside and the above like the below, and that you might make the male and the female be one and the same, so that the male might not be male nor the female be female, when you make eyes in place of an eye and a hand in place of a hand and a foot in place of a foot, an image in place of an image - then you will enter [the kingdom]." -From the Gospel of Thomas

Edited March 4, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Oh weird, WEIRD! Last night I was wondering if the fact that at the dinner party the woman wore a bright red dress was significant or not. I decided that it was my stupid girly brain thinking about fashion. But I really noticed it in the dream. 

I just saw this comment. I've never seen The Matrix. 

https://matrix.fandom.com/wiki/Woman_in_Red

 

[mandyjw]

 

 

[mandyjw]

Annnnnnd.... watching yourself on camera and listening back to what you said without judement. "I just KNEW it wasn't real. A projection of my brain." *facepalm*

[Zigzag Idiot]

10 hours ago, mandyjw said:

Annnnnnd.... watching yourself on camera and listening back to what you said without judement. "I just KNEW it wasn't real. A projection of my brain." *facepalm*

You're willing to express yourself in front of the camera. To be vulnerable in that way is a courageous act. I'm unable to do it.

I just watched Teal Swan's latest. There's an interesting correlation I can't define at the moment, between the 'spirit' of her video and the 'spirit ' of yours.

?

 

[SilentTears]

Hey Mandy, do you remember the book "The Grail Path"? I'm sure you do lol. Anyway, I wanted to ask about insights you had about the book. I'm noticing that both the divine paths resonate with me deeply. Which is odd. I mean, when I do things like "killing the ego" - self inquiry. I resonate and experience extreme love. I also seem to be called to almost everything she has listed under the "Benefical Religions and Practices for the Creative and Emotional person" (page 18). 

I seem to fall under the space of the grail path as everything I'm guided to fits that. My question really is "do you think self inquiry is an ego killing method or the heros journey practice?" I don't feel like it is, but logically isn't finding out that there is no self and we are really just a thought thinking more thoughts and becoming identified with those thoughts killing the sense of self I once held?  

Thanks a bunch 

Edited March 6, 2020 by SilentTears

[mandyjw]

@Zigzag Idiot Thank you! Interested to watch it. 

 

@SilentTears No, I do not think that there is anything wrong with self inquiry. I do believe that following intuition and using creative new ways to go about the same "practices"... maybe without even knowing that one is doing a practice at all, is more of the path of the creative type. For example some practices that people have to do may be ingrained in you or second nature and others may have to seek these out and intentionally "practice" them. 

It makes a lot of sense that both paths would resonate with you. The book had a lot of value in giving credit to a path that is not recognized by many in this work, however the goal of nonduality is integration. It's both paths, all paths, no paths. In the end there is no real self concept of one on a path or having traveled any path at all. Many teachers teach assuming that the path they traveled and the order in which they realized things is normal, and that their map can be copied and given to others as if spirituality is a linear progression, like with most practical things you can learn. This is why people who are likely to really look up to a teacher and want to be told what practices specifically to do are more likely to see the more intuitive creative path as foolish, distraction and a waste of time. No one outside of you can make that judgment and can allow other's judgments into their consideration. We were taught from an early age to follow the rules, do what we're told and play it safe. Even in spirituality, where we let ourselves be free, an authority or teacher can still take that role of a parent or teacher without us seeing this tendency. 

I think the main take away is to trust yourself, trust yourself to follow your heart and uncover the wisdom that is already there. Trust the practices that resonate with you. For me a lot of my journey has been moving back and forth between buckling down and getting serious and letting go, accepting and practicing self love. Meditation and being itself is where those things can't be called opposites anymore. 

 

 

Edited March 6, 2020 by mandyjw

[SilentTears]

I loved your reply! Thank you for this kind explanation. From my own experience I have also clearly seen that when I follow my intuition and do things a bit “different” I tend to get amazing results. 

I really enjoyed how you spoke about non duality in your reply. It’s been a major theme in my life so far. I’m really seeing how judgement creates duality. 

Ps. Thanks for your videos. They often kick me into a more aware state. When you teach I’m always like “yes, yes!”  

[mandyjw]

@SilentTears  That's the BEST compliment, thank you! 

 

I had a couple thoughts today worth writing down. One was about getting "sucked in" to a low vibration when people are upset around me. My four year old is extremely dramatic. I practice being present and letting the vibration move "through me" which works perfectly sometimes and other times not. It's easy for me to know that I don't need to get upset when she is upset, because she cries about ridiculous little things. But the "super serious important" things grown ups get upset about are just as ridiculous as her not be allowed to wear her Paw Patrol underwear on the outside of her pants. 

Yesterday I made a really big connection with the way I have practiced tonglen in the past (for lack of a better description, because I'm incapable of following directions and never know what the fuck I'll improvise in a recipe because I have a better idea). Anyway, I "realized" how to connect breath, body and emotions, at first in regard to "other" people and saw how this all connected. All those strong emotions I've had in regards to "other people" all my life are not a barrier but energy. 

Then I was bringing in groceries. I was thinking about my body and how I was just using it to do my bidding as if it were a vehicle or an object I owned. And I realized how ridiculous it is for me to get mad at anyone for objectifying me, because I've done it on the deepest level my entire life and am the only one who can do so.  

[mandyjw]

How are you supposed to reconcile this BEAUTIFUL practice with the law of attraction and insights from Abraham Hicks that say to not focus on pain? https://www.lionsroar.com/how-to-practice-tonglen/ I don't think there can be directions for it.

A few days ago a comment by Leo in response to someone struck me. He basically said that there is something like a mourning period for the ego. I wasn't sure what I thought of this, it sounded like a conundrum much like focusing on someone's pain and breathing it in. For the past few nights I have been having these sort of insight experiences for lack of a better description. I had another emotional dream where I reacted since the last I mentioned, but since then just visualizations. 

One was a seeing/feeling sort of visualization of how when two people are interacting, one conscious and one not, it is only the interaction the One and so it's inconsequential who "one" is as one is no one of the two. The visual part could best be described as the infinity symbol, the two connected loops, each empty in the center. 

Last night I had one of these visualizations which are always positive in nature except last night. I mourned my ego. There was a lot of emotion around it.

It also made the question come up morning, do I really suffer in dreams? Do I suffer like I do in the day? I don't think I do. It brings everything back around to the first question I asked in this post. 

I had one last normal dream before I woke up. I dreamed that I was in an awful old house and there was wind coming in from somewhere. I had put a sheet of wall paper up but it was coming loose and blowing around. I pinned it down again and when I looked again, I saw that the wallpaper was partially covering a screen of a tv. 

Edited March 7, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

https://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/nanamoli/PathofPurification2011.pdf

[mandyjw]

For the past two days I've meditated with an attempt at perfect posture. I've always had bad posture. I've noticed that there's like a fire in my belly which arises and is uncomfortable when my spine is straight. So I always slouch. This fire, I'm starting to realize, is energy and alertness. Though slouching and curling up soothes it, it's also dulling and makes me sleepy. By the end of a meditation session, I'm shaking, energized. I don't have the lovely sleepy daydreams and feelings that I normally do. It feels more like endurance, a continual going back to feeling the actuality of what I want to call "back pain". 

[mandyjw]

Seeking feeling better < seeking feeling better < seeking feeling better

[DrewNows]

5 hours ago, mandyjw said:

For the past two days I've meditated with an attempt at perfect posture. I've always had bad posture. I've noticed that there's like a fire in my belly which arises and is uncomfortable when my spine is straight. So I always slouch. This fire, I'm starting to realize, is energy and alertness. Though slouching and curling up soothes it, it's also dulling and makes me sleepy. By the end of a meditation session, I'm shaking, energized. I don't have the lovely sleepy daydreams and feelings that I normally do. It feels more like endurance, a continual going back to feeling the actuality of what I want to call "back pain". 

Awesome reminds me of walking meditation, I get so blissed out, belly full of fire with powerful energy/presence It’s like a total absorbing/connection with experience. Good posture is like complete openness and vulnerability 

6 hours ago, mandyjw said:

A few days ago a comment by Leo in response to someone struck me. He basically said that there is something like a mourning period for the ego. I wasn't sure what I thought of this, it sounded like a conundrum much like focusing on someone’s pain and breathing it in.

This is interesting. I imagine breathing in pain relates to energy healing. I feel the mourning periods come in waves as higher frequencies are accessed /embodied. More collective pain must be integrated/released in the shifts. 

I’ve been contemplating life stories and how necessary they seem for the ego, it’s like it ties directly into will power and purpose. In a certain state I can see many stories all happening at once and I begin to realize I’m just seeing the infinite potential.
Lately my awareness of the power to manifest experiences I subconsciously desire has been so strong. The ego/resistance keeps getting in the way. Id like to hear anything you wish to share regarding living life through stories, connecting with the subconscious, dreaming etc.

Im at the do or die stage “ready to dream board this bitch” and not to fear the inevitable backlashes of society. I keep going with the “baby steps” approach but unable to cope with falling off the horse, the negative energies become too powerful. I’ve begun working with these energies but I guess it’s not enough unless they are used for “good” (what feels right)