Clearing Out

[mandyjw]

turn around (You fucking cold hearted bitch) bright eyes

turn around (God Fucking Damnit, turnaround already) bright eyes!

 

 

[mandyjw]

Sitting at my desk feeling kinda aimless. What do you want? I want a clean house. It's a mess after so much time and focus inwards, here. I start taking care of things and realize I have to move all my books into the bookshelf in the yellow hall because the puppy has done a number on my Narnia series and even got my tarot guidebook. I moved my law of attraction and tarot cards in there, which I haven't touched in a while and then got an impulse to pick a card. I thought about how it would be perfect if I pulled the lion strength card, and guess what? That was the one.

 

 

[seeking_brilliance]

14 hours ago, mandyjw said:

@DrewNows  

Last year before the awakening I lost a DVD my kids rented from the library. It drove me CRAZY. I looked everywhere. Today, I lost my hairbrush. Both of them. And all the combs, except for my daughter's baby comb. It makes no sense. I looked everywhere. I ended up buying a copy on ebay and taking the disk to return so I wouldn't have to fess up. I looked in the couch for a comb just now, and there was the Barney DVD.

Titled "Just Imagine" 

 

 

 

? 

[mandyjw]

I did not intent to write a book on "Enlightenment for Desperate Housewives" but that seems to be a major theme. The deeper I go the more feminine themed stuff comes our, likely because that was repressed. 

Sexual repression, resonating so strongly with the Victorian era and fancy designs in art and craftsmanship all sort of came up as a theme lately.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Female_hysteria 

"According to Pierre Roussel and Jean-Jacques Rousseau, femininity was a natural and essential desire for women, "Femininity is for both authors an essential nature, with defined functions, and the disease is explained by the non-fulfillment of natural desire."[9] It was during this era of industrial revolution and the major development of cities and modern life, that this natural tendency was thought to be disrupted, causing lethargy or melancholy leading to hysteria.[9]"

"Sigmund Freud claimed that hysteria was not anything physical at all but an emotional, internal affliction that could affect both males and females, which was caused by previous trauma that led to the afflicted being unable to enjoy sex in the normal way.[11][13] This would later lead to Freud's development of the Oedipus Complex, which connotes femininity as a failure, or lack of masculinity.[13] Though these earlier studies had shown that men were also prone to suffer from hysteria, including Freud himself,[5] over time, the condition was related mainly to issues of femininity as the continued study of hysteria took place only in women.[27] Many cases that had previously been labeled hysteria were reclassified by Freud as anxiety neuroses.[26] Sigmund Freud was fascinated by cases of hysteria. He thought that hysteria may have been related to the unconscious mind and separate from the conscious mind or the ego.[28] He was convinced that deep conflicts in the mind, some concerning instinctual drives for sex and aggression, were driving the behavior of those with hysteria. Freud developed psychoanalysis in order to help patients that had been diagnosed with hysteria reduce internal conflicts causing physical and emotional suffering."

 

 

 

Edited January 25, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Yesterday I got in a funk and I just went outside and followed my intuition, I ended up going in by the steam that flows behind the cemetery. It ended up being a meditation/adventure/exploration. I ended up following some animal tracks, going into the cemetery and laying down in the snow by Dr. P's grave like the time I went there at night on the full moon. I just looked up to the sky, and the monument behind is so tall that it's always in view. So are the very snake like branches of the black locust trees. It's funny, the phallic monument, the meaning of his name "apple king" and the snake like trees, all very suggestive of the symbolic male/female split of the garden of Eden. 

With just the infinite sky in the background. 

A Victorian era clairvoyant doctor, what better to be a repressed housewife's fantasy.  Hysterical. 

The historical society lady I met this summer, I could tell was also having the same fantasy about him. She mentioned in the talk how incredibly LARGE and IMPRESSIVE his monument was. She also said that her husband would be quite happy to have "his wife back" after the presentation because she got so obsessed with it and the new information that suddenly appeared after I started going to them and researching him there. 

There was this one photo of him that she ranted about how it came into possession of the historical society the wrong way. It was a picture of him in an incredibly ornate chair with his moody looking wife standing next to him. I forgot that he loved horses and had horses here.

I tried to write the word "release" on my dream board and apparently can't spell it because I wrote realease. real lease Apparently my concept of real was only ever just a lease. 

Edited January 25, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

I ended up unexpectedly going to my Grandmother's house to go through one last time because someone is buying it. It was an odd experience, and felt like a lot of things tying together, with a lot of synchronicity.  I realized that every one of us has a different image or story we tell ourselves and others about her. Did she ever really exist? Ever really die? No. I took the old pair of owls from the 70's and a plate I'd never noticed but was always there that says,

"For All of Us,

There is so much bad in the best of us and so much good in the worst of us, that it hardly behooves any of us to talk about the rest of us"

I also took the latch hook rug that I always thought was hideous that says "Love One Another". And a glass hummingbird that was bought for her when she was in the hospital and she asked that her roommate be bought one too because she liked it so much. My Grammie just loved blindly, without a thought for the most part. I never appreciated the power in it until the end. I suppose I did, always, as much as I was able to. But I was always wondered where her ambition was. 

The latest realization about my marriage and how responsible I am feels like/ IS an awakening. It's a sudden complete paradigm shift. I also realize that in experience, I don't know what will come of it, and for now the change is only in heart. It feels as exciting as anything could be in life. I just sometimes get this thrill of excitement from it like I did in the last awakening realizing I could never die.  

The reality of it in practice is still painful. You don't wake up from a tantrum in which you trash your house, and immediately awaken to a clean home as if it had never happened. And this time I don't get to force it, control it, make it happen. 

 

 

I am here and I see your pain
Through the storms, through the clouds, the rain
I'm telling you you cannot escape
You can do it, just feel baby

[DrewNows]

On 1/24/2020 at 4:16 PM, mandyjw said:

@DrewNows 

 

  love it...but i was being serious!

Getting down to the brass tax of science and biology here while, of course, naturally leaving room for the magic of seeing what is beyond thought. My mother tagged us kids in a land before time post on facebook a few weeks back and some memories have been coming back. Feeling like a giddy little child again hearing the songs

 

[mandyjw]

@DrewNows love Land Before Time. 

 

I had a nightmare last night in which I ended up drawn into a horrible situation and disposing of a body for someone and not knowing what they wanted me to do. When I woke up I realized that the dream meant that I take the very worst parts of other people's problems upon myself. In thought and emotion.

I also made a stomach turning connection. My Dad hated his mother and always spoke ill of her. He adored his father who was quiet. His mother always pushed his father around and never respected him. She was controlling, had low self esteem and cared very much what other people thought. Dad's father died young of a sudden heart attack. 

Dad absorbed her thinking patterns and behavior, and I absorbed his, making my marriage a carbon copy of his own parent's. He continued to insist that he alone was worthy of respect and disparaged my husband constantly. My sister and mom used to compare me to my Grandmother Lily a lot, and I was her FAVORITE out of all the grandchildren. Just like I was Dad's favorite daughter. She loved crafts, art, and birds. Last year before the awakening, I asked my husband to take some portrait pictures of me. My sister said I looked just like my Grandmother Lily in them. The name, symbol Lily keeps come up. There are my favorite flower.

I didn't spend much on our wedding. All the flowers were grown, given to me or wildflowers because we were married in August. I grew some lilies that year and they bloomed perfectly, opening just for the morning the day of my wedding and they were the centerpiece of my bouquet. 

 

Edited January 26, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Overcoming fear and vulnerability, ceasing to use thinking for fear of survival rather than feeling and trusting the actuality of one's experience, which is all there is, which is nothing but love... this is not just the key to being a good wife.

It's how you be. 

 

[mandyjw]

Why does opening up to feeling, such as in meditation or whatever sort, open the door to the subconscious? Then it's like there's a windstorm out and shit just starts blowing around everywhere. If you avoid feeling you cut yourself off from who you are in various ways. Thinking thinks it has considered everything, it thinks it sees everywhere, thinks it's avoiding the spooks and the boogeymen, whereas the most obvious things that "other people" seem to see instantly.

Matthew 7:3-5 3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Luke 11:25 24 When an unclean spirit comes out of a man, it passes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ 25 On its return, it finds the house swept clean and put in order. 26 Then it goes and brings seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and dwell there. And the final plight of that man is worse than the first.”…

Is this really about repression, or believing that you've cleansed yourself and in reality, rejected more of yourself?

Of course the concept of the subconscious, is itself a separation and limitation of the infinite Self, and what we call the subconscious is just oneness. When you first tap in the spooks come in. You either slam the door or invite them in to the party.

If you don't want to sit there in fear and awkwardness, you should find some good music, get some decorations and good food to eat, become a great party host. Then the spooks become fun entertainment, and if you dance along with them you'll hardly notice if a few of your nice things get broken in the revelry. 

If you don't consider this important step, you're in for some real discomfort as the spooks sit along a dreary wall staring at you with dead eyes.

 

 

Edited January 26, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

From the Gospel of Thomas http://gnosis.org/naghamm/gosthom.html

7. Jesus said, "Lucky is the lion that the human will eat, so that the lion becomes human. And foul is the human that the lion will eat, and the lion still will become human."

 

"For there are five trees in Paradise for you; they do not change, summer or winter, and their leaves do not fall. Whoever knows them will not taste death." 

Are these the senses? Aren't nerve connections shaped like trees?

48. Jesus said, "If two make peace with each other in a single house, they will say to the mountain, 'Move from here!' and it will move."

83. Jesus said, "Images are visible to people, but the light within them is hidden in the image of the Father's light. He will be disclosed, but his image is hidden by his light."

112. Jesus said, "Damn the flesh that depends on the soul. Damn the soul that depends on the flesh."

101. "Whoever does not hate [father] and mother as I do cannot be my [disciple], and whoever does [not] love [father and] mother as I do cannot be my [disciple]. For my mother [...], but my true [mother] gave me life."

Edited January 26, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Say Yes Quickly

Forget your life. Say God is Great. Get up.
You think you know what time it is. It’s time to pray.
You’ve carved so many little figurines, too many.
Don’t knock on any random door like a beggar.
Reach your long hands out to another door, beyond where
you go on the street, the street
where everyone says, “How are you?”
and no one says How aren’t you?

Tomorrow you’ll see what you’ve broken and torn tonight,
thrashing in the dark. Inside you
there’s an artist you don’t know about.
He’s not interested in how things look different in moonlight.

If you are here unfaithfully with us,
you’re causing terrible damage.
If you’ve opened your loving to God’s love,
you’re helping people you don’t know
and have never seen.

Is what I say true? Say yes quickly,
if you know, if you’ve known it
from before the beginning of the universe. - Rumi

 

Don’t let your throat tighten
with fear. Take sips of breath
all day and night. Before death
closes your mouth.

There’s no love in me without your being,
no breath without that. I once thought
I could give up this longing, then though again,
But I couldn’t continue being human. -Rumi

 

You are the only faithful student you have.
All the others leave eventually.

Have you been making yourself shallow
with making other eminent?

Just remember, when you’re in union,
you don’t have to fear
that you’ll be drained.

The command comes to speak,
and you feel the ocean
moving through you.
Then comes, Be silent,
as when the rain stops,
and the trees in the orchard
begin to draw moisture
up into themselves. -Rumi

[mandyjw]

Living on love, buying on time
Without somebody nothing ain't worth a dime
It's like that old fashioned storybook rhyme
Living on love
It sounds simple that's what you're thinking
Love can walk through fire without blinking
It doesn't take much, when you get enough
Living on love
No, It doesn't take much, when you get enough
Living on love

 

 

[mandyjw]

It's so simple, envision/dream, appreciate, love, and when it seems like you can't, meditate and get in touch with that which is limitless love. 

I assumed that my husband and others were responsible for their actions. I didn't understand that the reactions and interaction I get from people is my responsibility. Ironically when I believed he was responsible I tried to take on responsibility for the results, responsibility that was his, and thought that taking on the mental burden of perceived deficiencies was what was necessary to have the life I wanted. As that failed and failed, I tried less and loved less. When you love someone less, you love yourself less. When you love yourself more, you love everyone else more. You cannot separate these. 

I don't know why I didn't do this with my kids as much. I think because they are so young, I didn't expect anything from them and understood that my responsibility was truly, in a practical nature my responsibility. I forgave them for everything and put all the blame on my partner. There was an exception to that though, I fell into resenting the kids themselves in a big way last year and The Empowered Wife book's suggestions of appreciating self care helped me more in that area than with my husband. 

It's almost incomprehensible that I read and enjoyed The Empowered Wife book last year, had an awakening, "understood" the Law of Attraction and stayed so blind, so long in this area. Of course this feeling is ego. It's the remnants of thinking I was good and intelligent and now grappling with the understanding that that was a flawed belief. How pervasive the need to be "good" is that one will sell their own soul just to identify with one out of fear of the other. I didn't read that book for me, I read it for my friend, to connect with her, and to prove that I was open-minded to conservative anti-feminist bullshit. Instead I found pure Law of Attraction, minus a few personal reflections of the author's own examined side. It is a very dangerous thing, to look and see these flaws in a book, or a person, and focus on them and fail to respect and receive the gift that is there for you.

I know that all along, my resistance to the law of attraction and anything associated with positive psychology, was a deep deep desire and commitment to truth. 

I should have known, the truth is, it's all fantasy. The deep love I had of all the stories and fairy tales of my childhood exist in every moment. The truth is it's all imagination.  

After I awakened to this, I fucked off for a really long time. (Of course it's flawed perception/story telling to not love myself for needing some time.) The duality between fantasy and reality persisted, I thought that I wanted fantasy and magic, to the exclusion and repression of reality. What I really wanted was integration of the two. 

It took this long to see that that is what I want, not what I should do. There is no acceptance until there is desire of what is. 

 

Edited January 27, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

"There's something I don't want to show to you, (shows giant horse head sculpture) but um the beauty of perfect awakening is that nothing needs to be hidden. Your whole life you've been hiding and keeping secrets and secret shames and things you've been embarrassed about that you didn't want to reveal to anybody. Why didn't you want to reveal these things? Because it threatens your survival." 

 

[mandyjw]

Since the realization about how I've been mistreating my husband on a level of thought and therefore action, and having the vision of what life could be my intuition has increased but there's still doubt and fear that comes with it. Yesterday I didn't follow an intuition to go back in after I dropped my daughter off and nothing seemed to come of it except fear and doubt and a lot of contemplation about why this happens to me. The only thing odd was that after this I saw a bald eagle right on the side of the road eating something dead, a porcupine I think. It's rare to see them up close.  When I picked her up I was nervous that something bad might happen because I didn't follow the impulse and absolutely nothing happened or came up. I saw the eagle again a second time. It later reminded me of the symbolism of communion, of the symbols of the animals eating themselves up and I mentioned that in another thread. 

I messaged Nahm to ask about what was going on with the intuition. I elaborated on why I felt the fear and doubt and some other fears related to those. He said it was self judgement. Then it hit me.

I relegated my abuse and mistreatment to others, then was completely blind as to how these thought patterns played out in the mistreatment and not appreciating or respecting my husband. I thought he should act a certain way to earn my respect. When I saw through this it was amazing.

I didn't see that I am him, that exactly how I speak to myself in my own mind is how I speak to him when I'm not at my best. That's why The Empowered Wife book is all about self care and making yourself happy so you have the mental reserves to treat your spouse how he deserves to be treated. Because you love you, you free your spouse to be able to show you love too. 

I thought I understood and knew this connection, I know that we are one, love another as yourself blah blah blah. I just didn't see how my thoughts were destroying our connection, and then didn't see that the root of this is that I let them destroy my own connection with myself. I watched and loved Leo's Self Love video and I'm all about self love. I just didn't understand how sneaky I was being.

"I'll love myself when I'm enlightened." 

 

[mandyjw]

17 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

"I'll love myself when I'm enlightened." 

Oh shit. It's funny but it's also true. 

[mandyjw]

I'll love myself when I'm enlightened. 

[mandyjw]

"Do you LOVE AIR???" asks my son to our puppy. 

"He doesn't KNOW there's air he just breathes it." I replied.

[mandyjw]

I was feeling prone to depression off and on today, knowing with even greater clarity that in these cases meditation = self love. I started feeling frustrated and impatient because I had to walk across a sheet of ice and I just stopped and was present with it and remembered how ridiculous it is for someone to complain about walking on ice when that same person tells themselves that they love to ice skate. What's the difference really? Choice and intention. 

What does one really want, but to make every moment a conscious choice (acceptance) and to have intention. This becomes more necessary and harder when you're interrupted with kids and disasters frequently. 

I was feeling lonely, and contemplating why I would feel lonely after realizing that I'm completely responsible for my feelings.

I took a shower which always improves my mood but my daughter came up after two minutes with a tantrum of crying and screaming because she ate all her cheerios. I tried offering her solutions and telling her to be patient but she wasn't having it. Again I meditated through it. I also noticed a sort of effortlessness to it, like I just wasn't tempted to join her in her intense frustration. This idea pleased me and then it really just struck me as funny that I was feeling lonely and having a screaming child was what finally cheered me up and just then she stuck her head in the shower curtain and saw me laughing, which made her scream harder and me laugh more. 

I got so overzealous with dancing and Pilates over the past week that I hurt my foot. Probably due to my misinterpretation of self love. I got under my goal weight I had written on my vision board so I wrote down my absolute ideal instead. I need to get more even keel on dieting and fitness and let the foot heal. I am still somewhat shocked how far I got in a week by envisioning and loving every minute of it. 

 

Edited January 29, 2020 by mandyjw