Emotional Sobriety Journal

[Ananta]

6 hours ago, Bill W said:

@Anna1 Nice one. Yep you got it Anna. I never even knew you could do that on Google to be honest. 

?

[MuddyBoots]

On 04/10/2019 at 10:31 PM, Bill W said:

 

Nice post Bill! IMO the most critical people have the most to hide in themselves We can usually tell if feedback is constructive and positive or not. 

@Anna1  I like how you did that google search too! 

Nick. 

[Ananta]

@Bill W @MuddyBoots Thanks

I use this-

https://www.labnol.org/internet/mobile-reverse-image-search/29014/#images

Ps, If you ever want to know if someone is sending you a fake pic, then download it and search it! 

Also, with my phone if I press and hold on a pic it gives me an option to google search it

Edited October 6, 2019 by Anna1

[Bill W]

My main 12 step fellowship is Alcoholics Anonymous. The actual 12 steps are virtually identical regardless of fellowship. Some of the more well known fellowships are alcoholics, cocaine, narcotics and over eaters. Of course there is also Al-Anon for family and other loved ones of addicts.

My alcohol and drug sobriety is very strong right now. Next Friday 11 October I celebrate one year of total abstinence from alcohol and sleeping pills. No slips. No relapses.

Anyway, I wanted to share the first 3 steps. I have gone for emotions anonymous as they swap the word alcohol with emotions and that is where I am at right now.

 

Step 1

We admitted we were powerless over our emotions — that our lives had become unmanageable.

 

Step 2

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

 

Step 3

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

[Ananta]

2 minutes ago, Bill W said:

Next Friday 11 October I celebrate one year of total abstinence from alcohol and sleeping pills. No slips. No relapses.

Awesome, congrats!?

[Bill W]

@Anna1 Thanks Anna 

[Bill W]

We have a saying in AA..... "self-will run riot".

I was going to write a bit about that tonight, but I will just leave this post with the term/saying and expand later. It applies to me and it relates to my emotional sobriety!

It might also be a good time to remind myself of the Lords Prayer

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name; thy kingdom come; thy will be done; on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, for ever and ever.

Thy will. Not my will. 

 

 

[Bill W]

I always thought fear was at the route of most, if not all emotional difficulties.

But perhaps underneath fear is a default lack of Faith setting. I'm not lumping Faith and Religion together necessarily. 

One thing I've learned about fear or I think I've learned, is that it can be helpful looking at specific fears to a degree, but there is a danger of just wasting so much time because fear will just repackage itself again and again.  

I wonder what percentage of emotionally sick people are walking around believing that their problems are external and caused by something other than their own internal settings and dare i say it infection/illness.

The external world is probably more likely to help solve our problems than cause them. Life throws lessons and teachers our way all the time. The most dumb people can still teach you something tomorrow. If anything they always teach you tolerance.

The external environment can be a playground for developing mastery just like the internal world of the mind and body can. 

Proper work on internal dysfunctional programming PLUS pragmatic use of interacting with the external environment equals best chance of serenity for me.

We need to road test all our techniques and practices. It's fine being all Zen and Christ like in our bedroom or down at the gym but most of us have to also expose ourself to the insanity of the outside world. 

Outside world triggers internal dysfunction.

Outside world including other people are seemingly not interested in changing to suit our internal rancid state and faulty processing. 

Result??? Mass delusion as a way of suppressing and coping. 

So the ones who are not 100% deluded search for the cure. A treatment for the infection that has diseased the ego in the same way 1 litre of vodka a day diseases the liver and 20 cigarettes a day diseases the lungs.

 

[Bill W]

Faith

In the post above I made some reference to Faith. Over the past year, with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous I've learned that my fear is behind virtually all of my problems, possibly even every single problem that has ever existed for me. So I'd begun to think that fear is the default setting for me and everything else flows from that. 

However, what if my fear is born out of a lack of Faith? Not necessarily Faith from a wholly religious perspective.

 

Some of the common definitions of Faith seem to include

• Confidence or trust in a person, thing, or concept
• Complete trust or confidence in someone or something
• Firm belief even in the absence of proof
• Faith is choosing to believe

 

The Bible says

Hebrews 11:1 New Living Translation (NLT) - Faith shows the reality of what we hope for; it is the evidence of things we cannot see.

Hebrews 11:6 New Living Translation (NLT) - And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him.

 

The relationship between Faith & Fear     (And therefore the relationship between Faith & Emotional Sobriety......)

I'm going to lean on what the Susan Jeffers book "Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway" talks about. That our main fear is not the individual scenario's we dream up in our head, but, that if such things happen, we would not be able to cope after. Basically, that we cannot handle it 

 

Examples of where a lack of Faith is hindering me

• I do not have sufficient Faith that I will be any better off If I truly forgive certain people whom I hold deep resentments against. I do not have sufficient Faith in the idea that punishment of others is useless to me and that it in fact worsens my emotional sobriety. I used to think I did have Faith in the power of forgiveness, but if I had Faith in it, why have I not acted on it? It's like I have been telling myself I have Faith in forgiveness but I've just been a bit too nervous and/or stubborn to carry out the act of forgiveness.

 

• Why nervous and/or stubborn? Surely it is a lack of Faith in the outcome? But Alcoholics Anonymous tells you there can only be one outcome, and that outcome is a strengthening of your spirit and all round sobriety. That it is inevitable and a forgone conclusion that you will personally benefit from forgiving others, and that the benefit can be huge, substantial, and significant. It can even be life changing. The Bible says the same. My first reaction to my own sentence I've just typed is "Yes, I believe that to be so", but do I believe?  If we believe something is the best course of action and we can easily take that action, why don't we? Where does the resistance get it's power from? The resistance must be drawing on some power as it can stop you acting in a way that serves both your interests and the interests of others. Everybody wins right? No, because resistance creeps in and stops anyone from winning. Everyone loses. Is long as the other person loses, we still feel like we've won, even though we have lost as well.

 

• Not forgiving someone is like keeping them on 0/10 and you on 1/10, rather than forgiving them and both of you being on 10/10 - We would rather be on 1/10 than allow them any points at all????? Crazy. 

 

More examples to follow, and some brainstorming on potential solutions to a lack of Faith to follow...... 

 

[Bill W]

How much am I willing to sacrifice?

I try to remind myself that every person I meet is a potential teacher. Man, this is hard to do when you've unintentionally programmed yourself with a shit load of character defects so lengthy it might take 2 life times to overcome them. Selfishness, greed, pride, and the list goes on and on.

Today's lesson was a light bulb moment just about 30 minutes ago.

Someone who I am heavily involved with right now that I have blamed a lot recently for my angst said something about "sacrifice". She was turned down for a job today she had waited 2 weeks on an answer for, and she's gutted. Devastated.

She said to me "I'm going to have to make a big sacrifice to get the kind of job I want to get". She was talking about her level of preparation for the next interview.

It made me realise something - I'm not making any real sacrifices in my personal development mission, for my growth, for my bad habits and addictions, to sort out my character defects. No significant sacrifices are being made. 

Yes, I'm a year clean of alcohol and pills but it's not a sacrifice anymore. I have no obsession or desire for those substances.  Nothing is being sacrificed to maintain my sobriety.  I don't care for drink or drugs and I don't miss them anymore.

I'm sacrificing fuck all basically. I'm trying to have my cake and eat it. Eating what I like. Treating people how I like. Not taking my exercise as serious as I used to. Withdrawing from things I need to face up to. Treating my finances and debt situation like money will never run out and why should I make cut backs. 

For me anyway, growth and sacrifice need to go hand in hand. 

It's just hit me today, I'm not willing to give up anything right now. All my bad habits and dysfunction. I'm holding onto them for dear fucking life!

This is not be being too hard on myself. I don't hate myself or have self-loathing. I just need to face the facts.

I think this post is a good unintentional follow up to my post above about Faith 

 

 

 

[Bill W]

 

[Bill W]

I don't spend much time at all with Leo's videos but right now I was trying to think of something worthy to post on this journal and I was stuck. I've had a very flat day mood wise. Everything feels a bit shit. Then I remembered that video of Leo's where he just goes through a list of things that are shit. This is shit and that is shit etc. It made me smile and laugh inside thinking of that, as that's how I feel today. Will try and find that video now actually 

[Bill W]

I have discovered the formula for stagnating on your spiritual and self-actualising journey. 

Average day right now for me 

• 6.0 to 6.5 hours sleep time (instead of going for 7.5 to 8.0 hrs which is very achievable as I'm not being bothered by insomnia right now)
• 0.5 hrs lying in bed after the morning alarm goes off doing nothing but thinking "better get up now". I know meditation & prayer work well for me, but obviously doing something that doesn't work well for me such as lying in bed is more important right now
• 0.5 hrs to 1.0 hrs working from home as soon as I get dressed in the morning, catching up on my to-do list and admin 
• 0.0 hrs of prayer & meditation in the morning, sacrificing this in service of catching up with work. Same for gym work in the morning.
• Fasting until about 5pm, partly because I do like the mental clarity it can bring, but mostly because I've binged too much the evening before and am worried about weight gain
• Overeating  between about 5pm and 9pm, telling myself tomorrow will be different
• 1.0 to 2.0 hrs working from home in the evening instead of relaxing, socialising, and nourishing my spirit and mind and/or exercising. 
• 0.0 hrs of prayer & meditation in the evening because what's the point, I've had an unproductive day, so why try and be productive right at the end

With liberal servings of the following throughout the day; blaming of others, procrastinating as if my life depended on it, not doing the right thing, trying to correct other people's bad habits and generally trying my damnedest to live life on my terms. 

What's that definition of insanity again?  

I feel like I have the key to a much better life but I am standing at the door unsure whether to unlock it. Paralysed by the fact that I have had the key for a while now.

I am at the jumping off point (but not in a suicidal sense). I need to jump off. I can see the safety net there below me and friendly people waiting to greet me. I know I'll land safely, but I am still scared of the drop. 

 

 

 

[Bill W]

For the next week or so, among other things, in this journal, I will post word for word some of my favourite passages from my favourite books. These are things that resonate with me on a massive scale, that I try to action and implement in my life.

 

Meditations - Marcus Aurelius

 

Ego & Humility

• The mind without ego is a fortress. No place is more secure. Once we take refuge there we are safe forever

• If you stick to your Truth’s, you will be a new person with a new life. It won’t matter if others do not know the Truth. You will set sail and steer a steady course toward freedom

• Do what’s right, accept what happens, and speak the truth

 

Compassion & Forgiveness

• Just do the right thing. The rest doesn’t matter. Cold or warm. Tired or well rested. Despised or honoured. Busy or not

 

Others

• If you stick to your values, you can find fulfilment in anything you do. No one can prevent that

• In a sense, people are our proper occupation. Our job is to do them good and put up with them

• It’s silly to try and escape other people’s faults. They are inescapable. Just try to escape your own

• You’ve given aid and they’ve retrieved it. And yet, like an idiot, you keep holding out for me: to be credited with a Good Deed, to be repaid in kind. Why?

• Let it not make one bit of difference if other people blame you for doing what is right

• Some people with their resentments are like pigs about to be slaughtered. Kicking and squealing until the bitter end

• It isn’t me who is harmed by that. It is you

• When someone appears to have tried to harm you, rest assured that he’s already been tried and convicted – by themselves

 

Spirituality & Fear

• To be the same in all circumstances

• Concentrate on doing what’s in front of you. Do it with justice, precision, and willingness. Free yourself from distractions as if it were to be the last thing you would do on this Earth. Stop letting your emotions and thoughts overwhelm you. If you manage this, that’s all even God can ask of you

• Don’t be dependent on anyone else doing something or not doing it

• What stands in the way becomes the way

• The first step: Don’t be anxious. Nature controls it all

• If it’s endurable, then endure it and stop complaining. If it’s unendurable, then your transformation will fix it, so stop complaining

 

General

• To read attentively – not to be satisfied with “just getting the gist of it”

 

Letting Go

• Objective judgment, now, at this very moment. Unselfish action, now, at this very moment. Willing acceptance, now, at this very moment. That’s all you need

• Blot your imagination. Turn your desire to stone. Quench your appetites. Keep your mind centred on itself

 

[Bill W]

I haven't updated this journal in a while. 

For now, I am running on auto-pilot. A dog chasing it's tail. Going nowhere. However, within the context of how my quality of life has been over the past few years, I'm probably running at about 5/10 right now. Somewhere in the middle. Not where I want to be, but a hell of a lot better than living in extreme fear, addiction, and isolation, which thankfully is not the case right now. 

13 months clean, 100% free of alcohol and pills, but my workaholic tendencies (addiction) are back in full force.

I am not accepting of the fact that I am now in the zone of diminishing returns with the amount of hours I'm spending on my day job. I'm in 95% denial and 5% realisation that this is happening. As I type, I accept this, tomorrow, I will probably wake up back in denial. That's the good thing about having a journal to look back on. 

(the law of) diminishing returns

used to refer to a point at which the level of real achievement (my words) profits or benefits gained is less than the amount of time and effort (my words) money or energy invested.

At times like this, I've learned (but failed to consistently implement) to just KEEP IT SIMPLE. To temporarily let go of the "big personal development plan" and just put one foot in front of the other and do the next right thing. 

With this in mind, I'd like to end on this.........

Don't pass the suffering on

This is what I will try my hardest to do tomorrow. I (we?) suffer and I (we?) pass it on. Don Miguel Ruiz writes that the human condition is one of an infection that we acquire at about 4 or 5 years old. Passed on to us from our parents or caregivers who themselves are infected. He also writes that we then get full up of emotional poison, we then need to release this poison to try and escape it. Initially, we try to give it back to the person we feel gave it to us, but if we can't do that, we just end up giving it to anyone we can find. 

So, just for tomorrow, I'm going to focus on managing my suffering without projecting it on to the world. To not be a victim. To not play the blame game. But, boy it's hard to do that. 

[Bill W]

THIS THIS THIS

AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN

a stunning 10 mins

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

I love her heart. 

Her blessing and burden is embodiment of adrenal (Mars) warrior essence type in a feminine Automaton.

Edited November 15, 2019 by Zigzag Idiot

[Bill W]

10 minutes ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

I love her heart. 

Her blessing and burden is embodiment of adrenal (Mars) warrior essence type in a feminine Automaton.

Thank you. I only found this clip today. I even thought it was a man's voice! I just took a closer look and it's Joyce Meyer like you say. I'm going to look for some of her other stuff, thanks for your input here my friend. 

[Bill W]

 

[Bill W]

Two films I have watched again recently. Both really powerful and give me goose bumps.