Trip Report - Challenging Psychedelic Experience

[reves]

Medicine

40 mg - 4-AcO-DMT

The Trip

This was a challenging experience, I do not consider I had a break-through experience, or maybe I am just not able to appreciate it. I got a bit frustrated and disoriented during the first hours of the trip. I have managed to create some sort of ritual that works pretty well for me and has helped me get some very interesting experiences, which I have written about in previous trip reports, these previous experiences have made me more and more curious about what Infinite Love is, and the intention of this trip was to go deep into this search.

I had a very relaxed week, but the day before the trip it was a bit stressful, I also injured myself at the gym doing a wrong exercise. I was not completely sure of taking the psychedelic medicine, but on the end I decided to do it. I made all the preparations and took the medicine around 11 am. 40 mg is a bit of a high dose for me (as I have had some powerful experiences with 30 mg doses) the highest I have tried with 4-AcO-DMT.

I could simply not surrender and let go during the experience, I started to get a bit desperate and agitated. As the medicine started to make effect I felt drunk of psilacetin, but I could not feel the connection with the Universe/God that I normally feel when I am able to surrender. I felt lost and very disoriented for the first three hours of the trip. While on other experiences I was able to just be, this time I could not reach a state of total peace.

The visual effects also ended pretty quickly, and even though this may just be a distraction, it also gives me some sort of reference on how deep I am able to go in the experience. I can just describe it as a very egoic trip, and I may even have felt bored at some point, very weird.This is also the second time that I have a similar experience with this dose, not being able to let go. In that previous experience I also felt very anxious and fearful.

After four hours in the trip I managed to process some emotions and cried. It was then when I felt much more free and peaceful, and go a glimpse of what Infinite Love is. I surrendered and accepted that, it may not be the case that every psychedelic trip will be break-through experience. So I was thankful for the experience and for what I was given. It feels weird because it is something I manage to understand more and more but that I am unable to describe in words. It is everything and everywhere, expressing in all around us.

Perhaps the only experience I can recall as mystical is that I was laying on my bed and suddenly I had some sort of Samadhi experience, I felt as if I was everything and everywhere and I could not feel my body, and it happened this happened as I was just there, with the eyes fully open. The experience went very quick as it came. I have been able to reach this glimpses of Samadhi more frequently and I even had one during a Kriya Yoga session this week, during the final concentration phase. I got very excited because it came so sudden and I was not under the influence of any psychedelic medicine, it also lasted some seconds.

Later I went out for a walk into the forest. I find it interesting that during this experience I did not feel fear or angst as in some previous challenging experiences, and nevertheless I struggled a lot during the experience.

Conclusions and Questions

I guess I should pay more attention to my intuition and learn when it is better to postpone the psychedelic trip for another time when I feel more prepared to do it. Perhaps I had great expectations for this trip, and that was the reason I was not able to surrender to what is. Later during the day and since then a couple of days after, I have felt a great state of peace, I also noticed that the kriya yoga and meditation sessions get powered-up and I feel it very easy to go through the sessions. I can also notice how the Om sound gets stronger.

The confusion and disorientation I felt during the beginning of the trip made me think about going back to psychotherapy. As I have been making this psychedelic trips and getting very powerful experiences, with that I also have gained some understanding of past trauma and pain, and I am not sure if I am being able to manage/work this on my own. This leads me to think that this could be a reason on why I am not being able to surrender during some trips. What are your thoughts about it? I am not sure if the therapist will accept that I take psychedelic medicines. Or perhaps shall I seek some other type of advice/help.

I would also like to try something more powerful like 5-MeO-DMT but these experiences make me feel I still need to address some more personal stuff before I can do it, or I will get into a very challenging trip. But then again, these are just ideas.

The previous psychedelic trip was about three weeks before this one, and it was a very powerful trip. Could it be that I had to wait more time to integrate this previous experience?

Could it be possible that my 4-AcO-DMT batch started to degrade? I got this batch on April of this year, and I always keep them in a clean, dry and dark safe place.

Thanks a lot for reading this post, I will appreciate all the comments. Also thanks a lot to the great community on actualized.org and of course thanks to @Leo Gurafor his amazing teachings and advice!

 

[reves]

No replies this time

[Leo Gura]

@reves I'm not sure what the problem is here. Sounds like a typical trip. You doubt yourself too much.

Drop your expectations for pleasantness or divinity. The trip gives you what you need. Integrate it and conintue tripping. Future trips will be different.

Personally I find 4-AcO-DMT to be a huge mindfuck. Other psychedelics are easier.

For me, the whole point of tripping is to contemplate and get answers. What answers do you want?

It seems you're looking for a good time but you are not serious about understanding what reality is. When you get serious about understanding, how you feel will become irrelevant. This is why a passion for truth is so important in this work, otherwise you start chasing good feelings and you think something is wrong when you don't get good feeling. But notice, good feelings are a selfish motivation.

You must get very clear about what you want out of this work.