korbes

Too Much Of A Nice Guy.. Resources?

21 posts in this topic

I am always giving wayyy too much of myself to other people, in hope that they will love me, appreciate me, and think I am a good person.

This means that I am always prioritizing other people before myself, but under the surface, I get resentful if people don't give me back what I want from them.

I want to fix this issue, but I need somewhere to start.

Do you know any good books, videos, etc, on how to start prioritizing myself more, and stopping myself from giving too much of myself to other people, to value myself more in a sense.? 

Currently reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and it's amazing!

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3 minutes ago, egoeimai said:

Short cut to all of this is self love /acceptance. 

This doesn't have to do with other people. 

Once this is done, all behaviors are eliminated or diminished. 

^this.. 


@korbes I can relate.. I used to be a lot like that.. for me, the starting point that really was the catalyst for self love/acceptance, was exploring the idea of who "I" was..  who is it that wants acceptance?  Turns out there is no 'me'.. it was ego all along.. 


"I could be the walrus. I'd still have to bum rides off people."

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I would suggest you read the book "A Guide To The Good Life" by William B. Irvine which is also a book recommended by Leo.

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5 minutes ago, capriciousduck said:

I would suggest you read the book "A Guide To The Good Life" by William B. Irvine which is also a book recommended by Leo.

Awesome, thank you so much capriciousduck!!

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A lot of ego driven behaviour (often detrimental to self development) seems to come from needing the love of others.  It's interesting to contemplate where this perceived 'lack of love' comes from.

My pet theory is that most kids when they become independent of their parents, are so used to getting love and support from their parents, that they go into a sort of 'love shock' when they don't automatically receive it as adults.  This sets up neurotic behaviour as an adult. 

One way out is to become a parent to yourself. Speak to your inner child (as an adult) and give them love and support, it sounds ridiculous but it can work.


Consiousness is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is.

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2 hours ago, korbes said:

I am always giving wayyy too much of myself to other people, in hope that they will love me, appreciate me, and think I am a good person.

This means that I am always prioritizing other people before myself, but under the surface, I get resentful if people don't give me back what I want from them.

I want to fix this issue, but I need somewhere to start.

Do you know any good books, videos, etc, on how to start prioritizing myself more, and stopping myself from giving too much of myself to other people, to value myself more in a sense.? 

Currently reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and it's amazing!

@korbes In my opinion, that is coming from a place of inner weakness. You need to start with building your inner strength. Search for the post of mine which is Building Inner Strength - Occult Style and add that to your practice. Its extremely powerful and will change you by building real strength instead of pretend, faux strength.

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The Sun shines upon this World and ask nothing in return

If you are giving only to receive something back, this in itself is a spiders web, you've created yourself.

You can practice giving once a week and ask for nothing in return.

Edited by Lowerplanedweller

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Your problem sounds very similar to what I went through, I'll share my own journey of overcoming this problem in the hopes that it'll be of some use to you. I have had this problem most of my life. It took me over 2 years of struggle to overcome this, mostly because I had no clue back then and no one guided me in the right direction.

I realized that I wasn't able to say "no", I was people pleasing, I needed approval from other people and this was making me miserable and I was unable to develop meaningful intimate relationships with other people. I was googling and stumbled upon my first Actualized.org video:

This video was a good place to start but It wasn't enough by itself. The first time I watched it it blew my mind and instantly cured me of people pleasing. But then after a few days I fell back into my old self and started being too nice again. So I watched it again, got rid of my neediness for 1-2 days and then fell back to my old self again. This pattern kept repeating over and over. I have watched this video at least 50 times (and a ton of other resources) but I could never make it stick. This back and forth struggle was extremely frustrating but it led me to discover spirituality.

I discovered that people pleasing / being too nice is a complex issue with multiple ego deceptions causing it and I had to chip away at my ego quite a bit before getting rid of people pleasing permanently.

  • I had victim thinking. I believed that I had Aspergers, anxiety disorder, social anxiety, depression etc and that there was nothing really that I could ever do about it. I'm just not good with people and not confident and never will be, my brain is just defective, so I thought. Leo has a video on victim thinking. But it took me tens and tens (hundreds most likely) of hours of contemplation to break free from victim thinking. Ask yourself why is this thing not possible? Okay that's why, but why can't I overcome that thing? Etc until you get to the bottom of it and realize that, in fact, it is possible to overcome your problem. All obstacles have a solution. Nothing has to stop you.
  • Next I discovered I was resisting negative emotions, I thought negative emotions are "bad". I had to learn to not resist negative emotions. Leo yet again has great videos on that.
  • Then I was able to develop a vision for my life. I realized that what I really want is meaningful, deep, intimate relationships with a few people. I don't really care about being popular, well liked, having a "cool" image etc. I don't really care if people think well of me or not, that's irrelevant. That was one of the main things keeping me stuck in people pleasing, I used to think that it was extremely important to be well liked and to present a good image of myself. I wasn't able to develop a vision for my life while I still had victim thinking and resisting negative emotions, I had to get rid of those first. If you are a people pleaser then your first priority in life is to get approval from other people. If you are going to stop needing approval then you need something else to guide you in life - you need to figure out what you want to do and what you think is right.
  • Next I reframed that "value" doesn't exist and all people are equal. You are not "better" or "worse" than anyone else. There is nothing that you can do to make you a "better" person. This was also key because I thought other people are "better" than me, I was not "good" enough etc.
  • Next I reframed that I am not envious if people have something that I do not have but want. Leo has a great video on that:

At this point I realized that I want to be authentic around other people, I don't want to leave a better impression than I actually am because that can only create a fake / superficial relationship which I don't want, I'd rather be alone doing my thing. I want deep intimate meaningful relationships in my life.

Also I learned about assertion theory and I realized that intimate relationships can only happen when you protect your life space from other people. Meaning I have to stand up for myself, I can't say "yes" when I really want to say "no", I must not let others take advantage of me. Because that only leads to toxic unequal miserable relationships that I do not want.

Ah and finally I reframed that there is nothing that you "have" to or "must" or "should" do in your life. You don't "have" to help other people. You don't "have" to agree to things that you don't want to. You don't "have" to be a good person. Other people don't "have" to like you. You might protest that you'll become an egotistical monster asshole this way. But this is baseless fear, at least that what I found in my case, you will actually want to help other people, even though it is detrimental to you, because it will use up your time, money and energy that you could otherwise put into yourself or into self-inquiry or into reaching the Truth. The most tricky one here is that you don't "have" to do things that are beneficial to you either. The only thing I do is what I want, which is my vision / purpose in my life.

After I did all of the above I was finally able to break free from people pleasing. Hopefully you already have some or most of these things done. If you do have some of the same issues that I did, try fixing them. I wasted over a year by not starting from victim thinking.

Best of luck!

 

Edited by crab12

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Hey i get you...you need to start giving value not taking value,you should make yourself feel good and get out of your way(meaning) whatever blocks you from being you accept it but give out your vibe your energy thats authentic...then start making yourself feel good everything you need you already have....well in short start giving your authentic expression to others be aware when you are taking value from other like trying to get approval that they like you they will like you if you give yourself your energy to them so they can feel good..you will start to have more fun feel good etc.and attract others

Edited by NoSelfSelf

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10 hours ago, egoeimai said:

Short cut to all of this is self love /acceptance. 

This doesn't have to do with other people. 

Once this is done, all behaviors are eliminated or diminished. 

Thanks! 

How do you practice self love and acceptance?

I am running twice a week, which I see as a form of self-love, I know I could be doing much more, but it's a start.

I've been attending a Vipassana Retreat before, and was very much into meditation until I got my girlfriend, which I spend too much time on right now, would meditation be a form of self love and acceptance, I guess so right? I'm not so clever on the theory behind meditation.

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@Mason Riggle hey man. I dont think it quite works like that. Sounds like youre engaging in some massive spiritual bypass and not being honest with yourself.

 

 

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17 hours ago, korbes said:

I am always giving wayyy too much of myself to other people, in hope that they will love me, appreciate me, and think I am a good person.

This means that I am always prioritizing other people before myself, but under the surface, I get resentful if people don't give me back what I want from them.

I want to fix this issue, but I need somewhere to start.

Do you know any good books, videos, etc, on how to start prioritizing myself more, and stopping myself from giving too much of myself to other people, to value myself more in a sense.? 

Currently reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and it's amazing!

Not to be mean, but notice how this is selfish? 

It's not really generosity and giving of self when it's done with the hidden agenda of trying to get something out of them.

I think the others have given you some good advice of working on self-love, shadow work, building inner strength. Some healthy self-esteem would likely be beneficial for you.

What I'd add is that start contemplating two things:

1) What is real selflessness? How I can be genuine and move toward that?

2) What do I hope to get "out there"? Why I am not turning inward about this and seeing what within me is driving this?

Ultimately you should come to a place where you've resolved these cravings and give only with others' well-being in mind.

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3 hours ago, MaxV said:

Did you read 'The Power of Now' by any chance? 

Yes, I read it back in 2016, and were actually following his advice, and I often refer back to that period of my life as a really good period of my life, when I was really balanced and happy. Somehow I got indulged in alcohol and partying again, unfortunately, because I was afraid of moving too far away from my friends and social circle.

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@crab12 Great post! To change a part of the self that has been that has been there for many years, one usually needs to address it from all angles and use multiple different methods.

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