Seeking advice for overcoming severe social isolation

[Mark-]

Hi, this is my first post on this forum and I'm hoping that perhaps someone can give me some insight or potential course of action in addressing my severe social issues. This is going to be a long post but I'm hoping that someone will have the time to understand my perspective and help me out, if not, that's understandable. I'm 24 and I've had what can only be described as selective mutism and extreme social anxiety since I was a very young child. I can function reasonably well in a text based medium with someone, in a back-and-forth conversation when I'm given time to read something and formulate a response. But group conversations are extremely difficult and I can hardly perform at all, especially if I'm not highly familiar with the people in the group. I can develop the ability to communicate with an individual after months of exposure but then if I'm entered into a group with anyone unfamiliar I have a strong mental block and I'm unable to express my thoughts or interject at all. This happened to me numerous times during my youth, I became comfortable with someone but then when brought into unfamiliar social territory I simply couldn't progress at all even if I was supported and made to feel unjudged. I've since lost connection with all of the people who I was comfortable around.

At this point in my life I have isolated myself almost entirely and I feel like if I continue down this path I may develop depression and dig myself into a hole, potentially abandoning or sabotaging my journey of self-actualization. For the past few years I have been lazer focused on personal-development, skills that interest me, self-inquiry, etc. This has been going fairly well but I've largely neglected my social development and I wonder how long I can continue focusing on bettering myself in isolation. I work online and I live in a campervan, I have been travelling, hiking, and connecting with nature across the country which has been very self-satisfying. However, lately I have been beginning to feel like things are requiring more effort with less reward. I think that my lack of social connection is eating away at my motivation and drive to become someone I can be proud of. 

I want to start trying to find groups of people with whom I share interests and experiences with, but I'm really not sure where to begin. I've spent such a huge amount of time isolated in nature that when I even go out to get groceries or do chores, the chaos of being around people is more overwhelming than it has ever been. I shut down and become almost robotic, the idea of trying to connect with people seems unattainable. The state of mind I find myself in while isolation out in the national forests is completely gone around people and the idea of trying to enter into a group situation with others almost makes me sick to my stomach with fear, uncertainty, etc. 

Over the past year I have experimented with LSD a couple of times, one time with great benefits and another time I was overwhelmed with fear because of the strength of the experience. Both times I was isolated but I felt that my fear and the mental blocks associated with selective mutism and social anxiety were drifting away. I'm now considering a micro-dosing regimen which I could slowly start finding social situations to put myself into during that mindset and see if I can make some progress in that way. Most advice that I have been given is that I shouldn't try to use mind-altering substances to overcome my social issues, but I really don't know what to do at this point because I feel wholly incapable of being myself or finding a comfortable mind state around people I'm unfamiliar with. I know that fighting this problem is going to have to come from within, and I'm not really sure if I should continue down a path focused on self-inquiry, pushing through the loneliness and dread or put my effort toward reaching out and seeking help or connection with others. 

Any advice in regards to this is greatly appreciated.

[Matt23]

Hey.  Sounds rough.  I don't think I've had the same degree of social issues, but I've had some so I'll share what I've experienced and learned.  I've had, for the better part of my life I think, had trouble feeling connected and like I belonged.  I felt I never really had social security and was always an outsider.  After graduating and since then I've had long periods of isolation with not many people around me.  If I did have people they were some family and a couple of other people.  Even if I physically had some people I kept in contact with I would still feel isolated, stressed, and disconnected from them.

I'm at a point now where I've been focusing on allowing feelings and behaviors to come through and have associated my social block with an intense pressure in my chest which, in previous years, had gone unnoticed.  I've had moments recently where I was able to "turn it off", like a light switch using mindfulness, labeling, love, and contemplation.  I'd be able to focus on the sensation, label it "allow" or "love" or "let go" or "feel" (or anything of that sort) and could release the sensation for a while.  After this I'd be totally open and communicative with others and would actually enjoy being around them.  I also noticed, which is new, that the feeling seems to be me rejecting others (perhaps from fear or of being hurt).  

Reiki, mindfulness and labeling, giving oneself love, sentence completion exercises, accepting the emotions, and self-inquiry I think have been major contributors to my successes.  And psychedelics.... and compassion.  It was actually through self-compassion that I experienced my most significant shift out of the social block.  

Connection, for me, is very important.  I used to focus solely on enlightenment but I could never manage to live by myself without falling apart.  I'm at a point where I realize that developing social connections is very important for my health and well-being and that it opens the doors to so much in life.  Perhaps one day i'll be mature and developed enough to do the ol' "live in a cave alone" thing and focus on spirituality.  Till then I think (for me) that human connection is a very important aspect of life and growth.  

Also, I think it's important to have a balanced and long-term view of healing/growth.  I used to want to get it done with in an instant.  I think that pressure was counter-productive.  One's attitudes, thoughts, beliefs, and strategies towards healing and suffering can be almost as beneficial as the actual healing itself.

Love and acceptance is probably a good place to start .  Starting from a place of love makes transformation more smooth and sustainable.  

 

What attitudes, views, or beliefs in regards to your issues are a hindrance?

What attitudes, views, or beliefs in regards to your issues are helping?

Why do you want to change?

Where haven't you investigated (in terms of therapies, aspects of yourself (somatic, emotional, memories, perhaps past lives or perinatal traumas)?

What can you do to grow socially without being too far outside your comfort zone (no growth due to too much stress) or too far inside your comfort zone (no growth due to no change)?

Can you notice if your issues are survival strategies?  If so, what are you trying to survive?  (I'd recommend Leo's Survival series if this question doesn't make sense)

 What do you want?  

Were there times when these issues weren't apparent?  If so, what was different about those times? 

What's worked and why?

What hasn't worked and why?

[Mark-]

@Matt23 I can certainly relate to the pressure in my chest, I also experience most of the physical symptoms consistent with the fight or flight response. Shakiness, heavy chest, blushing, racing heart, sweaty palms, inability to maintain normal eye contact, etc. Objectively it's kind of easy for me to understand why I can't get into a normal state of mind in a situation where I feel primally threatened, but I have been in many situations where the physical symptoms are at a baseline (school and workplaces) and I still felt blocked off from others and not in a position to try and initiate social interaction. I have always been delighted when people try talking to me, I have no problem being nice to people but conversation always falls flat on my end and it's so rare for anyone to have the interest or time to persevere through such tedious interactions with me. I probably seem highly uncomfortable so that in itself pushes people away and prevents me from being able to practice and improve my confidence. 

While I have been living in isolation, I feel like I am keeping myself together fairly well while progressing in my skills and working toward a meaningful future. Most of the time I feel content and reasonably driven. But it's when I go into public that I feel like everything is an incredible effort and that I'm absolutely inferior to others and their ability to mix with the world in a real way. I have been meditating lately and during my sessions I am developing a peace with myself, that no matter what I do or how badly I feel in a social interaction, I have the ability to draw from my inner peace and everything will be okay in the grand scheme of things. I can't say it has necessarily made any difference when I'm actually trying to communicate with people but in a meditative state I am learning how to let go of past embarrassments and simply be with myself as I am in the present. I will have to start contemplating these prudent questions regarding my social issues more and try to work toward building connections with the right people, but it is hard to develop a positive outlook after so much time being isolated from others. 

[Melwyn]

Hey Mark I can relate to your situation.

Many times I have difficulties feeling comfortable in social surroundings.

It is really a Mindset thing for me.

I have very often the temptation to fall into negative(fearful) thought spirals which start to paralyze me.

I am still working a lot on this issue. I have two questions for you. The one thing has to do with this mindset thing. Is it possible for you to observe your feelings of unease in the midst of social situations? Can you accept that in this moment of unease it is as it is? There is nothing wrong in feeling nervous or uncomfortable in a group setting. Actually much more people can relate to this than you think. Maybe the person sitting/standing next to you is having in the same moment quite the same feelings. Life is really about exploring and finding out. 

Maybe you can look at it like this. Sometimes when youre at a lake the water is quite cold. But you want to swim. So you start to enter the water just with your feet. At some point the water goes till your knees. and at some point the only thing which makes sense is to jump right into the water. At first it is a shock. But quite quickly your body starts to adapt to the new situation. Sometimes I try to use this kind of trick to get me into social situations.

For example. Sometimes I go alone in a Bar. I am really nervous and shaky. I order a beer and sit there for an hour or two. I try to relax and just sit there and enjoy my beer. After that I go. Nothing really happened but im a bit more proud of myself that i did something like that.

 

greetings from Germany

Edited August 30, 2019 by Melwyn

[MuddyBoots]

@Melwyn  hi I like your analogy of the cold water.

@Mark-  Some of the symptoms in this discussion sound like flight / fight / freeze reaction, which is based in old primal part of our brains, so is hard to control consciously. But some conventional therapies can help. I had anxiety in the past, if it reappears I just tell myself, oh this is just a chemical reaction in my brain, an automatic response, just roll with it until it passes. Like the expression 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. Easier said than done I know, but don't get into blaming yourself and self-criticism.  Baby steps, slow progress, forgive yourself for your failures, and celebrate your successes. Joining a group sounds worthwhile too, but where to find one? In my country there are charities such as Mind that you can reach out to. 

[JonasVE12]

I’d work on releasing all the energy blocks from your system and also engage in activities that afirm your brain that it’s okay to be you. That it’s okay to fail. There’s improv classes designed for people with social anxiety. Go out to the park, scream, move your body like an animal.

When we experience situations in our past where we felt like we weren’t acting appropriate to a certain context and felt negative emotions because of that, we condition ourselves to shut down that part that we felt like was not okay. 

So we are left with a lot of inhibitions that prevent us to be able to be fully out there and be authentic and connect with people authentically.

If a past experience teached you that it was not okay to be yourself at that time. Your expressiveness suffers and that will Influence your talking/voice habits. For example you begin to talk soft, dont articulate, stutter, ..

So if you go out and scream while moving your body like an animal, you’ll break through a lot of tension that you hold. 

I guess it’s a good idea to first engage in activities that give you more confidence in social situations and then do activities you like. You’ll also enjoy them much more because you’ll be actually fully engaging in the activities instead of being stuck in your head worrying about the social setting. 

I get that it feels really isolating. You’re living in your head while you really want to connect, but you cant seem to get out of the mental prison. You become really introverted. Someone who only thinks, and then you got only thoughts to relate to, kind of dissociating feeling.

If you think about doing that improv, and you’re already anticipating the anxiety, that’s okay. Start lower. Take small steps. I too felt like that was overwhelming at first when I wanted to do improv, but when I went to work and talked to a lot of people, I felt energized and felt like I would be really confident doing the improv at that time. But that was some situational confidence that was caused by the rush I got off the social interactions from that day. Next day improv scared me again. 

I’m saying that if you want to reduce the anticipation anxiety, you’ll need some foundation. Try to take initiative, say hello to people, have small conversations, ask for directions, ask how the cashiers day was, at work or whatever, just say something. Try to build a habit of taking initiative. 

If you dont build a habit of it, your inhibitions will probably return. If you build the habit, eventually, you don’t experience the anxiety anymore. 

I had severe social anxiety as well. When I was looking for a job, some sales company called me (door to door sales) and asked me if I was still looking for a job, I came to the interview being in my head really much. There were lots of candidats and was quite an overwhelming social setting. Suprisingly I managed to get the job, because somehow I behaved kind of like a social Guy, and I don’t know how I did that, but anyways

The first door where I had to pitch, I felt my heart in my chest and I stuttered really badly. After 30 doors, I was confident as fuck and said my pitch fluently, and could small talk really well, counter objections effortlessly, I don’t know how because I had a lot of inhibitions and I felt like my creativity and spontaneity got unlocked. I remember me being really creative and funny when younger and found it to be really inhibited after puberty.

I guess I want to say that the first steps are the most difficult. Getting out of your comfortzone -) anxiety zone -) growth zone. After you take the first steps, and make some progress, you’ll feel like the paradigm through how you experience social relations will transform completely. 

Also dont underestimate the power of taking iniative. It’s really the small things like talking to random people that make a huge difference. 

I’m suggesting to go out of your way a bit and do things specifically to work on this. After you done that, maybe new doors open for you. Not having inhibitions really allows you to be free and creative to do with your life what you want. Also relates to life purpose. 

People with social anxiety almost always have false beliefs about their potential. They don’t consider it possible for them to have a really magnetic personality. It is. There are no limits. People are drawn emotionally to your energy. Insecure, inauthentic energy repels people. Being authentic, energetic, optimistic, funny, spontanious attracts people. Most people’s life is mediocre and really thrive of stimulation as they dont get a lot. People will want to be around you then, they’ll be drawn to your personality. I witnessed it myself. 

This gives more opportunity to connect with people on deeper levels than just emotional. 

It gives opportunity to more intellectual connection, spiritual.

also more opportunity for intimacy.

all the good stuff

Edited September 3, 2019 by JonasVE12

[Nahm]

@Mark- Practice. Just walk around where there are lots of people. Over time you’ll be more and more comfortable with it. An “Oh. This is no big deal” will arise. Soon, you’ll see the greatest experiences in life, are with other people. Don’t be afraid of what you’ll discover about yourself, via relationships. It will be worthwhile and most awesome.