Could I be running into a trap?

[Mada_]

Hello all,

I think I want to get my well being to a better state so that I can do enlightenment work without fucking up my focusing muscles; I attempted to brute force a one-pointed focus practice and assumed that the tension held within my head was good, but then the tension became this almost habitual thought pattern where I associated focus with tension. Haha, I don't think getting a migraine meditating is a good sign; especially considering what Leo said about the spiritual process being organic, and various sources talking about the importance of leaving the head and getting into the heart.

So it feels like I've got to do some work to let that tension go before I move on with enlightenment work; some softer meditation practices, overcoming some chronic fatigue; I've ordered a couple books based on changing up my diet, doing the work of Byron Katie, going to back to contemplating with a journal to nurture my wonder.

But I am doubting this strategy because although it sounds fine, I did get to a stage in my self-inquiry where I was able to observe the observer which was quite profound. But I just feel like I've been doing this work so neurotically and stupidly without looking to the necessary sources for guidance, I'm trying to 'get there', 'eradicate myself', on my own. 

 

I have wonder, it is there, it is so beautiful, like when I get to this place whilst I'm contemplating and just look around and say "oh fuck this is beautiful and genius", but my wonder hides behind my neurotic-ism.  ----

My question is to people further into the path than me: If I am doing it neurotically, I'm hurting my head focusing, I don't have a good handle on my psychology and my habits. Then should I work on developing the necessary skills such as mindfulness, expanding awareness, focus and wonder whilst getting back into consistent habits to do with balancing my life and creating well-being. Or could I this just be my delicate ego being precious and trying to distract me from just throwing these habits altogether, is it just a fantasy that I can make my life a free-flowing, artful exploration of well-being and transcendence. I'm so reluctant to give up my self-inquiry habit because there was the observer, and I am fucking desperate to get away from me, I don't want me, but when I say it like this is makes my head hurt and my heart feels like it blocks up.

 

[Leo Gura]

I found that when you start this journey it tends to be quite neurotic and not very effective. But at the same time, you can only start where you're at, so neurotic practice is better than no practice at all.

You problems could be answered with a couple of deep psychedelic trips, where you would face the real existential root of your dysfunctions and let them go. Then you could proceed with a more organic spiritual practice.

The value of the psychedelic is not so much in that it enlightens you, but that it clearly shows you what is preventing you from awakening, what is holding you back. Otherwise you could waste years chasing your tail in circles.

One of the biggest challenges of the spiritual path is what we get in our own way. We all have unique ways of getting in our own way. Psychedelics help you understand your unique ways of getting in your own way so you can stop doing it. It tends to not be enough to just intellectually know how you get in your own way. You need a deep mystical experience of it to learn the lesson and change your ways.

Intellectual efforting here just tends to be very slow and needlessly ineffective compared to a few psychedelic trips which will just bombard you with all the answers in a way that no book, therapist, or guru could.

Really, once you learn how to properly use psychedelics, you will never need a teacher or book. The most powerful answers are in your trips. Everything else is weak sauce that literally wastes years of time and thousands of dollars in money.

[Mada_]

@Leo Gura

Thank you for this. - Invaluable information.

 

[peanutspathtotruth]

I know the tension in the head. It's gone now, but I had it for years with fluctuating presence. I think one of the main reasons for this is trying to control attention with force. That's where gentleness comes in, and accepting where you're at in your meditation. After a year or so of just inquiry and do-nothing meditation I was now brought back to the insight that I want to work on my mindfulness and concentration. Regarding your question there, really let this gentleness be a guide for your practice:

[Mada_]

Thank you so much for this. <3 I think this could really change things for me.