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RickyBalboa

Direct vs indirect body posture.

18 posts in this topic

Hi, I was wondering what some of you guys think about the implications of the type of positioning you use when talking with other people. I know different scenarios and different environments have different effects on the way people decide to interface with each other. But I find it strange how often alot of people seem to have conversations at different forward facing angles depending on particular contexts. 

I guess I'm being vague but what Im trying to get at is how acutely aware I become of the way I am standing in reference to the people I'm talking to. I have problems with social anxiety and as a way of leaning into my fear I try to face people directly without situating myself side ways and providing myself shielding from the intensity of 1 on 1 communication. However it seems even people who are quite comfortable approaching me and having conversations like to position themselves so that their hip is resting on an edge of a square and im the edge sitting 90 degrees to them. Either that or standing almost right next to me as if we are on the same resting edge. This seems indirect and I end up trying to face them to establish a clear connection. In this process I feel like im making them feel uncomfortable which is strange considering I have such a phobia of people, I never approach people yet someone has the balls to approach me about any such thing yet doesn't want to face me directly? I almost feel I am missing some sort of unspoken rule. 

Another thing to mention is that I feel men are more inclined to stand next to each other more so than women. Women seem to prefer straight on contact with each other. However I have one friend who is into pickup and he says NEVER approach women straight on. Always come in at an angle. I know the variables to answering these types of question are complex and theres no size fits all for engaging in human interaction. I just have a hard time understanding how I might be reading people so incorrectly.  

Please tell me how some of you choose to interact with people in terms of direct/indirect attention. Do you have rules you play by concerning interactions involving a lot of physical body language?

Edited by RickyBalboa

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Wow. This is a cool topic, thank you for sharing your experiences. 

First off, I’ll just share my thoughts on why you like to face people who start speaking to you. It is your fear, your focus on them and this subconsciously triggers them to sense how you’re perceiving them in the interaction. This is why it is said people act like our mirror, literally projections of us. You’re so worried about how they are seeing things that you neglect your own intentions or rather make their presence your concern 

So I encourage becoming more aware of your own intentions and overall level of confidence. Social anxiety stems from being too focused up in the head, so grounding yourself can really help with reducing the amount of anxiety you feel. The anxiety is thought and feelings from certain beliefs you hold related to yourself and surroundings. These can be changed eventually recreated to desired way of expressing yourself  

Edited by DrewNows

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@Sahil Pandit As a matter of fact, my last two posts have advice directed toward other people involving posture. I do yoga, and use breathing to relieve anxieties. But what im more focused on here is the logistics of interfacing with people. the 'how' of peoples actions. I know how I prefer to stand. Building some sort of cohesion with another person in reference to my own is what I'm interested in. Helping build a connection so we can get to the meat of the conversation with solid eye contact. 

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@Sahil Pandit I like that! More so the prospect of 'setting' something as a baseline before stacking further connection on top if it. My rebuttal to that might be something like "You've set your baseline. However, now you have to express yourself more intimately using your body parts(hands under the table). If you then do this and a lull in the conversation happens and all the energy drops dramatically, what is your segway back into a baseline? Do you simply focus back on the breath and then put the hands in the original resting position?" 

 

I sometimes find I become so involved in the process of expressing myself that I forget come back to some sort of equilibrium in my body. I end up doing some pacing type of action like looking around the room or shifting my body position to no avail of finding true peace until someone replaces that lack of energy with a new topic. My go to is usually to embrace the silence fully. That results in essentially me ending the conversation though. I'm still playing with ideas revolving around this. I don't speak with people all that often so some going out and practicing and being aware of myself is due. 

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@RickyBalboa hmm maybe my first post didn't resonate much with ya. Maybe you'd like to check out this short clip on belly breathing, quite informative, it will be of value in going deeper into the root problems of anxiety and fear. Cheers 

 

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@DrewNows Yeah, I mean I appreciate your post because It applies to me for sure. It just wasn't the point of my post to mention the anxiety. It was simply a supporting detail for my post. I guess I could have titled the post better. What I was trying to prompt was discussion about how people moderate their posture to balance the line between creating powerful connection vs creeping someone out. The intention was rooted in the subject of sociology rather than self-help. Again, thanks for the video. 

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@RickyBalboa oh, cool. my bad :P 

23 minutes ago, RickyBalboa said:

I sometimes find I become so involved in the process of expressing myself that I forget come back to some sort of equilibrium in my body. I end up doing some pacing type of action like looking around the room or shifting my body position to no avail of finding true peace until someone replaces that lack of energy with a new topic. My go to is usually to embrace the silence fully. That results in essentially me ending the conversation though. I'm still playing with ideas revolving around this. I don't speak with people all that often so some going out and practicing and being aware of myself is due. 

this experience does sound like anxiousness/discomfort in simply being silent around others, probably coming from insecurity. Your reason for this topic is probably trying to figure out ways to deal with your insecurity by focusing on others. Maybe not, but the deeper you get to know yourself the for evident body language becomes. Hope i didn't offend you, i really liked how well you described those situations

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@DrewNows There is 100% some validity to some of the ideas you are suggesting. But what still stands is that Im trying to make meaningful connection where I can understand people, and when people don't look at you It's easy for them to disallow that from happening.

Another reason for starting this is that is its socially inappropriate to ask people in the middle of a conversation "What are you feeling right now about this situation"?  So Ive taken it to the net where people can express their ideas freely. Asking people in the flesh "What are you really feeling now" undermines the sincerity of the people involved. How they feel should be self-evident. When people are looking away from you its not so self-evident anymore. From your responses thus far, Im guessing you might intuit that "you're pre-occupation with someone elses feelings is a sign of your insecurity". While in some cases it may, I am simply the most concerned with profound and meaningful connection with another individual to produce the most powerful experience for both parties. I'd rather conversations such as this that go meta and produce profound insights rather than the trivial drivel I hear come from most peoples mouths. And if some how all of my goals to live a profound life are simply a mask for covering up anxiety then I dont know what further to say lol.

No offense taken. I highly respect people who aren't afraid to point out my potential weaknesses and put my perceived certainties to the test. It's what we all need. 

Edited by RickyBalboa

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3 hours ago, RickyBalboa said:

There is 100% some validity to some of the ideas you are suggesting. But what still stands is that Im trying to make meaningful connection where I can understand people, and when people don't look at you It's easy for them to disallow that from happening

Okay but why are you concerned? 

3 hours ago, RickyBalboa said:

Another reason for starting this is that is its socially inappropriate to ask people in the middle of a conversation "What are you feeling right now about this situation"?  So Ive taken it to the net where people can express their ideas freely. Asking people in the flesh "What are you really feeling now" undermines the sincerity of the people involved. How they feel should be self-evident. When people are looking away from you its not so self-evident anymore. From your responses thus far, Im guessing you might intuit that "you're pre-occupation with someone elses feelings is a sign of your insecurity". While in some cases it may, I am simply the most concerned with profound and meaningful connection with another individual to produce the most powerful experience for both parties. I'd rather conversations such as this that go meta and produce profound insights rather than the trivial drivel I hear come from most peoples mouths. And if some how all of my goals to live a profound life are simply a mask for covering up anxiety then I dont know what further to say lol.

Cool man. Well I definitely do have some insecurities yet to work through and I admit to some projecting. How do you feel, personally, about sharing your emotions with others? I’ve studied people most of my life but only pretty recently have I began to share my own emotions with others, and this can give permission to others to do the same, if you’re comfortable.

3 hours ago, RickyBalboa said:

No offense taken. I highly respect people who aren't afraid to point out my potential weaknesses and put my perceived certainties to the test. It's what we all need. 

Much Love??

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Personally, I find it rude when people don’t face me while I’m talking to them so I find someone else to talk to. Another thing to consider is eye contact when you’re facing someone, not many people like a direct eye contact. I usually look at their mouth or nose so they don’t feel uncomfortable. Sometimes, when I ask a direct question I do look directly into their eyes but not for long. Anyway, I hope this helps a little, either way good luck! :)


I have an opinion on everything :D

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9 hours ago, DrewNows said:

Okay but why are you concerned? 

 

I'm concerned because the sooner I can I can get down to the reasons why me and another are failing to connect. The sooner I can make modifications in what im doing to help establish connection. For ex. I have a friend on the autistic spectrum and sometimes I must concede my gaze to get him to talk. I can tell direct eye contact is a distraction for him and too intense for him to function at the best of his cognitive abilities. If I can understand the most elements to why and why people dont do certain behaviors. The more insight I have into navigating the waters of these interactions. Too many times I cant get to the roots in 1 on 1 live interaction because people will feel to much shame or feel its not appropriate to discuss deeper feelings. Here on actualized I can gain that insight and recieve answers to questions I never thought previously. Like user Justthinkingaloud posted. Those types of posts help me alot. Just small contributions that give me a birds eye view of all different types of peoples personal feelings and perspectives on the matter. 

9 hours ago, DrewNows said:

Cool man. Well I definitely do have some insecurities yet to work through and I admit to some projecting. How do you feel, personally, about sharing your emotions with others? I’ve studied people most of my life but only pretty recently have I began to share my own emotions with others, and this can give permission to others to do the same, if you’re comfortable.

Good question! I do seem to not share my emotions so much when having conversation. Some of that I have to contribute to just being less of a person who lets their emotions lead them through decisions. I like ideas and opinions, but feelings not so much. I 'feel' that sometimes I have fear in sharing my opinions because I never rule out any possibilities. This tends to make it easy to call me a person of radical beliefs. Most people have some sort of breaking point where If you say something to radical or taboo they will flip on you, even if you are just questioning a possibility rather than describing it as a full on belief of yours. I know one thing. If i were to be completely honest with people about my internal reasoning processes without filtering myself I would be in BIG trouble lol. I do need to work on being more transparent though despite having unconventional opinions on things. 

 

@JustThinkingAloud This DOES help. Thanks for contribution!

Edited by RickyBalboa

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@RickyBalboa Once you can connect deeply with yourself, you will better allow for connection with others. Their walls won’t bother you because you will understand they won’t open up unless they are ready and it isn’t your job to get them to. Your only job is to “do you” and every attitude and action needs to reflect this. Once people see how comfortable you are just “being you” they will feel safe and comfortable being themselves. Does this make sense? 

 

 

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@DrewNows A lot! I just think that that's one side of the coin. What if I was so content with myself that I felt no need to interact with anyone ever. I would be contributing nothing to the development of others. I think intervention with the external world is necessary for me. Especially since I DO in fact spend very much of my time alone. Maybe Im just starting to feel the need to express myself outwardly because I have never really developed that part of myself in the past. Leo's recent videos on conscious politics might have influenced me in some way too. I'm always experimenting and changing. Try not to take what I say too seriously. I could be saying something completely contrary to what i'm saying now within a week.  

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@RickyBalboa that’s viewing it from a place of fear. I didn’t say it’s one or the other, in fact, one of the best ways to gain an understanding of ourselves is through relationship/interaction if you are observing yourself without judging. Helping others develop is best done by leading by example or asking the right questions if they are willing to check themselves  

This book did an amazing job in guiding me through understanding myself and others from an energetic level, the first chapter will probably tell you if it’s for you if you haven’t read/listened to it before 

 

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@DrewNows I received this book as a gift about 2 years ago. It was the first book I had read in a while. I still remember it pretty well compared to other books I have read since then. I should read it again. 

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