Timothy

Looking for Trauma Release Guidance Please!

6 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

I'm glad to be posting this without being concerned about how do I release this trauma. I was struggling with the how for a long time and now I've found some effective techniques. Thanks to the use of CBD (cannabis) and TRE (trauma release exercises by David Berceli), I've been fortunate to have had many genuine opportunities to release this trauma. Even though I have the desire to release this truama, I just don't have the will.

Truama hypothesis: I seem to be desperately holding onto something in my stomach. I'm not sure what it is. Is causes me daily chronic pain. It seems to also cause pain in my arms and in my head, and seems to be closely linked to my fear and anxiety in the mind. One seems to immediately affect the other. My entire body feels tense, in a very subtle way. My face is animated as annoyed and unhappy most of the time because of it. It makes me angry, frustrated, and I think also sad.  I've also noticed that part of me loves it. It feels like armor and without it I feel lots of space, love, presence and clairty which feels all too much to handle. This also may be causing tension in my legs and back also. Sometimes I can trim it down and I feel better, and sometimes I trim it down too much where I get anxious because I feel like I'm approaching the core. But it always comes back and consumes me and I have to keep trimming it down to feel better because I havent addressed the root. It makes me feel frozen, stifled, and anti-social. 

Let me explain the very first time I had the opportunity to release it. It was my birthday last March, and I decided to take 3 of my weed pills. Each pill had 2.5mg of THC and 4mg of CBD. Then I also took an extra 4 mg of CBD oil. So I was on a total of 7.5mg of THC and 15-16mg of CBD. This trip wasnt scary in the mind like the trip I had a month later that I had posted before that you can check out here: https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/34980-first-existential-trip-report-reached-eternal-insanity-please-help/?page=1

I was very calm through this and it was just mainly intense for the body. I had taken similar doses before and it had never been this intense. That night I was more relaxed and vulnerable and it hit me very hard. I spontaneously began laughing and I ended up laying on the floor because I was so dominated. I ended up going downstairs. I was laughing for a while then I started crying so hard. The hardest I've ever cried in my life. I was crying as if I was releasing all the pain I've ever had in my life. I wasnt even trying to do this. It was just happening. Then I reached the point where I could feel all the energy in my stomach moving up my body, and my crying was building up and getting harder and harder... and I could feel it was building up to and EPIC scream. The memory of that moment still disturbs me to this day. I felt like I was on the brink of waking up, as if all of life was just a bad dream, and I got this eerie sense that I was "going home". That was the phrase that came naturally to me. But I stopped crying and resisted it because it was too intense, yet very relieving at the same time. I just didn't feel ready. So that was the peak of the trip and my very first opportunity.

I'm not sure whether or not this trauma is fear of awakening itself or maybe it's just so close to my core that I was bound to have an awakening after releasing it.

But yeah I dont mess with high doses like that any more and I dont even touch THC. I've been only doing 2.5mg of CBD every few days and even that feels too much for me. The 15mg range is breakthrough range and I dont go up there anymore. The last time I went up there my stomach became INCREDIBLY tense for days and I would vibrate in my sleep spinatiously because I couldn't hold it back, but I never let it get to the root because I was too scared to release it. I would also have dreams of me screaming during those nights and I would ask my mom, did I scream in my sleep last night?

But this is just how CBD works. It relaxes the body and gives it the opportunity to deflate and release pent up stress, trauma, and inflammation. It also calmes the mind and acts as an anti-psychotic medication. It's quite a profound substance for an entry level guy like me, but I'm the only one in my immediate general social circle and family that it affects like this. Most people hardly feel it and it does nothing for them. My guess is cause they dont do body awareness and are constantly distracted and focused outward.

But this is where I'm stuck now. It's clear that I have the desire to release this trauama, but not the full will. It feels like my entire body and mind will deflate if I do so and I'm not joking! I know how good it would feel but I'm worried that I will be forced to confront and process much more than I could handle. And I don't think theres a gradual way. It feels like all or nothing as far as I can tell if I want to purge it once and for all. And I'm also not sure if there are multiple things at play here? Maybe one thing is holding back another? Maybe my anxiety about releasing it is a completely separate issue? I don't know.

So I come here looking for people who have gone through the exact same or similar experience that I'm describing here and can help me walk through it with trust and understanding so that my mind can relax a bit and trust the process. I'm also looking for people to get nitty gritty and describe the process of release, how it felt, the after effects and so forth. That would be really great thanks. I'm actually very interested in the details of what your experience was rather than general advice and theory! Because I have all sorts of plausible theories myself about all this that make perfect sense but may not be true. Any support is welcome also, and please note that I am getting professional help from therapists in the near future which will be the bulk of my work so I come here for any extra understanding that might help. Thanks for reading!

Edited by Timothy

"Yesterday's truth is today's bullshit. Even yesterday's liberating insight is today's jail of stale explanation." - Brad Blanton

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I have not had the pleasure of trying this yet, however someone suggested a therapy called "zero balancing", and it seems to fit right into what you might be looking for, perhaps as an aid on your journey - so I will leave a link here on what it is, just so you have it if the need ever arises.

https://blog.milkandhoneyspa.com/2011/10/12/zero-balancing-what-is-it-and-how-does-it-differ-from-other-massages/


🌺 

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@Keyhole thanks! 


"Yesterday's truth is today's bullshit. Even yesterday's liberating insight is today's jail of stale explanation." - Brad Blanton

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i really like your story and feel empathy for you as much as i have, i know it can be hard releasing your energy and sympathies with you. im on the opposite end because im currently on medication and feel anxiety here and there sometimes. i hope you continue to purge your emotions until you fully release it. take care brother.   

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@daniel695 yeah it's certainly tough :/ 

Thanks so much for the support! :)


"Yesterday's truth is today's bullshit. Even yesterday's liberating insight is today's jail of stale explanation." - Brad Blanton

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