Advice on healing-journey

[TheExplorer]

Hi everyone,

I’m new to this forum. I’ve been following actualized.org for 2-3years now and love Leo’s content.

I’m suffering from some sort of “social anxiety” for many years, probably as long as I can think. Social settings and people tend to make me uneasy, nervous and anxious. I’m a HSP and quite empathic.

There seems to be trauma/wounds inside of me that makes it very hard to trust people in general. I started to live pretty isolated early on, maybe at the age of 12-13. Now I’m in my early thirties and so this has been a pretty long-standing pattern of mine.

I started to get sick of this maybe 5 years ago and started things like psychotherapy (which did not seem to move much, if anything).

Almost 4 years ago I started to tap into psychedelics and then had my first strong experience, which kind of destroyed my materialistic worldview in one night and set me off on my spiritual path. At first I had pretty high hopes in psychedelics, hearing people say things like “one trip was like 10 years of psychotherapy”. I still believe they are an amazing tool, but I’m left with integration work that has been challenging so far. After quite a few trips now they did change my view of the world and society a lot though, and I believe I’m way wiser and aware than just a few years ago.

The last two years I intensified my efforts of trying to heal myself. And I think also through increased awareness of how I’m leading my life, my suffering/depression about my situation has been intensified during this time as well. I just don’t want to live like that anymore. I see no point of an existence without good community and deep connections with other human beings. I’m so sick of being alone. My psychosomatic symptoms do increase as well, seems like the body/mind just can’t deal with these things very well anymore as I get older.

Some of the things I did in the past two years include:

• Daily meditation habit
• Ayahuasca retreats and solo psychedelic journeys
• Kambo sessions
• Traveling
• Becoming more social, joining some theater group, going to meetups
• 10 day Vipassana retreat
• Going to the gym with coaching (stopped that right now cause my body started to hurt too much)
• Cuddle therapy sessions
• Working with Sedona Method (on a break now as well, but I do believe it does work)

 

Overall I do think that I’m improving and that things get better, but up to this point I’m still having a hard time building/maintaining connections with people. There is something in me that is terrified getting close and being abandoned by someone. There is also a lot of shame around that, like probably some part of me thinking it doesn’t deserve to be loved. Due to these things I also never had a real girlfriend before, and I can be quite neurotic interacting with girls these days. This year I had for the first time, for a few months, some sort of relationship with a girl (seeing her 1-2x a week) and think it overall did help me. It also brought up those fears and demons a lot. I could enjoy the time we spent together, but afterward would often get these ideas why she is bad, evil, dangerous and often wanting to end it. We talked very openly about these things which was helpful. Right now we stopped seeing each other without a clear end to it. It was difficult having sex, and I’m not sure if it’s because we’re not that compatible or me being afraid of the intimacy, well I’m definitely afraid of the intimacy .. I could notice me building some walls there.

Now I just started working again 40hours a week, and while this job is not too bad, it just drives me insane being trapped in this cycle of working a lot and going home to be alone most of the days. Some days I feel like I’m on the brink of losing it. This also gets mixed in with my increasing awareness of the dreamlike/illusionary nature of reality. Like part of me (I guess thats Ego) started to resent the dream and doesn’t wanna play this stupid game anymore. It’s kind of a mindfuck, I’m the one who’s dreaming up my own suffering. While I start to be more aware of that, and being able to let go more of this I sense, I’m certainly still trapped in Ego identification a lot.

A few days ago I had an MDMA session with a woman working in the therapeutic field, combined with talking, bodywork and touch. It was not bad, I’m just kind of afraid that it did not reach very deep and I often had feelings of apathy during the session. Will see how the following weeks go. I had also some feelings of distrust coming up towards her, which is likely linked to the apathy as well. I could imagine this working better with a more compatible therapist and deeper trust.

From working with the Sedona Method I developed a better sense of holding on and letting go. It seems like these days I’m much more willing to let go of my old story and let new things into my life. It’s still a struggle though and demons/Ego-lashback can be quite terrifying and disorienting as I move out of my comfort zone – not sure if I can simply let go of that wounded animal inside of me.

I recently find myself drawn visiting/living in an intentional community which is focused on healing and spiritual growth. Seems like there are some good things out there.

 

My question for this community:

What are your thoughts on this and any advice for my healing-journey?

Thank you.

Edited July 10, 2019 by TheExplorer

[memocappa]

Hey @TheExplorer, based on what you're describing, it sounds like an abandonment related subconscious thoughts are preventing you to open up your heart to others. 

When you say "Social settings and people tend to make me uneasy, nervous and anxious", can you notice your thoughts while they're rising, or this is something you realize afterwards?

When you notice that the same thing arises, try to apply a present moment awareness to take notice of repetitive voices in your head. You might also notice certain emotions with the thoughts. Then when you have a free time, mediate and visualize that moment you experienced and get in touch with those thoughts and emotions you noticed. And then ask yourself this question: "when did I feel this way for the first time in my life" and continue your meditation with this focus. You'll begin to see some childhood memories appearing in your mind. Let them pop up and if you get a good connection to the same feeling, keep your focus on that memory. Try to go back as much as possible. You probably had a previous experience that lead you to your isolation when you're 11. Try to re-contextualize the events as just facts and feel the emotions. Once you have a good understanding of the events, take your child-self in front of you and explain what's going on. This is going to help you to open up a communication with your subconscious mind. And during this experiment, let the child to talk back to you and listen to what he's saying and continue to your conversation. 

After this experience, I highly recommend writing a letter to this child. Don't think much what to say, but just write whatever you want to say to him. Once this is over, also write a letter to the people who caused that trauma and express whatever the emotion you felt to them with no intention of sending this letter. 

Lastly, I highly recommend the book called "Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again". You might find other related limiting beliefs and work on them at your own pace. 

Good luck!

 

 

[SunnyNewDay]

sounds like you've really taken a lot of action and are a good person. many people won't even do even10% of what you have done. Don't really have any advice. Keep on keepin on!

[DrewNows]

Have you heard of psychosomatic therapy, good for trauma, I hear.

You’ve done a lot to overcome or work on yourself, but I’m curious how much of these issues you have been able to accept. Acceptance tends to be the last puzzle piece in letting go of a thought pattern/identification/habit 

[Aaron p]

11 hours ago, TheExplorer said:

I’m suffering

@TheExplorer no *you* are not

[Pacific Sage]

@TheExplorer @memocappa

Thank you both for sharing! We need more healing! 

[Gili Trawangan]

Have you mapped out your childhood traumatic events? Find out where the fear of abandonment comes from. You need to understand it and grieve, which means going into the memories and feeling those feelings all over again and connecting with your child-self. Otherwise these blockages are not released and stay in the body (unconsciously).

Well done on all the work you've described, you're doing great.

Edited July 11, 2019 by Gili Trawangan

[Charlotte]

@TheExplorer Absolutely massive well done for taking responsibility of your life. You've/you're doing amazing, don't stop. 

I'm going to echo what @DrewNows touched upon and ask if you truly and deeply have accepted? Acceptance I personally feel can happen on different levels. When you accept on the deepest level, you just know. 

Your journey is beautiful, that's exactly what it is, a journey, embrace and rejoice in each and every new part of it. If you haven't reached to a certain part of journey yet which you feel you should have already, glance back and make sure you learned each and every lesson along the way. Did you definitely clear each 'obstacle?'

And most importantly, enjoy friend. ❤️

[Nahm]

@TheExplorer The work you’ve done is outstanding and commendable. The fundamental ongoing of suffering doesn’t seem to have been adressed, and sensations continue to be misunderstood. You can never be that “you” in thought stories, you are already the awareness of the thought stories about a “you”. That’s not you. It’s subtle, and will change everything about the experience.  

In short, hanging onto a problem and fixing it over and over, vs letting it go, and embracing the sensations. Linguistically, the source of the sensations is the actual you. Avoidance of them is only in misunderstanding them. The source is infinite love, misunderstanding & avoidance is the means of separation. In routinely, habitually believing you are in a thought story, you remain fragmented. In this scenario love can be “got” or “lost” in the world, in relationships, in all situations, and that misunderstanding is fear. But love can never be found or lost. There is only self discovery, through the sensations. 

[zeroISinfinity]

@Nahm So are you Telling me that meditation is the Way? Can't be THAT simple. 

Demanding rational explanation. ?

[Jkris]

@TheExplorer There is no point in existence with out having deeper connections with good community and other human beings ?

I am sick of loneliness.

I dont trust human beings.

--------------------------------

Right now I dont have clarity about this.

Interactions with worldly people - attachment are not fascinating me any more.Attachment interactions with them brings suffering.

No need to trust people anways.Trusting people is trusting the mind.

But lonliness is a serious question to ponder.

So connection with spiritual community can be helpful.

 

[TheExplorer]

Thank you everyone for the great replies,

I've been busy and gonna be gone for the whole weekend visiting family now.

@memocappa

At my last Ayahuasca retreat a girl told me that she can see my heart opening up. I hope shes right.

 

 

Gonna reply in more detail later.

 

[TheExplorer]

Wow, time is rushing by.

Been meaning to reply earlier, been busy and probably also avoiding it.

@memocappa Yes it’s not easy to open up and stay open. It does not feel safe.

There can be awareness of being anxious/uneasy, but can also be difficult to stay present. Often times these situations feel like a piercing needle that wont stop nagging me. I will try the meditation/visualization exercise you recommended and having a dialogue with the inner child.

When I was visiting my family just now I talked to my mother about the time when I was born. I always knew I spent quite some time in the hospital due to a health condition after being born, but never considered what kind of impact this may have had. I got her to send me a diary she wrote during this period and read it all last weekend. I spent a lot of the first 6months of my life in the hospital, apparently 1month in an incubation chamber just after being born. Reading through it I also realized for the first time what a rough time this must have been for her as well. And from thinking about this and also talking to a few people, it seems likely/plausible that this may very well play into my current issues of lack of basic trust, fear of abandonment and a hard time opening up.

If this is indeed the case, I wonder though how I would even access/process this Trauma if I have no recollection of it (at least not in the normal waking state)? Psychedelics and hypnosis do come to mind .. maybe direct memory is not required to let go of it?

 

@DrewNows I have not heard of that, but it does look interesting, thank you.

Someone recently recommended Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) to me.

As for having truly accepted, it seems a bit tricky. As time moves on I seem more willing to accept and let go. But there’s certainly still something in me that is not quite willing to let go and wants to hold on. Would probably be good for me to do daily releasing via Sedona Method.

 

@Charlotte Thank you for the warm words.

 

@Nahm I do think meditation and psychedelics already helped me with that somewhat. Still easy to get lost in the story though. I do see some shifts in not taking my Ego-self so serious anymore though. Like this one guy at work nagging me a bit (and I became aware I kind of attract this behavior) .. in the past this would have driven me nuts, but I just can’t take it too serious anymore, it doesn’t cause me to lose much sleep for the most part. I believe part of this is based in dis-identification, letting go of the story.

 

Some time having passed after the MDMA session now, I do believe it was a therapeutic experience overall. Being in this open/vulnerable state, receiving and giving affection, the bodywork and talking openly seems healing. I also believe it could have went deeper, maybe a different therapist that allows me to open up more or different techniques during the session.

I have three weeks of vacation coming up at the end of October, I’m considering going to a Rainbow Gathering/Burn/intentional community OR go to Peru for a 2week+ Aya/plant medicine retreat. I’m not sure what of this may be more beneficial for me right now (think it's scarier to me to go to a Rainbow). So far i've been on two Aya-retreats that lasted two days each and were in Europe. I got a solid recommendation for Peru with really skilled masters and a good program combining Ayahuasca and master plants.

 

Thoughts on this?

 

Thank you everyone, grateful for the help.

 

 

Edited July 28, 2019 by TheExplorer

[Nahm]

@TheExplorer Sounds like you’re doing great, that’s really good to hear! I do want to point out a distinction, just in case, regarding what I said on thoughts stories and stories... In a nutshell, experiencing as “you” “in the thought story” pales by comparison to actual you, getting deeply ‘lost’ into the story, into your life. There are sensations at play with this regard, as no thought story will ever compare to the dream life. You probably knew what I meant, but just clarify in case you took it differently. 

As far as the retreats... @Serotoninluv Has solid experience with group retreats and would be a better resource. I’ve always had a bit of a lone wolf solo retreat philosophy.

[TheExplorer]

@NahmI have some trouble decoding what you're saying, but i think we are on the same page

I just had a powerful meditation on Keith's Cacao (ceremonial grade), and in general I notice how important daily meditation is on this journey of transformation and staying on track.

A lot of stuff is happening right now:

A few days ago I went to see a girl for cuddle therapy I never met before. There is  good chemistry and connection. During the session she was holding me and at first there was resistance. I noticed that deep breaths would help me to allow this. After a while I started the weep and cry for like 10 minutes. Pretty intense. After sitting up again, I noticed my arms and hands and maybe my whole body vibrating strongly, tingly sensations. A sensation that I recognized from a Kambo session about 2 months back. I believe this is energetic blockages being released from the body. Will probably have more sessions with her as I think she can really help me. There was also a lesson here that I still need to integrate:
That it is Okay giving and receiving love, that I deserve it and that Yes - it is possible to be betrayed, but this true core of me can never be "hurt" or "diminished" by it. Only the Ego can. This insight seems actually a bit confusing/conflicting with the whole healing the inner child/trauma stuff. Not sure how this connects yet. Ideas?
    
I decided to do the dieta in Peru and already had an introduction call with them and paid a deposit. Think this can be really powerful.
    
I saw this girl again I was writing about in my initial post and she invited me to an alternative festival the upcoming weekend. Not really in my comfort zone, but will go as I think it should be good for me.

Edited August 5, 2019 by TheExplorer

[Nahm]

You’re doing great. Peru & the festival sound fun! 

2 hours ago, TheExplorer said:

That it is Okay giving and receiving love, that I deserve it and that Yes - it is possible to be betrayed, but this true core of me can never be "hurt" or "diminished" by it. Only the Ego can. This insight seems actually a bit confusing/conflicting with the whole healing the inner child/trauma stuff. Not sure how this connects yet. Ideas?

Letting it go is the healing. The inner child is the healer, “the cork which floats”, and in truth is never in need of healing. Let go of notions to the contrary you’ve stacked upon it, love bravely, let infinite intelligence do the healing it does so well. Trust is a silly notion, for the unseen which has been beating the heart all along, wouldn’t you say? It’s ok to Let Go. 

It is ok giving and receiving love, you deserve it, it is yours, a divine right, transcendent of all non-sense - more so, separation is impossible, truly impossible. Permeate yourself in it, until your capacity must be shared. Never have you been at all, without being you, and there is nowhere we can go where love is not readily available - sans the illusory stories of our minds yet to be surrendered. 

That’s why it’s important to notice, you are not in a thought story, you are aware of thought stories - you’re right here, right now, real, aware, this is the real Story. Truth is invisible guidance, unseen orchestration, no thought needs be added. Let go, relax, listen, relish in appreciation and gratitude. This is healing. 

The ego can not be hurt, as it does not exist. It is a story, thoughts believed, unjust and untrue as fear. Locate, isolate, the hurt, and this ‘self’ which is hurt- know them precisely, wholly, entirely, be crystal clear of these shenanigans. Comprehend distinctions so finite, they begin to appear truly inseparable. These are just happenings in the universe, and we can see about them and understand. We can recognize ourselves in all things. 

The true self can not be hurt, as it is all things, is no things, and yet while still, rises above all things.  

The inner child creates, shares, expresses, rejoices in every instance, cherishes all variety of all kinds - creating with all colors. Be there in action, and in mind. The inner child is a creator, the creator of the thought stories, and can surrender them in kind, and give them away in kindness. Mystical kid indeed. 

The notion that it is possible for someone to take your love, in the sense, rob you of it and or withhold it from you - is a facade, which we reinforced in lending it the real ‘thing’ - you.

Rather, remain in truth, aware of. Let it all go, let it all go. If and when it ‘takes you’ again, let go again, and again, and again, ‘ours is not a caravan of despair’. 

The more of yourself given, the more arises. As Rumi says, “Wash yourself of yourself”. What magic can do this?!  You can do this. Among the deepest truths - indeed, you already are. You’re exactly when and where you’re supposed to be, and all is well. 

 

 

 

[zeroISinfinity]

Trickster ad infinitum. 

My cake! 

Edited August 5, 2019 by zeroISinfinity

[Yannik]

Try ashwagandha for a while. It helps you become more open and it will may get you the reference experiences that show you socializing isn't too hard and that you can do it as well. It really helped me a ton becoming more social. 

It's basically nothing but a plant extract.

 

See some studies about it here:

https://examine.com/supplements/ashwagandha/

https://elemental.medium.com/what-is-ashwagandha-2d97b9c7b98c

 

[memocappa]

@TheExplorer Sounds like you have an imprinted trauma from the time you were just born. I believe Somatic therapy could address what you're talking about.  

[Superfluo]

@TheExplorer

check out this