Raphael

Going through the spiral

864 posts in this topic

My Current State

This is my current state:

  • Quiet
  • Observant
  • Thoughtful
  • Insightful
  • Messy without being a complete mess
  • Often distracted by thoughts
  • Have difficulties controlling myself from reading this forum
  • Often have sleeping problems
  • Average self-esteem
  • Average confidence
  • Average social skills with some social anxiety
  • Uncomfortable with dating
  • Not assertive enough
  • Not decisive enough
  • Not responsible enough
  • Pretty good integrity
  • Rather polite, but sometimes gross
  • Lonely
  • Poor
  • Self-employed working on building a solid financial foundation
  • Can easily stress and over-dramatize things. In consequence, I can burn myself quite quickly
  • Minimalist
  • Simple in appearance but with a deep complexity behind the scene
  • I feel like an adult, but sometimes also like a kid
  • Very wise, but sometimes also very dumb

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My Ideal Authentic Self

This is the state that I'm shooting for / what I want:

  • Quiet when I want to be quiet and playful when I want to be playful
  • Observant
  • Thoughtful
  • Insightful
  • Rather organized without being too much organized in order to have space for creative thoughts and allowing novelty
  • Clear sophisticated thoughts
  • Spending less time on this forum
  • Deep and regenerative sleep
  • High self-esteem
  • High confidence
  • High social skills
  • Assertive, but not too much except in situations that need it
  • Decisive, but not too much in order to allow new possibilities
  • Highly responsible of me and of people around me
  • High integrity
  • Rather polite, but sometimes gross
  • Funnier
  • Relaxed
  • Good masculine / feminine balance. Maybe 60% masculine and 40% feminine or 70% masculine and 30% feminine
  • Awesome with women, able to have a deep emotional connection with a woman that resonates with me, provide containment, and provide amazing sex
  • Less judgmental of people
  • Lonely most of the time, but with a bit more social interactions
  • Completely financially independent
  • Having an authentic business connected to an authentic life purpose that brings deep satisfaction and has a positive impact on the world
  • Minimalist
  • Simple in appearance but with a deep complexity behind the scene
  • Being a responsible adult while still allowing the kid inside me to show himself and to be playful
  • Wise
  • Humble

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Sometimes you just have to fucking push yourself.

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I took a few pictures of my face and it looks good. I choose to kept my mustache and started to grow a beard just to see how it goes. I like my face, it looks good.

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Posted (edited)

I think that I often have a very negative self-image. If someone looks at me, he/she would probably see a perfectly decent human being. I eat healthy, I exercise regularly, I make money, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't do drugs. From the outside, I'm like more normal than normal. So normal that it's abnormal. Yet, I always feel that something is deeply wrong about me. I always feel inadequate in this world.

Edited by Raphael

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Also, I thought I had social anxiety... well I now know that this is BS because I talked with someone that I resonate with recently. When I meet open-minded people I can effortlessly talk to them and have great conversations. My problem is that most people around me are too closed-minded and/or have nothing in common with me. In consequence, it's really difficult to have conversations and I cut out most people in my life.

Finally, I got in touch with an old-friend recently and we will be working together in the future... so I will spend a bit more time with people.

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I always felt a sense of responsibility towards humanity. I always felt like I was born to change the world, like literally, but I'm still not developed enough for that. I'll write about that soon.

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Posted (edited)

Overblown

I'm overloading myself with too many things, I'm completely overblown. I want to think and write about many things but this is too much for me, I also need empty time to clear my mind.

Things to do outside of my main work:

  • Coaching: Write my vision
  • Trauma work and journaling about traumas
  • Writing some posts in this journal

I'm going to prioritize my vision writing, then move to other stuff.

I will write a few posts in this journal. These posts are:

  • About Raising Human Development
  • Breaking Boundaries Between Self, Others, Political Parties, People, Government, Race, Genders, and Everything Else in the Universe
  • Racism in the US
  • The Structure Behind Ideological Debates (Refined Version)
  • Emotions = Logic

I need to organize some time to journal about my traumas in this journal:

And finally, I'm going to let go of this journal. I had a lot of thoughts and interesting things to write, but this is too much, I don't have enough time so I'm letting that go:

I want to think less and do fewer things, but put more intensity into what I'm doing.

Edited by Raphael

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I feel like I'm levelling up, my consciousness is raising, I'm getting more into Yellow.

I'm done with the pressure of being politically correct. I want to be systematically correct, I want to be integrally correct. I want to do things for the larger whole, things that benefits the larger ecosystem even if they are detrimental to some individuals or to me.

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How can there be no objective truth is this is true that there is no objective truth?

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34 minutes ago, Raphael said:

How can there be no objective truth is this is true that there is no objective truth?

this paradox/strange loop is "a feature not a bug" (as leo would say) :D

It's hard to explain how what you wrote is perfect to someone who insists that it can only be either/or

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About Raising Human Development

I'm still not sure about the form that my life purpose will take, but I know what it will be about: raising human development. This is what all life purposes are about. All life purposes are the same but a few variables make them seem different. They have different forms, they are more or less impactful, they have different targets, they have different levels of consciousness, but they are all the same in the end.

Everyone has a natural purpose as everyone is contributing to the whole. Most people live purposefully unconsciously where a few live purposefully consciously. Cleaning toilets is a purpose that contributes to the whole. Serving food at a restaurant is a purpose that contributes to the whole. Taking care of old people in a retirement house is a purpose that contributes to the whole. Helping homeless people is a purpose that contributes to the whole. Raising kids is a purpose that contributes to the whole. Building roads is a purpose that contributes to the whole. Building an app is a purpose that contributes to the whole. Building self-development methods is a purpose that contributes to the whole. Etc., etc.

I always felt a sense of responsibility towards humanity. I always felt that I was born to do great, that I was born to be a catalyst for human development. Some people resonate with that, some don't. In my case, I resonate. But, even if the feeling is inside me, finding an authentic way to help the world is something that I struggle with. I struggle because of how complex I am and because of how diverse my interests are. I can be artistic and I can also be logical. I always seek novelty so I don't see myself being specialized in a field. I like to interconnect different domains and see the big picture. And finally, I want to help the world. With all these variables taken into consideration, my current idea is to: study the globe as a whole, see how it interconnects, find strategic areas, create infrastructures that will interconnect and create chain effects to gradually raise human development at a global scale.

China is already doing something like this. But how about doing it for the interest of humanity instead of the interest of a single country? And doing it in a way that equilibrates the globe, reduces extreme poverty, and brings similar high-quality living standards for everyone?

Now, am I going to go in this direction? My soul wants to say yes as I don't see any more compelling life purpose — except if we integrate space travel too, but I'll probably die before seeing anything significant in this area — but reality creates tough challenges.

Nevertheless, what I noticed is that even if this is challenging I'm attracted to this. I already know what I need to get there:

  • Money. A lot of money. What is great is that I currently work in a field where it's possible to generate a huge amount of money when a product is creative and well marketed. I have a project like this in mind and it has the potential to generate hundreds of million of dollars. I also got in touch with an inspiring friend recently and we will cooperate in the future. So some things look great here.
  • Education. A lot of education in a lot of different fields.
  • Experience. A lot of experience.

One more point about education is that I am interested in everything. And currently, I am particularly interested in:

  • Politics
  • History
  • Geography
  • Human development
  • Psychology
  • Philosophy
  • Epistemology
  • Metaphysics
  • Thinking systems: creative thinking, critical thinking, system thinking, holistic thinking, integral thinking
  • Business
  • Marketing
  • Emotions
  • Trauma Healing
  • Relationships
  • Sexuality

I'll find time to educate myself more in the future as my main work is currently taking most of my time.

They are also other things that I noted:

  • This is way too big for me, I cannot do that alone. I will have to create an organization and this organization will contain some high-level meta thinkers and other divisions that will be more down to earth to make the changes.
  • An organization like this already exists and it's called the United Nation. Maybe one of the best move that I can do is to find a way to work for the UN with my skill which is studying a lot of different perspectives and making interconnections to creatively solve problems.
  • Even if I want to help the world I still want to have a minimalist lifestyle where I only work 20 to 30 hours/week most of the time. Combining a simple, authentic minimalist lifestyle with a big life purpose is going to be tricky.
  • I want truth to be an essential component of my life, of my work, and of my impact on the world.
  • I also like art and this life purpose relies a bit too much on the left brain. I want to help the world in a way that combines both left brain and right brain, in a way that allows me to logically and artistically express myself.

So... that's a lot of stuff, but I don't see anything else to do with my life other than learning, appreciating it, and helping others. For the moment I'm focusing on the basics and on educating myself. This vision is a very long-term vision. How old will I be when I will be able to start helping the world at a meta-level? 35? 40? 45? Maybe. And how old will I be when I'll be able to start seeing some changes in the world through my work? 60? 65? 70? And significant changes? 80? 90? 100? Or maybe I'll die before.

In all cases, the most important thing is to enjoy the process of learning, living and helping. There will always be bigger life purposes. Being obsessed with having the biggest life purpose can be an egotistical narcissistic trap.

The best thing to do is to be perfectly balanced between the paradoxes of life: having a purpose that doesn't matter in the end; appreciating the now, tiny things, and subtleties while still having a long-term vision; etc., etc.

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I also thought that I could do Leo's job in the past, cause, honestly, I have the capacity to do it. Speaking for 3 hours is easy when someone's already thought of a subject for 100 hours.

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Also, even if I want to help the world, sometimes I think that we should exterminate the human specie because it is causing too many damages to the planet, but that's not a holistic approach.

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Low conscious intellect is a way to escape emotions, vulnerabilities, and hide feelings such as: shame, pain, hurt, sadness, anxiety, insecurities, etc.

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Low Conscious Intellect vs. High Conscious Intellect

Low-conscious comes from strong voices. It stays stuck into paradigms. It is used for egoic agendas, it wants to win at everything. It wants to debate everyone because it is convinced that it is true. It wants to impress people, it wants to fool people, it wants to get into positions of power. It brags a lot. It is sure of itself. It feels strong and assertive. It feels logical and mechanical.

High-conscious intellect is as simple as possible but not simpler. It stays as clean as possible because it understands how complex things can be. It doesn't brag except for a bit of fun cause that's life after all. It doesn't debate because it understands that all pieces ultimately come together but it converses. It unbiasedly examines all perspectives while at the same time knowing that it is biased by the human condition. It feels light and subtle. It feels like art.

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If one day people ever stop building things around me I think I'll get out naked on the street and start to dance to celebrate. At this rythm there will be nothing left on this island in ten years except buildings everywhere. No nature, no place to relax, nothing except buildings.

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What I Know I Want With Certainty

  • A lot of diverse knowledge
  • A lof of diverse life experience
  • Traveling
  • Understanding of the world as a whole
  • Self-understanding
  • More empty time to let myself relax and let my mind do whatever it wants
  • More relationships and meeting more diverse people
  • High emotional mastery
  • Spirituality
Edited by Raphael

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