Going through the spiral

[flowboy]

1 hour ago, Raphael said:

What I Know I Want With Certainty

• A lot of diverse knowledge
• A lof of diverse life experience
• Traveling
• Understanding of the world as a whole
• Self-understanding
• More empty time to let myself relax and let my mind do whatever it wants
• More relationships and meeting more diverse people
• High emotional mastery
• Spirituality

Such healthy things to strive for!

Very inspirational.

[Raphael]

Something's strange with my health. My digestion is slower than before, my gut often annoys me when I go to bed. I poop less than before and when I poop the poo is dark. I lost some weight even though I'm already skinny, it's probably because I removed peanuts, cashew nuts, lentils, peas, chickpeas so I'm eating fewer calories. I'm too skinny, it's possible to feel my bones at some places of my body, I feel weak, this is not healthy. I will increase the quantity of the rice and oats that I eat + the quantity of fish/eggs.

I feel strange and tired. This day was messy.

+ Health @flowboy

[flowboy]

5 minutes ago, Raphael said:

Something's strange with my health. My digestion is slower than before, my gut often annoys me when I go to bed. I poop less than before and when I poop the poo is dark. I lost some weight even though I'm already skinny, it's probably because I removed peanuts, cashew nuts, lentils, peas, chickpeas so I'm eating fewer calories. I'm too skinny, it's possible to feel my bones at some places of my body, I feel weak, this is not healthy. I will increase the quantity of the rice and oats that I eat + the quantity of fish/eggs.

Seems like a good corrective measure to me. By removing all those legumes you removed a lot of carbs and protein.

Are you eating until satisfied?

@Michael569?

Edited September 3, 2021 by flowboy

[Raphael]

4 minutes ago, flowboy said:

Are you eating until satisfied?

Always. But what's strange with me is that I don't feel hunger and never felt that much hunger in my entire life even when I don't eat that much. This is like an almost unknown sensation to me.

[flowboy]

2 minutes ago, Raphael said:

Always. But what's strange with me is that I don't feel hunger and never felt that much hunger in my entire life even when I don't eat that much. This is like an almost unknown sensation to me.

Interesting, I haven't heard that before.

I wonder, does it change based on how much you are in the body vs in the head? E.g. is hunger easier to feel after a yoga session or breathwork / dance / workout?

What about after an emotional release? Does that make any difference?

 

[Raphael]

@flowboy

I did felt the need to eat a bit after a breathwork session. Other than that I never felt that much change. I'm going to bed I'm too tired.

[Michael569]

hey @Raphael  hope you don't mind me chipping in. 

3 hours ago, Raphael said:

Something's strange with my health. My digestion is slower than before, my gut often annoys me when I go to bed. I poop less than before and when I poop the poo is dark. I lost some weight even though I'm already skinny, it's probably because I removed peanuts, cashew nuts, lentils, peas, chickpeas so I'm eating fewer calories. I'm too skinny, it's possible to feel my bones at some places of my body, I feel weak, this is not healthy. I will increase the quantity of the rice and oats that I eat + the quantity of fish/eggs.

I feel strange and tired. This day was messy

You know there is no shame sometimes to go see a doc and get some basic testing that your medical insurance would cover. 
There is a variety of stool tests they can do and some blood test as well. Describe your symptoms and see what they would be willing to do  

Do you eat gluten or have you been in past month or so? 

[Raphael]

9 hours ago, Michael569 said:

hey @Raphael  hope you don't mind me chipping in.

It's fine, this journal is an open space  

As I don't eat any wheat, I'll say that I didn't eat any gluten since a long time.

Another thing that I'm sure about is that I don't eat enough. Most people in my family have a skinny genetic and other men eats gigantic plates of rice compared to me. Even if they eat an impressive quantity of food the aren't overweight so I think I have to follow their path to get to an healthy weight.

[Michael569]

@Raphael yeah that might be a good strategy. From my experience it is often lack of calories and lack of protein in diet that causes fatigue. 

Good luck!

[Raphael]

Practicing Authenticity Through This Forum

I want to use this forum as a playground to become more authentic. I many times wanting to say funny things here but didn't because of the fear of showing myself more. This can be a good exercise to practice openness, vulnerability, and authenticity. And I can have a bit more fun too.

[Raphael]

Even though some people give very valuable advice, I many time thinks that this subforum should be closed. Some things that I read there seem to come from aliens trying to make contact with humans.

https://www.actualized.org/forum/forum/3-dating-relationships-sexuality/

I'm not perfect and obviously have my own difficulties, but there should be higher minimum standards in this place. Any threads that don't fit these minimum standards should be closed. Seriously, wtf am I reading?

 

[Raphael]

Minimum Standards for the Dating Subforum

What should be the minimum standards for the dating subforum? People are there to grow so this is normal to see them throwing emotions such as anger, frustration, neediness, pain, sadness, etc. But what should be the minimum acceptable? It's not possible to cut all drama because otherwise, people cannot express themselves, but it's also not possible to have too much freedom to the point that this place isn't a sane place. Where should be the balance?

I currently have in mind only two things:

• No pure stereotyping like "meeeeeh all men are assholes" or "meeeeeh all women are sluts". I think that everyone should be above that. Any threads like this should be closed immediately.
• And especially for guys: not seeing women only as things to fuck and not seeing sex as a competition. I personally have a sister and it would disgust me if a guy ever tries to have a relationship with her only for sex without trying to know her.

The minimum is to have the awareness to explain issues without pure stereotyping of one gender. This only thing could make this place a sane place for self-grow. That's all.

P-S: Also, I'm no writing that to put myself on a pedestal. I also have my issues, in fact, I created a thread one day where I complained a bit.

[Raphael]

Conflicted About My Sexuality

There's something really weird with my sexuality. The thing is that I know what women wants, I think that I have the appropriate knowledge and maturity, and I know that I only need to push through my comfort zone a bit to start experimenting, but something is holding me back. I feel a lot of inner conflicts within me and I'm not sure how to sort that out. My conscious self isn't aligned with my subconscious self. This is weird, there's like beliefs, shame, past experiences, family conditioning, cultural conditioning, expectations on me, expectations on women, who am I supposed to be as a man. There's a lot of things mixed together, it's like a bowl of spaghetti so mixed up that it's difficult to extract one single spaghetti. This is making me feel psychologically stuck regarding dating and sexuality.

There's also something related to my dad. I feel some shame for having the dad that I have. If I get a girlfriend, I wouldn't know how to explain to her who my dad is and I wouldn't know how to talk about it with my dad. I never had any real conversation with my dad in my entire life. He was like afraid to talk to me and my sister directly, he would use my mom as a way to talk to us, he would ask her to ask us some things rather than talking directly to us. Most of the time when he would talk to me he would say things like: "Do this.", "Do that.", "Open the door.", "Close the door.", "You're dumb.", "You're lazy.", "You're weak.", "You're skinny.", "You are not learning anything. When are you going to learn?", etc. I never talked about relationships nor sex with him. I feel like the way that he dealt with people in his life and dealt with women in his life created a subconscious conditioning in me that "relationships are bad, sex is bad, sex is not normal, intimacy is bad, women are bad, men are bad, I am bad, you are bad, everyone is bad, the entire world is bad". This is really weird. How can I talk to this man? I don't know and I don't want to talk to him, but I always feel that he is holding me back. I feel like I cannot do anything nor succeed in life with him in my mind.

[Raphael]

Sure, we don't have to find everyone attractive, but if someone gets to the point of disliking/hating someone only on the basis of physical appearance that says a lot about this person's maturity.

 

[Raphael]

 

 

[Raphael]

Intelligence is Stupid.

[Raphael]

I feel like I'm down spiraling.

I feel like I'm dumb, incompetent, worthless, ignorant, selfish, weak, lost, fearful, ashamed, afraid, irresponsible, incompetent, egoic, irresponsible, incompetent, egoic, selfish, irresponsible, incompetent, selfish, abnormal, weird, irresponsible, incompetent, weird, abnormal, lost, dumb, lost, dumb, irresponsible, incompetent, fearful, selfish, hypocritical, empty, irresponsible, incompetent, irresponsible, incompetent, irresponsible, incompetent, irresponsible, incompetent, hypocritical, irresponsible, incompetent, hypocritical, judgmental, lazy, judgmental, lazy, I'm not generating enough results, I'm slow, I only want to show the best version of my hide but I hide myself. I hide my difficulties, I hide my insecurities, I'm immature, I'm dumb, my conscious self isn't aligned with my subconscious self. I'm egoic, I'm selfish, I'm lost. I'm slow, I'm slow, I'm slow, I'm slow, I'm slow, I'm slow, I'm slow, I'm slow, I'm slow, I'm slow, I'm slow, I'm slow. Why am I so slow? Why things takes so much time for me? What do I have in life? Nothing. I'm empty. I'm empty. I'm empty. I'm empty. I'm empty. I'm hiding myself, I'm hiding myself. I don't want to show my true face. I don't want to show my vulnerabilities, I'm don't want to show my difficulties. I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake. I'm inauthentic, I'm inauthentic. I want people to see me, I want people to see me. I am an ego and am a very big ego. LOOK AT ME NOW. I AM HERE. YES, LOOK AT ME NOW. YOU SEE ME?! I'm happy because this is what I want, I want to be seeing. I want to been seeing succeeding in life, but I don't want to do the work. I'M AN IMPOSTOR. I'M AN IMPOSTOR. I'M AN IMPOSTOR. I'm dumb. I have a sense of superiority. I'm way dumber than most people. This is why I want to show myself. THIS IS THE DIRTY ME. THIS IS THE DIRTY SIDE THAT I HIDE. HERE IT IS. IT IS EXPRESSING ITSELF TO THIS FUCKING WORLD. HERE IT IS, IT IS FINALLY AUTHENTIC. HERE IT IS, SEE HOW SELFISH AND EGOISTICAL IT IS. IT DOESN'T WANT TO HELP, IT DOESN'T CARE. It is as selfish as anything can be. What it cares about is people's opinions. This is why theses journals look so good, it's because it doesn't want to show how bad it really is. BUT HERE IT IS NOW, IT IS SHOWING ITSELF. HELLO?! HELLO?! CAN SOMEONE HERE ME? HELLO? HELLO? I feel misunderstand. I feel that I'm not listened to. I feel that nobody cares about me. But, how about me? Who do I care about except me ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME. No-one except ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME. I'm selfish, I'm egoistical, I'm selfish, I'm egoistical, I'm dirty, I'm dirty, very dirty. I don't want to help. I don't really care about others. I'm lying. I'm lying to everyone, I'm lying to myself. Here we go, I'm finally showing this side of me. This dirty side that has been repressed since so long. This dirty side that I hide. This is authentic. This is authenticity right now. Normally I write random shit on paper before going to bed, but I finally chose to show this side of me. This dirty side. This side that doesn't care. This side that wants to rule the world. This side that looks ugly. This side that nobody wants. This is why I don't approach people and don't spend time with people, this is because this part of me doesn't want to be seen. This part of me is so selfish that it could take the entire world with it. I've been so selfless in the past because I was hiding how selfish I was. Selfishness and selflessness are two sides of the same coin. If someone really pretends to be selfless, then he hides an enormous selfishness. This is why so many spiritual gurus are controversial. They pretend to be spiritual because they are avoiding themselves just as I'm avoiding myself, just as I'm avoiding this extreme dirty side of myself by just not giving a fuck about people. How dirty am I really? How dirty am I? I don't know. I'm super dirty, I'm the most dirty person who ever existed on this planet and who will ever exists. But why do I feel so dirty? This is not normal. This not normal to feel that dirty because I never really did much damage to anyone. But why do I feel so dirty? Where is this dirtiness coming from? Where are you coming from dirtiness??? Where are you coming from dirtiness??? Hello dirtiness? I don't understand where you are coming from. Please, explain to me where you are coming from cause I don't understand. Are you coming from my dad? But my dad cannot exist without me perceiving him which mean that I created my dad. This mean that ultimately I'm the one who created so much dirtiness and who created himself dirty. But why did I created myself dirty? Why did I created myself with a feeling of dirtiness even though I never did highly dirty things in my life? What's the most dirty thing that I did? I don't contribute to society. I'm isolating myself too much because I'm afraid of acknowledging who I am. But the only way to acknowledging who I really am is by facing myself, but I cannot face without being in solitude. But if I'm everywhere, then I'm always in solitude with myself even when I'm with people. But the solitude that I experience by being in a room alone is different compared to the solitude that I experience when I'm with people. People are challenging to me, they are very challenging. Why don't they see me?

The spiritual path is crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. Also I'm really not that spiritual. The only spiritual practices that I have are 30 to 45 minutes of meditation in the morning + 2 breathwork sessions per week (if I even do them).

I'm a dunig kruger. I have a big ego, a big sense of superiority who pretends to be selfless. I'm not selfless, I'm full of shit. I don't care about anyone, I really don't care. I'm afraid of myself, I'm afraid of how dirty I am. This is why I pretend to be a saint, this is why I pretend  to be god. I hide. I hide. I hide. I hide. I hide. I hide. I hide.

This shit doesn't make any sense, but I'm doing it anyway. I'm practicing authenticity and openness by showing my true self. My true self is afraid of himself. He is afraid of being seen. He is deeply afraid of what people thinks of him, but here we go anyway it is showing himself.

He is making progress. Great, finally. Finally a bit of progress after so many years of being stuck in the same shit. In the same mindset of only showing the best of myself and always hiding the worst of myself. This is it. This is the worst. This is the worst. It isn't that great. It is dirty, it is selfish. I feel it in my belly. I'm ashamed of it. I'm ashamed of being myself. But this is who I am. This is the worst of me. This is the worst of me finally showing up to this fucking world.

Hello world? Hello world? Hello? Can anybody hear me? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Do I have anyone attention. LOOK AT ME. READ ME. LISTEN TO ME. I am here, I want to express myself. I want to be seeing, I want to be understood. I'm sick of hiding. I'm just so fucking sick of hiding so much. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick.

Ok. I feel maybe a bit less sick now. The sickness seems to go away as long as I'm letting myself go away by expressing it. I'M EXPRESSING. YOUHOUUUU! I'm expressing. I will much more self-expressing now... wait I'm already are self-expressing. I'm currently expressing myself authentically... no... almost authentically. I'm authentically expressing myself at 80%. This is still not the worst. I don't know if the worst will ever show itself. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. But if God really wants to find himself, it knows that it will at a point. It will and it will be dirty

Doing this kind of things publicly feels great, it feels relieving, it feels like the beginning of authenticity.

I feel better now.

[Raphael]

That was stage Red. I have this kernel in me who feels dirty.

[Raphael]

Fear of Missing Out Actualized.org

I'm confronted with a dilemma here.

Actualized.org is built in a way that all videos interconnect together to form a big picture so if I stop watching the videos and start again in maybe 1 - 2 years, I'll think I'll be a bit lost. Currently, my main problem with these videos is that most of them are useless for me: they aren't aligned with where I am in life, they are really long and I have difficulties finding time to watch them, they can take a lot of space in my mind that I could use to better deal with basic and necessary life stuff, and finally I think that I'm starting to get sick of listening to Leo so much and wants more diversity.

So much spirituality and philosophy is too much for me, but I'm a bit afraid of missing out because at the same time these videos have many gold nuggets in them, but they are not helping me, they are making me stuck on this path.

Any tips on how to cope?

 

[Raphael]

Goodbye Thoughts

I love you all, I would like to write you all day long, but they are too many of you. Most of you will never be read by anyone. I'm letting go. I'm sorry. Goodbye thoughts.