Going through the spiral

[Raphael]

Staying Clean After Breathwork

I screamed so much during my breathwork session that I lost my voice, it will come back tomorrow.

After my sessions, I usually feel quite empty and my ego wants to go back so instead of eating a healthy breakfast, as usual, I prepare some toasts with marmalade which is crap. I need to make an effort to stay healthy even after a huge emotional release.

[Raphael]

Men Needs To Evolve

 

[Raphael]

Walking In The Streets As A Woman

This is insane.

 

[Raptorsin7]

@Raphael How are your sessions going? What's your technique?

Can you full on cry from each session?

[Raphael]

@Raptorsin7

I'm following the sessions that @ElenaO mentioned https://breathworkonline.com/

I do the ones on Tuesday, however, my free plan will expire soon so I will probably continue on my own. For the technique, it's deep breathing into the belly, I increase the speed as time progress.

I would like to, but I never cried so far. I mostly had a lot of tingling sensation and hand twisting, and also a lot of shaking experiences. I often feel very lightweight after the sessions.

Sometimes, I feel sad during the day and I would like to cry, but I'm not able to do it. That's frustrating, it's like being sad, but not sad enough to cry, so the sadness stays in the body.

[Raphael]

I'm See Myself In My Family

I see myself as a very exotic being.

I see myself in my grandma, I see her social anxiety that I have. She is always afraid to disturb people, so she hides her emotions and stays alone. Because she represses so much her emotions, they come back later as explosions. It's similar to me, but I don't show my explosions and prefer to experience them alone.

I see myself in my deceased grandpa, he used to be very maniacal, care a lot about details, and be organized. I take attention to details too and I'm a little maniacal in my work too.

I see myself in my dad, he is his own boss, has its own business. He lives with hate and anger, is very disorganized, criticizes and is hateful of everybody, is authoritarian and controlling too. He doesn't care about anyone and sees himself as superior to everyone on the planet. But he is also charismatic and funny sometimes and says directly whatever comes to his mind. I want to be my own boss too, I'm, in fact already my own boss, but I'm currently unstable. I hated the world and other people most of my life too, I also like to have some control because I see most people as incompetents that need to be guided. I made enormous progress on these issues in the last five years, I'm now a lot more in peace with people, but I still have social anxiety. I try my best to be as honest as possible and say things even if they hurt me. I had some charisma too but lost it in the past years due to emotional abuse. I will get it back.

I see myself in my mother, I see her care for her family. I see how idealistic she is, I see that she wants everybody on the planet to be free and live in peace and harmony. I see how she is compassionate and cares about her health and the wellbeing of other people. It's fortunate that she is here, she adds a balance to my life. I'm also quite idealistic, I'm concerned for the well being of humanity (what a paradox considering that I hated people most of my life). I want the world to evolve so that we can all live in peace together.

I see myself as a mix of beings from all around the world. I see myself as white, and I see myself as indian. I also see myself as asian, and also as african. I didn't live in a white majority country most of my life, nor did I ever visited India. I was born, raised, and currently live in Africa, but I am not a black African too. I'm a descendant of people who experienced the second world war, of people who lived in very good conditions and enjoyed life. I'm also a descendant of people who experienced extreme poverty, who worked almost as slaves, who didn't even have clothes, soap, toothbrushes, and beds to sleep in just 60 years ago. I'm a combination of highly selfish people, but also selfless people. I'm a strange being, I attract eyes wherever I go. Some people are intrigued while looking at me and come ask me questions. It happened wherever I went to.

I see myself as a complex chemical mix trying to balance itself.

[Raphael]

Not Trusting Leo

I really like Leo's content and highly resonate with him most of the time, but at the same time that's almost everything that I watch and I have been following him since the end of 2015. I'm ingurgitating too much information from him. I also feel like he is shaming people in his videos for not doing what he is doing, even though the shaming decreased a lot in the last 2 - 3 years probably because he grew a lot too.

I need to stop trusting everything that he says and spend more time alone investigating myself.

[Raphael]

Life Advice For Young People

Excellent videos as usual that I need to implement.

 

[Raphael]

How The Mind Distorts Reality

This is gold, that's one of the best explanation that I read in my life on how the mind extrapolates stuff and give too much importance.

Quote

The mind extrapolates isolated incidents as general reality. This is super common for a mind immersed into self preservation - especially when that mindset is re-enforced by social conditioning. For example, a lot of Americans are afraid of terrorists and want to protect themselves from terrorists. The news is filled with stories about terrorists. However, the chance of an American dying from a terrorist attack is less than the chance of being struck by lightening. Notice how the mind extrapolates isolated terrorist incidents to be a general phenomena which is dangerous to me. Yet the mind does not extrapolate lightening strikes as a general phenomena which is dangerous to me. Part of this is social conditioning. 

Credits: @Serotoninluv
Full Post: https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/50294-those-rioters-made-an-excellent-case-pro-guns/#comment-646833

 

Edited June 17, 2020 by Raphael

[Raphael]

On Being Right / Wrong And Openmindedness

• We can be openminded and right, we can be openminded and wrong
• We can be closedminded and right, we can be closedminded and wrong
• When we are openminded, we explore more perspectives (good ones and bad ones according to the context that we are in) so we tend to be more wrong than a person who is closeminded and right. However, by being openminded we are also more right than a person who is closedminded and right or a person who is closeminded and wrong because we go through a lot of different possibilities to find the truth, so the probability of being right when being openminded is much more important than being right and closeminded.

Edited June 20, 2020 by Raphael

[Raphael]

Understanding Democracy & Authoritarianism

This is genius. All of Leo's videos are very high-quality videos, but this one is in my Top 10 of his best videos. That's a step above everything that he did before, better than the Spiral Dynamics series and better than the World Value System explanation. He went full circle and was able to hold many different and opposite paradoxes at the same time yet pushing towards a direction that doesn't matter in the end.

I'm highly impressed, that's a step even above than usual. That's the INTP mind pushed to its limits.

Edited June 22, 2020 by Raphael

[Raphael]

Stage Orange Bullshit

I'm sensing the stage orange bullshit with my current main client. He wants a lot of high-quality work for a low amount of money. He doesn't want to use the freelancing platform too because he finds the fees too expensive where I personally consider that it's fine to pay these fees because the platform provides some security, help, and moderation. It's also illegal to make payments outside the platform and it could get me banned.

I don't know how is this relationship going to go, but I currently don't trust this guy, he already lied in the past. That's a huge red flag.

[Raphael]

Overblown

There are so many things going on in my head right now. I have storms of unrelated thoughts that changes in less than 10 seconds, too many things happened too quickly in the last few days. This is craziness, I feel like my mind is exploding.

[Raphael]

Biases

It seems like I'm having a biases awakening, I'm becoming aware of many biases that I have about people and about myself. For the moment the most important thing is too keep a low profile and observe them rather than making assertions.

[Raphael]

Top Priority Books

1. Kriya Secrets Revealed - J.C Stevens
2. The Secret Power of Kriya Yoga - Santata Gamana
3. Shadow Dance: Liberating The Power And Creativity of Your Dark Side - David Richo
4. Reichian Therapy - Jack Willis
5. Thick Face, Black Heart - Chin-Ning Chu
6. The Six Pillars of Self Esteem - Nathaniel Branden

Edited June 26, 2020 by Raphael

[Raphael]

Destructuring Myself Before Building Myself

I need to destructure myself first before building myself.

When building ourselves, we build either on emptiness or on previous conditioning, and if it's previous conditioning it's often an unhealthy one. It's better to have an empty foundation than an unhealthy foundation. A tower built on solid foundations will raise higher and be much more stable than towers who have weak foundations.

That's why I place Meditation, Kriya Yoga, Shadow Work, and Reichian Therapy before everything else. It will help me destructure my mind/body and have a clean empty foundation to build myself as a human being.

[ElenaO]

You have a lot of interesting stuff here. I share the experience with trusting Leo's content too much and not listening too much from the others. Though I've recently started doing more of Shinzen Young's programs. I definitely think we need to diversify, it's just that I resonate so much with Leo's content and a lot of times it sounds so true to me. But then again this may be because I've been following him for so long and growing at the same time with his content. 
Keep up the great work! You are inspirational. 

[Raphael]

@ElenaO

Yeah, I have the same issue too. I resonate so much with Leo that it's crazy. We are both INTPs and both have/had toxic families, I also wanted to become a game designer like him when I was a teen and was highly interested in philosophy when I was in high school. In fact, I resonate so much with his teaching style that I feel like it's me who is talking to the camera. It's hard to stop watching him when he feels like being my clone.

So much similarities, that's crazy.

[ElenaO]

Haha, I get it. I feel often that he's literally my older brother. Which is crazy and I think my mind comes up with these crazy ideas. 
But I do think there's definitely things that we have to be careful about. So I've been trying to be watch less of the videos and do it with breaks, because I do notice I tend to just take the advice as the absolute truth, which it isn't. 
 

[Raphael]

Fake Self-Esteem And Low Self-Esteem Interaction

There's an entire scale of self-esteem that starts with people who have no self-esteem and end-ups with people who have very high self-esteem. On this scale between the transition from low self-esteem to having some self-esteem, there are people with fake self-esteem.

Fake self-esteem people are people who have a lot of insecurities but hide them with a fake self-esteem layer, they want to be seen and act as confident but are not and will often use force to drag themselves up (that's discipline, notably the stage blue one, but it also applies for low orange and red too). The result of that is accumulated anger and the inability to have proper emotional mastery. Fake self-esteem people will also react against people who have low self-esteem but don't fake it, they will criticize them, try to correct them, and blame them for being weak. They do it because they are very afraid of realizing how low their self-esteem is and afraid of processing their emotions, so they will naturally hurt other people and try to make them react.

I noticed this with people and myself.

My self-esteem in school was very low so I attracted a lot of bullies who had fake self-esteem. I also had periods where I had low self-esteem and therefore some people that I was working with started to criticize me, blame me, or ridicule me.

But I also did the opposite. Sometimes in my life, I created fake self-esteem and was reactive with people with no fake low self-esteem so I criticized them for that without realizing that I was myself insecure. On this forum, I found myself attracted sometimes to people who have low self-esteem and are talking about their difficulties. I need to watch myself closely.

High self-esteem appears when someone properly embodies the healthy aspects of the SD developmental stages.