Spirituality vs Low Self-Esteem

[AdamDiC]

Kinda like a journal entry + forum post:

Somewhere on this journey i have created the belief that to be pursuing Truth, with all its various duties, one has to stop to caring about their own well being. Thinking along the lines of; tending to the self is deception or farther from the Truth, all desires are feelings and can be let go of, i am a programmed biological entity and need to transcend that.

Well it turns out that my life fucking sucks beleiving that bullshit. Lmao.

I need a sense of worth, purpose, love, expression, and creativity. I can and should be an asshole at time (assertivness and integrity). 

Spirituality...i honestly no very little of.

I literally know nothing about Truth, i just meditate and think sometimes lol. I think I've always had a default position of Low SE and spirituality kind of aided my ego, with the idea of no-self and self eradication. It actually gave me an identity, something to strive for, a cop out for dealing with my inadequacy, and it also embraces suffering instead of practically solving it.

My question is one of balance. Life purpose and enlightenment. (I know this has been discussed countless times before)

How can i balance being a selfish little devil and also Truth (consciousness work)?

How do I know what is right?

Any general rules of thumb for staying on track?

How do i go about being a selfish little devil and actualizing my whole amazing life without demonzing it as bad? (wow, realizing so much uncoscious beleifs)

i understand that these are really up to me to decide, but in your life, when can you tell that you've overdone the ego, life purpose, striving thing.

i like music, i am a musician, a great one, and i feel amazing when i play, i am amazing, theres just guilt there, and anger, born of love. I want everyone to have what i have, well at least the people suffering. But i cant even give myself what i want. I deserve it, i am amazing.

thanks.