I am devastated and not having fun here.

[Sartanion]

If someone tells you that life is just a game, don't trust him. If it is, it's the shittiest game, because it lacks clear sense of progression and even the UI. Can you think of any game that lacks those thinks that you like? Even if I try my best, I can't.

Just needed to get it out there. Thank you for reading the following experience and if you have any thoughts, please don't hesitate to share them, because I have no idea what now. Nothing seems to matter now. Thank you.

____________________________________

Yesterday, after doing too many rounds of holotrophic breathwork, I had a dream - vision or sense of you want to call it, it doesn't matter. But I was convinced that I live with clean game-like user interface (UI) that tracks my progress, experience and skills acquired and measures the path to goal that I chose.

It was so amazing, I felt the most satisfaction and extasy I have ever felt in my life, I could clearly see my progress in front of me and It was something that could help me move forward (which i have problems with), it wasn't just goal with action steps written on paper, it was clearly in front of me.

Today after waking up and realising that it was only dream, I was so devastated that I skipped my excercise and I went to sleep convinced that after I wake up the interface will be there. It wasn't. I am supposed to study for exams and find a job, but even if I try, I can't - I am devastated and I dont know why.

I mean, I can always code something similar, but that won't be it. The interface not created by me was like a proof that person can move somewhere and it matters what he does. But it's gone and nothing seems to have any meaning anymore. Please help?

[Zigzag Idiot]

 

@Sartanion Some quotes from Maurice Nicoll

They may or may not apply. That's for you to decide.         I try to only 'work' on myself.

THE LAW OF THE PENDULUM

“Our moods are all hung on to pendulums. We should not trust them. Unfortunately, we identify with them. We take them as ourselves. We say: ‘I feel,’ ‘I think,’ and so on. We forget that ‘Real I’ is in the centre of the pendulum-swing, and we allow ourselves to swing between ex- citement and dejection, between enthusiasm and depression, between over-valuation and under-valuation, between conceit and humility, and so on, endlessly. In all this there is no centre of gravity.” V. 1, pp. 328-9

THE LAW OF THE PENDULUM II

“Our whole lives, ordinarily, are governed by the Law of the Pendu- lum. We all swing to and fro. When you are in one opposite you are unconscious of the other, and vice versa. You may have idle dreams
of rising and rising, of progressing and progressing, of getting better and better, but all these are indeed idle dreams...What do you think self-knowledge means? It means knowledge of all sides of yourself... If you can see both sides of yourself, what you call your good side and your bad, then you begin to be conscious in opposites at the same time.” V. 1, p. 325 

 

THE FEELING OF NOTHINGNESS

“When the Work says that a man must come to realize his own nothingness before he can be re-born, it does not mean that he must humble himself and so on, but that he must by long self-observation actually begin to realize that he is nothing and that there is no such person as himself. The object of this is to get into a position, psycho- logically speaking, between the opposites...Why is it so important
to get somewhere into the centre of the pendulum and not swing to and fro? Because here, between the opposites, lie all the possibilities of growth. Here influences from higher levels can reach us. Here, in this place where one can feel one’s own nothingness (and where one is therefore free from contradictions), influences and meanings com- ing from higher centres, which have no contradictions, can be felt. Not regarding yourself as good or bad, not priding yourself on being just or otherwise, not thinking you are well-treated or badly-treated, not being caught by either movement through identifying, you come into this mid-position. This is not easy! With personality active, it is impossible.” V. 1, p. 329 

[Gili Trawangan]

I don't agree that there is no clear sense of progression in life. In this forum it is referred to as levels of consciousness.

I look at myself five years ago and ten years ago and it is absolutely incredible how much happier and well balanced I am today. Ultimately this sense of progress is self-created and is not to be found in reality, that is correct. But then again we create our own reality, don't we?

[kag101]

You're taking the insight of "life is a game" too seriously... 

To me, you're just a person who is overdoing spiritual practices (namely holotrophic breathing), and who is depressed.   

[Wyatt]

@Sartanion If you want to, you can track your progress towards your goal. What are your major goals for your life? How specific is your vision and understanding of your goals? Are there ways that you can measure the progress towards your goal? (For exmaple, if my goal was to get stronger and gain muscle, maybe I would measure my progress by how much I can squat, bench-press, and deadlift) How much time have you spent envisioning the process that will get you to your goal? Do you understand ALL of the traps and pitfalls, as well as the skills and abilities needed for your success?

You also seem to be struggling with understanding meaning. Contemplate meaning more, and try to get a better grasp of what role it plays in your life and others. Is meaning real? Do certain things have an inherent meaning? What meaning do I give the things in my life? Is the meaning I place on certain aspects of my life serving my best interests? How can I expand what is meaningful in my life?

Hope this helps!

[Eric H]

Go for a run around the block. Get out of your head and into your body for a bit, it will help lift your mood.