So a "window of opportunity" is opening to me to cure my anxiety/social but is Scary

[Javfly33]

And I don´t know if its the correct one. I don´t know if this might be delusional and that is why I need your insight for this.

    I am beggining to realize, more and more, that in order to:

   1.  Be able to express myself freely in front of others, 

   2. Don´t judge myself/my decision in regards to what other people might think of me, or particularly, how they might affect them (obviously not taking it to the extreme, but that´s why I have a rational brain, I don´t mean "you want to piss in somebody´s face, go ahead and do it").

That in order to do that, I have to ground myself in my experience. I only had one big, very intense insight one day where for some hours, I was nearly all free of judgements and anxiety-free in front of my father, whom I have behaved around all most of my life scared, not freely, and constantly my mind asking "permission" to the other person´s perspective (imagining , of course), before actually doing my action, whatever it would be. 

Now, when situations where I feel I am not being authentic to my self arise, I feel, after all of this time, that I have actually have a choice! This choice means listening to me, ground in my experience, feel that "this" is the one who is now living this experience, and go ahead with that. But in doing it arises a very large fear of being ALONE, of, if this works, and it does, it just feels like a rabbit hole that if i go all of the way, woah, a lot of my perspective is going to be dramatically different. Feels like Solipsism. TO be honest i have been suffering some kind of Solipsism monkey-mind talk for a long time since I started taking Spirituality serious (like doing a lot of practice)

And then I could become delusional and start behaving totally like a madman. And I would be alone in my experience. I always have been, but. This feels like more real. 

Edited June 20, 2019 by Javfly33