What if I'm not excited by my God-given talent?

[Gili Trawangan]

Although I realize that ultimately the answers must come from within, I would really appreciate some advice.

I'm currently in a good place, emotionally more stable than ever, seeking self-realization but enjoying life along the way. I feel very fortunate and have nothing to complain about. But, having said that, the mind does tend to wander...  here's what it thinks about these days:

I'm struggling to find a balance between 1. complete acceptance and living in the present moment; and 2. self-actualization. Somehow the idea comes that I should make the most out of this life and use the talents that I've been given. In Leo's post "What is Self-Actualization?", it's there: "self-actualizing people are actively nurturing their talents".

I've always had a talent for music. It showed from a very young age, but I wasn't pushed into it by anyone and I was unware of it until I turned 16 or so. I even resented my mother for having seen that talent early on and doing nothing to encourage it. Then I started to develop it by myself and, to make a long story short, I pursued a musical career that was not commercially successful. I made one album that didn't sell and by then I had spent all of my money and energy. At the time I was 100% identified with my ego so I took that failure very personally. I gave it all up and moved on to other things.

I have no regrets about what happened, it needed to happen just the way it did. But when I think about self-actualization, there is no question in my mind that this is my biggest gift. When I tap into it, I hear whole symphonies in my mind, or songs, or melodies, the potential there is incredible. I hadn't heard the concept of infinite intelligence then, but that's what it feels like, like the music just appears in my awareness effortlessly and there's nothing to do but transfer it to the "real world" (ok, it's actually difficult to do that, but you get the point). It also remains dormant when I'm uninterested in it.

And this brings me to the crux of the problem. I haven't been interested in it for five years now. I was very passionate about music before, but then I became passionate about travelling - did that - and now I'm passionate about spirituality and self-realization, so I'm focusing on that. When I think about making music again, it doesn't stir up any excitement. I'm not interested in success, and making music the way I hear it is especially time-consuming and difficult (I tend to hear a lot of different instruments, orchestral "big" music).

Am I squandering away this talent? Should I try to activate my interest in it? It feels like nothing material really interests me these days, and that's a little scary. I'm 37, it feels like I shouldn't be so disconnected from the world of form. On the one hand, like Ramana Maharshi said, "self-realization is the biggest gift you can give to the world"; on the other hand, God gave me this musical gift.

Any thoughts or advice will be much appreciated!

[Leo Gura]

Sounds like your passion lies in spirituality. So follow that.

[Gili Trawangan]

@Leo Gura Simple and clear!  thanks

[tedens]

Awe..some bro. I know what You mean. 

Some sample?

Edited May 29, 2019 by tedens

[RichardY]

You get Slain, and cast into outer darkness.

[Gili Trawangan]

@tedens I hope you don't mind but I'd rather remain anonymous... don't worry, you would probably be disappointed! 

Mostly it was musicians who seemed to like my songs, they weren't very relatable. Plus they're not in English... 

 

@RichardY Would you care to explain what you mean? I didn't understand a single idea...

[tedens]

@Gili Trawangan maybe... one day we'll hear 'Yo'.

[RichardY]

42 minutes ago, Gili Trawangan said:

@RichardY Would you care to explain what you mean? I didn't understand a single idea...

Parable of the Talents.
Whatever does not teleological cohere with maximising the utility of God, is discarded. Or removed.

Is spirituality a talent?

 

[Gili Trawangan]

@RichardY Ok, I understand now, I looked it up.

I think for some spirituality might be a talent, some people have a natural ability for it. I don't seem to have it. Whereas with music, I do have that natural ability.

I'm still not sure what you're trying to point to, to be honest...

[RichardY]

@Gili Trawangan If economic reality, allows you to perform your music do that. But if you're going down the path of spirituality, then you ultimately need not to be enslaved to either an institution or other people. I'm not sure how you can get resources through spirituality, unless you develop a cult like persona. Or develop a more direct connection to God.

[Gili Trawangan]

@RichardY Ok I understand what you mean. I neglected to mention in my OP that I have a job, neither connected to music nor spirituality, that gets me resources. Half of my time is devoted to that job, what I was questioning was what to do with the other half  besides my passion for it, spirituality has the benefit of being virtually free, whereas music would require monetary investment.

Thanks for your reply.