Rilles

Shadow Journal

197 posts in this topic

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I am JEALOUS

and

I am ENVIOUS

 

 

BROTHERS 

If I find out indirectly that you are doing something fun without me I feel left out, sad and angry! I tell myself I dont need you! 

Thats because I feel less important! 

I lose trust in you

 

If you dont call me now...

...then when you do call what purpose do you have, whats the hidden agenda?

 

I have 4 older brothers, there is a 7 seven year gap between me and my closest brother.

There was always a great joy when my brothers had time to spend with me as a child.

I have always valued friends less than my brothers, I have hung out with them more in the past few years than any friends.

When they did things without me as I child I often left out, I was too young to join alot of the activies they did. I dont remember a specific event but I often felt very sad because they had other things to do than spend time with me. 

 

———

 

People dont need me...

So I would rather isolate myself than to get rejected... a pre-emptive measure.

 

FRIENDS

In ninth grade I was standing on the balcony looking down on the street and I saw a bunch of people going home to my best friends house, he was my neighbour since I was a child, he hadnt called me or texted about it at all! I was so pissed! Why didnt he call me! He doesnt want me to join him?!              what a c🥳nt!

 

 

IN LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS

A deeper form of jealousy...

#1

When my Ex-girlfriend was tutoring an older man in his 60’s I had bouts of jealousy because I didnt trust what they were doing... it sounds stupid but I had a really hard time being alone at home while she was there, I just felt like... Why do you have to help that guy?? He is 60 years old... why is he learning Chinese... I dont trust you...

I never told her I felt this way... as soon as she came back and talked to me I felt reassured however and realized how silly I had been acting... 

 

#2

When my girl was talking in Chinese to her old friend from college who was a very attractive and hard working man she ignored me for a while and I became really pissed... I completely lost my senses and I didnt want to talk to her for the entire evening! She had to try really hard to reassure me so I could calm down... I calmed down and then I was happy as a peach again.

 

I didnt like her working with other men... 

 

I might have an Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment when it comes to friendships and love. (See below)

Whats your attachment style?

 

 

IN MUSIC

While researching on the internet I project my insecurities on up and coming musicians who do a similar style to mine... and sound better than me... I get so triggered by them...

”I want to be the one to monopolize on that style... Theyre stealing from me... I came up with that...”

Everyone becomes a target for me.

”Oh this is so cliche...”

”Oh look at how he dresses, he is just trying to be cool and trendy”

”Oh he probably doesnt have many fans anyway”

”Oh hes not gonna succeed with that style”

It goes on and on...

 

I have a real hard time with successful musicians because I really want to succeed too! I feel like Im not living up to mine and others expectations...

Will I ever...? If there is always a higher level than I will always be jealous... unless I go to the root of my jealousy. 

 

————————

 

I feel jealous when I am afraid of being abandoned.

I feel envious when Im not living up to my ideal while others are.

These feelings are in me!

They are a natural part of me!

They are okay feelings!

I can handle them.

When they come up I am aware of them.

If I am envious or jealous I will express that to the other person in a calm and truthful way, if not possible I will utter to myself:

”I feel jealous right now, thats okay”

 

Jealousy and envy is fear.

Fear is nothing to be ashamed of.

Its okay to be jealous.

Its okay to be envious.

Its okay to be afraid of being abandoned and left out.

 

 

 

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Posted (edited)

”Anxious Preoccupied Attachment – Unlike securely attached couples, people with an anxious attachment tend to be desperate to form a fantasy bond. Instead of feeling real love or trust toward their partner, they often feel emotional hunger. ... He doesn't really love me. This means he is going to leave me.”

Edited by Rilles

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Posted (edited)

Im not afraid to be alone. Leaving me is okay. Its being disliked that is my problem. I have a harder time being with you when you dont like me than being alone. The feeling of being disliked is horrifying. 

Edited by Rilles

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I never ask for help.

 

I want to manage on my own.

I feel abandoned.

I dont need you anyway.

I keep things inside.

I dont want to bother you.

I’ll fix it anyway before it spirals into catastrophe...

Feel like noones gonna help me even if I ask.

The world is a rough place with little heart.

You either get what you want or you lose hard... Noones gonna help you climb.

I cant even ask for a pen to fill out a form.

 

I vividly remember doing homework with my dad when I was in 2nd grade, Everytime I didnt understand a question he would get really angry and my heart would start beating in terror, he would imply my stupidity by saying “dont you get this??? why not!? thats not hard!”

The more he yelled the less I understood and could focus.

 

One time he even got mad at my highschool because he didnt like the textbooks, he called up my teacher instantly and gave her an earful, a few days later my teacher met me after class and was shocked “Is he always like that?” “Yeah hes a bit over the top... sorry...” 

 

Case in point... Its better to do things on your own... you never know if youre gonna get yelled at, criticized, ridiculed or called stupid. My dad rarely helped me with any homework after that... I would just say Im finished or that I didnt have any... or some other excuse. 

 

I need help badly.

I dont want to do it alone.

I feel so abandoned.

Like noone cares about me.

I have to bite every bullet by myself.

Im at a crossroads in my life right now and

I need all the support I can get.

Im moving out of my home and its very important for my mental health to get out of here, to get it right.

I ask you for advice but I feel like it doesnt cut that deep, its a tiny nudge with your little finger and what I need is a push over the edge...

I cant do it on my own

Its obvious

I dont have all the tools I need...

 

Thats why my ex-girlfriend was so amazing,

she stood by me and gave me so much advice, more than I have ever gotten before. The problem was I neglected so much of it, I didnt understand it was from a good place, I thought it was just criticism, thanks for that, dear.

 

Its not that I dont need your help

I want your help but Im too afraid to ask

thats the big difference...

 

I unconsciously go about my life by taking on everything by myself... and thats why I end up where I am...

 

I wish I could ask for more details.

I wish I could show that I actually care, because I do, I want the best for myself but wanting to get away and figure it out in my head overrides alot of our communication.

I push you away and so you think ill be fine by myself... vicious cycle... an old defense mechanism...

 

Its okay to be afraid to ask.❤️

Its okay.❤️

 

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Posted (edited)

Good post man. It reminds me of how there’s so many ways we perceive reality(people situations events). Some people will always see the world as their endless playground of tools to use, things to do and create while others will decide prior to taking the leap that this is how it’s gotta be, I gotta be like this so things can be like that 

me vs world = me vs myself 

me = world is to take the world as yourself 

Edited by DrewNows

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32 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

Good post man. It reminds me of how there’s so many ways we perceive reality(people situations events). Some people will always see the world as their endless playground of tools to use, things to do and create while others will decide prior to taking the leap that this is how it’s gotta be, I gotta be like this so things can be like that 

me vs world = me vs myself 

me = world is to take the world as yourself 

PPP

you gotta... pick the proper perspective :]

 

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insight

I dont feel worthy to be around other people. I feel small. Like I am one head below everyone else.

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Funny.

I just read an ad that said;

The average CEO reads 60 books a year”

Ive read 50 books in 5 years.

Whats more important? Quality or quantity?

Dont fall into the Stage Orange guilt trip. 

You dont need to read a billion books. Read carefully and read what you need.

Or just use wikipedia, its quick and cheap. 

Dont fall into the smart trap. There is nothing to prove. 

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A friend of a friend once said to me

”Typical of you, leaving out of the blue again, without telling anyone why”

I am flakey. I tend to avoid. I am Unreliable.

 

Ashamed of telling you why I cant keep my appoinments. 

 

I moved away from where I grew up in 2011, all my old friends lived 2 hours from my new home. I used to take the bus all the way to meet them and hang out, one day my dad had snooped through my messages on Facebook (no boundaries in my family) and discovered things he didnt like... My old friend wasnt to his liking.

This resulted in me having to lie about where I was alot... thats hard to do when it takes 2 hours to travel back and forth. Eventually I got tired of having to be anxious about meeting my old friend, we met up less and less until eventually I wasnt hanging out with him or anyone else anymore. They got tired of me taking too long to show up too I guess. There is no excuse for leaving your best friends, ”Its your life” Yeah... Tell that to the terrible anxiety. 

I kept by myself in my ”new home”... for a few years. When it drains my entire energy to do something normal eventually its not worth it anymore, everyone needs equilibrium, Im no different. Keeping myself alone, at peace, with my own stuff was that.

 

Ive flaked out on life for a long time now...

Its finally beginning to change.

I got myself a job and will soon have a place to stay. Will be less flaking. 

 

I have been flakey

I am flakey

I avoid to keep safe.

Thats okay.

Its a defense mechanism.

I acknowledge my avoidance.

I will be honest to my friends and family about why I cannot keep my appointments.

”Sorry, today I feel... Sorry, this and that got in the way, raincheck?” Not being able to be there is okay but I will be honest about it, for my own good. 

 

 

Should I be liked be you? Or should I keep safe from fear? Thats the dilemma.

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I find a lot of your struggles relate-able, and am happy that things are starting to get better for you!  I'm rooting for you!


🌺 

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2 hours ago, Keyhole said:

I find a lot of your struggles relate-able, and am happy that things are starting to get better for you!  I'm rooting for you!

Thanks man! Self-acceptance and self-love is key to a fulfilling life. ✌🏼

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@Rilles You're welcome!  I agree! <3  You're very honest with your journey and I find that very admirable.  


🌺 

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3 hours ago, Keyhole said:

@Rilles You're welcome!  I agree! <3  You're very honest with your journey and I find that very admirable.  

Brutal honesty is necessary to shine a light on the shadow. ; )

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Why was I never taught this in school? :( 

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I am timid

 

I feel robotic. My bones are beams of metal. Everyone including myself is made of thin ice. 

I never throw myself into anything.

My voice is soft, people sometimes say they cant hear what I am saying ”Say again?” I said people often dont hear what I am saying ”Oh”

We often spoke behind my dads back so my voice learned to be very quiet. 

 

I approach people with great care.

I feel paralyzed to take risks.

Im walking upon my kittypaws on eggshells.

 

Being timid has been my way of controlling any excess excitement, doing or saying anything I might regret, Ive tucked down my energy back into a little drawer, this goes back to childhood as it all does. 

 

This is a very dangerous house.

Watch what you say.

Watch what you do.

No sudden moves.

Its safer in your room.

Had to be constantly on guard and paranoid.

I would always listen for the elevator or the rattling keys in the door.

I never could relax 100%.

My body has become frozen in that state.

Im still a scared little child.

 

I have a hard time touching or hugging people properly.

I want to hug you from my most inner core and heart but I cant. 

I have a hard time letting someone physically close unless I have sex with them, maybe my boundary is non-existent, (emotionally is easy though, I love that.)

 

I wish I could dance and sing without a care in the world what anyone thinks.

One of the saddest things is that I have never expressed my joy and excitement as much as I truly want, to a 100% percent! I just want to scream and let every inch of pain and joy out.

But...there is always someone I have to think of, someone watching me or hearing me, Im the typical wallflower, the guy at the club standing around unless hes drunk off his ass.

 

But...

Here are 4 good parts about timidness or how to turn timidness to my benefit. 

 

Being gentle

Being careful

Being attentive

Being mindful

 

Im timid.

Thats okay.

I know why.

I dont have to explain why to you.

I can be myself.

I embrace this aspect.

I embrace the good parts and the lesser parts, they are all me.

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Posted (edited)

10 hours ago, Rilles said:

I feel robotic. My bones are beams of metal. Everyone including myself is made of thin ice.

 

 

Edited by DrewNows

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1 hour ago, DrewNows said:

 

 

hahaha thanks i guess... 

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Subconscious feelings around strangers, friends and brothers

Feelings that arise that I have felt but never thought about clearly

 

 

When I approach a stranger or a stranger approaches me

I feel threatened, I feel a lack of boundary, I have nowhere to hide, I have nowhere to run.

 

When I talk to new people or even friends and relatives

Any minute theyre gonna see through my facade, I gotta keep talking.

 

Theyre looking down on me, thinking negatively about me in their mind.

 

They dont really want me around, I have to work hard to keep them around.

 

I feel unworthy of them, smaller.

 

Theyre trying to figure me out, unravel me.

 

I dont belong near them, I feel like an intruder.

 

How this relates to my father:

•I was threatened, I had nowhere to run, it was dangerous, my father is like a stranger to me

•I had to keep up a facade around him

•He does think negatively about me, I am not what he thinks and if he knew who I was he would hate me

•I am unworthy of his love because it is too conditional and too perfect, I will never earn it by being myself

•He did figure ”bad” things out countless times about me and it caused me alot of pain

•I am an intruder, I am a liar, of course I am, I have always been lying

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I am prejudiced

 

against

 

Christians

”I think they are pushy and theydont respect boundaries, they walk up to me and try to pray for me and I cant say no because then they will think Im a sinner or something...”

”I dont like that they are seeking spiritual ecstasy, falling down, rolling on the floor and claiming it to be their own truth and the only truth.”

 

Scientists and rationalists

(Leo has kind of brainwashed me into this one, I didnt dislike scientists before, that one is fully on me though, not Leo haha)

”All scientist buy into the same paradigms, they are hardnosed and cant be debated with kindly.”

 

My own father.

 

”People in the forum that seem like know-it-all’s although I have never even met any of you... Sometimes I just feel like you talk alot of stuff but youre not very nuanced, everything cant be solved with self-inquiry, were all at different levels here.”

 

 

Being prejudiced is quick and easy, I dont have to think too much, its painful to accept that people you dislike might not be so bad after all... 

Im prejudiced to keep myself safe from harm...

”A scientist might try to one-up or call me a woo-woo nutcase and I dont like that... painful.”

”A Christian might try to convert me...”

”A stranger might reject me when I start to feel like were having a good connection, its better to push them away in my mind before that.”

 

Prejudice in another way

I often believe I know what people are thinking Ex. ”Now theyre not responding to me because they dont want to talk to me” etc. etc. this ties in well with jealousy.

 

I dont think I will ever get rid of prejudice 100%

Its just thoughts coming up and I can be mindful of them while realizing that theyre not necessarily true, its when I believe my own prejudices that I get in trouble. I know the mind makes up stories so I can let it go more easily.

 

If I see someone that dresses more snobby than me I might think he and I have nothing in common but Ive been wrong many times now...

All I have to do is talk to the person for a few minutes and realize that what I made up in my mind wasnt true at all, it was just a mechanism to keep us separated.

A good way to kill prejudice is to look into someones eyes, its impossible to not feel a persons soul when youre looking into his/her eyes, it melts you in a microsecond.

 

Im pretty damn prejudiced. 

Thats ok.

Its part of my survival as a human. 

 

 

 

 

 

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I am Disloyal

 

talking shit about one friend with another

 

 

I remember being a teenager, I used to skateboard alot, I had two different crews I hung out with, one was with friends and another was with friends 2 years younger than me. My other friends didnt like my younger friend, (lets call him Phil) dont ask my why, I think they were jealous that I was skateboarding all the time with him instead of hanging out with them, they didnt skate as much as I did, for me it was a burning passion, they were more interested in World of Warcraft. One time while hanging out with my ”not young” friends we were being real goofy and I dont know what lead up to this but I wrote ”Phil sucks dick” on my skateboard just for laughs... yeah... Anyway I didnt think much of it. One day while I was hanging out with Phil he saw something scribbled on my board, 

”Whats that let me see what it says?” 

I had to tried to erase it a bit but it didnt really work 

”Oh nothing” 

”Phil...sucks...” ”Hey!...”

He became really sad and didnt want to talk to me at all. Totally understandable, it was an asshole move and I only did it to win favor with some friends. He kept asking why I did it and tried to tell him it was a bad joke and I was sorry. Too late for that.

 

I can be disloyal. If I have to win favor with someone and become their friend Id gladly gossip about someone else to win connection. Its been part of my family forever, we always talk behind my dads back, still to this day. Is it okay to be disloyal? Thats a value judgement. My ego wants to survive, sometimes I do real nasty things to socially stay above water.

 

Im disloyal. Its a part of me. Im insecure.

 

Disloyal->insecure->fear->socially anxious->no boundaries->pleasing people and losing myself to the extent of emotionally hurting someone else.

Its a real mess when you gossip about one person and then you have to meet them. Emotionally my body knows instantly...Youve been talking shit, what are you gonna say now.

 

Oh one time I almost cheated on my girlfriend but I only held another girls hand and I was drunk so... Lets just talk about that some other time.

 

These 🦊 aint loyal.

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