Rilles

Shadow Journal

197 posts in this topic

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I am BORING.

 

I dont take girls out to clubs or bars, I dont even know where to go, I just tag along when I go out with someone.

 

I dont know much about the extroverted life, I prefer to live a humble existence making music and learning about spirituality-psychology.

 

Im not good at thinking up things to do, youll most likely hear me say “I dunno, you decide” Look... I just want to be with you, we dont have to “fancify” anything. I enjoy your presence.

 

Im not good at small talk, I prefer going deep as soon as possible, so I sometimes end up mannequin-style when people mingle, I dont like a 5 min conversation that goes nowhere.

 

Im not that entertaining. 

Im not that charismatic.

 

Most of my jokes are accidental and on the spot, Im not the type of guy to make everyone gather around and tell them a long story. I just like to hang out and listen. Drop in every once in a while. Why do I have to play the role of the super fun charismatic gentleman? Whos gonna fill my role if not me? If everyone is a loudmouth then all you end up with is noise, you need a listener, an analyzer, like me.

 

I try to be ultra creative with my music but I still feel like its dull and not exciting... What would happen if I just let it be... No need to try to impress... just let myself gently express, no bells and whistles.

 

I used to wish... a long time ago... in my first year of high-school that I was that fun guy... The one with ultra-confidence marching around doing and saying whatever they wanted. Little did I know that they might feel the opposite... ”I just want to chill” ”I dont want to have to act out all the time” 

Maybe not getting attention was painful so they had keep up an act.

I dont know its an interesting way of looking back at it. My teenage mind was very myopic, I didnt realize the many reasons why people might do things. 

 

Im quite boring. Thats fine. I dont need to impress people. I am me for a specific reason. Its okay to be boring. 

 

 

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Interesting insight on the bus

 

Right before I get on the bus I usually amp myself up and get anxious, my senses all focus on what people are thinking of me... What occured to me is how much I exaggerate this... How do I actually know that anyone cares what I do, say or look like? Do I have any evidence for that?

What struck me when I looked around is that everyone is in their own little world, just like me, Im not bothering anyone, they are just sitting there... Minding their business.

Imagine if youre sitting next to a dog and thought ”What is he thinking? Does he like me? What if he runs away? Oh no, should I pet him?” You would think that would be kind of silly, thats what I realized I am like... Very freeing to realize that I dont have to amp myself up so much, people care but not as much as I would like to think, alot less actually. 

 

 

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I am SPOILED.

 

I hate when people call me that. Is it true? Lets see.

 

 

 

I am spoiled by society.

 

 

Society gives me anything I want.

 

All the food is packaged and ready in the store, I dont have to toil like the peasants did for 5000 years before me.

 

The buses and trains take me everywhere, I dont have to walk or ride a horse, a warm thank you to all the cranky busdrivers that have such a terribly boring job, you guys and girls are all amazing.

 

I have education, atleast a decent one, for free, I can write and read, Isnt that amazing? What would life be like if you couldnt read? something to ponder... 

Thank you to all my teachers who got up every morning even when they sometimes didnt want to, through thick and thin, through sleet and snow.

 

Everything around me is someones work, it didnt pop into existence out of nothing, the water in my pipes, the heat in my house... yeah were all pretty much spoiled and we dont even think about it... ever. 

A good exercise is to realize that about every object you pick up.

 

 

 

 

 

Spoiled by my family.

 

 

My father works all night, Its a tough job, horrible for the body, without him I wouldnt have a house, he has sacrificed his health for the family.

My mother cleans and washes my clothes still... I can do it by myself but she wants to do all it together so we dont have to do it twice... either way its really sweet.

She has paid for thousands of things when I didnt have the money to

 

My family has never forced me to get a job, maybe they should have... Eitherway I have had the time to become a great musician because of all time I spent practicing in my always free time.

 

 

 

 

 

Spoiled by nature.

 

 

 

The worms are in the dirt are growing my food

The bees are pollinating my fruit.

The trees are giving me oxygen.

The birds are transporting nutrients everywhere and then shitting it out to grow new stuff.

 

Spoiled by my body.

 

 

 

My blood rushes.

My lungs breathe.

My heart beats.

My thoughts think.

My stomach digests.

My hair grows.

My wounds heal.

My antibodies keep me healthy.

My chemicals keep my happy.

Whats my part in all this again? Oh... 10 minutes of eating... thanks body... love ya.

 

 

 

There are infinite chains that keep me here... would take forever to count them all. Start today.

 

 

 

Im incredibly privileged or spoiled or whatchamacallit...

 

It is good to be privileged.

 

The privileged are the ones who can help the less fortunate

I cant donate money to the poor if I dont have any.

 

 

Its easier to focus on the spiritual work

 

I cant focus on meditation when I have to work 16 hrs a day in a sweatshop.

The higher ups are there to help the ones further down the ladder.

 

 

Cant help where I was born but I can do something with it... or not, it doesnt really matter what I do, the only one choosing to be judged is ME.

 

Im very spoiled, thats okay, privilege is good, I cant help what a little baby I am, but arent we all? Were all sucking on the teets of society, whining when we dont get our way, thats okay, were mother earths babies after all, she loves us.

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I am triggered by Greta Thunberg.

 

Shes not genuine.

Am I? Definitely not.

 

Maybe she is genuine.

I dont feel like she is...

 

She seems cliché

Im terribly afraid of being cliche.

 

She is changing the world. I am not.

 

Someones telling her what to say.

Im not allowed to express myself freely either.

 

Inauthentic.

So am I.

 

 

She is privileged.

I wish I was too.

I wish someone could help me spread my message easily. Im jealous!

 

She didnt earn things on her own.

I wish it was easy. If I knew that she did it all by herself I would like her more.

I dont like laziness. I am lazy and insecure about my own laziness.

 

She is a ploy.

She is being used.

She is being dishonest about her background.

I am dishonest about my background.

I am being used too. I dont have control.

 

I dont like her being around politicians.

I dont trust politicians

I dont trust authority

I wish she was more DIY.

 

 

Everything I dislike about her is just a reflection of myself.

Everything I dislike about someone is just a reflection of myself.

 

Try this for yourself. Who are you triggered by?

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Dream

 

Swam into murky water, as soon as I reached a certain point there was a gigantic snake that chased me back to shore. I tried to convince people on land what I saw in the water but noone really cared. I swam into the water again, the snake came back as usual but then the dream kind of disintegrated... as the snake turned into a giant roller-coaster doing twists and turns up in the air... trippy! 

How I interpret this dream... Im swimming into my own dark past, dont know what monsters I will find there, noone I know is really doing the same, I try to convince them of things but they dont really care.

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Posted (edited)

 

Magical Thinking

 

Note that these may not be archetypical examples of magical thinking but I have no other name for it. 

 

 

These types of thinking are way more pronounced when I’m stressed or depressed. 

 

 

•I believe people know what I’m thinking or who I am before I’ve even introduced myself, I believe people see through me.

Typical of social anxiety. 

 

•I believe everything will turn out okay when my direct experience has proven the opposite. This is a coping mechanism to avoid overwhelming stress and pain. If I can feel like everything is gonna work out I dont have to put as much muscle into preparing for the worst. Its a way to soothe myself. 

 

•I believe something is seeing or watching me even when I’m alone, for example I cant scream out loud when I’m alone in my own house. What if someone hears? What if someone sees? 

 

•I’m still afraid of the dark, I always open my eyes many times before I fall asleep to look at the door of my room in case someone walks in... 

 

•I see the future as more pessismistic than optimistic, I see all the tough situations I will have to go through in life.

 

•I believe if I desire something enough it has to happen. It hasnt happened yet, the only way to make it happen is to work on it, but Im afraid to work, I want someone to save me, noones is gonna save me, Im completely alone.

 

•I believe I’m supposed to be the one who is punished, the scapegoat in life. No matter how happy I become I always end up being punished somehow. Happiness has never lasted long.

 

•I believe someone is guiding me from above, everything is happening for a reason, a spirit guide or some entity helping me.

 

•I believe in signs, One time I saw a sign on the street that said Enlightenment in October, there was none of that. I just wanted to soothe myself with wishful thinking. 

 

I have no evidence for any of the above. These are just thought-patterns and feelings I have, ways I’ve learned to cope with pain.

I was always protected and soothed as a child by my mother and brothers. All of a sudden I grew up, now Im alone, I have to pull the desire of being saved out of my body. Its a painful surgery, and the tendrils of saviour thinking are nestled into every core of my being. A girlfriend will save me, a music career will save me, a job will save me, my brother will save me, some random person will save me. No... I have to save myself. 

Edited by Rilles

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I remember Social Anxiety happening to me one day out of the blue... When I became a teenager. Before that I wasnt self-conscious, I flowed freely... Was happy as myself with my friends, I even had girlfriends that fought for my attention in 4th grade Lmao. 

I wonder if my anxiety was latent... hidden deep, waiting to pop up at the same time as my hormones. 

Gonna keep digging. I want to get to the bottom. Even if its painful. 

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2 minutes ago, Rilles said:

I remember Social Anxiety happening to me one day out of the blue... When I became a teenager. Before that I wasnt self-conscious, I flowed freely... Was happy as myself with my friends, I even had girlfriends that fought for my attention in 4th grade Lmao. 

I wonder if my anxiety was latent... hidden deep, waiting to pop up at the same time as my hormones. 

Gonna keep digging. I want to get to the bottom. Even if its painful. 

like all of a sudden you start seeing things in a new light but you don't wish to accept them so you start to create resistance for yourself in the form of social anxiety, shyness, ignorance, beliefs etc 

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1 minute ago, DrewNows said:

like all of a sudden you start seeing things in a new light but you don't wish to accept them so you start to create resistance for yourself in the form of social anxiety, shyness, ignorance, beliefs etc 

Hm... not really... More like... all of a sudden there was this feeling... I felt softer... I felt more fragile... I had to be more careful around people... It was very visceral and not much mental... That happened later gradually

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5 minutes ago, Rilles said:

Hm... not really... More like... all of a sudden there was this feeling... I felt softer... I felt more fragile... I had to be more careful around people... It was very visceral and not much mental... That happened later gradually

oh you're right, i went in denial very quickly in my earlier adolescence...had no knowledge of anxiety but was super quiet around adults. 

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6 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

oh you're right, i went in denial very quickly in my earlier adolescence...had no knowledge of anxiety but was super quiet around adults. 

It happened gradually... First it was my peers. Then I started feeling anxious about some of my brothers... And then it just snowballed into anyone that I wasnt 100% open with. If I can let my guard down... then Im calm. 

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🧺

Childhood Trauma?

3 Months to 2 Years Old

 

When I was a 3 month old baby I became sick with an Inguinal Hernia. I had been laying in the baby-carriage crying all day. My mother tried to change my diaper and I screamed unlike anything she had ever heard. She rushed me to the hospital where she met a doctor that was new to his job... The doctor insisted that we try to poke! the hernia! back into place! There was a bulge he kept poking as I was held against my will. Now...Imagine someone pushing a knife into your stomach and twisting it and you can imagine what it feels like, while youre being held down... against your will... Eventually this idiot of a doctor stopped when another man came in... took one look and said... This baby needs surgery... now! I had my surgery and was sick with high fevers... for 1 and a 1/2 year... had to eat penicillin... still remember the taste... thats all I remember from the experience... Tasted like medicinal banana... Yum! Anyway, I guess that experienced might have made me really scared... and scarred. I didnt even know about it until my mom told me. Except for the scar... Im looking at right now. 

I wonder if I can fish this experience up from my subconscious through some technique... Do I really want to though...?

 

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Posted (edited)

Your thoughts about reality literally change what reality is to you!

This is extremely vital to know if youre feeling depressed or suicidal. If youre thinking that reality is:

•Hopeless

•Dark

•Meaningless

•Youre a victim

•People are cruel

etc.

Then that is what you will see. Everytime you think something negative and you absolute ”know” that to be true, be wary, analyze that belief to death. 

Edited by Rilles

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Posted (edited)

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

 

 

I am Aimless 

I am Apathetic 

I have commited Passive Suicide.

 

Walking around in my neighbourhood I walk past people and think

”Oh god here I go again” ”I wonder what they think of me” ”Shouldnt I be doing something”

”Everyone my age have moved Im still here”

 

 

There is an interesting term called ”passive suicide” I think it fits me pretty well...

I have considered suicide so many times as a worst case scenario escape plan... What happens when I dont deal with those feelings and just scrape them under rug is called... passive suicide.

It goes a little something like 

”Oh nothing matters anyway because if it gets worse I can just end it...” 

”Not gonna be here for long so I dont have to put in effort anyway”

”Oh I can do drugs because it doesnt matter if I die anyway” etc. etc.

 

 

 

It takes alot for me to drag myself up

I still have alot of subconscious victim mentality left in me... feel like Im being judged, like I dont deserve a good life, everyone else will get what they want but not me, I fucked up a long time ago, no way to fix that. Its not true of course but there is that feeling of emotional tiredness always in my body... I drag myself around... I have to use extra effort to do things that others would find simple... I guess.

 

I do want the best life possible but the effort is so huge and my self esteem is so low.

How do I keep it going?

I want to fortify myself and not let any puff of wind blow me down.

 

 

As soon as I graduated college I thought ”Oh good now I can chill... big mistake... I should have put in huge effort to get out of my home... I dont know what I was thinking” Just want to rest... I dont know from what exactly... 

 

I hate when people call me aimless

There is so much more to it than just being lazy... there is the emotional weight... 

the tentacles from my parents... 

the negative draining comments... 

the lack of emotional support... 

the social anxiety of dealing with work and looking for apartments and so on

the weak emotional system

the negative beliefs

 

 

 

I hate the image of myself as a loafer

but in a sense I am and in a sense I am not... I do work for my own future but I also unconsciously ignore alot of things that need to be done...

 

I thought there was time to rest... but there isnt... life is too short... I wish I could lull away in some drug induced sleep but thats not gonna work... I have to push myself up, climb the ladder, there is stuff so much stuff to do. Fun stuff! A world of opportunity!

 

My father doesnt care if I get a job, hes been telling me for years that I shouldnt worry... big mistake... he just wants me to stay here in his claws, case in point ,dont take his advice, his advice is about his own emotions and not mine. 

 

There is a vicious circle that goes like:

 

Im to scared to engage in society -> 

Too comfortable at home ->

Bad things happen at home ->

Want to engage in society ->

Things calm down at home ->

Stop wanting to engage in society ->

 

and so it goes...

 

But now I made a list of positive motivation so I dont have to wait for anything bad to happen to take action.

 

 

I am passive because Im afraid... Im drained... Im tired... No emotional support... Its easier to just give up...

I have to put in the extra effort... Self-Love to 150%! I can do it! I believe in myself! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Love love love love looove love love loooove love love love loooooove❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥🔥❤️❤️🔥🔥❤️🔥❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Edited by Rilles

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Posted (edited)

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

 

I make mistakes.

 

 

First day at my new job today, felt really anxious, almost scared. Im terrified of making mistakes, I want to get everything right the first time, no matter if thats conceivable or not, of course its not, but my subconscious doesnt believe that. 

 

Failing is so scary, If I show myself as less than perfect everyone will look down on me. Had many thoughts come up that I was semi-conscious of like ”The supervisor is asking how its going, he is probably checking to make sure I dont fuck up, Ive been too slow, theyre coming around to prompt me to work harder”. No evidence that any of that was true, they were probably just asking if I needed assistance, just to be nice. 

 

Im always reading into peoples faces, trying to gauge them, Im not even aware of how often I do it, all the time, semi-consciously. Its not that Im afraid of making mistakes because it would bother me directly, Its only because I fear judgement, judgement leads to dislike, dislike can lead to getting fired, but thats not the worst, the worst part is me not living up to my image, the image of someone whos not a total fuck-up. 

 

As you can probably guess since Ive been doing this journal for two months now, failure was not acceptable in my home when I was small, failure led to anger, anger is terrifying. It feels like the whole world is turning upside down, confusion, fear, lost, almost surreal in how it feels. 

 

The supervisors were really helpful, every question I asked was thoroughly answered. I thought I would be completely abandoned, left to my own devices. That wasnt what happened, why would they let me do that anyway, they want their personell to learn dont they. But thats how I learned in childhood, there would be no letting up until I understood, you sat there beside me in vicious anger while I sat there in terror trying to form a coherent thought. Who else wouldve taught me what the world is like? Its just that now I terrorize myself, with inner fears. 

 

 

Im thankful for the lovely coworkers and supervisors at my new job, I will do my best and ask for help when I need it, I will try not to distrust or fear the worst in the future.

 

I will make mistakes, I can mend them, Im not a bad person because I make mistakes. Even If I am a bad person thats okay. I just want to live life and be happy, judging myself harshly wont make that easier. More self-love, more allowing.

 

Its okay to make mistakes. ❤️

Edited by Rilles

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okay, I basically have come to the conclusion after some study that I grew up with a narcissistic parent...

what the fuck do I do now...

will I ever be ”cured” of the consequences of that?

Sigh... depressing

 

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I forgive myself for being embarrassed.

I allow myself to be embarrassed.

 

I forgive myself for being akward.

I allow myself to be akward.

 

I forgive myself for being nervous.

I allow myself to be nervous.

 

I forgive myself for being imperfect.

I allow myself to be imperfect.

 

I forgive myself for disliking work.

I allow myself to dislike work.

 

I forgive myself for feeling tired.

I allow myself to feel tired.

 

I forgive myself for being angry.

I allow myself to be angry.

 

I forgive myself for being selfish.

I allow myself to be selfish.

 

I forgive myself for being racist.

I allow myself to be racist.

 

I forgive myself for being weird.

I allow myself to be weird.

 

I forgive myself for being quiet.

I allow myself to be quiet.

 

I forgive myself for being lazy.

I allow myself to be lazy.

 

I forgive myself for being absent-minded.

I allow myself to be absent-minded.

 

I forgive myself for being secretive.

I allow myself to be secretive.

 

I forgive myself for being scared of conflict.

I allow myself to be scared of conflict.

 

I forgive myself for being skinny.

I allow myself to be skinny.

 

I forgive myself for being disappointing.

I allow myself to disappoint.

 

I forgive myself for being a loser.

I allow myself to be a loser.

 

I forgive myself for being attracted.

I allow myself to be attracted.

 

I forgive myself for being stupid

I allow myself to be stupid.

 

I forgive myself for being jealous

I allow myself to be jealous.

 

I forgive myself for not asking for help.

I allow myself to not ask for help.

 

I forgive myself for being flakey.

I allow myself to be flakey.

 

I forgive myself for being timid.

I allow myself to be timid.

 

I forgive myself for being an intruder.

I allow myself to be an intruder.

 

I forgive myself for being prejudiced.

I allow myself to be prejudiced.

 

I forgive myself for being disloyal.

I allow myself to be disloyal.

 

I forgive myself for being boring.

I allow myself to be boring.

 

I forgive myself for being spoiled.

I allow myself to be spoiled.

 

I forgive myself for thinking magical.

I allow myself to think magical.

 

I forgive myself for being aimless.

I allow myself to be aimless.

I forgive myself for being suicidal.

I allow myself to be suicidal.

 

I forgive myself for making mistakes.

I allow myself to make mistakes.

 

I forgive myself for feeling ashamed.

 

I allow all the parts I’ve neglected and pushed away to be reintegrated.

I am all that.

 

End of Shadow Journal pt. 1

 

🖤

 

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