Messed up because of scarcity

[Eminent11]

Hey guys, 

I met a girl and i felt we have a great connection, we just met 3 times but we kissed made out and had very deep conversations but after the 3. Date i was getting really scared of rejection and that she isn't really into me. She didn't reply for hours sometimes and i felt there are some indicators she could be still into her ex. 

I backed off because i didn't wanna get hurt and i had bad experience before with other girls. I didn't tell her i am scared. 

My last message was 2 weeks ago i wrote her i am sorry because i was blaming her before that she isn't showing enough interest. And that i am confused and that it takes longer then i expected after i just broke up and that i need to take time for myself now. 

She didn't answer to that. 

I thought i should possibly be honest and let her know i was scared to get hurt, because i didn't know where she is at with her feelings and interest towards me. 

Edited May 21, 2019 by Eminent11

[Good-boy]

She is long gone bro and you just need to find another girl and bang the shit out of her. ?

[SFRL]

On 5/20/2019 at 7:58 PM, Eminent11 said:

Hey guys, 

I met a girl and i felt we have a great connection, we just met 3 times but we kissed made out and had very deep conversations but after the 3. Date i was getting really scared of rejection and that she isn't really into me. She didn't reply for hours sometimes and i felt there are some indicators she could be still into her ex. 

I backed off because i didn't wanna get hurt and i had bad experience before with other girls. I didn't tell her i am scared. 

My last message was 2 weeks ago i wrote her i am sorry because i was blaming her before that she isn't showing enough interest. And that i am confused and that it takes longer then i expected after i just broke up and that i need to take time for myself now. 

She didn't answer to that. 

I thought i should possibly be honest and let her know i was scared to get hurt, because i didn't know where she is at with her feelings and interest towards me. 

You lost frame. 

You got to stay cool, calm, and collected, especially in the beginning stages. Like the first 3 months. You can't be using words like "scared" and "fear" when you communicate with her at that stage of getting to know her. That's more for when you are in s deep relationship. And even then don't overdo it. That's her department. 

Also in the beginning there always is/are  always one or more dudes in the picture. To lesser or more serious degree. How serious, you got no control over that in the beginning. So you got to almost act like that ain't going on. 

Over time you got to act like "there is only room for two, I have been making less room for you". Like that old Ja Rule and Jennifer Lopez song. You slowly work them out of the picture by being the better guy. 

The song describes it pretty well that dynamic. 

The girl just wants to have fun, but most guys get way insecure in the beginning and don't hold frame, and fuck it up. 

The girl being insecure herself and is looking for some comfort in the big mean mean world. You got to show your little brat you are her daddy ?

Daddy doesn't get bend out of shape when she is being a little brat.

*I have been there myself. It takes time and practice. You probably won't master it until you have dealt with that dynamic several times.

Edited May 22, 2019 by SFRL

[Eminent11]

On 22/05/2019 at 11:28 AM, SFRL said:

You lost frame. 

You got to stay cool, calm, and collected, especially in the beginning stages. Like the first 3 months. You can't be using words like "scared" and "fear" when you communicate with her at that stage of getting to know her. That's more for when you are in s deep relationship. And even then don't overdo it. That's her department. 

Also in the beginning there always is/are  always one or more dudes in the picture. To lesser or more serious degree. How serious, you got no control over that in the beginning. So you got to almost act like that ain't going on. 

Over time you got to act like "there is only room for two, I have been making less room for you". Like that old Ja Rule and Jennifer Lopez song. You slowly work them out of the picture by being the better guy. 

The song describes it pretty well that dynamic. 

The girl just wants to have fun, but most guys get way insecure in the beginning and don't hold frame, and fuck it up. 

The girl being insecure herself and is looking for some comfort in the big mean mean world. You got to show your little brat you are her daddy ?

Daddy doesn't get bend out of shape when she is being a little brat.

*I have been there myself. It takes time and practice. You probably won't master it until you have dealt with that dynamic several times.

Wow, thanks for your detailed reply. 

You are right I acted from a place of scarcity. I didn't use the words fear and scared or didn't tell her that i feel that way. I did pickup a long time a go. I was and I am still pretty successful in picking up even good looking girls, but when i feel there is a great connection to one of them. I start to get needy and scared. My dad rejected me and made me feel worthless my entire life. I got a trauma that i took with me into all intimate relationships when i felt i met the right girl. 

I didn't tell her about all that. I said just i have to sort out myself because i just broke up and it's not the right time to meet someone and that we possibly can start in the future from zero. 

But first i really have to get rid off the toxic memories, Patterns, thoughts and emotions which are holding me back to open up. That is stuck in me now around then years already. 

[Leo Gura]

Sounds like your neediness spooked her away. Or she just wasn't that into you. Sometimes a girl will lose attraction for you after the first date because she doesn't quite resonate with your style.

But if you did 3 whole dates and made out a bunch of times, clearly she was into it. A girl will not make out with you unless she is interested in sleeping with you.

In fact, my rule of thumb is, if a girl is willing to go on a first date with you at all, she's already accepted that you are fuckable. She would never agree to go on a date with a guy she thought was unfuckable.

So ALWAYS assume it's ON at day 1! Never doubt whether she wants to sleep with you. Always assume YES! Just maybe not on the first date. But by date 3 you should definitely close it. Of course if she tells you No! then you stop.

If a girl is into you she responda to texts quickly and eagerly. Often within minutes. Days between texts is a horrible sign. 3 day+ between texts and she might as well be dead.

Girls will NEVER reject a guy explicitly. They will always just delay and ignore or come up with lame excuses. You have to get good at reading between the lines and suss out when she is wasting your time with endless delay tactics.

[SFRL]

7 hours ago, Eminent11 said:

Wow, thanks for your detailed reply. 

You are right I acted from a place of scarcity. I didn't use the words fear and scared or didn't tell her that i feel that way. I did pickup a long time a go. I was and I am still pretty successful in picking up even good looking girls, but when i feel there is a great connection to one of them. I start to get needy and scared. My dad rejected me and made me feel worthless my entire life. I got a trauma that i took with me into all intimate relationships when i felt i met the right girl. 

I didn't tell her about all that. I said just i have to sort out myself because i just broke up and it's not the right time to meet someone and that we possibly can start in the future from zero. 

But first i really have to get rid off the toxic memories, Patterns, thoughts and emotions which are holding me back to open up. That is stuck in me now around then years already. 

I forget to mention. 

When there are more guys in the picture and things are moving slow think of this: 

Most guys will be fucking up. They get needy. So when there is you and let's say two other guys in the picture, your first response is "I got to move fast before they got a chance". 

But, when they get the chance they will more likely then not fuck up. Meanwhile you do everything right, more importantly you are not fucking anything up. 

That way you give those other guys time to make mistakes. You got to give them enough rope to hang themselves.

Then you will be the last one standing. And you will look much better in comparison. 

Edited May 23, 2019 by SFRL

[Devi Shanti]

Where did you take from this rules about girls' behavior, @Leo Gura? Just curiosity...

Sometimes I feel like I am not a girl when you are so sure about these affirmations

[flowboy]

On 5/23/2019 at 8:12 AM, Eminent11 said:

My dad rejected me and made me feel worthless my entire life. I got a trauma that i took with me into all intimate relationships when i felt i met the right girl. 

 

On 5/23/2019 at 8:12 AM, Eminent11 said:

But first i really have to get rid off the toxic memories, Patterns, thoughts and emotions which are holding me back to open up. That is stuck in me now around then years already. 

What's your plan for that?

Primal wounds seem like a secondary problem, while actually they run your entire life in many ways.

Don't worry about the girl. Heal your trauma! Problems like this will evaporate and seem so silly.

[Eminent11]

13 hours ago, flowboy said:

 

What's your plan for that?

Primal wounds seem like a secondary problem, while actually they run your entire life in many ways.

Don't worry about the girl. Heal your trauma! Problems like this will evaporate and seem so silly.

@flowboy

 

Yeah i definetely wanna focus on my trauma and the toxic thought patterns i carry with me. I do meditation, yoga, journaling, now specifically i started with daily affirmations and visualisation to recondition my emotions and thoughts about these past traumas which are holding me back. I also do a lot of sport, running, gym and swimming to increase my pain limit and callous my mind and body. 

I also looked for books woth other methods for healing ptsd. 

The girl is definetely not the most important thing right now, it wouldn't make sense anyway till i fixed that stuff, because the same damaging patterns would come up. Later on i can still think about getting in touch with her. It's definetely not the right time yet. 

Edited May 28, 2019 by Eminent11

[flowboy]

@Eminent11  Sounds like you're doing quite a lot of work on that, good on you!

I'm zooming in on that because I recently had an experience of healing some early trauma, and I was really stunned to how much it had been controlling me. You don't miss it till it's gone. Suddenly I have hardly any worries or neurotic thoughts when I'm on a date. Or with friends, for that matter! So because of that, suddenly my eyes are opened to the possibility that most self-esteem problems and trouble in dating may be directly linked to trauma from younger years.

I just came back from a week of Primal Childhood Deconditioning and I feel reborn.

If you are willing to invest in the cost of a workshop and a LOT of physical and emotional energy in working through your childhood/adolescent trauma, then you can feel almost like it never happened, in a week of hard work and many, many, MANY emotional purges.

It's been absolutely lifechanging for me. I really have no words.

It's like trying to explain psychedelics to a person who's never been in an altered state. Except that psychedelics are NOTHING compared to how meaningful and deeply healing this week has been for me.

If it could help you, I wouldn't want you to miss out.

I went there because I felt "held back", like I was pushing really hard to be more social, have a better dating life, and face my nervousness around public speaking, and all these things, but I still was feeling like I didn't 'deserve' to be doing that well, and was destined to keep backsliding. Like my superego, deep inside me was certain that I was supposed to be a neurotic person, not the awesome version of myself that I envisioned.

It's still very fresh and the dust hasn't settled yet, but I can already feel some profound changes. Neurotic thought patterns have diminished with 70%. I actually smile at strangers, wish them a good day, and mean it, from my heart. I have so much more trust in life. I used to distrust other men, viewed them as competition. Now I feel brotherhood. I feel reborn, like I had a whole new, perfect childhood with many naturally occurring friendships. And most importantly, the brakes are off. I have no doubts that I can get where I want now. And that I deserve that. And I feel very distant from the version of me that I used to be.

Something I found: self-esteem issues, anxiety, and addictive tendencies and the like have a cause. They started somewhere. Because small children aren't actually like that naturally. They trust life. They run up to children and ask them to play, without fear of rejection. But between age 0 to 7 you can pick up a lot of negative vibes and messages, both said and unsaid, from your environment, that just stick there in your unconscious, without ever being noticed, and fuck you over for the rest of your life unless you go back to them and process them properly.

I really have no words to convey how deep this process goes, except that I've gone pretty deep with psychedelics before and that's nothing compared to how meaningful and transformative this felt.

The therapist, Puja, who leads it is such a loving and skilled person, she's awesome.

If you're interested, I'm talking about the Primal Deconditioning Intensive at www.pujalepp.com . People I did the workshop with flew in all the way from the States, even Ireland. Expensive but so, so worth it. The next retreat date is somewhere in the fall, I believe.

 

If you decide to go for it, PM me and let me know what it brought you? I'd be sooo curious...

 

Edited May 28, 2019 by flowboy

[Eminent11]

On 28/05/2019 at 4:45 PM, flowboy said:

@Eminent11  Sounds like you're doing quite a lot of work on that, good on you!

I'm zooming in on that because I recently had an experience of healing some early trauma, and I was really stunned to how much it had been controlling me. You don't miss it till it's gone. Suddenly I have hardly any worries or neurotic thoughts when I'm on a date. Or with friends, for that matter! So because of that, suddenly my eyes are opened to the possibility that most self-esteem problems and trouble in dating may be directly linked to trauma from younger years.

I just came back from a week of Primal Childhood Deconditioning and I feel reborn.

If you are willing to invest in the cost of a workshop and a LOT of physical and emotional energy in working through your childhood/adolescent trauma, then you can feel almost like it never happened, in a week of hard work and many, many, MANY emotional purges.

It's been absolutely lifechanging for me. I really have no words.

It's like trying to explain psychedelics to a person who's never been in an altered state. Except that psychedelics are NOTHING compared to how meaningful and deeply healing this week has been for me.

If it could help you, I wouldn't want you to miss out.

I went there because I felt "held back", like I was pushing really hard to be more social, have a better dating life, and face my nervousness around public speaking, and all these things, but I still was feeling like I didn't 'deserve' to be doing that well, and was destined to keep backsliding. Like my superego, deep inside me was certain that I was supposed to be a neurotic person, not the awesome version of myself that I envisioned.

It's still very fresh and the dust hasn't settled yet, but I can already feel some profound changes. Neurotic thought patterns have diminished with 70%. I actually smile at strangers, wish them a good day, and mean it, from my heart. I have so much more trust in life. I used to distrust other men, viewed them as competition. Now I feel brotherhood. I feel reborn, like I had a whole new, perfect childhood with many naturally occurring friendships. And most importantly, the brakes are off. I have no doubts that I can get where I want now. And that I deserve that. And I feel very distant from the version of me that I used to be.

Something I found: self-esteem issues, anxiety, and addictive tendencies and the like have a cause. They started somewhere. Because small children aren't actually like that naturally. They trust life. They run up to children and ask them to play, without fear of rejection. But between age 0 to 7 you can pick up a lot of negative vibes and messages, both said and unsaid, from your environment, that just stick there in your unconscious, without ever being noticed, and fuck you over for the rest of your life unless you go back to them and process them properly.

I really have no words to convey how deep this process goes, except that I've gone pretty deep with psychedelics before and that's nothing compared to how meaningful and transformative this felt.

The therapist, Puja, who leads it is such a loving and skilled person, she's awesome.

If you're interested, I'm talking about the Primal Deconditioning Intensive at www.pujalepp.com . People I did the workshop with flew in all the way from the States, even Ireland. Expensive but so, so worth it. The next retreat date is somewhere in the fall, I believe.

 

If you decide to go for it, PM me and let me know what it brought you? I'd be sooo curious...

 

Hey buddy thanks for your message. 

It sounds really interesting, i couldn't really afford that right now. I try to work on my issues for a while with techniques and books i can find. 

I will also work on my selfdevelopment in general and see how i feel in a few months. 

[CreamCat]

You gave up your power by becoming needy. Solve your neediness first.