Timothy

First Existential Trip Report - Reached Eternal Insanity - Please Help

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Posted (edited)

I'm very sensitive to cannabis. I can feel 1mg of CBD very noticeably. Ever since cannabis became legal here in Canada I knew to avoid high THC strains which I have. I have strong anxiety in general and also lots of fear towards psychedelics which I've never taken. I've been only using CBD dominant strains so my trips have been not hard on the mind at all.

Until one night, last month, out of the blue outside of the bar, my friend came straight up to my face after taking a fat rip out of his THC vape pen and blew it all in my face. I inhaled the whole thing. I was already on my CBD dominant substance, but this gave me a head high that I've never felt before. 

I was very in my head. Contemplating things. It was amazing at first, but it went too deep.

First Insight: I already know everything, I just hide it from myself. This one was fascinating to me. Everything in terms of mind stuff, traumas, fears, memories, deepest sense of self etc.

Second Insight: I can face anything with love. this one was nice, but still I'm not sure what love even is. 

I was pacing my friends apartment contempalting for about 45 minutes as he was passed out drunk on the floor. 

I then realized I was God at my deepest sense of self and was quivering with terror. I remember saying- "I saw it, I saw it, I saw it" I was horrified and I feel I saw too much. I saw past this barrier that I knew was there but never wanted to look past. 

Anyway, I reached this horrifying point. I knew everything was me and I became very scared and desperate. It literally felt like I reached the end of my life and was about to go permanently insane and just halucinance forever. Fuck man this was horrifying. I still vaguely remember that feeling of really honestly thinking that I was just about to leave this world and go insane forever. Anyway, I chose not to go into it. I backed away. I calmed myself down and eventually the head high went away. But the afterglow took more than a week to go away. I went to the hospital just to ground myself and talk to someone, as my friend was not able to help me. 

What was worse was the entire week after. I had so much anxiety. I felt like I was on the brink of total awakening and insanity for the entire week and for the first time thought that I might have to kill myself at some point cause this is all too intense. It was bad. 

I'm better now, but still very scared. I can keep calm, but I'm very scared to awaken. It feels like I'm going to leave this world forever if I do. And I really want to emphasize this. It really feels like that will be the end, and it's a very heartbreaking feeling. 

Please I come here for support and love, and ask for anyone who has undergone anything similar to share and provide support. I also ask for anyone who has actually fully went all the way into this insanity and awakening to share anything that might help me.

It was really scary. I actually understood what insanity meant which blew my mind. I also had a vision of seeing myself being a lost soul in a mental hospital for the rest of my life. I still hold that as a possibility. 

I also want to emphasize that I'm very very scared that all of reality is just an illusion and I'm the only thing that exists and forever alone. I'm also scared that if I go all the way into this truth that it will be permanent and I will become beyond heartbroken for eternity. 

But yea I don't think I can face these things. I don't trust myself to surrender all the way into these things. I mean what could fucking be worse than eternal insanity and hallucinating??? Very very heartbreaking. This is all just too much. Anyway thanks for reading and I hope some of you can help me.

 

 

Edited by Timothy

"Yesterday's truth is today's bullshit. Even yesterday's liberating insight is today's jail of stale explanation." - Brad Blanton

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Relax. Get rid of that ego. There are your problems. 

Don' focus all your energies in understanding and on thr cherry on top of the cake, otherwise...

There is no horrible point, is your ego dissolving and you don't want to apparently.

The let go thing is really let go on yourself, accept death and just breathe no matter what.

This flashy insights you have ae just that, flashy perspective from a very limited pont of view.


... 7 rabbits will live forever.                                                                                                                                                                                                  

 

 

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I have went through something similar but it wasn't substance induced. You seemed to be trapped in some sort of solipsistic state which can be extremely frightening. I went through this after watching the what is god video which Leo posted a few months ago. Nonduality sounds a lot like solipsism but it isn't. It is very paradoxical and can not be understood by the mind. You are not alone.


"The narcissist becomes one with everything, because the narcissist is everything and everything is the narcissist" -Sam Vaknin

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Wait is it possible to awaken and realize god with cannabis.

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Yeah, I've been there. Realizing God can be freaky. Realizing all humans are your own imagination can be quite freaky too.

The problem is you need a solid theoretical foundation in nonduality to help make sense of this stuff. Otherwise you'll feel extra lost.

I recommend you study some nonduality books. See my book list for dozens of great ones. That's what helps me ground my trips the most.

Of course everything you saw was true:

  • You are God
  • You are all alone
  • All people are your own creation
  • Society is a lie
  • Reality is a lie
  • There is nothing but hallucination, and it goes on forever
  • There is no difference between sanity and insanity

 

3 hours ago, Timothy said:

I mean what could fucking be worse than eternal insanity and hallucinating??? Very very heartbreaking.

Haha! You've got it precisely backwards! What could be BETTER than an eternal hallucination? It's heartbreaking in the truest sense: it's so Good and Beautiful that the Love of it breaks your heart.

Death by Truth. Death by Love.

What you saw is just the tip of the iceberg. There just isn't any physical world. There is only whatever you (as God) choose to hallucinate. You're hallucinating this forum post right now. And it's great! How else could anything exist as anything other than a hallucination? You are me and I am you. The circle is complete.

Your only problem is that you lack theoretical foundation to properly ground and interpret your realizations. And this was also your first time. The first few times are freaky, then you get used to it and enjoy it. Also what you're missing is the infinite Goodness and Love of God. Your ego as taken these insights into a negative direction. That is a distortion of the Truth.

So give yourself some time to heal and integrate these insights. Then come back for more to really understand. You've only had a tiny glimpse so far. Not enough to fully understand what you saw. Many more trips are required.

Truth is a radical thing. It's an acquired taste.

YES! I've felt that insanity you hit upon. That's some freaky shit. Shows you the power of God's Infinite Mind. But also great after the fact! Sanity is overrated. :)

Of course you can face these things. It's merely the Truth. And nothing could be more beautiful or lovely. Just understand that your ego-mind badly distorted what you saw. It corrupted the Truth with its own petty judgments. So your negative reactions are not truthful.

You're right. It's way too much. It's Infinite!


"Be melting snow. Wash yourself of yourself." -- Rumi

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This weekend I have had an Insane trip with Cannabis Tea. It was too much at some I thought I would never be the same. I was freaking out. Waking up on Sunday was such a blessing ! Be careful with "Edibles" they are super strong ! 

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@Ayilton Cannabis is addictive my friend. Stay away from them.


"It’s a good one, it just isn’t real.” — Byron Katie

 

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4 hours ago, Peo said:

Wait is it possible to awaken and realize god with cannabis.

of course 


holy-war - "I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty". 

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4 hours ago, Peo said:

Wait is it possible to awaken and realize god with cannabis.

It is possible by eating ice cream and farting as well.

Enlightened masters are recorded to eat ice cream and fart from time to time. So definitely a valid way 😂


''Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather''

- Bill Hicks

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Posted (edited)

4 hours ago, Leo Gura said:
  • Society is a lie
  • Reality is a lie

huge trap here. there is no lie. every "person" is the source of Reality itself, meaning that we're all the same source of reality. we gotta be careful with the words because "lie" can be understood as if the experiences of "others" were somewhat unworthy, which is clearly not the case. if you mean to say that the delimitation of a "person" is imaginary, it has a completely different impact on vulnerable minds.

@Timothy you're doing great but don't go ahead of yourself. build at least a solid year of meditation or your breakthroughs will feel too uncomfortable and the integration will take longer. a steady and slow pace is far more efficient.

Edited by ajasatya

unborn Truth

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@Timothy You got a good look at a much more expansive conscious state. Trying to condense that enormity into one’s mind can be overwhelming, scary, freaky, beyond amazing. . . In other words, too much too fast. Your mind-body is telling you it needs to slow down, integrate and get grounded. I would try to relax all the thought stories that are arising and listen to the body. It’s telling you it’s too much and slow down. Spend some time in nature. Observe a stream flowing. Do some yoga. Listen to a gentle nonduality speaker. Do some artwork. If your body is up for it, get curious and contemplate - begin to integrate the direct experience and embody it. Or take a break for a bit. You will feel a “calling” if your mind and body wants and is ready to dig deeper. 

It is completely natural to feel unsettling to the mind and body. In terms of awakening, the good news is that you got a good look at “the ox”. That is golden. People spend years and years trying to get that good look and relatively few people do. Yet it can be scary and unsettling to the person. It’s also liberating and expansive .

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5 hours ago, Shaun said:

I have went through something similar but it wasn't substance induced. You seemed to be trapped in some sort of solipsistic state which can be extremely frightening. I went through this after watching the what is god video which Leo posted a few months ago. Nonduality sounds a lot like solipsism but it isn't. It is very paradoxical and can not be understood by the mind. You are not alone.

Happy to hear that 😇❤️

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5 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

huge trap here. there is no lie. every "person" is the source of Reality itself, meaning that we're all the same source of reality.

@Timothy

Yes everything is source of Reality itself. Shared Being Shared God. But in Absolute sense all there is, is this One Infinite Love/Consciousness. 

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6 hours ago, Shaun said:

You seemed to be trapped in some sort of solipsistic state which can be extremely frightening. I went through this after watching the what is god video which Leo posted a few months ago. Nonduality sounds a lot like solipsism but it isn't. It is very paradoxical and can not be understood by the mind. You are not alone.

Solipsism is only one contextualization of the mind. Based on your own self description, solipsism has been a primary filter of your mind that you are working through. Be aware of projecting that filter onto other minds that are in a unstable, vulnerable state. That portrayal can stick and cause harm in some cases. 

I know you mean well here, are reaching out and trying to help. We just need to be careful about projecting our own filters onto another mind that is in an unstable, vulnerable space looking for grounding. Such a mind can be very impressionable and grasp at things for grounding. 

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59 minutes ago, Preetom said:

It is possible by eating ice cream

Ok i will eat some ice cream and see what happens. 

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@Timothy There’s not a thing wrong with you and reality. Acknowledge, take responsibility & ownership - that you are thinking negatively, and believing those negative thoughts. 

It is Love which is aware of thinking. So the fear of “losing your mind”, is actually - from the perspective of having forgotten who you really are - the fear of infinite Love. 

Insanity is being the infinite love that you actually are - without negative thinking. The world is so afraid, they’ve convinced you - you’ve convinced yourself by believing them - that “insanity” is bad, and “sanity” is good. YOU, are the awareness of this duality of insanity or sanity, good or bad. You are the awareness of your own thinking. You are aware of what thought feels good, and what thoughts feel bad. Don’t pretend you can entertain & believe in the thoughts that feel bad to you, and somehow you’ll feel good. Recognize when a thought or perspective feels bad - AND LET IT GO. 

When you are stubborn, resistant, and refuse to LET GO of what is making you feel bad - that - is ego. THAT is truly an insane thing to do. 


  Nonduality & Meditations         

Empty your head, fulfill your heart       

 

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9 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

 

  • You are God
  • You are all alone
  • All people are your own creation
  • Society is a lie
  • Reality is a lie
  • There is nothing but hallucination, and it goes on forever
  • There is no difference between sanity and insanity

Are you conscious of all of this on a moment to moment basis? My walls are back up to all of this so that's why I dont freak out. But my walls are now fragile and just thinking about all of this in the righ way can open them back up again. 

Here's the scary part for me: it feels as though if I go into these things I will be awake forever. I've read a lot that people glimpse it and come back down and struggle to go back. For me I'm sincerely scared that if I go into these things I will permentely wake up and never be the same again. Please be gentle with me here because I really don't want to face this. Is this how it feels for everyone? 

And please help me with this one here: I remember sitting in the hospital bed after the trip and I was sitting there and all of a sudden I got this feeling that I could just end this hallucination and move onto something else if I wanted to. This freaked me right out. Have you been able to do this? Just end your own experience and choose something else? Cause it really felt like I could have done that and I was very scared. And if so, why don't you choose to just leave and experience something else completely?


"Yesterday's truth is today's bullshit. Even yesterday's liberating insight is today's jail of stale explanation." - Brad Blanton

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Why yes?When you will be ready , you will be ready, I would suggest for you to take a step back and explore what is ego and what is you, what is thought,get used to being and learn why it is as it is. 

Mind is tricky thing, just as what we see and don't see and why we don't see it. 

 

 

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Hey man I've gone through something very similar, I actually made a post on this site when I was going through it, just like you. This is the link to the post if you think it'll help: 

This was the period of my very radical and sudden shift of perception that occurred after smoking weed, just like you. 
I had a huge existential crisis the days/weeks after this happened. I was very afraid and I thought that I had seen something that I wasn't supposed to see. But in the midst of this fear, there was also a part of me that wanted to hold on to this state, because I had shed so much of my personal garbage and was something very mysterious and amazing about this state. So silent that I could sink into my couch if I didn't distracted myself with something. 

I can tell you from where I am now that I am not carrying all of that fear around anymore. It did change my understanding of life forever though, but that was only very scary at the beginning. I'm not in that very mysterious state anymore either, or maybe I am I've just gotten used to it. As Serotoninluv said I would recommend researching non duality, listening to non dual teachers and things like that. 

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You are correct to believe that Reality is an illusion and hallucination. Knowing that doesn't entail insanity, however. So no need to worry that you're going insane; it's just the truth of Reality that takes time to acclimatize to. The Truth can be anxiety provoking stuff. After all, if you take it to it's conclusion, it will all lead to your death as a human ego. But the death of the human ego isn't much of a death at all, for it never really was something to begin with.

Your fear and anxiety all stems from your ego, which is recoiling from what it experienced. It is still holding onto some sense of self existence.  I suggest you explore who it really is that is afraid and anxious. 

 

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