Didn't know which bit to put this in, but I'd like some advice

[EvilAngel]

I've just started a job two weeks ago after being out of employment for a while. I'm a kitchen porter and I work in a busy restaurant/bar. I've been enjoying having a job and the responsibility that comes with it, but a problem has arisen. One of the chefs I work with is a bit of a tough guy. He's smaller in stature than me, but he looks and acts tough all the time. I am an honest, straightforward guy who is in touch with his feelings, so I think it makes him feel uncomfortable. 

We were on a group chat last night, and there was a misunderstanding when he didn't get a joke I made, then I asked him if he was "out" (what I meant was, was he "out for the night") as it was a Saturday night. He thought I was questioning his sexuality though. He then said I "act gay", which I took offence to and basically told him to "fuck off". All the kitchen staff saw this conversation as it was group chat on messenger. I'm not sure what to do because I'm the only new member of staff, and don't want to cause any trouble, but also don't want to be treated like shit. I want to keep my job, but don't know if I can continue to work with this guy. 

I've had some mental health problems which I'm still working through. I am quite open about them which is another thing that maybe makes him uncomfortable. But having a job is great for my wellbeing. I finish each day feeling satisfied (even if I'm just a kp). 

I'm basically worried I will be ostracised because I'm a bit different to the people I work with, I'm new, and now I've had this argument with this guy. 

Any advice? 

[Jordan Welsh]

Hey, remember everyone is at different stages of psychological development and if you study spiral dynamics which I highly recommend you do you will know depending on what spiral they are mostly at will determine their values, motivations, tolerance levels and interests. You said he called you gay, homophobia is an attribute of stage blue. Watch Leo’s stage blue episode so you get a deeper and clearer understanding into how this colleague of yours thinks and how you can interact with him in a healthy manner. This is important because if you don’t develop a understanding with him from a working relationship perspective your work life could turn dysfunctional leading to unhappiness but also study all the spirals to understand how people behave and why they do for the ability to understand and connect with people from their point of view, even if their dysfunctional.

I also recommend you tell him your sorry for telling him to fuck off even though it’s can be very tempting when a person is being intolerant towards you and get all of your disagreements as well as issues into the open instead of bottling it all up, which can be emotionally damaging. 

Many times in life we get stuck with the uncertainty with not knowing how to approach a situation properly and inevitably we make mistakes through trial and error. Remember it’s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn from them and I only ask in return for this advice you help someone else who is struggling with an issue which you can help them with. I am going for a walk now, so if you have any questions just message me. Remember though this is just 1 perspective and by all means I don’t know everything. Ask a couple of the other guys and gals. Smell yaa around.

For your emotional issues read a couple of books on emotional-mastery, meditate and go to the emotional mastery section of this incredibly remarkable website. Good luck ? Journal as well.

[EvilAngel]

@Jordan Welsh thanks for your advice. I got paid off though. 

[denydritz]

Text communication is problematic because we can't see the facial expression and body language of other people. That is the downside of texting.

I agree, I would apologize for the misunderstanding and consequent conflict. In the future, when someone has a negative response, I would hold from responding immediately, especially if I feel emotional about it. That is the upside of texting, we can reply much later.

Regarding the condition at work, it may resolve or it may not. It's up to you to stay or find another job. It sounds like the chef does have problems, and maybe he will remain having problems for as long as you work there. Is that a trade off you're willing to accept?