Guy Has Commitment Issues

[Emerald]

On 5/10/2019 at 7:25 AM, Privet said:

@Emerald  If it's true, that she is not as detached and if it's true, that he is dismissive this friendship is the worst case scenario. She will become needy and his dysfunctional avoidant pattern will only be positively reinforced because of her attention, it's like giving money to an alcoholic.

An avoidant can't feel connected the normal way so they are aiming to have backdoors, because for them power = love. Or they get converted to anxious type and attached to an avoidant with a stronger pattern than their (that will dismiss them later, like his ex). Or they expect the partner to be very submissive and forget about their needs. His attempt to befriend her may only turn out to be an unconscious manipulation to slowly bend her to serve his needs.

People who avoid genuine connection with others start to work on their problem when they get desperate and lonely enough, until that moment any genuine care is dismissed by them as bullshit/neediness/weakness. And I can't see at all how this friendship is going to heal anyone, saving people that don't want to save themselves is the epitome of codependency and narcissism which are far from "truly care about him as a person". If he interprets her attraction as neediness being friends with him will only make her "that needy acquaintance that likes me". I've had a school friend that was ready to have sex with me for years and I know that from personal experience, I didn't even notice she stopped contacting me and got a boyfriend.

This is incorrect thinking. The thing that helps both anxious and avoidant people heal their past traumas is to get contrast and to actually experience a healthy attachment based in unconditional presence and love without expectation for the other person to go against what's right for them. 

So, if both he and she are able to communicate honestly enough and have the other's best interest at heart, this friendship could be excellent for healing and experiencing a healthy relationship. 

It would be hard work. She would have to practice giving him space as he needs it and not acting from her neediness, and he would have to practice opening up and communicating his feelings. But given that anxious and avoidant people often mirror eachother in terms of their reactions to trauma, they act as representations of the shadow to eachother and can also help them integrate the opposite in themselves. And this can help neutralize the imbalance.

 

[Privet]

@Emerald

It's true what you say for intimate relationships, not for a platonic friendship.

He doesn't avoid friendships.

You can't be intimate with a friend the way you are intimate with a partner just like you can't be intimate in that way with a therapist, even though you talk about your deepest issues with them. You can be open and talk about your dysfunction and still avoid being in a partnership, it's one thing to talk about this and another to participate.

It's impossible to heal cancer by injecting penicillin, you can't stop being afraid of public speaking by merely talking about this to your friend or therapist, you have to go and speak in public.

The situation that triggers avoidance in him is the relationships with an intimate partner that requires commitment, not a friend that doesn't.

So...

Are you saying that he will be healed from commitment issues by not committing?

Edited May 14, 2019 by Privet

[Pilgrim]

For whoever this is interesting.. I decided now to completely cut the ties with him. He doesn't deserve this, because I know he truly cares about me. But I don't deserve the current situation either. It's hurting me because I can sense that he is holding back (be it out of fear), but he simply isn't all in and I am. And I want a guy who is all in with me. So that's my answer. 

[Shin]

15 minutes ago, Pilgrim said:

For whoever this is interesting.. I decided now to completely cut the ties with him. He doesn't deserve this, because I know he truly cares about me. But I don't deserve the current situation either. It's hurting me because I can sense that he is holding back (be it out of fear), but he simply isn't all in and I am. And I want a guy who is all in with me. So that's my answer. 

Good call.

There was very few chances this would have ended well anyways.

[Privet]

@Pilgrim

Hang in there, the healing is on its way...

Edited May 14, 2019 by Privet