Reaching Green at a really inconvenient point in life?

[Krisena]

Hello,

I've been studying music composition intensely for the last 5 years and I'm about to graduate. However, the last year I've suffered a major, debilitating depressive episode. My one-sided, self-absorbed, achievement-focused life style, as well as a lot of personal baggage has come back to haunt me.

This all started when I found a community a couple of years ago with like-minded people. I had never really belonged anywhere. In the beginning, there was a lot of friction and competition, but I gradually found my place and I have mellowed out. Now I've found people I trust and can be myself around. This is a completely new experience for me.

This set off the massive chain of personal demons that caused me to transition to Green. Where I before wanted to become the greatest composer to walk the earth, I now feel no desire to even write anything in particular. I survived the depression, but I'm not the same person anymore. It's like I've slipped into a different mode of being. There's an overwhelming sense of peace in my soul and I feel present in the world in a way I've never really experienced before. I also feel like I have people I can trust now.

This comes at the expense of my life's narrative. I did not choose to let it go, rather it's no longer compatible with me, as I'm no longer able to live up to those ideals. I don't have the energy and I don't feel the compulsion to act out the necessary steps to turn them into reality. This saddens me. It feels like I've failed... though it's gotten better with time.

The problem is that as a graduate, I need to start fending for myself, and I could really use some of that Orange drive. I'm starting from scratch with nothing, yet all I want to do is look at the birds and trees and hang out with my friends. (It's smiling, but on the inside there's dread of the crushing weight of living costs and student debt)

Have you experienced something similar? Do you have any advice?

Edited May 2, 2019 by Krisena

[Nivsch]

Wow i feel that two. In last 5 years i was in constant stress to be a good singer and make everyone notice me and see me.

But lately i just switched this and the goal bacame much more clear to me - what makes me happy is not the recognition from other, but the SHARING of my abilities and also help other people to go up.

I feel like i'm 'melting' myself into connection with others and all my anxiety disorder has reduced significantly. It is realy about changing the wiring of your attention in the situations and less change the situations itself.

So you are not alone and i think the desire to create will come back to you, but in more soft and less neurotic way

Edited May 2, 2019 by Nivsch

[Krisena]

That's really interesting. I used to think that "sharing" was just strategic marketing speech, but now I know it's something one can mean truthfully. It's weird. I hope you're right that the creativity will come back.

[bejapuskas]

It could also be another situation, where you guys are just trying to find an escape... But I don't know... 

[ivory]

I'm in the same boat. Sounds like you need to call upon red / orange qualities. If you were ever self reliant this shouldn't be too hard to do, other than it may feel like a chore for a while. If you were never self-reliant, then you just need to integrate the healthy aspects or red / orange. Responsibility is one of the healthier qualities.

 

Healthy manifestations of orange: Result-driven, explorative, be able to think strategically, switch pragmatically to solve problems, entrepreneurial.

Healthy manifestations of red:  Assertive, movement, show courage, acts immediately on what needs to be done in the here and now and in a respectful way. Set clear boundaries and indicate urgency. Express one’s own opinion

 

http://spiraldynamicsintegral.nl/en/red/

http://spiraldynamicsintegral.nl/en/orange/

Edited May 3, 2019 by ivory