5-MeO-DMT Sub breaktrough dose trip report

[Igor82]

All my prior reports of 5-MeO have descended a step down in my intensity scale in comparison to this one.

• Dose: 36mg's 5-MeO-DMT Oxalate (Some leaks during administration). ROA: Plugged. Duration: 1.10h
• Set&Setting: Sufficient, could have been better. I ate a couple of light meals before doing the trip and I took 50mg's of Modafinil when I woke up (noon). I administered at 8 pm two hours after eating a pineapple after a day full of egoic distractions. My sister was home, my mother came home in the middle of the trip.

Report:

I had a calling for 5-MeO, and immediately I was showered with excuses on why I shouldn't do this today; I didn't have a good day, I was not strong enough, etc. But after my last trip, I came to realize that a calling was sufficient to initiate a trip. The calling would not come if I would not be authentically ready.

I weighed out the 5-MeO, did my Kriya, took a shit, went to visualize love and surrender, then I prepared the syringe and administered. I went down to sit on my couch with my iPad filming from the right side of the couch (this didn't bother me). I lightheartedly set an intention to experience infinite love during this trip as I assumed that this would be a breakthrough dose based on previous trips. As I sat down, the casual monkey mind started playing and I quickly forgot about my intention. I sat comfortably on my couch and I felt ready to surrender into death.

I started sensing that familiar butt sting and soon after that -while having a smile on my face, amused by some thought that came around- the smile quickly turned serious and I noticed that the trip has begun. I started to sense the body load and the fear coming up, the thoughts getting a bit more serious, but no awareness as of yet! Almost like my body was reacting against the awareness, successfully blocking it for now.

I kept my eyes open and my heart started beating faster and faster, I started breathing faster and faster but then it quite suddenly calmed down and I was left with a familiar sense of frustration and disappointment as I thought that this was the extent of the trip (I based the strength of the trip on how fast my heart was beating lol), I noticed this and decided to ride it out and see how much deeper this would go.

I started getting more aware, the monkey mind disappeared and the body load got heavier. Slowly, these effects got more magnified until my heart started racing again, and I was breathing heavily once more, but I was not feeling the rush as clearly as before under the strong body load I was experiencing now. At this point, I noticed that my sense of self started shrinking, but this was not as clear as in my previous trip as this time I had my eyes open, with my focus on the outside and not the inside.

I started getting uncomfortable, some light fear started coming up, I felt as though I was almost constantly residing in the "flinch" (a term describing the emotional state you experience in the decisive moment of going to do something emotionally difficult). I surrendered into this by trying to shower whatever came into my experience with love, and so that would eventually break through into love, which made the discomfort disappear and left me in this beautiful super calm state until another reason to be afraid popped up in the mind. I surrendered into the discomfort by kind of going "meta" on the discomfort (disindentifying with it, observing it) and then trying to shower it with love.

At the peak, the body lead was quite heavy, I would have about 10% of my sober strength available and that felt quite imprisoning. I was constantly surrendering into fears that regarded the body load but mostly regarding how absent the ego was at that moment. I could clearly see whatever thoughts were arising, and objects in front of me started losing their meaning. I was in such mental peace that my body reacted to it in a magnificent way, the jaw moving around "in awe" and my face occasionally making certain expressions. This was definitely a state of no-self, as "I" was completely absent but the world was still there. Some questions of "who am I" popped into my mind without any sort of answer. The mind was subtly bringing up Leo's teachings of nonduality and all of that, especially concepts coming from the latest episode (Understanding Duality). I just sat there, in awe, mostly looking at one point in my room (my salt lamp in the gaze in front of me), but I would occasionally shift my gaze to my legs, hands, the floor, etc. There were some very subtle visuals, almost like reality was permeated with a layer of "blinding spots", like the colors you would see after looking at the sun, but this layer was originated as if though I would have looked on a really bright version of the room I was looking at! Comparable to the subtle visuals you get when holding your breath... 

At one point, I was amazed to discover that the difference between my body sensations and the color of the sky I was looking at was melting away. The color blue became my body sensations because the thought that would commonly immediately separate them apart didn't appear at that moment! But I was having some trouble with melting the duality between green and blue. I then relaxed my gaze into my pants and my neck became a little uncomfortable from that, and from that arose some thoughts worrying about the body, but I surrendered that, reminding myself that I might actually die but that's okay and that was somehow comforting. As I looked into my pants -without intention- for like 3 minutes I suddenly noticed that I have no idea of what the patterns in my pants are representing! And then some thoughts came up regarding the patterns like "oh, that's a flower", "these pants much have been intentionally made!" and I found those facts to be quite amazing at that moment as I was also observing the thoughts as they arose right out of nowhere.

Towards the end of the trip, the body load was so bad that it became quite frightening (if I would not surrender into the fear I would have panicked), I was not experiencing any nausea, but I was worried about my body temperature being out of wack, especially as the window was open. I eventually gave in to the urge of closing my window and covering myself with a blanket, and as I did that I felt safe! And any thought that came after that was met with love and gratitude. 

I turned towards the camera and spoke calmly a summarization, but I loved admiring the elevation of authenticity I was experiencing. My mother was worried because I had locked my door and not answered the phone and as I hear her walking around in the corridor, It was very easy for me to put myself in her situation, into her first-person experience and feel what she was experiencing, and that makes me really compassionate. It made me also cringe on how selfish I used to be around her, virtually never putting myself in her shoes. Eventually, the body load subsided as I got distracted by the iPad.

 

Insights: 

• I need a stronger base of knowledge! As I was looking down at the patterns in my pants I realized that the magnificence of the pants resided in how I thought about them! And as I sat covered in the blanket, I was having a lot of happy thoughts, which enhanced the experience. What if I would contemplate reality daily, what if I would do self-inquiry? What if I would read 100 books, how satisfying would reality be then? And how would that affect the trip, would it make it deeper? Yes. Just like that guy that got enlightened when he was 4, he never realized that because of his lack of knowledge.
• I need to give more love and be less selfish. I went on to watch my first vlog ever recorded (which I spent some minutes laughing and cringing to the day before) and now as I watched it during the comedown, I didn't cringe, I just put myself in my own shoes to understand how I felt back then, and I got amazed by how calm I used to be back then! If im laughing an cringing, I ain't aware. I need to be more compassionate, putting myself in other's shoes in order to relate to them and to love them.
• Duality resides in the mind! If al thought seizes to exist, I believe that you would quickly realize that awareness permeates everything you see (taking the form of everything you see) and it can take on the form of anything, and so it happens to also takes the form of deceiving thoughts (duality) and tada! 
• I need to make more art. What if I could give myself to an art, and forget all this struggle, totally committing myself to my art and living it selflessly? Just like Jiro, the sushi master, doing his thing in ecstasy.
• The peak was quite uncomfortable physically, but it helps if I enter with strength! If I can take a cold shower and surrender into that with love, living my life closer to my full potential, then I can say with confidence that the capacity to surrender into upcoming trips would be enhanced.
• If you immerse yourself in thoughts, you quickly become unaware by design. This is why it's impossible to imagine the truth! Thoughts can never grasp (describe) consciousness because consciousness comes prior to thought. Thoughts can never describe the color red because the color red comes prior to thoughts! Thoughts can never describe the observer because the observer comes prior to thought.

 

This trip was not a breakthrough but it contains some valuable lessons for me moving forward. Next time administer 40mg's, trying to avoid leakage. Next trip will be planned beforehand so that it's done on the morning in a more comfortable set&setting.

Thank you for reading, my love!! 

 

 

[Leo Gura]

@Igor82 A decent intro trip.

Be very careful about combining 5-MeO with something like modafinil.

I don't get that much of a body load on 5-MeO.

[Igor82]

 

 

 

2 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

@Igor82 A decent intro trip.

Be very careful about combining 5-MeO with something like modafinil. I know, I know...

What do you mean by "A decent into trip?" I mean, you have told me that on like every trip report I have made so far... Does this mean I have not even begun yet?

[Leo Gura]

2 minutes ago, Igor82 said:

Does this mean I have not even begun yet?

You've dipped your toe in the rabbit hole so far.

From here it only gets better (or worse)

[Igor82]

1 minute ago, DrMobius said:

You have no idea what's left in store for you. 

I can't imagine!!  

 

[Nahm]

@Igor82 Nice! Very acute insights man.