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Mada_

What to do when feeling discouraged?

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I feel like I'm running round in circles. I don't know whether I'm doing enough work, but then I have this gnarly ego backlash and this depression that comes and goes. 

I feel like i waste every minute that I'm distracted, yet I don't know what that minute should have been occupied with. 

My practices were really neurotic for a while, i was doing heaps of meditation and self inquiry but not getting anywhere, it just felt like i was 'doing' lots of stuff and not fucking with my own reality. I've tried toning it back a bit and doing more contemplation which i really enjoy it and I get actual recontextualizations from doing that practice. 

Does these sound like good signs, neutral signs or negative signs to anyone who has been through the motions? 

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24 minutes ago, Mada_ said:

I feel like i waste every minute that I'm distracted, yet I don't know what that minute should have been occupied with. 

This is the deepest thing you touched, imo.

I would change “minute” to “moment”. 

“I feel like i waste every moment that I'm distracted, yet I don't know what that moment should have been occupied with.”

Notice the distinction between future desires and this moment now.  There is a desire to be somewhere else. To move toward that place. Yet that “place” is within a time construct. It is an ambiguous place that isn’t actual. “I should be doing something to get somewhere”. The mind will try and build a stable somewhere in the future. “Ahhh yes, this awakened being explains it - yes that is the place to go. I shall do these practices to get to that place”. . . Yet that place is not Now. All future places have something in common.: none of them are here and now. . . The mind-body once again is  left scratching it’s head “I should be doing something to get somewhere”. 

You don’t know how each moment should be occupied because your mind is assuming there is a destination in the future you should be moving toward. Yet the destination is now. The journey is the destination. To me, your uncertainty is a good sign you are close to a realization of the nature of Now and beingness. I sense that your mind-body is strongly oriented toward moving toward a destination and trying to figure out how to get to a somewhere that doesn’t exist. 

That somewhere is here and nowhere. It is not to be found in the timeline. Only Now. You are on a journey in which you have already arrived - right Now. Whatever arises right Now. This is it. Observe the feelings and thoughts as they arise. Observe, learn and embody.

 

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