Kids/children blah

[Samra]

That's always a tough question for a woman of our generation. I am getting close to mid 30's, and I also have the same dilemma. I have bunch of other girlfriends my age who don't have children either. My sister who is 3 years older than me had her first child this December. The first time I locked eyes with my niece, I understood the love of a child for the first time. It's beyond any other love, and highly addictive. Also, you fear for their life and safety. The sacrifice is great, but the love is even greater. 

I can tell you this. No one can answer this question for you. Only you can. Everybody have their own opinion, but as you get older, and as you find the right partner (or not) you will know if you want to have children. Either way, you will be fine. <3  

[Charlotte]

@Samra ❤️

 

[outlandish]

I've got a lot of friends having kids with the woman in their very late 30s, even one in her early 40s. A lot of the fertility data that's floating around is very old data apparently, we're younger at an older age than we used to be if you know what I mean. 40s is pushing it for sure, but it seems like a lot of people are making it happen later than we're being told you should.

Basically I'm saying, you got time.

Maybe you won't want kids.

Maybe you'll be like my wife and I. We're not really into kids but it's completely different when they're your own. It's hard for me to imagine feeling like I've had a full life without kids being part of it. There's not a greater love you can experience imo. 

[Shan]

@SFRL 

I really like your post. How many kids do you have? Do you feel they are a hindrance at all to your professional and personal growth?
 

As posted in another thread I have one and have mounting pressure to have another one and I feel like this is going to hurt my chances to grow in life. On the other hand we have no family and worried about our child being along when he grows up.  

Edited February 25, 2019 by Shan

[now is forever]

@Charlotte wanting to have children and wanting to help people are actually pretty much the same. you can’t  do it half ways even if you love them so much. either you really care for them or you dream about it. dreaming and doing are very different, in both cases you have to handle some shit. and they don’t exclude each other.

but if you don’t feel like having children then don’t. it’s better than not wanting to and still having them because society/culture/family/friends said so.

Edited February 25, 2019 by now is forever

[Shir]

@Charlotte Whoaa!! This is crazy. I have similar feelings to be honest. I'm not 28, but 26 (so pretty close). I think I HAVE mothering instincts and like to baby actual babies and toddlers lol...but the thought of having my own right now, literally kinda gives me anxiety. I cannot deal with the stress. The money of it all. There's no going back with kids. We cannot divorce kids, hence why it feels intense imo. You know we're at a age where having children is considered "normal" and "healthy" because we're not teens. We're adults and being married at this age is also considered responsible and normal these days (instead of like, 18 where we have no idea who we are and are basically still teens or what have you).

I too am scared to regret NOT having kids and it's funny because I met a guy who asked me very quickly into us talking if I want kids. I thought, oh wow! a guy is never this direct and usually the Lady asks such questions and I thought maybe he wants kids and felt in his heart to ask? I answered yes I do (being naive). He was saddened ever since and it was a huge demise to our relationship (kinda complicated). Believe me, ever since "meeting" this guy...it has given me a huge complex on kids and that hurt me and confused me even more. It made me have a LOT of empathy to women who do not have kids and are happy and feel fulfilled. It made me question WHY ppl/women even want to have kids. It made me question why I THOUGHT I wanted kids (they're cute, "normal" to have kids, brought up to think having kids was the right thing to do ect..). Believe me, on some days I could cry as this whole thing kinda eats you inside because you thought all your life that you wanted kids and then all of a sudden, the very thought of them seems like a burden and you're depressed anyway. 

I wish I knew what to say in order to make you feel better, but maybe hearing other Ladies like myself express that we too are lost and confused...maybe that helps some? That you're not alone?

 

Edited February 26, 2019 by Shir

[Shir]

6 hours ago, SFRL said:

I think it's a trap for women these days. Women are made to believe that they should: Have an education, have a career, have lots of friends, and a big social network, travel, have time to be single and party, have a boyfriend, have a relationship. Those are all things that need to achieved to their full extend. And kids can wait, and that will just happen happen when the woman chooses. But you don't order your kids off Amazon. 

Gosh...I cannot begin to express to you how true this is. It's heartbreaking to even type this out right now. I'm still in school and TRYING to study for a dream career that I KNOW will probably only start to happen when I'm in my early 30's if not a bit later. I have no bf nor partner nor ever had. I cannot even tell you how as a woman, the stress of it all just eats you up inside because in all honesty I don't want a bf nor a hubby right now and imagine trying to put your whole heart into something you dream for and that's not really working either but yet that's all you have to hope for. 

They NEVER tell you this as a little girl that's playing "house" in kindergarten/first grade and you're only 6 and naive. They never tell you the social pressures you'll face as a modern woman to try and study, have a career, be successful and fulfilled, find your dream Hubby in the middle of it all and have kids all by 35 if at all. Reading your post made me cry.

It's crazy because my dream career suddenly means more to me than a hubby or kids but idk if that's just me not being a good enough woman or if I'm just so depressed that I cannot imagine having a hubby or kids anymore. *sigh*.

[Arcangelo]

Hi Charlotte. I have been wanting to ask this question: When someone successful (meaning that they can materially provide everything  for their kids) doesn't want a family ( no marriage, no kids). Does that mean that this person has not fully assimilated stage blue? Because stage blue is all about family right?

Or it is just a sign of being smarter than average?

Kids are too fucking expensive and way too time consuming. You need a million dollars (and to be retired/loads of free time) to raise a kid properly: Private school, karate classes, college etc....

And even if you do have that mill there are no guarantees that your partner will not leave you. The kid then will be raised in a divided/dysfunctional family.

Personally i dislike kids. They are loud attention seekers.

One day my dad told me: -''I don't miss Johnny.''

-''Who's Johnny'' I asked.

-''The kid i never had. I don't miss him because i never had him''

When i was a teenager i thought having kids was important because: -''Who's gonna take care of me when i am old''

No guarantees for that either.

I am stage orange. Basically money = happiness

Kids = less money

No thanks.

 

Arc

Edited February 26, 2019 by Arcangelo

[flowboy]

Some questions to ponder that might help:

1. Would you do it if no one else was doing it?
2. How would you feel if having kids was mandated by law? Relieved? Trapped?

[Shadowraix]

I like to see having kids as an end-game to life.

When you've accomplished what you wanted in life, thats when you pass it on to an offspring.

But personally at the age of 20 (im a male) I don't desire that end-game.

Pressure is just upholding the status quo.

Do what you feel like you want to do. Don't fall into the trap of normality. Its entirely OK to not have kids like all the other women. 

The important thing is you are true to your desires.

Having a kid seems to be an insanely huge sacrifice. Are you prepared to make such a sacrifice? It'll be money, sleep, well-being, etc etc to care for one. It is pure devotion.

Edited February 26, 2019 by Shadowraix

[Charlotte]

@Samra (ignore sorry samra)

I love all your perspectives thank you so much.

❤️

 

[SFRL]

On 2/25/2019 at 6:34 PM, Shan said:

@SFRL 

I really like your post. How many kids do you have? Do you feel they are a hindrance at all to your professional and personal growth?
 

As posted in another thread I have one and have mounting pressure to have another one and I feel like this is going to hurt my chances to grow in life. On the other hand we have no family and worried about our child being along when he grows up.  

I don't feel like it is holding me back in any major way. 

I travel a lot so I am gone a lot anyways. That's just how my life is. I am not with the mom either. So I don't live the traditional family life. Although I do see my daughter often, she stays with me whenever possible, and I do have a good relationship with my daughter. 

My family is supportive as well. 

If you don't have/or want that then your situation might be different then mine. 

[Hellspeed]

Straight answer that nobody here apparently has the courage to tell you? 

 

Malnourishment leads to conditions and bone issues, those issues lead to depression. A sign of lack of grounding, Muladhara problems.

So in conclusion the no desire for what you been asking yourself, the why. 

[Charlotte]

@Hellspeed sorry dude you've lost me. Explain please.

[Alex bAlex]

On 25/02/2019 at 11:37 AM, Charlotte said:

Why do I not have mothering instincts? Why do I not want children? Isn't this supposed to be like my purpose as a woman?

Who says that suppose to be the purpose of a woman. Life doesn't have any inherited purpose. 

The mothering instinct is a society created condition from childhood. What were your first toys? Probably a doll a, pram and a house or something similar. So your subconscious thinks that it's your purpose. 

On the other side the life is full of desire, thus full of suffering. Why would anyone concious bring life into a painful world? 

Imo I think all those people who became parents and changed their attitude about childrens overnight are just bullshiting themselves because now ego has to defend itself. How many parents do you hear "oh fuck, I've done a mistake and I hate it by bringing this child to life"?

 

Edited February 27, 2019 by Alex bAlex

[Shin]

https://youtu.be/dIU3YtA7GEk

Starts at 7

[Nahm]

On 2/25/2019 at 1:51 PM, Charlotte said:

if I have kid's then I can't persue life purpose

You weren’t taking care of yourself, loving yourself. And now you have been, so you’re thinking ahead. I think the confusion is because you’re thinking ahead too far. Keep exploring & discovering yourself. You’re doing really great.  

Assuming when you think of having kids, it’s with a partner, you’re thinking ahead of the finding of the partner part. That could change the way you look at everything you want in this life. Having kids might look totally different in a year or two. Might not too. Either is fine. Keep doing what you’re doing, and the ‘right’ person does just ‘show up’. 

Careful with one sided views, for every person who says you can’t have kids and pursue LP, there is a person who’s love with their kids inspires them, brings passion to life & their LP. 

[Shin]

Lots of highly successful people had/have children.

Just check it out.

[Nahm]

@Charlotte

 The underlying facet is love, and you’re going to give a ton and experience a ton, wether that love is shared with your biological kids, or the world’s ‘kids’. Some people are very convincing that having kids is most fulfilling, and some are very convincing that LP is the way and the responsibility with kids hinders that, some people do both without ever thinking there was a one or the other scenario, and some people find their life purpose in being a parent. When filtering what people have to say about this down to helping to see what you want, do keep an eye out for if they actually have kids or not, and if they have a LP or not, and therefore are referencing direct experience or not. Also, how having kids and a family ‘goes’ seems like another world to you in a way, it seems, but try to see that it’s one moment at a time, and it’s like everything else under the sun - it’s all what we make of it. You will ‘win’ (have much love in your days) either way, as you are ‘wising up’ to the love.

Usually people don’t think about / try to decide about having kids, until they meet that certain someone and fall in love, and most people don’t factor in a LP. So, maybe you’re thinking too far ahead. You’re exploring the LP, but (if I’ve heard you correctly) haven’t fallen in love with someone yet. So you have one piece of the puzzle, but you’re trying to ‘solve’ it as if you have all the pieces. You might look at a lot of things differently when you fall in love with the one you know is the one for you. Also, you might not want a relationship, and or a family at all. (But you did make this post ?)

Something to point out, in the spiritual / healing (as a LP) industry & history; 

Had kids: Gandhi, (Siddhartha) The Buddha, MLK, Ruper Spira, Ester Hicks.

Haven’t had kids: Leo, Oprah, Adyashanti, Eckhart Tolle, (Matt Kahn hasn’t but stated he does intend to.)

So, a spiritual life purpose can be experienced with or without having kids. They are not at odds. My sentiment is fill your life, experience it all, have faith it will work. Personally, I vote have kids and a family. That ‘vote’ comes not only from the fortunate bias of being very happily married with 3 kids (easily the greatest facet of my life). It also comes from being in my forties now, and seeing very clearly (tiny sample size admittedly), that the friends I have who did not have kids, really struggle with the regret. Again, though, it is what we make it, and you’re still plenty young enough, no need to rush the thinking. (I had my first at 20, and my third at 36, and my wife is the same age as me btw).  

Like anything, look into it. Ask about it, read about it, contemplate it. 

♥️

[Charlotte]

Arw Nahm thank you so much for your response. Your words read to me like poetry ?

Your absolutely right. The only reason I have thought about this at all lately is because a) I got a womb vision during a breath work class and I told my friend about it and she said. "Maybe your neglecting your womb as a woman?" I took this and thought about it and I made my self feel a bit shit. B) My mum said to me 2 days ago. "You'd make a brilliant mum you know." That made me think also. See these are all for the wrong reasons though because when I truly think about it I don't feel any desire (currently) for children (or a family). I only just feel like I'm actually starting to live life ?

Yes so these thoughts came into my head after these scenarios and it just got me thinking a bit.

I will remain grounded and present and let things unfold organically. 

I'll continue the LP and when love is ready to knock on my door I will take things from there. 

By the way, I'm so unbelievably happy for you that you have a beautiful marriage and children ❤️ 

Thank you Nahm as always for your words, you speak directly to my heart.