s33ker

Time to opt-out?

3 posts in this topic

Hey friends,

Background: For the past 3 years I've been alternating between being ultra healthy respectively ultra self destructive. It's about 4 months of each/year with 1 month of transition in between the two periods. For example: January 2018: transition from substance abuse and overall an unhealthy lifestyle into a healthy, vegan, sober, self-actualizing lifestyle. Then I remained super healthy throughout February until June. After graduation (high school) in the end of June, I had about a month (July) of transitioning into a full-blown substance abuse again in August. And it went on until mid-Jan 2019 when I decided to quit everything cold turkey and focus on my health again. 

I am seeing a professional since a month back and they believe I have a Personality Disorder Syndrome caused by my emotionally abusive and traumatic childhood, next week we'll begin an inquest/investigation to see if that diagnosis would fit. I've also been diagnosed with Severe Substance Abuse Syndrome, and General Anxious and Depressive state syndrome.  

Okay, so to the point

Although I'm healthy now again and I'm getting my spiritual/self-actualizing habits going slowly but surely (reintroducing some meditation and yoga, step by step, etc. also planning on studying a baccalaureate in Philosophy and Metaphysics - yes it exists - in the fall) I feel immensely sad. I feel like I'm a bore to the people around me - which I kind of know for a fact since no one wants to see me once I'm sober/clean. And not necessarily because they only like hanging out at bars or anything like that but mainly cus I become boring, I can't match them in their mindset because I'm leaving the orange-green spiral and moving towards green-yellow. Writing this I'm realizing it sounds like humble bragging - but I've just been laying on the floor crying for the past 10 minutes cus I have no one. My mom and her boyfriend dislike me too, I'm way too hyperactive at home around them (no social stimuli all day = I vent to them every evening about whatnot) 

I'm overall not a pleasant person to be around. I can't adapt. Seems like I can't be myself around anyone, I'm always playing a role and I hate all those roles. I am aware of what it is I dislike about my social self (1. talking too much about myself and my feelings with the closest friends/family, 2. not talking about myself at all with acquaintances so that they think I'm completely plain and "nice") but I don't know what to do otherwise. I can be aware in the moment of what I'm doing wrong (i.e letting a guy talk about himself for an entire date and pretending that he's the most interesting person I've met), but I have no idea how to pull the breaks

I know I am very self-absorbed, probably mostly because I'm an only child raised by a single mother who has been criticizing me all my life making me think everything is my fault - creating a hyper-awareness of my own actions, in an unsympathetic way. Literally thinking everything being said around me is about me, directly or indirectly, which makes me a bad listener and support for friends. 

This may seem like a small problem or a stupid one considering all the content relating to self development Leo has put out, but I am considering opting out or introduce self medication again, because I don't know how to proceed and I can't live with myself this way.

I think what I'm looking for by posting this is someone telling me they're going through the same. Cus I feel so infinitely alone. And someone who can either say "go off yourself or abuse whatever substances you want, it's ok you're only human" or "get your act together you stupid fuck".

Just tell me what to do, I'm weak, I can't think for myself right now. 

Love,

Α.Ω.

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You remind me of my older sister. :)

She's very irritating at times and hard to be with. :D

She's been feeling very heavy this last year and she started using some weed to feel a little better and relax. I don't know if she used anything stronger but one day I met her and she was totally empty with glassy eyes and she was talking nonsense all the time :D I thought she's finished :D

Then she sayed she wants me to introduce her to spirituality or some meditation because she knows that Im practicing Yoga everyday so I told her okey go to the Sadhguru's Inner Engineering program. Honestly, I had zero expectations that she's going to do that but somehow she became interested more and more and because she trusted me she sayed okey what a heck. And when I asked her after the program, okey how was your experience, did you like it, did you not like it? :D she sayed she didn't think it was possible to feel this good without any drugs in life. :D then she went on sharing how amazing her experience was. Now she's talking her boyfriend to do the same program because she wants him to experience this also :D

So my point is. What you're going through probably 97% of the people are going through right now. And there are verious methods and techneques to solve that. It's just depends on how strongly you want to come out of it. 

?

Edited by Salvijus

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@Salvijus glad to hear your sister is doing well and that she's found something to commit to!

As for me, I'm already doing yoga, have been to a Vipassana and other retreat styles, and tried several other yoga variations (like kriya), etc. It's just not enough. It was enough last year, January through June, but this time around I seem to have a more nihilistic perspective on it all and I'm lacking true motivation. 

Although I must say that at this point, a couple of hours later than my original post, I feel much better. Think getting it out of my system made a huge impact.

Thanks for your reply!

Hugs

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