Can low self-esteem make you selfish?

[Roch]

I think it’s made me selfish. Since I don’t think I have any true effect on anyone I think I behave in self-centered ways. I also don’t think I have anything of merit to offer people, so I’m not a very charitable or helpful person. One exception to this is children. I genuinely believe I can really hurt or impact children. So I’m careful to not hurt them and I’m happy to smile at them, play with them or maybe show them how to draw. I feel I have something to offer them and could truly make them feel happy if I buy them toys. But I don’t feel like I have the power to ever do that with anyone older, so I don’t even try.

 

I think feeling a lack of agency also makes me ungrateful about things. Since I don’t feel like I live with my parents by choice I find plenty of things to complain about even though I objectively know I live in a nice house. I end up sounding like an ungrateful brat. I find I’m less likely to complain if I feel agency. 

I have plenty of things I could complain about with Hebrew. It sounded annoying to me at first a lot of Hebrew speakers still sound annoying to me. I also find it very overwhelming and confusing to study. The learning materials I use are also dry and often have voices I find annoying. But I actually want to learn Hebrew, so I can easily suck it up. Since the learning materials I use are free and convenient I can put up with them being dry or annoying. I’d never have this mental toughness for something I feel forced to do.

Since I don’t want to lose the autonomy I feel over my Hebrew studies I choose not to tell my parents. Even though I know they’ll probably support me financially, I’ll feel like I’ll lose autonomy over it and therefore lose the discipline I have. I also get to feel rebellious even though I know there’s nothing rebellious about studying Hebrew. 

Edited February 22, 2019 by Roch

[Knock]

Yes, low self-esteem can make you selfish.
People with low-self esteem come from a place of neediness. Because they don't feel validated in themselves, they are needy for the attention and validation by others. This often manifests in self-judgement and self-focus, not acting with authenticity or integrity, because you are wanting others to like you and give you the approval you seek.

55 minutes ago, Roch said:

Since I don’t think I have any true effect on anyone I think I behave in self-centered ways.

This constriction in your actions prevents any deep connection, and hence doesn't create a good environment for others. By trying to come off 'likeable', you come off as rigid and boring, ironically making the person like you less and perhaps not want to spend time with you. Hence low self-esteem prevents you coming from a place of love and providing anything meaningful to others.

56 minutes ago, Roch said:

I think feeling a lack of agency also makes me ungrateful about things. Since I don’t feel like I live with my parents by choice I find plenty of things to complain about even though I objectively know I live in a nice house.

That lack of agency you feel is a component of self-esteem, called self-responsibility. It may be hard for you now, but an important part of self-esteem is doing what is in your power to take control of your life in ways that are meaningful to you. 

If you haven't already read Nathaniel Brandens book "The 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem", then I highly recommend it. He answers many of the questions about self-esteem far better than anywhere else I have read, including this forum.

[Joseph Maynor]

"Self-esteem" is an interesting concept because it seems to be clear enough and not clear enough at the same time of exactly what the f*ck we're talking about.  There's something dodgy about the concept of self-esteem that makes it like trying to catch a greased hog to understand specifically what it means.

I'm gonna frame it like this.  When you're miserable in your own life, that makes you very selfish.  When you have lots of deficiency needs that are not being met, that makes you very selfish.  How can you be generous when you're not happy with your own life?  Generosity and compassion comes from someone who is coming from a place of abundance.  When you have very few deficiency needs that are unmet, you're generally very helpful to others because you're content with life, you're happy.  When you're content with your own life, and when you have few deficiency needs, you can feel compassion for even people and scenarios that even most regular people turn their nose up at.  

Edited February 22, 2019 by Joseph Maynor

[Shadowraix]

@Joseph Maynor This is some good shit, thanks for this post.

[Leo Gura]

Low self esteem people tend to be very insecure, helpless, and needy. They love to play victim.

When you are incapable of meeting your basic needs your entire life becomes dysfunctional and backwards. You are forced to resort to outrageous degrees of selfishness just to maintain your basic existence.

[XYZ]

Yes, someone with low self-esteem can obsess over their own thoughts and project their negative attitudes so much that they treat other humans as NPCs with no feelings of their own, without even realizing they are doing this. It is easy to wake up to this tendency though, unlike the narcissistic delusion of actually thinking you are objectively better than other people.

Sometimes I wanted to complain about how much my life sucks in the hopes of gaining sympathy or help with my problems, but then I overhear someone else doing that and it's cringey as fuck, or learn someone who I'd be inclined to envy has their own problems they go through, and in contrast it now feels like there is nothing to complain about. For a specific example, wanting to vent about how I live in a shithole and can't get as much sleep as I want, while forgetting that most 'responsible adults' don't get to live with their parents, and have to wake up to an alarm, work a full time job and pay most of their earnings towards rent or mortgage. Whining about my circumstances makes me sound like a spoilt braggart.

 

 

[Hellspeed]

@Roch I think the problem lies in the fact that you are afraid maybe to step into getting your power back, like Raging and unleashing Hell. Take sometime and channel those into something, a videogame, a box sack etc. I don't know. Mainly you need to take your power back somehow, so Anger will do it channeled in the correct direction. Society tends to be anti anger preaching, so i say, screw society, you do what you have to do, when you have to do it. 

[YaNanNallari]

Abundance leads to open mindedness, mentally