Healing from Childhood Verbal Abuse

[Brant]

I am the oldest surviving child and my Dad is a life time alcoholic who went through periods of drug use in the 80's. Dad mostly took care of me while Mom was taking of my older brother, so I imprinted on him strongly.

Dad inherited the family plumbing business. He never like the business and would often use "shit" to describe everything in his life he didn't like. He didn't like that I was uninterested in sports (in 2nd grade), hated his life and vented his frustrations on me. There would be moments of screaming like, "BRAAAAATTTT! YOU SHIT HEAD! GO TO YOUR ROOOM! NOOOOW!" and then he would kick holes through doors. Even in calm times he would use "endearing" terms like "Hey Brant, come here you little shit." Love was imbued with disgust.

We lived in a big house which enabled a lot of avoidance habits, like obsessively closing door to make sure I had a barrier between me and people and tell whether they were close by the sounds of the door. When he got really drunk or angry Mom would try to take me to relatives.

Now I'm nearly 30 and I'm living with roommates for the first time and all of my trauma survival mechanisms are reappearing. I avoid them like the plague, but I live in a small place with four other people. I had an episode today that lasted over four hours. I felt trapped in my room like I couldn't get out. How do I heal?

[creede]

You'll want to find a way to be present in the moment. If your roommates aren't yelling the same things you heard as you were growing up, kicking holes in the doors, and threatening your peace of mind then there is nothing to trigger you. It's your mind f-ing with you.

There are thousands of ways you can come at this, and I'm sure you'll get a lot of suggestions. The most important thing is going to be action. Whatever you decide to do you have to be an active participant. You can't wish your old story away... you have to dissect it, see what you want to keep and what has to go. I recommend self-inquiry or journal writing. And of course some sort of meditation practice it can be as short as 10 minutes a day.

Byron Katie is a wonderful woman who has tons of free videos on Youtube, she cuts through all the bs with four easy questions. What you end up finding out is that you are the one abusing you now, You're somehow trying to hide from the enemy but it is within you. You're turning other people into your dad so you can suffer. But there is a way out.

Youtube will be your friend, look up healing childhood trauma, or healing inner child meditations, Leo here at Actualized has great videos on self-inquiry too. You don't have to be a victim of your past. You have to take action though. Remind yourself are safe and that you are not being threatened by anyone anymore. Dig deep friend.

[Equanimitize]

11 hours ago, Brant said:

Dad inherited the family plumbing business. He never like the business and would often use "shit" to describe everything in his life he didn't like. He didn't like that I was uninterested in sports (in 2nd grade), hated his life and vented his frustrations on me. There would be moments of screaming like, "BRAAAAATTTT! YOU SHIT HEAD! GO TO YOUR ROOOM! NOOOOW!" and then he would kick holes through doors. Even in calm times he would use "endearing" terms like "Hey Brant, come here you little shit." Love was imbued with disgust.

 

I'd just like to offer you a different perspective that you may or may not have thought of: 

Your Dad must've dealt with a lot of abuse or trauma or some aspect of this which in turn has allowed him to be fragmented as well as for him to show up in this world and reflect his own insecurities, fears, and limiting beliefs on to you when you were a Child. Your Dad probably didn't know know any better, he probably didn't know any other way to deal with his problems. What I am trying to say is that healing first comes from understanding the root cause, for me personally the more I understand the big picture of how things operate the more I have the capability to heal. So, I would first try and understand that he was working with what he had, he didn't know any better. Try as much as possible to come from a place of understanding for this person-who at the time (or maybe still is) was just a little boy trapped in a grown mans body who was running away from his problems and used alcohol as his escape mechanism. I am not saying this as a way to diminish your Dad in any way-just that maybe you can come from a place of compassion. A big problem with parenting that is not understood in our society is how parents project their shadow on their children, realizing its parts of them that they are hating on the outside world because they failed to integrate this aspect of them (shadow boxing). 

Now, unto You. In order to have compassion, you will have to stop being a Victim (not saying you are, by the way this is just my perspective). The way I see it you have been given the opportunity to change your own life and not allow circumstances such as childhood difficulties to dictate and operate your life unwillingly. To change the karmic trajectory of your life so that you can show up in the World as a more powerfully integrated compassionate human being. I think the continuous pursuit of trying to patch these aspects up of your life up is huge. Just inquiring as to how to "fix" these parts of you and your life is a big step. The key is to keep looking for answers, at the end of the day only you know your reality, only you know what you truly have to do. The power is all within you-emotional pain is neither bad or good only thinking makes it so-if you can stand on the fire a little bit, maybe you can see as to the origin of the suffering that is happening in your life. It is a blessing to be the one that is powerful, strong, and courageous enough to not continue down the path of of unconsciousness to willingly self traject your life into something grater. You have been given the opportunity-the question is whether or not you will pursuit what is important. Either way Pain will get you back on track, the key is to make sure you listen to it- it is trying to tell you something-no different then when you have your hand in water and it starts to get really hot.

A few action steps:

• Theres tons of books to read (specifically those that have to do with improving aspects of yourself in your situation today)
• Meditate
• Find a solid therapist, coach, mentor, etc if you have the opportunity (be very picky here, and take your time choosing specifically local therapist)
• Keep searching for answers and take action. Everything is out there for you to change your life.

Edited February 20, 2019 by Equanimitize

[Gabriel Antonio]

That's harsh... Verbal abuse can be even worse than physical one. 

One thing that comes to mind is experimenting with psychedelics, especially ayahuasca. I have seen many people heal traumas in ceremonies. It's not easy, but it pays off. 

There are more traditional alternatives to that, such as psychotherapy. You can also use art to express yourself. 

You can also work on getting in touch with your inner child. There's a beautiful Hawaiian prayer called Ho'oponopono, which can really help release emotional pain. 

See if this resonates with you: 

 

[Nahm]

@Brant Me too. It sucked. The only thing worse than my dad’s temper, was my overthinking about it, for years. Took me a while to figure me out, to figure him out, and to let it go. 

So I’m in Ontario tonight, and I noticed a town named Brantford, in Brant County even. And now I see your post, and I can’t help but see the divinity in the universe. Did you know Brantford Ontario, and your name, Brant, have the same origin?   A guy named Joseph Brant.

He didn’t have any problems with his dad though. His dad died when he was born, so he never knew him.  Joesph was kind of a big deal apparently - hung out with George Washington, and King George III, and was the leader of The Mohawk People. That’s impressive I think, what a life I bet. But that’s not even the most impressive thing. Back then there was a bit of a caste system happenin. Odds were the family and situation you were born into, was pretty much locked in as your destiny. Not Joseph Brant though. He wasn’t born into leadership. He educated himself, and developed his abilities, and ‘rose to the top’ in affiliations as such. He became such a fearless leader in fact, he was one of the most feared men of his time. That fear & insecurity got the best of people apparently, and they resented him, and dubbed him “Monster Brant”. 

He didn’t stop though, he just kept leading. Later, the error of the projections on him were realized to be false. (In one of the pinnacle battles, many civilians were ruthlessly murdered, but it was later proven that he refused to be a part of that.) This misunderstanding, via egoic projections & defense mechanisms, caused a half century of bad blood between the Americans and the Iroquois people. When the truth surfaced, he was given an enormous chunk of land; present day Ontario - Brant County. 

It doesn’t matter if anyone else knows who you really are. It doesn’t matter what anyone says to you, what anyone says about you -  what names they call you. Brant is a good, strong name. You should be proud of who you are, and you should be forgiving of people who don’t know better. Everyone is doing their best, and life is too short. 

Something else for ya too Brant. A week ago, and I don’t understand how, my basement toilet overflowed. Well, it didn’t “overflow”, more specifically, the big pipe / drain, that goes from the house into the cities sewer system clogged, built up pressure for a few days, and unleashed everything four people had been flushing down the toilets, into my basement. This is my basement mind you, my space lol. I put that floor in, I put that drywall in, I hung and leveled every door, I put all the molding in myself - it’s where I sing & play guitar, where I exercise, where I meditate, where I write. When I say “backed up”, it was more like some one turned the shit slurpee machines to 11, and let it run aaaallllll night. Half of the basement floor was some ungodly mixture of devil feces mushpoop. I had to wear an insulation mask, AND a t-shirt over my nose and mouth just to be able to walk down the steps, and my knees still shook a little. I looked like a damn terrorist fighting the Shit Swamp Brant. My kids thought it was hilarious. 

Cleaned it all up though. Sterilized every inch of that basement. Pris-f’n-stine. It sparkled. Brought a tear to my eye. 

Then a few days ago, the exact same thing happened again. Shit Flood sequel. Unbelievable. Shitgate!

I don’t know how any of that drainage works really. I couldn’t believe I had to deal with it, to clean it all up again! 

You probably see where this is headed....

The plumber though, he came in like it was nuthin. Booted through it like butter, ran a 60 foot industrial cable / camera / scope / drill thingy down a few places, figure it all out (no gloves btw ?). He explained the cause of the problem, very clearly and precisely. I was a little riled by number two, of The Great Flood of The ‘Number Two’, but he wasn’t at all. I hear you that your dad blew it, and needs to address his alcoholism. But also, “hero” is a very relative term. I bet he helped / helps a lot of people, and they probably don’t express much appreciation. It’s probably really difficult doing what he’s doing, and maybe he casts his resentment, like a lot of us do, on the people he was doing it for. It’s shitty, but we’re weird that way, and doing our best.

Edit.......Oh ya! Almost forgot...the plumbing “problem”....was my 7 & 8 year old kids, flushing the end of a paper towel roll in the basement toilet, and watching it unroll down the crapper. We all do dumb stuff I guess!

[Hellspeed]

I was bullied in school, verbally, because they could not beat me usually of my stature. 

Is not easy, we adapted, we grew up in that context, mindset, personality. 

So the way out for me was to not let that happen no more. 

To come from a state of powerlessness i had to adopt ANGER, yes, you read it right. 

Anger and Rage is better than feeling shattered. I use it to open myself and harmonize myself. The contrary what Spirituality in general teaches.

The majority what is taught by gurus and non-violence is just that, to create a "responsible" "brainwashed" humans. 

Being Angry with a purpose is a life changer and direct that to create you purpose and reality.  

[s33ker]

Wishing you good luck! And please share if you find anything that works for you

hugs

[Nahm]

@Brant Love is Love, and you are too Brant! Keep letting go of the past in all ways it isn’t serving this moment! ??