Mikael89

Been involuntarily single whole my life (30 years). Can anyone beat me?

151 posts in this topic

5 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

people don't change drastically unless they're striked out by some f***ed up event that triggers some of kind of very very deep emotional pain.

in general, people change very slowly. you're pretty average for that matter.

I almost killed myself a few years ago. I don't know if that's deep enough emotional pain in your book.


All is Seen. I am Here 🙏

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22 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

I almost killed myself a few years ago. I don't know if that's deep enough emotional pain in your book.

i was suicidal too, but that was not enough. crazy, huh?


unborn truth

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been there. decided to live whatever happens. 

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1 hour ago, Rilles said:

been there. decided to live whatever happens. 

I realized I don't have a choice, I live even if I don't want to.


All is Seen. I am Here 🙏

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2 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

I realized I don't have a choice, I live even if I don't want to.

What do you mean by that?

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4 minutes ago, Rilles said:

What do you mean by that?

1: I can't pull it off (suicide), I guess I'm too chicken or something.

2: even if I would kill myself.. I (or someone else) would just get born again.


All is Seen. I am Here 🙏

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3 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

1: I can't pull it off (suicide), I guess I'm too chicken or something.

2: even if I would kill myself.. I (or someone else) would just get born again.

Those are valid points. Id like to add that

1. I dont want to hurt my loved ones

2. I see something noble in suffering and getting to the end of life and saying ”Fuck, I did it, I went through all this shit without budging” 

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6 minutes ago, Rilles said:

Those are valid points. Id like to add that

1. I dont want to hurt my loved ones

2. I see something noble in suffering and getting to the end of life and saying ”Fuck, I did it, I went through all this shit without budging” 

Basically, I live against my will. And I didn't even ask to get born.

About #2: cool, but for what purpose? It's pointless, I don't think you will get a medal. You'll just die and then repeat the suffering until the end again, repeat for eternity. (Same infinite impersonal Consciousness, but different ego/conditioning). For no good. No reason. No meaning. Nothing.

Edited by Mikael89

All is Seen. I am Here 🙏

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1 minute ago, Mikael89 said:

Basically, I live against my will. And I didn't even ask to get born.

About #2: cool, but for what purpose? It's pointless, I don't think you will get a medal. You'll just die and then repeat the suffering until the end again, repeat for eternity. For no good. No reason. No meaning. Nothing.

Nah, I want to play the game, I dont know whats at the end, I dont know whats gonna happen tommorrow, Im too curious. Even for the so called bad stuff. 

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Hello to the original poster. This is a really good thread. I admire your honesty and for also riding out some of the blunt replies. I can relate to loads of this but won't pretend to fully understand. 

I've been single for "only" 5 years. Not even close to getting a date. I freeze if I think if anyone is interested in me. I'm in my early 40s now. I have a grown up child and have had long term relationships (although longest was only 3 years). However I am eroding myself of all confidence. I feel like I've given up. I used to go on date sites all the time and often ended up with casual sex or something deeper. I can relate to the thousands of men for every woman feeling. I can't bring myself to fight through that again. I've lost the fight in me i guess.

I have some quite severe issues with how I perceive my appearance and looks. It's quite disabling (although I realise I have made myself disabled with it). In terms of extremes there is probably not much difference between someone with body dysmorphic disorder and me (although saying that I am  not sure if I buy into pathologising this problem around my looks).

I'm not even sure I want to achieve anything with this area of my life. Although lately I've realised that's a cop out. I just can't face the work I'd have to put in and the risk of rejection. I have to be honest.

I'm lazy with it. Unless a girl just virtually shows up in my life nothing will change.

I've almost gone beyond feeling shit about this as I seem to have accepted the situation which is probably quite sad.

Anyway. I'm aware of a lot of my limitations and reluctance here. It's all my own doing really.

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