Feeling extremely hopeless cognitive impairment

[Manjushri]

I don't have the will to write a forum post here. I appreciate all your help in the previous threads. I just need a tiny spark of hope in this drain I'm falling in. Insomnia, cognitive impairment due to it, no will to do anything. I'd just lie on the floor until I die, no joke. No will to even write this, ask for help. In this tough time I need a glimmer of hope, a vision that I can set things straight. I fucked up my familial relations too much. Betrayed their trust by running away from home. Now I'm back here because I have to see a psychiatrist and am "forced" medication at home. 

I'd just lie until I rot away. Not a good path because then I'll get the will to live when it's too late. It's too much of an effort to even write this, a last cry for help. I feel like I'm 80 and I'm only 19. How can I muster up the will to live after ruining my life so much? I actually want to live.

It's my life and I'm being treated like a senile crazy dude by my family! What can I do to get myself out of this state of slowly dying?

[Nahm]

@Manjushri How many times do you need to be told to go to the dr’s and do what they say? 4 more? 17? 

Give us a number. 

We’ll do it. 

Cause we love you. Just to love.