LordFall

Frustrated when girlfriend doesn't want sex

49 posts in this topic

@Emerald Sounds like you've never been with a guy who knows how to turn a girl on. Most guys suck at sex, so it's understandable.

But a guy who knows what he's doing can give you an amazing orgasm just through text messages, never mind in person.


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@Leo Gura Thats what happens when you dont release the videos about how to turn a girl on ?should we expect topic on this or forget about it?


Who teaches us whats real and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live and what we'll die to defend?Who chain us? And who holds the Key that can set us free? 

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On 23. 1. 2019 at 5:21 AM, Emerald said:

For me, sex as an experience has consistently been 1/3 mild pleasure, 1/3 chore, and 1/3 discomfort all bundled together.

1

@Emerald Eh, Emerald... maybe you are that way... but I doubt it. I'm sorry your husband expects you to have sex. When you take the freedom to explore, it should be possible to find pleasurable activities (admittedly, maybe it's not PIV) and increase body awareness to a point where you enjoy immensely. 

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I think there are many things to take into consideration, some women take birth control pills and it’s the same as telling the body “I’m dead” cause the sexual energy/ creation force it’s present firstly for reproduction/creation and when you take pills you are not ovulating, my sex drive diminished 80% when I used to take. Women on birth control pills just don’t feel like having sex and are disconnected from their feminine side, so find out if your gf is taking it.

Also can be the men, most men are too worried about showing their masculinity in bed, so they give no fucks if the woman is enjoying the act or no, they are too much in their minds and lack connection, I call it mechanical sex, Americans (specially) treat sex as a shore, some of them even have exact day and time to have sex, that’s one of the reasons I don’t date American men, of course there are the exemptions but I’ve been living here for 4 years and have been having difficulty connecting with them, I’m from Brazil and Latina’s are known to have a high sex drive, so far I haven’t found compatible men.

There is sex and there is connection, at least for me, if I’m having sex with a man who is bad in bed, after cumming the first time, I lose interest and want to be done, while if I’m having sex with a man who knows what he is doing I’ll have many orgasms and still be interested after the first or second one, most men are only interested in the body and the act itself so they can’t keep our attention and we can’t wait for him to ejaculate and be done, that’s when women fake orgasm or suffer/have pain just to get away, it’s incredible the number of women who have never had good sex and think like Emerald, it’s very sad to hear that, I was abused in the past and it took me a long time (and effort) to change my views on sex, but specially for women, we are the darkness, the mysterious, the divine feminine, it’s so so important that we connect with ourselves first before giving of ourselves to someone else. 

so watch out if when you are having sex, are you really there? Are you trying to please her and enjoying the act? Or are you in your head? G


"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." Shakespeare

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCqtX3EPGsnmWjK76m5Vpbw

 

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Just one testimony here, but the sex in a relationship going down hill is not the experience I’ve had. Generally speaking, I’d consider communication / couples therapy if this is what is experienced. As soon as possible. 


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8 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

@Emerald Eh, Emerald... maybe you are that way... but I doubt it. I'm sorry your husband expects you to have sex. When you take the freedom to explore, it should be possible to find pleasurable activities (admittedly, maybe it's not PIV) and increase body awareness to a point where you enjoy immensely. 

It's not like that between my husband and I because he doesn't pressure me to have sex. But because I know that he wants sex and has a relatively high sex drive, the incongruence makes me feel pressure regardless even when he's not pressuring me. I know he would probably have sex everyday if he could. And I would feel enough desire to genuinely want to have sex maybe once in every two or three months. 

So, I've been with my husband coming up on nine years, and I want him to feel satisfied with his sex life. So, I don't feel like it's a good idea to abstain for three months and essentially make that decision for him too simply because sex isn't all that exciting for me. So, I try to at least go for once per month... but mostly for him because sex is pretty boring and banal to me overall.

But I'm not shy toward sexual exploration. Funny enough, I do actually have a high sex drive as I can feel really deep desires toward sex. It's just that the reality pales in comparison to the fantasy of it, and over the years I've realized that (in terms solely related to my own pleasure) it's not worth the effort.

It's a bit like imagining eating a really good piece of chocolate cake and having a strong desire to eat it. But then, every time you go to actually eat chocolate cake, the taste and texture is that of wet crumpled up paper that's been soaked in cocoa powder and sugar and formed to look like chocolate cake. Then, you learn that the closest you can get to the satisfaction you crave is to imagine it, because the actual experience of thinking about eating the cake is better than actually eating the cake. So, thinking about sex is actually significantly more pleasurable than having it.

So, it's a bit of a dilemma. But I've done a ton of self-exploration relative to this topic, and nothing really ever changes. This has always been the way it's been. I've just gotten more honest with myself about it over the years and stopped striving for something that's seemingly just the way things are for me. 

 

 


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9 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@Emerald Sounds like you've never been with a guy who knows how to turn a girl on. Most guys suck at sex, so it's understandable.

But a guy who knows what he's doing can give you an amazing orgasm just through text messages, never mind in person.

I honestly don't think it has to do much with the guys that I've been with. 

Both my ex-boyfriend (who I was with for four years) and my husband (who I've been with for almost 9 years), were/are very focused toward wanting me to have pleasure. So, I've never been long-term with a guy who was oblivious in that way. 

I think the issue is that no matter what they did/do, the physical experience of sex just isn't a very satisfying experience for me. What is satisfying is to actually have erotic emotions and thoughts... but the physicality feels like a distraction from that as opposed to something that flows with the experience. The peak of my experience is always the moment before anything starts, and then once it begins it's all downhill from there.

So, it sucks. But it doesn't suck because of some other person not doing something right.

 


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14 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

Have you ever had a solid Green or a Yellow guy? I'd expect your husband to be in this territory? It's still not solving the issue is it?

He's definitely Green with some Yellow, if I peg him anywhere. But, it doesn't really help. Yet again, he isn't the most romantic guy.

I tend to have some pessimistic ideas about the experience of sex for a woman. I don't know if they're true in general, but it's been true for me.

My pessimistic idea is that since the purpose of sex is toward reproduction it only requires the man to be satisfied sexually because it is the male orgasm that enables sperm to get to the egg and not female orgasm or sexual satisfaction.

But in a human species, where we have the capacity for high intellectual thinking and noticing things like unfairness, there also has to be a motivation to have sex for women. So, our mind spins this projection of a sexual scenario onto reality where it feels really good to engage with that fantasy projection... and it is the projection itself that beckons us into a sexual situation where there is no actual sexual fulfillment to be had. It just feels good to feel the feelings associated with the projection, and there is an illusion that making that projection real will intensify the feelings of the projection that we crave.

But then, when we actually get in the situation, the desire for the satisfaction promised by the projection doesn't get met. And this leaves us with a desire to seek it more (leading to more babies) and to avoid sex unless there is a really strong and emotionally alluring projection over the experience (nature's form of birth control and thus population control). 

But that's just my pessimistic idea about it, because that's been my experience. I don't know if all, most, some, or no other women are like this. 

Now, a romantic guy is really skilled at creating that illusion... That's what I think romance is.

But I still have my pessimistic doubts that that illusion (no matter how skillfully created) will ever actually translate to the sexual satisfaction that the illusion and the desire for the illusion seems to promise. 

 

Edited by Emerald

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@Emerald I really feel for you, but at the same time I can’t get a feel for if you want this to be “better”, or if you don’t.  If you do... Have you considered a less sexually pragmatic scientific approach, maybe you’re overthinking it? Have you had a thorough physical done with screenings? Have you had periods of months where you did an hour of meditation every morning - did that change anything with the projecting sex and or the physical sex? 


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56 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

or if he's too emotionally disabled to fulfill my need for connection during sex.

What have you tried? What’s worked what hasn’t? Have you explained this need to him? 


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1 minute ago, Nahm said:

@Emerald I really feel for you, but at the same time I can’t get a feel for if you want this to be “better”, or if you don’t.  If you do... Have you considered a less sexually pragmatic scientific approach, maybe you’re overthinking it? Have you had a thorough physical done with screenings? Have you had periods of months where you did an hour of meditation every morning - did that change anything with the projecting sex and or the physical sex? 

It is frustrating to me, so I would like it not to be this way. 

But to be clear, I don't have an issue reaching orgasm. I can't do it through sex because sex doesn't stimulate me enough to achieve orgasm. But I can experience pleasure, and I can climax in other ways. 

But this is not really the issue. The issue is more-so that when I experience sexual feelings it feels better if I just take time to feel them on my own without even engaging with physicality and definitely not trying to orgasm. I am most sexually fulfilled when imagining a sexual scenario and being able to experience the erotic emotions that come with the fantasy.

But once it becomes physical, it loses like 85% of its charm. And I end up feeling less sexually satisfied by doing more work once sex becomes real, regardless of the pleasure I feel (which itself is usually pretty mild). And oddly enough, I prefer the mild pleasure to orgasm as well.

So, it's just a lot of mixed messages and a promise of sexual fulfillment that has never panned out.


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@Etherial Cat Is his watching porn why you don’t express / let go of the past influencing on the present? Or maybe am I missing that he was part of the trauma....? Or is he not trust worthy / doesn’t care about your well being / makes you feel uncomfortable?


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1 hour ago, Emerald said:

I tend to have some pessimistic ideas about the experience of sex for a woman. I don't know if they're true in general, but it's been true for me.

 

Certainly not true in general. Damn, sure, the brain is the woman's most powerful sexual organ, but the physicality helps a lot. When in the right mindset with the right partner (sometimes even with a not-so-right partner, lol O:)), touch is awesome. 

I wonder, Emerald, if you could work more with your fantasies in bed. This... 

39 minutes ago, Emerald said:

I am most sexually fulfilled when imagining a sexual scenario and being able to experience the erotic emotions that come with the fantasy.

But once it becomes physical, it loses like 85% of its charm.

 

... sounds almost like you have a learned trigger. Like you can be in your pleasurable fantasy, but then, once touch occurs, your mindset changes too, like it's time to snap out of the fantasy and do the chore. 

Question is, could you incorporate the physical sensation to enhance the fantasy instead? 

9 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

I'm wondering whether spiritual sexual practices which allows for a transcendental dimension couldn't hijack mind made patterns?

1

By all means, try! :)

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@Etherial Cat Do you guys take time to communicate, and if so what prevents the continuation of it through to some resolution (which could then naturally result in great sex).

Also, what would he say about you, about this?


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@Etherial Cat I understand what you are saying, I also had a rough past and needed to go deep within myself to understand how sex works and what sex really is and isn't, and personally I've only had "real sex" 3 years ago, I'm 28 now so you ask me what was my sex life in those past years...

my view was exactly how Emerald described and I had problems with controlling in bed, I still do specially if I don't know the other person very well or if my partner is on top, and so far I've had many partners, the ones I had crazy amazing sex are the ones more evolved spiritually, the open minded ones (and with openmindness I'm not saying naughtiness), if the men sees sex as a shallow thing, if he is only thinking with his dick, and it's just using sex for pure pleasure and not as a form of connection, we will for sure feel that, and it doesn't matter how deep you know yourself, if that person has a certain mindset the sex will be shallow for both, or not pleasurable,it's a dance, it takes two of them to open up and merge into each other and have "the little death", if one person is closed, it doesn't matter what the other does.

I questioned myself a lot if sex was only to feed our primitive side/ just for reproduction, and my answer is no, the quality level of the sex is gonna depend of the level of consciousness of both parts, I've had partners who I dated for a couple months who only saw sex as a material thing, just to feed the body and had meh sex and I've had sex with people I met in meditation/spiritual places and barely knew but had amazing sex, you can say it's all the attraction of the beginning phase but from my experience it's not and I'm very experienced, I'm not bragging I'm actually proud of myself for being able to get out of the abusive relationship I was in and explore my sexual side and for being so open about the subject too.

I had one partner that in one of our first dates he sat in front of me, without saying anything, we just sat on the ground in front of each other and looked each other in the eyes for a long period of time, without saying anything, it was one of the best sexual experiences I've had, of course we had sex afterwards but what I want to say is every person has a depth, how far they have been within themselves, when you look your partner in the eyes you can see their depth, like Shakespeare said the eyes are the windows to the soul, you can see the level of the men by where he is looking at when he is having sex, of course we all appreciate beauty, I also look at their bodies and understand men are very visual, but come on you have another human being in front of you, sometimes I have sex and they are not capable of looking me in the eyes, I ask myself where are their minds at? they are unconscious, they are not really there, and that's what I call mechanical sex haha

I just think it's very sad you guys have this opinion towards sex, you see if we think sex is a mechanical thing, just to feed the body and just for reproduction, then we are the ones seeing it as a shallow thing, I'm a very sexual person but I'm also romantic so here is an Osho quote on sex :x 

"That's why orgasm is becoming more and more difficult. Ejaculation is not orgasm, to give birth to children is not orgasmic. Orgasm is the involvement of the total body: mind, body, soul, all together. You vibrate, your whole being vibrates, from the toes to the head. You are no longer in control; existence has taken possession of you and you don't know who you are. It is like a madness, it is like a sleep, it is like meditation, it is like death."

"I have said that man is afraid of both sex and death. That's why they are taboos. No one talks about sex and no one talks about death. We remain silent about those two things. We have remained silent for centuries and centuries. They are taboo subjects, they should not even be mentioned. The moment they are mentioned, something starts trembling within us.

"It seems that there is a deep repression. That's why we have created substitute words. In the western world they do not say 'We are having sex.' They say 'We are making love.' It's a substitute word – and false, because love is a totally different dimension. Having sex is having sex, it is not making love. Love may include sex, but love has an altogether different quality.

"We never talk directly about death. If someone dies, we use substitute words. We say he has gone to the Father, or he has gone to heaven. Death is never faced directly.

"We have created many false phenomena around death and sex. If two people are going to be married, sex is not even mentioned – and they are going to be married for sex! We have created a great illusion around marriage, but the bare, naked fact is sex. We have created a ritual, a great ritual of marriage, just to hide the fact. Why?

"Why is there a taboo about only these two things? They are deeply related. The reason for their relationship is this: first, you are born out of sex, birth is sex. And birth and death are two poles of one thing. In birth, death is hidden. That's why man became aware of the deep relationship between sex and death. Death cannot happen without sex, just as birth cannot happen without sex."

 


"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." Shakespeare

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCqtX3EPGsnmWjK76m5Vpbw

 

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On 23.1.2019 at 1:43 AM, LordFall said:

@universe Thank you, that sounds very accurate. Every time she does I feel like I'm not enough and I'm not attracting her and I need to go to the gym, be more of a man, etc. 

A lot of Leo's videos touch on this but do you have one in particular or stuff I can look up to reflect on this further? 

Yeah he has a whole range of videos targeting this issue. It ultimately boils down to accepting, letting go and being grateful.

I would also recommend the Sedona Method for releasing negative energy in your body. Im sure youll find something on google or maybe even a mental coach who can help you with this.

One video that comes to mind is this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYZmK46--Mc

When she doesnt want to have sex, dont go into a mental train about how bad this situation is. Instead Id recommend these thoughts: "Great, now we can have more time for meaningful communication and getting to know each other" or "Cool now I can take a nap and get up in the morning feeling energized and fresh". Whatever, just appreciate that you now have time to do even cooler stuff than having sex. Work on your life purpose or whatever you like.

 

@MsNobody

Great read! What would you say does it mean when a girl doesnt look me in the eyes during sex? Haha.

 

Edited by universe

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