Fucking up

[MisterMan]

**Rant

Today is not a good day. Currently splitting up with business partner. My car is broken. 

And whilst i was living with someone else so i could get my shit together i got multiple speeding tickets which also accrued 3 fines for driving without registration. Because they were speeding camera's i was never notified of the situation. So continued driving and getting more and more of them until a cop pulls me over for driving without rego where i finally find out. But by then i had already been stung 3 times. Which totaled over 3 grand in fines.

And because i had moved around so much and the Governments inept ability (no coincidence as they make more money) of not emailing or texting you when your rego runs out.
Phone companies, everyone texts you when you're late. Not the government! No they still fly pigeons out to tell you you're late.

I'm now on a payment plan to sort the shit out. OK that's sorted. But my car i spent triple what it's worth and I'm going to have to spend 2 grand to fix it again. The mechanic won't be able to get to it until next week. But i need to work, i need a car. 

As luckily still have work coming in. I have managed the last week catching public transport to work and finishing off my remaining jobs.

I get a call today for a quote. So i figure i'll rent a car for a week and take care of business.
Today i figured i could rent-a-bomb to quote the job for 27 a day and take car of business. I go there. I forget my fucking licence and obviously you need a licence to rent a car. I also left my phone at home so i couldn't Uber.  So i'm stranded and have to get a taxi called from the place.

At this point the amount of money i spent and time i've wasted for NOTHING. Just fuels my rage. I've been diagnosed as having c-ptsd. And when shit like this happens when i suffer from my own fucking stupidity it just fucking makes me so ffurious. Tears. Just fucking loathing.

So i'm feeling that but i'm keeping it as together as i can. I go home and find out that i've apparenltly LOST my licence. So now i have to wait 2 weeks till i get my licence. I can't rent a car, can't do shit. And whats worse i would have just stupidly misplaced it somewhere. Forgot about it and just went on about my business daydreaming like a fucking idiot. And now i suffer for it despite my best efforts.

And what pisses me off is it's stupid mistakes that are easily avoidable. I am extremely forgetful to the point my ex thinks it's a precursor to dementia or something. I agree.

And this type of shit happens often, and it sets me off like nothing else. It's as if all the c-ptsd shit when i was young my father would make every little mistake as traumatic as possible. They would over react, yell and scream when you drop a bucket of water outside or something. Humiliate, belittle you. And every time this sort of thing happens, all those feelings come up of anger, resentment. Your eyes just pop out, nostrils flare up as I remember. And that just sends me off. 
But i'm helpless at the same time  because i can't fix the problem, when something is lost. You are just helpless. And i always lose shit. That just fucking sets me off even more.
I want to break down and fucking cry and just fucking destroy myself.

How the fuck do you deal with this?

Edited January 22, 2019 by MisterMan

[Average Investor]

As far as the cameras you can represent yourself in court and make them prove you were actually operating the vehicle. A lot of those cameras really don't hold much in the court room. I see you already set up a payment plan, so probably not a whole lot you can do on that now. 

As for car work if the car is not worth that much don't bother. Use all of your local buy and sell apps until you find a $500 running and driving camry or civic. Get the licence back, or buy a bike until then. 

Try some lions mane mushroom to help with some of the memory. I notice with myself I tend to have extremely poor memory when I am anxious, or depressed. Work on those before you worry about the anger in my opinion. 

 

Work on changing the mindset to positive. Get some exercise and try to eat better. Just that alone should help your memory and concentration.  I feel for you as life hands out some bad cards, but the only way to get past it is too keep trying. And try a new route. Doing the same thing usually gives you the same result. 

Edited January 22, 2019 by Average Investor

[MisterMan]

The last 9 months, split up from missus that had planned on getting married. Had the ring and all. This was the time i started getting into more of the actualised stuff. Not just him. Meditation, visiting bhudist temples that had free meditation classes and stuff. Really got into the theory of it. It was always like that but eventually i saw the fallacy of my ex's vision. She barely had her shit together and wanted more responsibility with marriage and children when she would easily get overwhelmed by small things. Me too. So it didnt work out.

It was tough on me because i always wanted to do right by her. We left, the place we were renting at wouldn't aqccept my on my own. Once the lease ended i stayed at a friends for 4 months. Which was great, never fought, got a long really well and went to the gymn every day. Ultimately dropping to 5 times a week. Got very fit, and at only steak, salad and started loading on carbs so my body would absorb more protein into it's muscles.

After the 4 months found a place, this is when the next part of the relationship of when i was unhealthy ended. In the business partnership which was another dinosaur or another relationship that was built on faulty premises from my old mind which made those decisions on poor psychological understanding of my own personal boundaries and allowing him to cross them too easily. This caused a lot of resentment.

Now that it's over i initially felt a big sense of relief despite having to catch public transport to work as a tradesman that runs his own business.

It's very hectic at the moment. But there sure is a lot of change happening. I've currently also applied for a coaching gig for football (the world game) or soccer for all you heretics. As i'm 32 and played at a high level and believe i have a lot to offer the young ones. Especially psychologically as i have a good understanding of the psychological barriers faced as an athlete where doubts creep in. To be able to see that in the young ones and guide them out of it so that they can focus on what's important. There are really many parallels from football, or playing any sport or doing any activity to life. You must face similar hurdles where you face your own limitations/self limiting beliefs. So I have a training session tomorrow i am participating in as a trial to see if i get accepted as a coach for a football academy. Very excited about this. But at the same time things are very overwhelming.

I also have a album i've been working on for 3 years already. Only 4 tracks! Collaborations and such as i only do the instrumental beats on a lofi-hip hop album based on self help type of shit. Like projection, the self not existing. these topics that reflected my own state of being as i was made means a lot to me and i'm nearly done the creative part. Just finishing the last song. After that i go to the studio.

A lot is happening but at the same time it feels like nothing is happening. As i still feel the same.

 

There have been many threads i've created for help on things that just get outright ignored. So thanks for replying. I'll make sure to check those mushroom things. As for excercising and eating better, i have done that. However i am addicted to opiates which kind of keep me on the same level of conciousness on loop. I'm having a very hard time letting it go. I just want to feel better and don't have faith in the process that things will "just get better" if you be with it. How?

Edited January 22, 2019 by MisterMan

[Average Investor]

@MisterMan A lot of that stuff you're dealing with is the same type of hurdles you want to help others get over. That's cool with the lofi stuff! I have been listening to a lot of that type stuff lately. 

In my experience with business partners it has never gone well. Typically I only went to them because they had something I needed and not because I wanted that person per say. But even if so people become very greedy, even myself in the situations. People want to look after them self first, so consider an employee over a partner in my experience. Out of about 5 business partners I have had I have one that became a friend and we have been for 5 years. And still never meet him in person. 

I think you will find a lot of your issues are stemming from that opiate addiction. You could try to use kratom as an alternative and get yourselfaway, but keep in mind that kratom is an opiate too. Thing with kratom is though that you will get sick trying to get high typically, so it can keep you a bit away in that sense and does have withdraw effects. 

The grass is always greener and you have to get through the bullshit to get to the good stuff in life from my experience. Take the ride and just try to point the car in the right direction

Edited January 22, 2019 by Average Investor

[MisterMan]

Update! So as a result of looking for my license. I find out that I am suspended! For a further 4 months! They literally didn't tell me. I've been driving 2 months unknowingly. I was on a year good behaviour bond, and the last 10 days. I get done. Which are the rego speeding tickets. 

 

I have a trade business with tools and building materials, i've just separated from my business partner. I really don't know what to do.

Edited January 23, 2019 by MisterMan

[MisterMan]

Everything is falling apart, wtf. How is it just so completely falling apart like this?

[MisterMan]

10 hours ago, Average Investor said:

@MisterMan A lot of that stuff you're dealing with is the same type of hurdles you want to help others get over. That's cool with the lofi stuff! I have been listening to a lot of that type stuff lately. 

In my experience with business partners it has never gone well. Typically I only went to them because they had something I needed and not because I wanted that person per say. But even if so people become very greedy, even myself in the situations. People want to look after them self first, so consider an employee over a partner in my experience. Out of about 5 business partners I have had I have one that became a friend and we have been for 5 years. And still never meet him in person. 

I think you will find a lot of your issues are stemming from that opiate addiction. You could try to use kratom as an alternative and get yourselfaway, but keep in mind that kratom is an opiate too. Thing with kratom is though that you will get sick trying to get high typically, so it can keep you a bit away in that sense and does have withdraw effects. 

The grass is always greener and you have to get through the bullshit to get to the good stuff in life from my experience. Take the ride and just try to point the car in the right direction

Thanks for listening. Yeah it's like everything is going down. Falling apart. Now i find my license is suspended. FFFucking hhelll. 

It's like everything is crumbling away. Like you said, the business relationships never generally last in person. It is generally a healthy thing it has ended. Big weight off my shoulders has lifted but it has happened at a bad time. Where all this stuff has happened. One after the other. 

 

Like that story about the old guy and the son who breaks his arm. The neighbours say oh how unlucky! You have lost your son in the busiest time of the season. You must be livid! He says, maybe, who knows. 

The next day the army comes along and since his son has broken his arm he gets out of having to join the army. The neighbours say "how lucky you are". He says, maybe, who knows. 

 

And it just keeps on going like this for a while. To assert the message that it could be unlucky. But who knows whats around the corner. 

Hrmmm. That is a good point. Me. Thanks me. That legit makes sense. And makes me feel better.

Maybe i'll lay off the opiates and try and hook myself onto some of these...thoughts.

Edited January 23, 2019 by MisterMan

[MisterMan]

10 hours ago, Average Investor said:

@MisterMan A lot of that stuff you're dealing with is the same type of hurdles you want to help others get over. 

What would you suggest this means?

Edited January 23, 2019 by MisterMan

[Average Investor]

@MisterMan

Well, it could be a good way to do some exercise. So hopefully your travel needed isn't extreme. And you're right I have had many times in life where something "Bad" happened and it turned into something much better down the road.  Work on the positive mind set. Something is only "BAD" if you define it as such. You have the power to determine what you want to be bad. 

 

If you can keep the business going, then do it. A lot of the time being in a struggle is going to put you in a mode to get shit done. And if it didn't happen, then everything would just keep going at the same pace. 

 

I just ended my relationship the other day and had some mild depression lurking from it. I got sick the day after and am still dragging on into being sick for about a week now. I am still trying to bust my ass into gear to start making changes in my life. I have to build a drive to keep moving. Even though I ended that it was very tough. But I knew my partner was only going to slow my growth and she had some abusive qualities. The same thing can happen in any relationship or business. My experiences with them were only small scale. But I've tried out quite a few businesses at this point. 

2 minutes ago, MisterMan said:

What would you suggest this means?

I am meaning by you wanting to teach others how to get over hurdles for sports that you have to leap over similar hurdles life. For example maybe I will be able to help you get over this hurdle, but maybe not. Something else or someone might change that. Even you can change that and get over the hurdle yourself. 

[MisterMan]

This was. Is helpful.