I think my sister is going to become homeless by choice.

[CreamCat]

I've almost mastered fundamentals of life such as sleeping, food, meditation, deep work, and doing nothing. I can feel that I'm heading toward a financially stable future.

However, my sister is heading toward the opposite direction.

She is very poor at the fundamentals of life. She goes to bed late. She doesn't wake up early. She doesn't brush her teeth as often as she needs to. She doesn't meditate. She eats junk foods. She can't focus on one thing. She is not capable of single-tasking or deep work.

In my mind, the only way to fund her lifestyle till her death is to marry a rich sucker. However, she doesn't want to marry, either. She doesn't want to make money. From time to time, she just takes one-day jobs that don't pay much. She just wants to be lazy and wish everything will be all right. This is not going to work.

If she doesn't want to marry a rich sucker or make money herself, she's going to become homeless by choice. Currently, our parents fund her lazy life. After our parents die, I cannot and am not going to support her sloth life

Watching a family member becoming a bum is not a pleasant experience. Sadly, I cannot envision a way out. Perhaps, the threat of homelessness will at least make her take part-time jobs. She could become so much more if she took initiative and used the super computer that is her brain.

Edited January 18, 2019 by CreamCat

[Leon_Mao]

If she's attractive she probably doesn't have much to worry about. I understand you concern though, the process of changing someone's behavior is a hard task, sometimes impossible. I have a family member that's living on their parent's back and they're in their forties. Unless something happens to them that shakes them to their core, or someone can help them implement habits (consciously or unconsciously) don't expect much. I don't know her, but if you can make some of the tasks you view as necessary fun and/or easy that will encourage the behavior. The mediation and junk food is the least of her worries for now, the work ethic is what's important. The rest can come later when she has the luxury of having time and money to do those thing if she wants to. You say you've mastered the fundamentals of life, but I highly doubt that unless your a very special individual. Even if you have I doubt your ego is gone, as a lot of people on here seem to strive for. Focusing on yourself and what you can change is more important than dealing in others affairs unless they directly affect your goals. I'm a bit jaded on this topic, because most of my immediate family is like this, male and female. It's like watching the poor eat the poor, it's kind of poetic when I think about it. 

[CreamCat]

8 minutes ago, Leon_Mao said:

You say you've mastered the fundamentals of life, but I highly doubt that unless your a very special individual.

My standard of mastery is not that high. I find myself consistently going to bed and waking up at a fixed schedule. I also find myself meditating for 20 minutes ~ one hour every day. I can focus on one thing for hours at a time without much difficulty. That counts as mastery of basic fundamentals of life.

Also, killing ego is practically impossible. Practically, you can reach temporary ego death during meditation sessions or on psychedelics. I'd rather want a healthy ego.

Edited January 18, 2019 by CreamCat

[Leon_Mao]

Standards are arbitrary, but my point remains on focusing on yourself. Those things are good that you listed, but the point about your sister remains, she won't change unless crisis hits or the things you want can be made fun and/or easy. I am not going to debate on what level of mastery you're at it is irrelevant to me.

Edited January 18, 2019 by Leon_Mao

[Shadowraix]

Let your sister hit rock bottom.

She'll know what to do if she really wants out of it.

[YaNanNallari]

I'll write the following a bit arrogantly, but. If you look at it, from her point of view it only makes sense to do what makes her happy. You're asking her to crash and burn most likely. The success, the money, the healthiness wouldn't bring her joy. Her joy comes out having validated emotions, which is a completely normal thing. It comes out of allowing her to be how she is. Trying to run away from her emotions, to do this and that what other people want, isn't exactly a good idea when there's a better choice of attempting to heal. She must be going crazy by now if she has been told her whole life that she should not like how she is and instead just work from fear even when she doesn't have to for now.

[Krisena]

One person's idea of a functional life isn't necessarily another person's idea of a functional life. I don't know your sister, but based on your minimal description, she sounds like a normal young adult. The complaints you bring up about her seem incredibly minor. I'm sure she has her own way making it around the world, and if she doesn't, life will give her a wake-up call eventually. In any case, imposing your own standards on other people will only annoy them and they'll defy you just to annoy you in return.

[SOUL]

What if she is already 'enlightened' and experiences the cessation of self suffering while you are just trying to 'master' it and still suffering? Heh

Edited January 18, 2019 by SOUL

[CreamCat]

@Krisena She knows she's not functional. She just can't help being distracted by something. Watching random recreational videos for days at a time is not going to help make money, no matter how you present it.

Acquiring access to money is an obligation for everyone in this era. You will be forced to make money in undesirable ways if you don't find a way to acquire access to money your way.

Most of the time, she watches recreational videos. Sometimes, she tries to study, but she fails because she's always distracted by recreational videos, phone calls with friends, and going to church. I can see that her ego always finds a way to avoid looking into the core issues of her own life.

Perhaps, she better hit rock bottom sooner than later.

Edited January 18, 2019 by CreamCat

[kieranperez]

This is such a black and white portrayal of someone's future. First off, I'd say lay off your judgment and moralization of your fantasy of your sister and how you imagine she need be. Most often people go homeless because of things such as severe drug addiction. 

People can change over time and evolve. They don't need to take some direct self-help route. She doesn't need to work towards enlightenment or be massively successful. This black and white picture of her either going homeless or she turns it around and earns a lot of success is a juvenile assessment. 

If I were you I'd take some time to unwire your projections and judgments of your sister. That's her life. She will do with it however she will. Love and accept her for how she is. Start actually cultivating some compassion. 

Also don't confuse blind habits like going to bed early and waking up early, cold showers, blah blah blah for actual personal growth. Habits are not growth. Often it's just people sleeping on mundane rituals. 

Not everybody has to be enlightened, successful, etc. accept the mundane and love the mundane. 

You're not above your sister. 

[CreamCat]

12 minutes ago, kieranperez said:

This black and white picture of her either going homeless or she turns it around and earns a lot of success is a juvenile assessment. 

I think you're misunderstanding. I never said anything close to that. I just want her to achieve some basic success in order to live at least an ok life.

At this rate, I wouldn't be surprised if she became homeless in 10~20 years. I say this because if I lived like her, I would expect myself to become homeless in a decade or two.

I remember Leo saying you should focus more on basic survival. That's what I want my sister to do. Focus on basic survival.

Edited January 18, 2019 by CreamCat

[kieranperez]

Just now, CreamCat said:

I think you're misunderstanding. I never said anything close to that. I just want her to achieve some basic success in order to live at least an ok life.

Accept her. She doesn’t need to be the way you want her to be. This is just a projection of your wants and expectations. If anything, everything you’re writing has more to do with you than her. Accept and love her. Offer a helping hand but if she rejects your help then that’s her. Love her fully whether she’s a bum or a success. A Zen master can still accept, love, and be with people even if they’re asleep, don’t meditate, etc. Make that a test of your acceptance. Love and accept the person in front of you (your sister). 

[CreamCat]

@kieranperez I think acceptance is where we start. I think I'm already going past acceptance phase since I don't try to change her. That doesn't mean improvements cannot be thought of.

Edited January 18, 2019 by CreamCat

[Shadowraix]

5 minutes ago, CreamCat said:

That doesn't mean improvements cannot be thought of.

You sure that isn't just you delving into a mental fantasy of what you wish she'd be?

You still want her to be some way. Accepting your efforts won't do any good doesn't necessarily mean you accept how she is.

[CreamCat]

2 hours ago, Shadowraix said:

You sure that isn't just you delving into a mental fantasy of what you wish she'd be?

You still want her to be some way. Accepting your efforts won't do any good doesn't necessarily mean you accept how she is.

Maybe. I may just give up trying to change others' life situations and focus on helping myself.

Edited January 18, 2019 by CreamCat

[Joseph Maynor]

Write down a list of 20 things you can do to help your sister.  Then triage that list from most urgent to least urgent.  Circle the top 3 things on the list.  

Edited January 18, 2019 by Joseph Maynor

[EternalForest]

Go with her to the mall one day, walk around and talk to her about her life and what she wants to do in it. Don't judge, just ask curiously. She may have more things planned out than you realize and be better off than she appears. But at the end of the day, it is her life and she can choose what to do with it and you must accept that.

[Charlotte]

@CreamCat I'm assuming your concerns do come from a place of love but let me tell you something as I've been in the same situation but with my brother.

Accept her for what she is. She is exactly where she needs to be. If radical change (if any) has to come about through deep suffering then so be it. 

[Salvijus]

One thing that she's lacking is a meditation practice.

[Shadowraix]

2 hours ago, CreamCat said:

Maybe. I may just give up trying to change others' life situations and focus on helping myself.

One advice I have gotten on this forum that I found really valuable is if you want to help people, then improve yourself and people will want to know how you got where you are. They'll be receptive by seeing the quality of your life. You don't need to give up on helping people altogether, but they have to want you to help them for you to be able to do so.