flowboy

Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

790 posts in this topic

Less Anxiety, Better Planning

Just planned my next month.

I feel like I've really leveled up. I effortlessly sort items from various lists by importance in my mind.

This would have given me a major panic, or at least taken me several stressful days, even 6 months ago.

There's missed items left over on my google calendar that I gotta collect, then some stuff from my 2020 planner, then there's my Important-Non-Urgent list, then my Urgent list, and then there's 2 current projects I'm working on, namely cleaning up my files and of course working on my business.

How to sort through all that? I effortlessly just decided: per day where I have about 4 hours, one business item and one other item.

Simple. Elegant.

Then: first the leftover stuff from calendar (only 2 things), then the urgent list, then the rest. Sorted the rest using my google sheets system. Already pre-estimated. Only needed to put it on a date and mark it as planned.

The whole thing was done in 45 minutes!

Also I've learnt to never plan ahead more than a month, because of exponentially increasing randomness and unpredictable entropy.

 

Why am I suddenly able to do this?

  • I'm less perfectionistic: so what if some things don't get planned in the most precise priority order. What matters is being decisive.
  • I'm no longer super anxious to miss anything
  • I trust my brain to do the work for me, instead of having to compulsively think everything through logically.

Part of this is of course practice and repetition. But I also have used specific affirmations for these fears, and I think they worked :)


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

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You've earned a new badge: Wet Dream

Wet dreams are your body's natural way of getting rid of old sperm. It's indeed been over a month since I last came. After 30 days they usually come back. Achievement unlocked. I feel like a horny teenager again.

Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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I could NOT get to sleep last night because I was too happy. Tried everything: 30 minutes of yoga to exhaust myself (didn't work), an overdose of ashwaganda, hops tea, listening to boring talks while eating foods that normally make me tired... All to no avail.

Today, I am substantially sleep deprived, but still getting things done like a champ. I rated my performance at 95% today.

Love is a strange drug :x


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

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1 "tablespoon" (retarded metric, supposedly 5 grams) of cocoa powder contains 11 - 20 mg of caffeine. Let's go with the worst case.

A 100 gram chocolate bar of 85% purity then has 85 grams of cocoa. Which then has 85 / 5 * 20 = 340 mg of caffeine.

Which is like 3 cups of coffee O.o

Yeah, no surprise they don't advertise that >:(

I've been eating half of these daily, sometimes even most of it.

Guess I wasn't fully caffeine free yet, even though I wasn't having any coffee or tea.

I'll keep it to one tiny square a day then ?

Like some kind of civilised person:S

Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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Fasting until 14:30 today.

I really like being fasted. It makes me sharp, energetic, and aggressive. Especially the surge of energy is what I appreciate. I usually get hunger pangs a couple times before ketosis kicks in. Then I feel great. Very alert, clear and intense.

I find that ginger tea with a little magnesium and curcumin helps.

My hands and whole body are tingling and buzzing with energy. Feeling a bit similar to after I do Wim Hof breathing. Which I still do every morning. Will post habit tracker progress soon.

Honestly, for work I'm going to have to tone it down a little. ("It's nonsense. This solution is just wrong. It's BULLSHIT!")

Extremely disagreeable. But it's a trait I value anyways.

It's not the same as being in a bad mood because I'm hungry. I feel great. The bad mood thing is for sugar addicts.

The only catch is that there's a lot of physical energy as well. A small workout helps.

Did a tabata of sit-ups.

 

Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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Reactions To Video

Your method works super well by the way ?  (with picture) - Friend D.

I really like this way of working. - Friend J. the psychologist

I advised your method today to a patient with ADHD - J. the psychologist

 


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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I can tell that working on my business 5-6 days a week, even if it's only for an hour, is much better for me than forcing 2-3 fulltime days.

The context sticks better. Because I'm immersed for some time every day, I know all the next things that need to happen.

Additionally, sitting down to work after work is still a bit of a drain on my willpower. Not much, but I tend to be tired after a day of programming and would rather chill.

I'm intelligently expanding my comfort zone. I get a feel for what I could easily do, what would be stretching it, and what I could do but then as a result would feel entitled to all sorts of destabilizing rewards, and will probably also take a multi day break and have trouble getting back in.

So I find the sweet spot. I stop when I feel like I could still do some more. That way, I also have some willpower left to reward myself in a healthy way. Maybe today I only do 1.5 hours of working on the website / social media profile. So much to do, but I have to take into account how much I don't like it and still have to get used to it. So 1.5 hours is fine. Perhaps tomorrow a bit more. Perhaps not. Consistency is much more important.

 

My new schedule is awesome. I suddenly have a built-in daily time to focus on what I'm trying to accomplish. I can now see how important that is.

So funny, when I researched how people managed to start businesses while working a job, I found that most of them spend about 2-4 hours a day. And my perfectionistic brain thought: "That can't be enough for ME", and invented a different, more complicated scheme. Turns out the more complicated scheme isn't usually the best one, especially when it doesn't come from experience.

Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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Posting on social media actually works!

Someone just contacted me and asked to pour her heart out to me, because what I had written sounded so familiar.

She's going to try out the tip from my video, and wants more.

We set up a video call date. She could become my client, even! I'd feel weird asking for that much money with a friend-of-friend, maybe. But in any case, this is a great opportunity to get to know my market better:D

Already got two chats set up. Haven't even finished the website yet. Can hardly believe my luck.


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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Caffeine Withdrawals

Roughest caffeine withdrawals since I last quit. When I quit everything but dark chocolate (not realising how much that still contributed), I was already getting tired and headaches. Now that I eat very little chocolate too, it's just rough. Nothing feels fun. Everything is bleh.

Admittedly, not going cold turkey (using dark chocolate) makes it more bearable?. But it also draws out the bleh time.

My attention doesn't get absorbed into tasks like it normally does. So today I struggled with some hard programming problems that I barely understood, but I got past them. Normally I would have enjoyed that. Now, it's like whatever, let's go for another walk.

I have SERIOUS trouble understanding graphs, hierarchies, schemas, and visual explanations. They just go over my head. It's a problem.

I thought I could have coffee once a week, so I went ahead and bought some. Today I changed my mind. It's just a clever way of the addiction to work itself back in.

Just going to power through. In 2 weeks, I'll feel better every hour of the waking day, than on the peak of a caffeine high.

Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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Still felt extremely groggy and unmotivated upon waking, but it's nothing some Wim Hof Breathing, a freezing cold shower and a tiny bit of 1P-LSD won't fix:D

And before I knew it, my bed was freshly made and my floor was vacuumed and mopped :o

Interesting how I attached I was to the frustration that usually came with household tasks. This time it was just enjoyable. None of the usual stress at all.

Is it possible that these judgments, complaints, criticisms, resentments are meaningless mechanisms whose sole purpose is to help me avoid feeling tremendously good, loved, valued, inspired?

- Carolyn Elliott

Getting a sense for the depth of that question.

 

I walk to the store with some happy, peaceful tunes in my ears. I get a bit of an intuition for the vastness and expansive joy that would be, if I allowed myself to enjoy every particular experience. Even the ones that conventionally are regarded as uncomfortable.

I love to look at all the different people. I contemplate how everything is perfect the way it is.

 

Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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Look at that perfect looking breakfast. I didn't even plan for it to be a triangle ?

16150356310546911232475616818571.jpg


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

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If dating were food, this is the most nutricious, complete, filling and delicious meal that I could ask for.

And I'm not gonna spoil my appetite.


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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Had a wonderful angry run this morning. It's an orgasmic sort of rage that tends to propel me forward when I do a run and listen to music. Eminem is great for that. I had a feeling this was going to be a very masculine day filled with self chosen pain and challenge.

However, the rest of the morning was very smooth :) finished doing my taxes early. It was such a big thing in my mind, but I'm becoming way better at simplifying and doing things efficiently.

I think in my next place to live there is definitely going to be a heavy bag to hit. Really enjoy that masculine rage energy when working out.

But not before I get one of these...:external-content.duckduckgo.com.jpg

Brain is coming back online slowly! Even before I've eaten, I can already read and process information at reasonable speed again. Huge improvement since a couple days ago.

Is it the running that helped?

Had a very pleasant coaching call with @Eva, who is going to help me declutter digitally and physically. Such a nice vibe. I'm excited!

Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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It works! After 5 days of not being able to brain properly, I finally feel like I have adequate dopamine levels.

I'm focused on what I'm doing, motivated, not easily distracted and not tempted to go get drinks or food all the time. Just feeling strong and productive. I have 20 grams of chocolate a day now, which I think is very minimal. Not doing the supplements currently. They work kind of, but not when I use them every day it seems.

Being more physically active definitely has helped. I'll have some more ups and downs probably, but I'm glad I powered through and didn't start back on coffee again. This already, what I have now, is a better quality of focus than I have with it.


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On less than 7 hours of sleep, I apparently am so impaired that I might as well be drunk. I'm not exaggerating. This is something I have to remember.

In the evenings it can sometimes seem like it won't make that much difference tomorrow if I stay up for a little longer.

(I do think I had a good reason though - I was on the phone with the woman I'm in love with, and we can really talk for hours and it goes by like nothing, we turn each other on, make each other laugh and it's just really pleasurable to enjoy each others company even at a distance. So no regrets there. But next time I can do that an hour earlier.)

Next time I somehow miss out on sleep, I will just take my power nap at the start of the day - it just is required. There is no "pushing through sleepiness", not in this job. With physical labor that might work. Not programming.

Maintaining Balance - Keeping Chaos Meter low

✅I was now behind on my monthly plan, so I cut 7 unimportant things and moved everything around on the planner until it all is easily doable again. I find that I don't work well when I have too much planned on a day at all - I only work well when it all seems easily doable. Of course there's an emergency mode for things with a hard deadline, but that's not applicable here. I'm building something for the future, and currently I'm the only stakeholder.

✅I did the same for my work schedule - moved everything until I only had one thing planned per day. I find that enough gets added on the day itself usually, that any more would be too much.

At this point I reward myself with a bit of dark chocolate?

✅My inbox has been piling up with ideas I wrote down and notes I took from meetings - this also is a source of stress, because I have a standard of keeping it empty now and I want to stick to it. I process everything within an hour.

some processing.png

Phew, much better.

That stack of notes was stressing me out. Gotta learn to write them in the right place immediately.

 

This is actually pretty cool what I just did for myself. One day of being a bit behind on the above things can easily cause a chain reaction and throw me into chaos and stress for weeks after, if I don't nip it in the bud. (butt?)

 

Progress?

Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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Hard Work

One thing is for sure: I definitely am capable of sitting at my desk for 10 hours and working really hard without any caffeine (or chocolate), having an uninterrupted focus almost the entire time.

This is such a big deal to me because I've always been told that I can't, and should take neurotoxic and addictive drugs. I at times was the loudest voice saying that, of course.

But to do that, I HAVE TO:

  • Open no unrelated websites during or even the morning before. None.
  • Don't use phone at all during or before
  • Eat very light. I had a fried egg and some nuts and fruit
  • Going for a run in the morning makes a huge difference

It's really like walking a tightrope. If I stray from that rule even for a moment, I'm screwed, and the rest of the day my productivity tanks so dramatically that even my colleagues notice. Which happened yesterday, and caused a trauma response in me. A lot of old shame and fears around getting "found out" and fired. (I've never been fired for such a reason in reality) I've also lied about what I had been doing. I had been doing everything but working, but I could not bring myself to confess that.

Anyway: the point is that today I made up for it and I definitely can do it, I just have to be really strict.

Well, boo-hoo. Everyone's life is hard in different ways. This is my thing. It's good practice though: impulse control is where I have a lot to gain.

Also, work is much more fun and satisfying this way. Life in general is much more satisfying and fun being completely focused on the current activity or moment. It's just a sneaky trap that makes it feel like a sacrifice.

I would call this progress :)

 

EDIT: And I found more energy afterwards, to actually do something for my biz and study my sales script for another 1.5 hours!

I think I'm beginning to find that "whole nother gear" all the kids on the entrepreneur forums are raving about.

Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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Hello, tremendous feeling of guilt and sadness. You have overtaken and paralysed me.

Thank you for being here.

What are you here to teach me?

That you are alone.

What does that mean?

You must make your decisions alone.

How do I prevent hurting my lover?

You can't, and you will.

What do you want to tell me?

That you've got a big stupid ego and you must not let it bullshit you like that.

It hurts the ones around you, it hurts you, it hurts your growth.

You were stuck, and I un-stuck you.

Am I a bad person?

Where are your smart-ass remarks now?

If someone asked you that, you'd have a whole speech prepared on how there is no such thing!

I'm shutting up now.

Am I a bad person?

Only you can know that.

I'm asking you.

You're a selfish person.

Is there a cure?

No.

Deart Guilt. You've made me cry a lot today. What else can I do?

....

Dear Tremendous Guilt. What is it like to be you?

Squeezing. It's hard work. Ungrateful work.

I have to squeeze and suffocate people until they pop.

What happens when they pop?

They see through their favourite kinds of bullshit.

*crying break*

 

Dear guilt. I can feel myself manipulating and being selfish with every word I write and think.

Then I've done my job.

Why am I so scared?

Because you don't know what's going to happen.

You don't know what you'll do wrong next, what your next fuckup will be,

you can't decide to make no mistakes and control reality.

You don't know where relationships will end and what they will survive.

You're terrified of being the reason, and you have no control.

Okay, Tremendous Guilt, what is the point of all this?

I don't even know whether I am asking the right questions.

That's because you are copying this method from your woman, in the hopes that it will impress her.

I don't know what else to do with you, guilt. I have no other methods besides running away in drinking and talking.

I did not say it was bad ;)

Just that you are in unknown territory, and you should humble yourself.

How do I humble myself and still be useful to people?

What makes you think that that's a contradiction?

Women feel safe when you are confident.

Are you?

No.

Fake confidence is not useful to anyone. Least of all yourself.

If you can't be confident, be authentic.

Right. Okay.

I guess I'd ask you again: how do I prevent this?

There's that manipulator again ;)

*deep breath*

How come you weren't there before I looked on the forum?

I WAS.

You were?

I wasn't gonna ruin your weekend for you.

I waited till the right moment.

You needed your perfect weekend with your lover.

A teaspoon of honey helps the medicine go down.

How do I stop manipulating so much?

LISTEN.

I've barely answered your question and you're already on the next one.

By listening.

If I promise to listen better, will you come back before I do something dumb again?

My promises are only as good as yours.

*chills*

Touché.

Okay, thank you, Guilt. I have seen why it was necessary to choke me today.

I see now that real honesty is not something you do to get rewarded for.

I've been too caught up in the "pretty" honesty. I thought I had it nailed down, but I didn't.

I was still picking and choosing.

There you go again. Making pretty speeches, hoping to get rewarded.

So good with the words, you smooth boy.

Do I even care about honesty?

I don't think you want to know the answer to that.

You certainly can't publish it on your blog.

Do I even care about honesty?

*pain in solar plexus area left side*

You think you do.

You care about survival and getting your needs met.

After that, you are as honest as you can, assuming it won't hurt your survival.

 

You care about the principle. But the principle is not the practice. The principle is pretty, the practice is ugly.

There's been so many times, uncountable, where I have been honest and expected the opposite of a reward.

That's right. I stood right there to whip you.

That's true, you did. So I don't care about honesty, I'm just avoiding your whip?

I am you.

So what are we doing then. How do we work together?

Honesty hurts your short-term survival but improves your life long-term.

I'll be there to whip you when you've gotten too obsessed with the short term.

You sound like that guy Alex from youtube.

I whip him too.

He likes it more than you. Screams harder.

I'll do my best to enjoy your whippings.

*pain moves to heart area*

I am still scared. How do I resolve that?

You are so scared because you are biased.

You resolve it by realizing that whatever decision she

makes, to forgive you or not, to stay with you or not,

it will be the right one.

Dear Guilt, if I fuck things up and make mistakes, am I still a man worthy of love?

You are being such a drama queen now.

Okay fine: Yes. But don't expect anyone else to think so.

Good advice. Thanks.

My pleasure.

 

 

Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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This is... it makes me cringe a bit because of the over-the-top hippie quality of it, but underneath it all, I think it's amazing and I want it. I would totally live here. Not ready right now, but perhaps in a few years.

I definitely will put this on my list of places to visit and see how it feels.

EDIT: damn it, now youtube knows I'm a hippie. Suggesting rainbow gathering documentaries. See you in 49 mins?

Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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