Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[flowboy]

49 minutes ago, tsuki said:

I think that your definition of freedom is at fault here. It is not possible to be free to do things. We can only be free from things that bother us, but not "externally free" in the sense of disposing of them, but internally free, as in: it does not bother us. What you seem to want is the power to do whatever you please with no consequences. This sounds very lonely, my friend.

I want to understand what you mean, but it's very hard. Of course it is possible to be free to do things, I'd say. For example, I am currently free to spend half my days working on a project that does not pay my bills, whilst living in a tiny studio apartment. But I am not free to spend all my days working on a project that does not pay my bills, whilst living in a large apartment and travelling to different places without worrying about money.

Quote

the power to do whatever you please with no consequences

I don't know about the no consequences. Yes, I want the power to do whatever I want, but I'll accept the consequences. Wouldn't everyone?

Quote

This sounds very lonely, my friend.

Why? You could be right but how, what does this have to do with loneliness? I would rather think it would enable me to hang out with other people who do much more interesting things with their lives than work a job.

49 minutes ago, tsuki said:

Do you mind sharing what you actually want to do, other than playing instruments, meditating and traveling?

Help adults with ADD cure themselves by becoming a great coach and researching every possibility to find out what works and what doesn't, and distill it all into a method that revolutionizes how psychiatry and society even look at this, and thus eradicates it. Write a book about it, if that helps.

Invent a revolutionarily better type of high school education and start a school. Write a book about that.

Donate millions to Paul Stamets's efforts to save the bees.

Start a private equity fund

Establish a new kind of spiritual living commune/community with like-minded people

Create a franchise new kind of co-working space.

Become great at business and try out the many more ideas I have saved up.

By the way, everywhere it says "new kind", I mean I have pages and pages about the idea, but I don't want to go into that much detail.

49 minutes ago, tsuki said:

They do not seem to need loads of money to do.

Don't they? At least enough to cover my living expenses, I would think. I can't currently do any 30 day retreats for example, my employer would not allow it.

Plus, I am only one man. There's many talented people currently working on missions that I want to support. I want to be able to support the causes that I find important, with substantial donations as well as putting in work.

49 minutes ago, tsuki said:

I have a suspicion that you actually want to be "better" by perfecting yourself. Don't get me wrong, not better than someone else, but being perfect, in a sense. The "finished" project of a person. This is a fantasy that will move the goalpost every time you approach it. 

I don't need to be perfect, but I do want to unlock what I know is my potential. And right now, that is being blocked by silly earthly constraints.

49 minutes ago, tsuki said:

To me, it seems like you really want to be loved and accepted, personally, for who you are. 

Yes, I think everyone does, that's nice, right?

I'm sorry that I don't fit into the stereotype of achiever who is secretly only looking for acceptance.

I often encounter people who give me this argument: "you can be happy with less, what do you really need money for, happiness doesn't come from money". In fact, my parents are that way. And I'm sorry but I'm not buying it. Those people are selfish and small-minded to me, because their fantasy is limited to doing things for themselves. The only possible reason to want money that they can think of, is to get themselves a new this, or a new that. They can't even conceive of wanting to impact the world and help people and animals out in a big way, and so they project that small-minded self-interest onto me, thinking I must be materialistic and selfish in my quest for power and prosperity.

No, in my view, people who do not try to become rich are the selfish ones. They could be helping to save the Amazon rainforest, save the bees, revolutionize education so that our next generations don't suffer the same indoctrination that we did. But instead, they simply work their dumb job, come home, drink their tea and masturbate on the idea of how good a person they are because they are happy with less. Donating a measly 4,50 a month to a charity of their choosing. Cancelling after 3 months, because they want to upgrade their phone plan. Need I go on? ?

Sorry for the rant, but you really asked to understand me, so I assume you can handle it

Edited January 10, 2021 by flowboy

[dharma-shishyah]

All hearts are restless, until they find rest in God. -- St. Augustine 

[flowboy]

@dharma-shishyah please don't spam my journal with low-value contributions like that. I welcome in-depth discussions and constructive feedback of course.

[dharma-shishyah]

I apologize.

[tsuki]

12 hours ago, flowboy said:

For example, I am currently free to spend half my days working on a project that does not pay my bills, whilst living in a tiny studio apartment. But I am not free to spend all my days working on a project that does not pay my bills, whilst living in a large apartment and travelling to different places without worrying about money.

I think that reading Epictetus would do you some good. Even though he was literally a slave, he was an extraordinarily free person.

What you are speaking of is not freedom, but power. Power is active in that it allows you to re-arrange things so that they don't bother you. It can be external in the sense that you can re-arrange your circumstances so that they are in conformity with your beliefs. It can also be internal in the sense that you can re-arrange your beliefs so that external circumstances don't bother you. Power requires effort, work.

Freedom on the other hand is the understanding of how circumstances and beliefs correspond to each other in the first place. In seeing that, there is no need to struggle, as everything is already as it should be, and as you always wanted.

Contrary to how it may seem, power and freedom are not mutually exclusive. The difference is that power is limited, while freedom is not.

12 hours ago, flowboy said:

Why? You could be right but how, what does this have to do with loneliness? I would rather think it would enable me to hang out with other people who do much more interesting things with their lives than work a job.

Do you hate yourself for having to work a job? 

At the very least, it sounds lonely because there are practically no people that are free to do whatever they please with their time. Not to mention that power has a way of corrupting people and I'm not entirely sure that the ones at the top are also the ones that are worth hanging out with. Remaining true to ones' self while being powerful requires extraordinary wisdom that is a greater treasure than any amount of power. If one had the wisdom in the first place, I doubt that they would seek power.

12 hours ago, flowboy said:

Help adults with ADD cure themselves by becoming a great coach and researching every possibility to find out what works and what doesn't, and distill it all into a method that revolutionizes how psychiatry and society even look at this, and thus eradicates it. Write a book about it, if that helps.

Invent a revolutionarily better type of high school education and start a school. Write a book about that.

Donate millions to Paul Stamets's efforts to save the bees.

Start a private equity fund

Establish a new kind of spiritual living commune/community with like-minded people

Create a franchise new kind of co-working space.

Become great at business and try out the many more ideas I have saved up.

Do you have a personal relationship with these ideas, or are they "just" ideas?

I realize now that I'm trying to understand your drive because I never got the idea of dreaming big. I mean, I had some dreams, like becoming a scientist, but they mostly turned out to be implanted by my parents, or formed in opposition to them. My wife would get very upset when I inquire for the reason of her dreams and she has some, albeit much more modest than yours.

When I think about it, I do have a dream of being wise, of living a good, happy, fulfilling life. My journey has shown me that this does not come from external accomplishments, but by being and expressing myself right now, in my current circumstances. Not 5 years ago, or in 10 years from now. Seizing opportunities in everyday interactions, in whatever opportunity that presents itself. I believe that this is all we get, regardless of the amount of power we have. How would I know how to express myself with billion dollars if I can't express myself with the amount that I have right now?

12 hours ago, flowboy said:

Plus, I am only one man. There's many talented people currently working on missions that I want to support. I want to be able to support the causes that I find important, with substantial donations as well as putting in work.

I don't get it. Why won't you simply work for someone that does things you want to help with? Does it rub you the wrong way when someone gives you tasks to perform? How different is it from getting tasks from your clients? If you're concerned with being unable to refuse, then perhaps become a contractor, or just stand by your integrity? I have no problem discussing tasks that are silly and expose their silliness to the team that I work with.

12 hours ago, flowboy said:

I'm sorry that I don't fit into the stereotype of achiever who is secretly only looking for acceptance.

Are you genuinely sorry, or just being cheeky?

If you are truly sorry for not fitting into the stereotype, then it would indeed imply that you want to be loved, given what you said about the conflicts that you have with your parents. They are stereotyping you, but I'm not your parents.

The fault that I may be committing here is that I am not really talking to you, but to myself. I was this achiever that wanted acceptance and once I learned to accept myself, I do not need to achieve anymore. I may be projecting things unto you, but I feel deep sympathy for you and I wish you the best. I know that I would fight the "achiever" stereotype relentlessly in the past if someone presented it to me explicitly. Mostly because I did not recognize my perfectionism for what it was, even though I read every book about it. The past me would either feel angry, devastated, or scared after reading this paragraph. Would doubt myself for some time too. This is why I'm holding back a little in this conversation, I don't want to hurt you given what you went through recently.

12 hours ago, flowboy said:

I often encounter people who give me this argument: "you can be happy with less, what do you really need money for, happiness doesn't come from money". In fact, my parents are that way. And I'm sorry but I'm not buying it. Those people are selfish and small-minded to me, because their fantasy is limited to doing things for themselves. The only possible reason to want money that they can think of, is to get themselves a new this, or a new that. They can't even conceive of wanting to impact the world and help people and animals out in a big way, and so they project that small-minded self-interest onto me, thinking I must be materialistic and selfish in my quest for power and prosperity.

And what if all evil in this world is done by people that want to do good for others without first realizing how to do good for themselves? By people so starved of love that they would do anything to get it and that justify horrible acts of cruelty so that others recognize them? Do you honestly think that Trump is openly selfish in this own mind? What if humans are incapable of selflessness unless they are properly selfish first? (These were rhetorical questions). Trump, for example, was abused by his father so that he would become a vessel of his fathers' legacy. I know how outrageous claims about childhood trauma are to self-governing people, but they are, in my experience, much more common than it is expected. Emotions really rule us, and our minds are but tools for justifying them. I know how ridiculous my justifications were, when I was dead-set on "helping" my wife out of "her" problems. Perhaps I'm committing to the same mistake in this conversation?

Paradoxically, freedom lies in realizing the true relationship with the mind and the heart. It is better to be a vulnerable child that is lost in the world, than to pretend to be invincible. 

12 hours ago, flowboy said:

No, in my view, people who do not try to become rich are the selfish ones. They could be helping to save the Amazon rainforest, save the bees, revolutionize education so that our next generations don't suffer the same indoctrination that we did. But instead, they simply work their dumb job, come home, drink their tea and masturbate on the idea of how good a person they are because they are happy with less. Donating a measly 4,50 a month to a charity of their choosing. Cancelling after 3 months, because they want to upgrade their phone plan. Need I go on? ?

Yes, do go on. I would like to hear whether there is any value in your mind to the 99% of humanity that do not follow your ideals. Because if you can't find any reason, sympathy, or understanding for the behavior of most men, then that is the very definition of loneliness. One could even say that you look down on most people that are not in the top 1%. It would very much coincide with your self-criticism, as you are merely a "wage slave" like the rest of us.

You are wrongly assuming that because I do not advocate for orienting one's life around seeking money, I am for seeking poverty. There is no nobility in poverty and no nobility in wealth. Money is a leverage for power, an ability to put little effort into having big effect. The question is whether the effect we want is really the one that is needed and beneficial. The other question is whether you really, truly, want to be entangled with the problems of the whole world by becoming humanity's savior. I wouldn't expect it to help you with your nicotine addiction.

As much as we need people that care for the bees, I find it quite improbable that there are many that truly, genuinely, care about them. It is much more common to care for your intimate company, and excuse my directness, you don't seem to have any. So who are you doing this for, exactly? I doubt it's the 99% of people you look down on, or the abstract ideal of the humanity itself. True love is not abstract, it is concrete and grounded.

12 hours ago, flowboy said:

Sorry for the rant, but you really asked to understand me, so I assume you can handle it

I guess, "If I can't handle you at your worst, I don't deserve you at your best" . No offense taken.

Edited January 11, 2021 by tsuki

[flowboy]

T+3days 19.5 hours: I wake up feeling quite depressed. It shocked me how far I have let this go. All because of a nicotine withdrawal and a breakup, I let my entire living space get dirty and messy, and did not provide any structure for myself. It's a miracle I don't feel worse, actually.

But enough is enough.

No craving for a cigarette this morning. I think I'm ready to remove coffee and alcohol. They go together for me as crude state management tools where abuse of one encourages abuse of the other.

I bought green tea, that I am letting myself drink for these next 3 days.

[flowboy]

2 hours ago, tsuki said:

I would like to hear whether there is any value in your mind to the 99% of humanity that do not follow your ideals. Because if you can't find any reason, sympathy, or understanding for the behavior of most men, then that is the very definition of loneliness.

I disagree. Whilst it is true that I don't think like most people, that does not mean I don't value them. You are hyperbolizing for some reason. What I am describing is a reaction that is common when I tell people this line of thinking: they start to give me their rationalizations for their lack of ambition. It is true that this strikes me as inferior: simply because their circle of concern is smaller. If they have enough, then screw the world.

Also, most people are in the same incredibly powerless position as me, but they do not see the same problems with it. They don't know that one weird accident or malicious lawsuit could ruin them. They don't know that they can't even afford to homeschool their kids if they wanted to. They don't know that their parents will rot away in a terrible care facility, unless they pay for a really expensive one, or take them in in a big house. Which they are not planning for. I'm just naming things from my life that make me feel like I need more power.

It also does not mean loneliness: I have always thought very different than most people, and whilst this does make it more difficult to make friends in a small pool such as high school, in life you attract people who think similarly or complementarily. I have plenty of those, who I talk to and see often.

Why do you assume I don't?

3 hours ago, tsuki said:

And what if all evil in this world is done by people that want to do good for others without first realizing how to do good for themselves? By people so starved of love that they would do anything to get it and that justify horrible acts of cruelty so that others recognize them?

What if --insert hyperbolized projection that serves me--?

You named Trump as what I think is a terrible example, but I guess you needed a strawman that was the epitome of evil.

Actually, people trying to do good for others while not doing arguably enough good for themselves, are more like Elon Musk. He is truly giving everything to save the human race in multiple ways, whilst not giving himself the time to have a love life, or even eat properly. And you know what? We need more people like him. He's single-handedly making himself responsible for huge world problems, and solving them, like how to get the world off fossil fuels. But there are more problems that we need people like that to take responsibility for. The waste problem. The need for a new economic paradigm. Pollution of the oceans. The decline of the rain forest.

I'm not saying that I or anyone else has to go to that extreme. I don't have that sort of drive, and not that level of brain power.

I'm not even saying that I or other people shouldn't try to do good for themselves first: that's exactly what I'm trying to do! Not sure where you are getting that. I definitely need some materialistic upgrades for myself so I can be more comfortable, and think bigger, without small problems like rent or the cost of a latte distracting me.

[flowboy]

4 hours ago, tsuki said:

The other question is whether you really, truly, want to be entangled with the problems of the whole world by becoming humanity's savior. I wouldn't expect it to help you with your nicotine addiction.

Yes, stresses may make it worse. They may not. Actually I don't know of many entrepreneurs or high impact people who smoke. But I see people with call center jobs smoke away every day. I'm not going to base my life decisions on the effects it could have on my nicotine addiction.

I'm also not saying I have to become humanity's savior. You just asked for things I wanted to do and I listed them. First, I listed things that I would enjoy having a lot of time for. Then you asked for things with a more concrete end state. They are the motivators for me improving my financial situation: that I get to live like this, and get to have impact like that.

4 hours ago, tsuki said:

Why won't you simply work for someone that does things you want to help with?

I would if I could, but it wouldn't be enough. Often, the causes I want to contribute to, are more in need of funds than people. I did ask.

If you're asking why I am not content working for someone else in general, it's because that feels like a waste of my time. I have a massive flood of creative ideas, and no help in executing them. Countless times I have seen someone else execute something I thought of 10 years ago, and it has worked. Or my predictions have panned out. Or my boss ignored my suggestion and failed miserably. So it's painfully obvious to me that selling time for money, executing the ideas of other more limited minds, is just a huge waste of my potential. I know this sounds arrogant. It's not. It's my experience.

Would I work for really great people who are actually a lot smarter than me and have a cause I can get behind? Yes.

Are they likely to hire me currently? No.

My resume is not impressive. I quit college 3 times after a couple of months. I'm better off proving myself first by making something happen on my own.

Edited January 11, 2021 by flowboy

[tsuki]

1 hour ago, flowboy said:

I disagree. Whilst it is true that I don't think like most people, that does not mean I don't value them.

Then tell me, explicitly, what do you value in other people? Why is it that the things they value is not enough for you?

1 hour ago, flowboy said:

What I am describing is a reaction that is common when I tell people this line of thinking: they start to give me their rationalizations for their lack of ambition. It is true that this strikes me as inferior: simply because their circle of concern is smaller. If they have enough, then screw the world.

Why do you think that the lack of ambition needs justification, or rationalization? As if people were valuable externally, only through what they accomplish in the world. This is entirely relative to you.

1 hour ago, flowboy said:

Also, most people are in the same incredibly powerless position as me, but they do not see the same problems with it. They don't know that one weird accident or malicious lawsuit could ruin them. They don't know that they can't even afford to homeschool their kids if they wanted to. They don't know that their parents will rot away in a terrible care facility, unless they pay for a really expensive one, or take them in in a big house. Which they are not planning for. I'm just naming things from my life that make me feel like I need more power.

Exactly! They see no problems with it! Why on earth would you trouble yourself with their problems that they don't even recognize? Why would you assume the responsibility over other people's lives? Why would you want to help people out of the self-created problems? This makes no sense! This is all you, your thinking!

I think that you are severely underestimating other people's capacity to take care of themselves, or think for themselves. I think that people are simply much more trusting because they haven't experienced what you did.

Are you comfortable with death? There is nothing in the world that you can do to prolong your separate existence in any form. Any project, or improvement of the world that you may want to undertake, will be gone. 10 years after you're gone, 100 years, 10000 years, doesn't matter. You will be a vehicle of change, but it will never be personal. Everyone you have ever loved will be gone at some point. Humans will either go extinct, or evolve into something you will not even be able to recognize given enough time. Any control we have over this world is a complete illusion. Everything, every single thing, is on fire, by design.

Isn't it obvious that trying to preserve the world has to be grounded in fear?  We are all afraid and work frantically on being alive and it's absurd when you look at it closely. There is no love in it, the only reasonable thing we can do is to witness the world, moment by moment. Not even remember the witnessing, as we're not able to take the memories with us. Just experience it. This is it.

1 hour ago, flowboy said:

What if --insert hyperbolized projection that serves me--?

You named Trump as what I think is a terrible example, but I guess you needed a strawman that was the epitome of evil.

Bringing up projections in a discussion is a very fine line. I feel like you are trying to dismiss what I said. I was being serious with Trump, NPD coming from childhood abuse is real and I strongly believe that he is a narcissist. There are no evil people. All behaviors are reasonable from within the paradigm they exist. Even though we seem to have opposite worldviews, I want to understand yours. It is incomprehensible to me. It does not compute. I've been there and I moved on, but I don't want to commit to pre/post fallacy and I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt.

1 hour ago, flowboy said:

Actually, people trying to do good for others while not doing arguably enough good for themselves, are more like Elon Musk. He is truly giving everything to save the human race in multiple ways, whilst not giving himself the time to have a love life, or even eat properly. And you know what? We need more people like him. He's single-handedly making himself responsible for huge world problems, and solving them, like how to get the world off fossil fuels. But there are more problems that we need people like that to take responsibility for. The waste problem. The need for a new economic paradigm. Pollution of the oceans. The decline of the rain forest.

When you neglect yourself, are not in touch with your true desires, it is not possible to help anybody. Feelings are the only reliable way of telling what you want and need. If you can't listen to them, then any idea that comes to your mind is not grounded in reality. I am very distrustful of Elon precisely because of that. It is painfully obvious to me that he does not feel himself. I see him as a funny puppet and a comedian that has a lot of money to toy with. Brilliant mind and business intuition? Sure, not denying that, but his preoccupation with "saving" the world is ridiculous. As if the world was meant to last! Ha! As if progress could liberate us! As if we could escape! Ludicrous!  Just look at his face, he's not there!

Edited January 11, 2021 by tsuki

[flowboy]

@tsuki I'll come back to you later.

 

This is what every surface in my house looks like right now. I also have not showered in multiple days.

I have work to do ?

[flowboy]

T+5d: Yesterday, cleaned up the mess. Today, I did a run in the park, which was my first workout in at least 3 weeks, possibly four.

I also managed to stay away from coffee, and just drink green tea.

Feeling very bleh and unmotivated - but chill. Possibly I'm unintentionally giving myself a sugar detox as well, I should take it one step at a time.

So this has been day 1 of 3 where I will just cut out coffee and alcohol. Then, I will cut out youtube and content.

Because I am consuming content like a maniac, and am using it as an escape from facing the amount of work I feel has been piling up.

I still feel depressed and not quite right in the head.

Approached A Girl In Sweaty Workout Clothes

That did not stop me from doing something awesome, however. During my run I spotted several women I found attractive. And then I just noticed the excuse-factory starting up, and then grinding to a halt:

"I'm in a relationship, it would be wrong."

No I'm not. Fuck.

"I'm busy right now, I need to finish my workout."

No I'm not, I am taking these days to recover.

"I'm not in the right headspace. My unbalanced neurotransmitter situation will fuck up the conversation flow."

So what. If I came close but chickened out, I will feel worse. If I do it, regardless of the outcome, I will feel amazing. And that will make me feel better about myself in the next days, and is also acting from a more empowered self-image.

So I approached a perfect 10, a tall 1.82m blonde gorgeous girl wearing a leather jacket and plateau boots, while she walked through the park with her friend.

And you know what? It really was not that scary. I suppose I have become cooler over the years

Observing The Flinch

It started with me jogging along, excited to be almost done with the workout, when a pretty face made strong eye contact with me, that belonged to a girl jogging in the opposite direction. I realised that was a sign of interest. "But too bad, I'm going in this direction." I heard myself think.

Then I stopped and realised how dumb that was. I could easily catch up to her, say hi, see how it would go, and continue my jog. Life is only rigid and boring if you make it so. Who says I need to run my regular route without any interruptions? No one!

I'm walking slowly, paralyzed with doubt. Because I can't sell myself on the need to skip this opportunity, I finally decide to jog in her direction. Hoping to catch up to her, but also kinda not hoping. I realize fully this is a self-sabotage strategy I have employed often. Doubting, wasting a tremendous amount of time, then finally making the bold choice, but of course it is too late. And that was really the goal. It being too late, and being able to tell myself "I would have if I could have". Sure buddy. This entire pattern of being faced with a bold choice, then shying away "thinking about it" until the opportunity has passed, it is a bullshit ego strategy that needs to go. In the past, it obviously protected me from getting more emotionally challenging feedback than I could handle. Thank you. But now I need to live on a higher frequency.

I jog through the entire park. Of course I don't see eye-contact girl again.

That's great, so I get to go home. Right?

But now I've already opened up the opportunity in my mind.

An extremely pretty, petite blonde girl puts on her facemask. I instinctively turn away from her and keep jogging.

Why not her, though? Because she looks too pretty and well put together, and I expect her to be mean? I expect her to be mean, because the pretty popular girls were mean to me in high school. Not even that mean. Just the popular chicks never resonated with me.

I think about it while I turn the corner, and decide to go back and talk to this blonde chick. As long as I'm already here doing something ballsy, why not make it really ballsy? When I get back to the place I saw her, she's gone. Of course. Relieved, I set course for home, when I see a glimpse of a really attractive face unlocking her bike. Wait, is she attractive? I go back to make eye contact with her. She is, but not exactly my type. I walk away again. Then she catches up to me with her bike. Or should I? I go towards her. Then change my mind.

She may have been a bit creeped out by my walking back and forth. It is what it is. I have to break this pattern.

I jog back through the park while I contemplate this pattern of hesitation, and how I really should break it.

Then I see two women talking on a bench. I pray: "please don't be pretty, because then I have to make myself talk to you. Please, can I just go home?"

The blonde is a real stunner. I realise this while I panic and keep walking. The same exact pattern repeats itself: I keep "thinking about" it, I keep imagining what it would be like to go for it, while I walk away.

But this pattern has to be broken! I turn around. These girls are stationary. I have a good chance of seeing them again. There is no excuse.

When I get to the bench, I am relieved to see that the 10 and her friend are gone. But then I see them walking. I walk towards them and catch up to them. I fail to say something and just keep walking, like they were just in my way. Realising my mistake, I stop at the end of the path, and pretend to stretch while they catch up to me. They walk past me, and I again fail to say something. Man. I'm too deep into this now. If I quit here, this would have been a very strange waste of time.

I catch up to them once again. I say hi. To my surprise, the friend and her stop instantly and smile while I talk to them. I feel very put on the spot and blurt out some random shit. She lets me know that she appreciates my approach and is seeing someone. I am cool with that and we wish each other a great day.

It's not that hard!! I know that if I were to do three of these short conversations in a row, I would get into a flow where my words make sense and I could really have fun and attract some people.

 

And indeed, it makes me feel great about myself afterwards. I look at some women in the street and think: "That's right, I have the power to talk to you now!"

I just feel really cool.

[flowboy]

I just went to pee, and one of these guys just flew out of my pants.

I could not find information about a spiritual meaning of the green lacewing specifically, so I'm going to interpret this as a sign of prosperity and good luck ?

As well as the physical damage and negative energy from smoking addiction leaving my body and being forgiven. Like a shamanic extraction.

I already feel better.

[flowboy]

Wim Hof Breathing subtly but unmistakeably altered my state. During the first two rounds, my body felt rusty and achy, like a piece of crumpled-up paper trying to stretch back into shape. The movement of full breathing felt awkward. After the second breath hold, I heard a high-pitched ringing and my hearing seemed to tune inwards. During the third round, my body felt smooth, supple, and the sensation of breathing had completely transformed. My body was automatically doing this movement of breathing, and instead of awkward and forced, it felt completely natural and symmetric. I was presented with a strong internal visual of the inside of my chest cavity, depicted as a hologram of gold and similarly colored rays of light, and I watched it perform this perfect circular breathing pattern. The body also felt super light, and I felt slightly detached from it, in a way that the visual in my mind's eye felt more important than the physical form. It's as if the sensation of lightness is there to say: the physical form is alright, don't worry about it for now. I realise now that this what a light dose of DMT does, too.

The emotional state change is profound, too. Before, I was slightly moody and preoccupied with my usual worries. During the practice and after: intense gratitude and optimism. Wow!

And all of that in under 10 minutes. Why did I not recognize before how valuable this is? I've done this or similar breathwork practices with friends, and kept it up for a week on several occasions. I have friends who do this every day. And yet I have undervalued it. I find it easier to value the effects of drugs such as DMT or green tea, than practices you do with just the body, like breathwork and yoga.

Perhaps it is because it is actually hard to remember altered states of consciousness. I think I remember, but do I really? With drugs like LSD, I remember some of the visuals, and some of the insights. But not how it felt to be in that state. From a regular, going-to-work waking state of consciousness, perhaps the only tangible feats to grab onto as proof that it was effective, are the side effects and the cherries on top.

 

[flowboy]

I came here to write something different. I just wanted to write my raw, scattered feelings down, because something really cool happened. However, my mind did its usual thing and started flexing its muscles, analyzing and building theories.

 

What if someone saw the parts of you that you never would have shown?

What if someone pierced and connected the two worlds you desperately tried to keep separate?

What if a real life person, made of flesh and blood and clothes and accessories, also could read my dirty secrets?

What if they read my crass accounts of going out to pick up girls, my endless neurotic ramblings about trying to get rid of addictions, even my account of putting a vibrator in my ass on psychedelics, and met all of that with acceptance and positivity?

?

I'm floored. It's a heart-opening experience.

I feel gratitude. I feel Self-love. I feel Other-love.

 

Edited January 16, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

The green lacewing ? has escaped from the bathroom and is now sitting on my door.

As if to tell me something.

I have a hunch that this is a good sign, because I like the way the bug looks, I like its bright green color.
Besides that, I really did not know what to do with him/her. So I just said "Thank you!" to it, smiled, and went for a walk.

It started snowing big dense flakes.

 

I'm reminded of a couple months ago, when ladybugs followed me to the most unlikely places. I took that as a sign of good fortune, as well.

It seems to coincide with synchronicities happening.

[flowboy]

I just remembered my dream. It was very sexual. Which is strange, because I haven't been feeling that sexually charged at all, the past couple days. I'm still pretty 'under the weather'.

I only remember this fragment: on some epic adventure, I meet this woman. The adventure may have resembled something like a huge festival, I'm not sure. The woman is older, wiser but also clearly scarred by life. She has something in her energy that feels self-destructive and tragic. Maybe it's alcoholism, maybe it's drug addiction. Maybe it's abusive relationship patterns that she repeats. You can feel that it's something like that. But nonetheless she's wise and I find beauty in her flaws. She likes my young physical presence but with a mature mind. We get along well and there is sexual tension.

We appear to be in her bedroom now. We hang out, talk in her bed for a long time as she feels out whether she can trust me not to hurt her. Checking and double-checking in indirect ways, with misdirection and distraction like only women can so masterfully do.

I respond with openness and show her that I need nothing from her, that I have no expectations and no secrets either.

Finally, as it's getting late, her weathered psyche decides to trust me and she gets horny. As she pulls down her pants, she shows me her penis. Instead of being put off by it at all, I get excited: it just means we can try different stuff now. I can still penetrate her, and she can penetrate me later, in the same way! All I'm attracted to is her feminine energy, anyways. As long as the attraction is there, we will make the body parts work.

She seems relieved that I did not overreact and re-traumatize her like so many before me have done. I am delighted to give her a good, healing experience. And I really am sure this feels authentic for me, I check myself but I'm not being a pleaser at this point. Your boundaries and what you are into are not static, not fixed, they highly vary moment-to-moment and depend too on the dynamic with the person. As I contemplate this, I proceed to have anal sex with her and we have great time. I think to myself whether I want to give the woman a blowjob. A question I've never asked before. On the one hand, I am eager to try it, on the other, I fear getting an STD from her. Then again, the risk of transmission from a blow job is quite low.

As I debate this in my head, the dream ends. I think I noticed that Spotify was still playing the JRE podcast, because apparently it autoplays now. That might have had something to do with the weirdness of this dream.

 

Edited January 16, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

On the upswing again. I am not feeling feverish anymore. I asked a friend to hold me accountable to get my shit together today. And I am. Currently creating a new weekly schedule. Looking forward to getting rid of this morning anxiety again. I know from experience that it helps.

I've also been eating mostly salad for the past 5 days, and my sugar cravings are disappearing

Edited January 17, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

She was blonde, short, kinda cool. Coerced me to take my clothes off in front of the camera. Then told me to come to her soundproof room where "you could easily kill someone".

 

I'm going on an adventure!

[flowboy]

Taking tomorrow off caffeine. I expect to have a hard time with that, but who cares, I can apparently also quit smoking cold turkey now, so I can handle it. Let's see how addicted I've gotten in the past couple weeks. Maybe it's still okay. I hope so.

Even though I'm going to bed on time, I don't feel like I have slept much at all. So that should be a red flag and a good clue to adjust

[flowboy]

Trying my new schedule. 10 hours at the job, then a short break to eat and plan my next day, then another 4 hours left to work on my business!

I don't have to use all of that time. I'm not being that strict. But sticking to the schedule leaves me room to make progress every day that I can feel good about.

I'm happy with how I rearranged it.

Today I'm only going to use some of the time after dinner for my job, though. Because I slacked off way too much ?