flowboy

Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

790 posts in this topic

  • Remember A Success
    • When several teammates were worried over a part of the code becoming messy, they asked me to help refactor it. And like so many other times, I used my superior ability to intuitively refactor code into a nice architecture, and everyone was happy.
  • Something I'm Grateful For
    • I'm grateful for D, who I used to date but is now a friend, for actually remaining in my life. She pointed out the sunrise to me and got me to look outside and appreciate it. I value that.
  • If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • Yes. I worked on the mindset module, designing my new character. As well as cleaning up old tasks and projects, and scheduling the most important ones. Both absolutely essential for my well-being.
  • How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
    • Today, I honored my commitment to excellence by sitting down to do the work, even though I really  did NOT feel like it.
    • Which is logical. I've given my character too much leash to mess around the past couple days. Now it thinks it can just avoid work. No sir.

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  • Remember A Success
    • When I was the first at my local Toastmasters club to organize a collaboration with a vocal coach. I pulled it off and presented the entire evening, too. I even had to dodge random aggressive dudes on the way there, so I could make it happen on time. I feel truly proud and successful, knowing that I organised that event well.
  • Something I'm Grateful For
    • I'm grateful for having a healthy body.
  • If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • No: I was productive, but this menial programming is not the highest leverage use of my mind. I can do greater things.
  • How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
    • Today, I honored my commitment to excellence by writing down and tracking every edge case and loose end I could think of. Also, I did zero distraction before and during work.
  • Daily Reflection Question: Where and how am I being a victim?
    • Hmmm... I play victim to my low budget, complaining that I can't afford the healthy food I want, even though I chose to overspend on unhealthy food earlier this month and that is why :)

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

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  • Remember A Success
    • When I joined an improv comedy course, it turned out to be a spiritual experience for me and quite transformative. People started asking me whether I had done it before, because what flowed through me was so funny and creative. But I had no idea where that came from. This is yet another example of me being successful at something.
  • Something I'm Grateful For
    • I'm grateful for the drug fuelled orgy experience I had a couple years ago. That memory brings me joy every time.
  • If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • No: I was highly disciplined today, but my mind was dragging its heels, so if I would die tomorrow I would rather have been in a spa today.
  • How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
    • Today, I honored my commitment to excellence by implementing a test that I really did not feel like implementing at the moment, but it does improve code quality.
  • Daily Reflection Question: What is the most emotionally difficult thing I could do here?
    • Hmmmm.... I have to talk to D and find out whether we both want a relationship or not. But that's not something to do right now.
    • I think I pretty much have it handled. My entire day was emotionally difficult decisions, because I was mentally tired and feeling unawake, but persisted in doing what the schedule says.

 

Suddenly, from deep in my subconscious, an old dream came out from the shadows: to be a good musician and play in a band.

Now, I have to find out whether that dream is still relevant.

Music is important to me because I used to love playing, and it's one connection to my dad who is a musician and composer.

And I have totally been ignoring it. So it feels very integrative, the idea of introducing it into my life again.

But the dream of being in a band and playing shows? The 16 year old me wanted that, because he was hoping to get girls that way.

Which, I have to admit, still means something to me. To have girls adore me without having to do anything, just by reputation alone. No game, no body language practice, no approaching. Just them approaching me. That would be awesome.

Why am I even judging that?

 


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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I dream of many things but lately I'm always smoking cigarettes in the dream. Or giving in to a craving for them.

I started the day with porn. Unintentionally (I told myself it was part of the vision work - it wasn't)

From there on, it was very hard to focus on work kbecause I had wild group sex scenarios in my mind.

And thoughts like: "Why am I trying to date one person and fantasizing about group sex all the time. I should be dating a group!" ?

Well it's kind of not a joke. But I'm so physically excited all day I can't think straight. Or sit still.

Not sure if it was the magnesium, the ginger or the turmeric, or just the 7 days no peak orgasm... but something's up with my body. It doesn't wanna work. It wants to get busy?

 

  • Remember A Success
    • When my team was on vacation and I made radical design changes and threw all the old work out. I had a vision. Yes some people were pissed at me, but the customer loved it. I felt really successful there.
  • Something I'm Grateful For
    • I'm grateful for my health
  • If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • No.
  • How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
    • Today, I honored my commitment to excellence by moving my calendar items around until I was sure that it would fit.
    • I could have done better at the excellence, to be frank. I'm not sure about whether the code I'm writing is useful and I've been distracting myself with porn and social stuff.
  • Daily Reflection Question: What is the one thing you know you must do, but have been avoiding for a long time?
    • A: Can't think of anything right now. I tend to handle my shit :D

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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Things worked out beautifully with D. I shared openly with her some of my struggles and imperfections that I had been hiding. She said she was so glad I did that because she was planning on having the exact same talk with me that day! Turns out both of us thought the other only wanted a superficial dating relationship! But actually we both want a deep connection.

Unreal.

Obviously, I'm really happy now.

 


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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  • Remember A Success
    • I sold my first client on the first call!! I didn't even know that the recommended format was a phone call, I just did a video call and improvised the whole thing. And I closed :D I feel very blessed and successful
  • Something I'm Grateful For
    • I'm grateful for meeting a really high quality woman who is exactly the type I was hoping to meet, and dating her. And she lives right next door to me. God must really like me :D
  • If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • Yes. I woke up next to my ideal woman and then worked towards my dream (by doing a sales training)
  • How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
    • Today I honored my commitment to excellence by taking a lot of notes, but taking them orderly and organising them as I went along, so that they will be readable later
    • I also honored my commitment to excellence by evaluating my KPIs from last week and planning a realistic next week
  • Daily Reflection Question: How can I take myself out of the equation?
    • By telling D. the full truth about my feelings about monogamy, even though it may cause her to want to leave

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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  • Remember A Success
    • I remember taking Spanish lessons for a season, and being instantly at the top of my class. I feel really successful, knowing that everything I do I can quickly become successful at.
  • Something I'm Grateful For
    • This day, I am grateful for meeting such a great woman. I am also grateful for stumbling upon the CA course - the sales training is awesome.
  • If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • Yes. I worked towards my dream today - by taking a sales training and by taking driving lessons.
  • How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
    • I honored my commitment to excellence by taking copious notes and not procrastinating at all.
    • I also did my entire mindset ritual in the morning, even though it seemed like al lot of work, because it's so new.
    • I also honored my commitment to excellence by packing my gym bag the previous night for myself, so that this morning I could get up and instantly go to the gym at 6:15AM.
  • Daily reflection question: How can I do this with more love?
    • I could ask myself what's in D's best interest to know, instead of blindly wanting to unload everything.
    • I could not put any pressure on the people I am looking to have a threesome with, and really completely understand if it doesn't go as planned
    • I could study my driving notes and theory from time to time, because I love people and don't want to kill them with my car

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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  • Remember A Success
    • I remember deciding to write some sales letters, and quickly getting my first customer from that. It really gives me confidence, knowing that I'm talented at sales and marketing as well.
  • Something I'm Grateful For
    • I am grateful for having good friends who want to go on vacation with me, and include me in their cool plans :)
  • If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • No.
  • How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
    • I finished what I started.
    • I did not tolerate any distraction, and busted through the brain fog.
  • Daily reflection question: What expectations can I let go of?
    • I could let go of the expectation that I'm ever going to see L again. She's in another country. If it happens, it happens.
    • I could let go of the expectation that the friends I invited will be able to join
    • I could let go of the expectation that D wants to be monogamous. We haven't even talked about that, so why worry.
    • I could let go of the expectation that the threeway I have planned is actually going to happen. If it does, great. if not, I enjoyed planning it.

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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Does Oatmeal make me sluggish, or is it the protein shakes?

For the past couple months I have been making oatmeal for lunch. I can't eat bread because gluten kills my concentration, oats are supposed to be okay however.

But are they?

All I know is my 2 data points:

  1. yesterday I had oatmeal for lunch and I rated my performance at 50%
  2. today I had a salad with lots of fresh veggies, beans, fish and olive oil, and a smoothie, and I rate my performance at 85%

So why not make this salad every day? Well, it's a lot more expensive. About 10 euros per meal, whereas oatmeal costs next to nothing.

Unless I replace my dinner with oatmeal, and get my vegetables and proteins with this lunch salad. That could work.

I need more data. Tomorrow I will try to eat my warm dinner at lunchtime and see what that does for my focus.

Fresh salads are really the best for focus. This was great.

 

 


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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AMAZING SALAD WORKFLOW

My brain is working super fast. I'm thinking fast, I'm answering fast. My words are confident, my voice is strong and what I say makes sense.

I'm 100% with it. My programming and problem solving is going in a nice tempo, it's very enjoyable, and I am aware of everything. I'm making full use of my working memory. I'm being efficient. My code is beautiful. I'm not even interested in any distractions.

My body is producing a flood of good neurotransmitters and I constantly feel tingly and excited.

This is truly better than caffeinated, not just in how good I feel, but also how sharp I am and the quality of my output.

** SAVE GAME **

Ingredients:

  • Saying affirmations
  • Cold shower (did not even run)
  • Day 5 since last peak orgasm
  • Breakfast:
    • Water with pieces of fresh lemon, kurkuma and magnesium powder
    • Scrambled eggs
    • Herbal coffee with cayenne pepper
    • Ginger tea
  • Lunch:
    • Salad with zucchini, black beans, beets, avocado, tuna, olive oil, and more good stuff

No almond milk in the fake coffee, no protein shake, no oatmeal. These are the remaining suspects.

What's clear is that salad is the bomb for performance. And maybe fasting is too, but this way, I get to eat.


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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  • Remember A Success
    • I remember the first coaching call I did, I was super nervous, but I had been preparing a lot: the ideas just flowed out of me. My first client was very happy with me, because it is just apparently something I naturally do well. I will continue to learn and improve, but I feel great knowing that I tend to be great at things I choose to do from the start.
      That's a success. I am successful.
  • Something I'm Grateful For
    • I am grateful for beets.
  • If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • Yes. Because of the great flow it was actually a lot of fun.
  • How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
    • I finished what I started.
    • I split my pull request up into smaller, more readable parts, as I have been preaching
    • I tested thoroughly
  • Daily reflection question: What are the two extremes that the current balancing act is about?
    • Extreme 1: spend all my free time with my girlfriend, sleep in with her, adjust my schedule to her, delay my dream indefinitely
    • Extreme 2: see my girlfriend only once a week at most, because her being there disrupts some parts of my morning and evening routines xD

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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To Monogamy Or Not To Monogamy

I had the talk with her. She said she likes monogamy and is not that comfortable with open relating, because she feels it would cause her to close off parts of herself that would otherwise allow her to connect deeper.

I'm here for the deep connection, and I already decided that being committed to one girl is right for this phase of my life.

So I said ok.

But... so much of my identity is in being free to do tantric play with people, I'm part of a whole community and have many friends who I sometimes have sex with when I see them. It would be strange to reject that suddenly.

Also, I am not okay with never sleeping with anyone else again.

I am okay for being monogamous for the next 3-5 years. After which I expect to have more money, more free time and then I expect to also want to have more sexual variety.

But I don't know. And I didn't tell her that part.

And I didn't tell her that "forever" scares me and makes me feel like I'm being choked.

I hate limitation. I can't stand anything imposing on my freedom. It's who I am, to my core.

But: Energy Comes From Restraint.

Don't remember who said it, but it's true. I feel that by concentrating on one person, I will have one enriching intimate relationship and have more energy to conquer the world and follow my purpose.

My thoughts are a jumble.

The morning after we had the talk and agreed to do monogamy, I suddenly felt like I didn't feel anything for her. My brain was trying to convince me that I don't love her anymore and should run.

It's not true. I think she's amazing and I really am very lucky to be with her. I had been hoping to get more serious and deep with her for months. Now that I am where I wanted to be, I suddenly tremble and look back in fear of the price I'm paying.

The price being: sexual opportunity. I just value adventure and experiences. I had sex with 55 women in my life, and I want at some point to at least double that number.

So the question really is: if I feel now that maybe monogamy can't fulfill me forever, is it fair for me to agree to it?

I think it is, and I will just have to see how my decision plays out.

And enjoy the moment.

 


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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Disproportionate (?) Anger

Should I vent here? I don't feel eloquent at the moment. But I will, because I need to clear my head and understand what's going on.

I have been obsessively angry at my new girlfriend for two days now.

It's because she's bragging to her friend about all the nice things I did for her (certain gifts and dates).

The date ideas and gifts were all just cool ideas I had, that I thought were too fun to not do, and so I acted on them. And they were received well.

Or so I thought.

Two nights ago, during a dinner with her and her roommate and her date, the topic was on cooking specialties. But the girls asked me what my specialty was "that I would cook for her" and I started to feel pressured. I did have an answer of a nice dish that I could describe (although it already felt wrong), but then she asked: "So when are you going to make it for me?"

The air got very tense and uncomfortable for a second when I said: "I dunno. I just told you the ingredients, now you can make it too."

I basically panicked because I was being pressured, and did NOT want to fall into the nice guy suckup frame here. I had no funny way to get out of it, but I wasn't gonna give in.

She responded: "Do you wanna go back to your apartment?" (as if I had been rude!)

She also asked: "What's the other courses? Of course you need an appetizer and a desert, right?"

I had none come to mind, nor did I want to. I awkwardly suggested she come up with the other courses. Clearly that answer was not appreciated. But we moved on.

She seemed to have forgotten about it, but that night I still felt anger about her peer pressuring me to adhere to some frame as the kind of boyfriend she and her friend apparently wanted me to be, which I experienced as quite aggressive.

I felt so on edge that I couldn't sleep, and actually did something uncharacteristic: I dug out a bit of tobacco that I remembered I had, and smoked it in a bong. The nicotine did help to calm me down, but it did worry me that I felt that I needed that. Also I have been known to fall back into addiction after getting a 'taste'.

 

This morning, the problem I ignored had gotten way worse: I was shocked to see that she had made a group chat with her roommate, her, me, and her roommate's date, titled "Candidates Training Prog."

The first text reads: "Dear Candidates, Congratulations, you have been selected for the course 'how to deal with too-hot-too handle women'. We are aware that it is a very hard and exclusive programm, but we analyzed your CV's and motivation letters and we see you as potential candidates to get a degree. It is already the moment for a first evaluation. From now on monthly updates will follow.

- <fake name>

- <fake name>"

What follows is a chart they drew of different things we could do to please them, and how many points they are worth.

WhatsApp Image 2020-12-10 at 21.11.28.jpeg

What follows is how they tallied up the score of the actual things I did (and the other guy did):

WhatsApp Image 2020-12-10 at 21.13.21.jpeg

You could make the argument that she's making me win, so perhaps this is a fucked up compliment.

And you could make the argument that the green list is a fucked up way to show that she's serious about me and wants to experience stuff with me.

But instead of asking me, this is DEMANDING it.

I could not help but feel enraged when I read this, and the feeling has stayed with me all day.

Reasons I can think of:

  • the things I did (see the 16 points above:p ) I did out of a genuine desire to do something nice for a girl I like a lot. NOT to score points. Her tallying it up in a point system is cheapening it, for me.
  • I feel objectified by being reduced to a number of gifts and dates, and being bragged about in a contest
  • I feel insulted by the attempt to get me to compete in a girlfriend-pleasing contest
  • I feel my worst fear in this area is coming true: when I do something nice, I'm hoping that she will appreciate it without then taking me for granted more, her ego getting inflated by it, and starting the process of becoming spoiled and demanding, and me falling into the frame of the supplicating nice guy. I just wanted to do a couple nice things without that happening. And here it is.
  • I feel disappointed: I was hoping that she was able to handle my nice gestures, without it having negative consequences for the dynamic. Thereby proving that she deserved them. But what I feel she's actually proven, is that she does not deserve them.
  • I enjoy doing nice things and now she ruined it. I feel zero motivation to cook for her, come up with a date, or do anything for her anymore, now that I know she's just feeding her ego with it and bragging about it.
  • I also feel she breached the trust of the relationship by disclosing to some guy I barely know that I gave her a sex toy. That shit is private. The guy had questions about it. I don't want to be put in that position.

 

I can see that it's meant as a ridiculous joke. That's why I have spent all day trying to see it that way, and have not indicated that I am angry.

But basically I feel like she did the equivalent of me and a guy friend of mine making a list of all the blowjobs our girls gave us, how perky their asses and tits are, and how little foreplay they need, assigned a point system, tallied up the score and then tried to make them compete.

Why am I jumping to blowjobs and sexual things in this analogy? Because it's something vulnerable for women to do. You like to do it, but you have to have trust that the other doesn't start bragging to everyone about it and give you social repercussions.

Guys can be proud of doing sex things according to social rules. So the reverse, I think, should be doing nice things like gifts and expensive dates.

You do it, and you like to do it, but you have to trust the person not to take advantage of you.

 

 

EDIT: decided to make a topic, and people here think it's even more fucked up than I thought it was...


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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@flowboy Hey, I thought of you when I stumbled across this thread and I decided to check your journal out to see what's been going on with you. If you still experience the anger, know this: you have ever right to be angry, even if you can't find rational reasons for it and can't express it clearly atm. I bet that she did not mean anything sinister with this prank, it sounds a little bit insecure of her to do so (as in, wanting to compliment you, but not knowing how perhaps?). I can see how being peer-pressured can make you very angry given the things you experienced in school. Obviously, I wasn't there but it did not seem to me like she was trying to ridicule you, or test your frame. She just wanted to show off in front of her friend and gain some status in her eyes. I'm sorry that you felt that it was happening at your expense and you have every right to be upset.

On 11.12.2020 at 10:40 PM, flowboy said:

But basically I feel like she did the equivalent of me and a guy friend of mine making a list of all the blowjobs our girls gave us, how perky their asses and tits are, and how little foreplay they need, assigned a point system, tallied up the score and then tried to make them compete.

As a bystander, it seems to me like you are being a little insecure in your masculinity. Let me explain what I mean before you jump into conclusions. We as men, especially in youth go through this kind of "bootcamp" situations, where we're being "tested" by other men in being macho, or tough. These bootcamp situations are a childish facade, where boys act out their fantasies of what it means to be men and abuse each other. This is how the "macho" program is spreading. I have both been a bully and bullied, and the idea that a man is ought to be punished for being hurt until he displays aggression at every transgression of his personal space is obscene. This is not how men behave, this is how wounded masculinity acts. Notice that there may be feelings present that tell you that you are being called "touchy" right now - this is the macho program in action. You have every right to feel hurt, both in response to the present situation and how you've been treated in the past. Connecting with this hurt, and feeling it, can help you overcome anger, because you may have been programmed to show anger instead of hurt. Most men have. If that is the case, then being angry like right now will never satisfy you. Expressing it will also never improve the situation because it is a fake facade. It does not serve any social purpose in communication and it turns women off - not because you are being weak - but because you are incongruent. There is nothing wrong with expressing true anger, but it may be difficult to tell the difference at first. True anger feels good and expressing it is beneficial to the situation.

Going all the way back to the beginning of the previous paragraph: you seem insecure in your masculinity because it looks like something that you are "doing". When you are "doing" a man, you are not a man: a man becomes a mask behind which a hurt boy is hiding. The boy will always be there and it needs no fixing. What he needs is to feel safe, to be let out and allowed to experience the world without inhibition and express himself fully. This is how real men are born, by taking conscious care of their boys. So let that boy out and let him be himself without restriction and let women see him the way he truly is. Only then will you be able to see "girls" behind "women" and connect with them clearly. Do you know how to express hurt clearly? It shows itself in tears. 


Bearing with the conditioned in gentleness, fording the river with resolution, not neglecting what is distant, not regarding one's companions; thus one may manage to walk in the middle. H11L2

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@tsuki I have not yet updated the topic, but it turned out to be a very unfortunate interaction between two pain bodies:

  • She had been the person in previous relationships who does everything for her partner and herself and no one took care of her
  • I was repeatedly bullied and exploited by the first girls I had crushes on (pretending to like me to demand money from me, laughing while some senior guy beats me up, stuff like that), since then associating adoration with pain and betrayal, and having an unconscious vow to never let this happen again

So I have pain and fears around being used and demanded from, and so when she teases me about making dinner for her, I get triggered, see her as the demanding abusive girl, and feel like I am being trapped into a humiliating scenario that I have to avoid at all costs.

But my hesitation towards the idea of making dinner for her immediately made her see me as the guy who takes everything and gives nothing back, at that same moment.

It's a good thing we are both aware enough that we could figure this out and get through it. For which I am grateful.

 

Regarding the joke: Once I stopped projecting the evil girls from my past onto her, I could see that it was not malicious.

However, I showed it to my male friend and his reaction was similar to that of the people here: that it's an incredibly immature joke that comes off needlessly hurtful and like an unnecessary power move. As he put it: "Women already hold all the cards, generally, because they can control guys through sex and they don't need them as much as guys need women. It's aggressive and unnecessarily hurtful to accentuate this uncomfortable fact, and somehow display power that she already has implicitly"  (paraphrasing)

So I conclude that some fear/insecurity about being controlled by women is at least pretty common. And thus the joke is inconsiderate and in bad taste, because it doesn't take into consideration a pain point that is common in men, which women should know.

In the same way where a similar joke involving breast sizes or weights of respective girlfriends would be inconsiderate: in a perfect world, no one is insecure about anything: however, that's not how it usually is, so we try to work around hurting people in their commonly accepted weak spots.

 

@tsuki I read your post several times but I'm not sure that I'm in the right frame of mind currently to completely get it. It has happened twice that I felt not respected by her (this, and when she made me wait 5 hours), and both cases I got a huge adrenaline spike and felt that I had to be very stern with her. I also felt closed off emotionally, and had no idea what I felt for her, if anything, during those incidents. Is that what you mean? I thought that was normal :P I thought I was finally learning to set healthy boundaries. Do you mean to say that I would be better off doing nothing and just being sad that she disappointed me?

In any case: thank you for caring, and taking the time to write this ?

Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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19 hours ago, flowboy said:

It's a good thing we are both aware enough that we could figure this out and get through it. For which I am grateful.

I am very relieved to hear this. Very happy for the two of you!

19 hours ago, flowboy said:

So I conclude that some fear/insecurity about being controlled by women is at least pretty common. And thus the joke is inconsiderate and in bad taste, because it doesn't take into consideration a pain point that is common in men, which women should know.

Yes I agree that the joke is inconsiderate and in a bad taste and you had every right to be offended even if it was not maliciously crafted to make you feel that way. She was just being excessively selfish, trying to "fix" the past by taking advantage of your kindness/gifts. As if there were some hole in her interior that she could "fill" with you. It certainly may seem this way for her, but this is not how wounds are healed.

19 hours ago, flowboy said:

so we try to work around hurting people in their commonly accepted weak spots.

Indeed we do. 

19 hours ago, flowboy said:

It has happened twice that I felt not respected by her (this, and when she made me wait 5 hours), and both cases I got a huge adrenaline spike and felt that I had to be very stern with her.

It is important to know what you mean when you say "respect". I used to tell my wife that she does not respect me, but I did not know what that actually means. She would ask me to explain what I want her to do and I was not able to articulate it. Try it.

To "respect" someone is to see them for who they truly are, listen to what they express without censorship and consider it genuinely. Respect is not about hierarchy between people. It's not about being lower, about being higher, or even about being equal. That is a very common misconception that men have because of how we are raised. We are supposed to 'respect' our elders, which really means that we should consider what they are saying. If we don't, they get 'stern' with us and we conflate respect with anger. Usually our parents don't know how to parent us well and teach us their own insecurities and wounds. A parent that was not listened to as a child may punish a child for not listening to them. Military is the perfect example of how wounded, confused, masculinity acts. You are supposed to 'respect' your 'superiors' in the military, or you will do extra push-ups as a 'punishment'.

19 hours ago, flowboy said:

I also felt closed off emotionally, and had no idea what I felt for her, if anything, during those incidents. Is that what you mean?

YES! I bet that you would talk with her very differently if you actually were able to feel that you've been hurt. It is the goal of the macho program to create situations like this, to disconnect you from your feelings of hurt because they are considered 'unsavory'. The program is installed by repeatedly punishing you for feeling hurt, like for example, by bullying. Bullies themselves experience this, they have no idea what they are feeling when they "prey" on, what they call "weak". They convince their victims that they are "weak", and that bullies are "strong". Who wouldn't want to be "strong", right? The victims consider themselves "weak" until they start to bully.

19 hours ago, flowboy said:

I thought that was normal :P I thought I was finally learning to set healthy boundaries. Do you mean to say that I would be better off doing nothing and just being sad that she disappointed me?

It is perfectly normal to feel upset for not being respected. True respect is a very basic need of human beings. It is perfectly normal to feel angry when we are hurt. it is healthy to establish boundaries, by saying that you are angry and that you've been hurt and that you want her to stop doing this and that. You are not supposed to "train" her into being a "good girl" that "respects you" like a bad parent does to their child. Boundaries are not established by violence (like in the military). If you repeatedly ask her to stop hurting you and she does not respect it/listen to it, then she is not a good candidate for a long-term relationship. If she acknowledges the problematic behavior and wants to work on it (and it seems like she does from what you wrote), then you can give her another chance. But that chance is your choice and your commitment. If this happens with many girls, then you should think about how you are inviting this behavior, and I suspect that the macho program is responsible for it. Again, the macho program's purpose is to disconnect you from what you feel strategically, so that you can pretend to be a man when you are hurt.

If you invite violence into your relationship, then respect is impossible because it requires trust. Violence and trust, two very deep words - lets unpack them. Violence happens when you don't acknowledge/listen/respect the free will of another person and use that person as a mean to an end. Violence can happen on many levels: physical, emotional, financial, sexual and other. Trust on the other hand, is the belief that the other person means well to you and that they want to build the relationship that you two have. Violence makes respect impossible because respect requires trust and trust is destroyed when you give evidence of malicious intent (conscious or not). When you engage in violent behavior, you create vicious cycles that once started, can obliterate a relationship. It is very difficult to restore harmony once both partners act from fear and are unwilling to trust. Couples therapy can help with it.

Anyways, I hope that I did not sound like I was judging you for what you did because trauma is extremely difficult to deal with on a day-to-day basis. Actually implementing this knowledge is practice is very, very rare. It is not a coincidence that satisfying relationships are rare too :).

Edited by tsuki

Bearing with the conditioned in gentleness, fording the river with resolution, not neglecting what is distant, not regarding one's companions; thus one may manage to walk in the middle. H11L2

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Simplifying My Complicated Schedule

Currently, this is how I organize my weeks:

Monday and Tuesday: work on CA course as much as possible

Wed, Th, Fri: work at job for 10 hours. After that, intend to work on CA course for 1 hour but usually instead spend more time eating

Sat: do all the chores and maintenance. Admin stuff, meal prep, everything

Sun: hang out with gf

 

Here's the problem: if I have a week like this, where Monday is an undisciplined write-off due to a bad start, and Tuesday I only do 3 hours before a friend comes to visit, then I don't make any more progress for the rest of the week, and that's unacceptable.

If I work for 10 hours, there should be 6 more hours left, no? Where are they going?

Answer: Routines. A 2 hour morning routine, a 40 minute planning and admin routine, a 1 hour evening routine.

And dinner.

The remaining time I could work towards my dream, is being split up: half an hour in the morning before work, and 1h20 after work.

Why is it being split up, you might ask? Well, because I read on some blog that it would be cool to get up super early and save your best energy for what is important to you, and leave the scraps for your day job. I still like this idea, but in practice it means that I would have to live from 4AM and go to sleep at 7PM.

That was too extreme for me, so I aimed for 6AM. And I couldn't stomach not working out and meditating 30 minutes in the morning, so there was really only half an hour left.

The entire 'getting up extremely early' plan has been diluted and is not accomplishing its original goal.

I could start getting up at 3AM, shower, breakfast, work on business, do my day job, and go to sleep at 6PM.

However, that makes it next to impossible to do things like sleep with your partner, or have a productive day together with a friend.

Or I could just let go of the hipster blogger entrepreneur biorhythm for now, and live from 7 till 10. Or even 8 till 11!

My limitation is that I do not fare well on even a slight lack of sleep. During the day I have to correct myself a lot to say no to distractions, temptations and stay on schedule. My frontal lobe is currently under a second stage of development. It takes a lot of energy still, to work it. On 7 hours of sleep, willpower runs out halfway through the day.

So regrettably, I am not one of those people who can work towards their dream from 23:00 till 3:00, and then just get up at 7:00 and do their day job. No. That would end badly.

Really inspiring. But I need my 8 hours or I'm useless.

So something's got to give. 3 hours a week is nothing. I'm treating this like it's a damn hobby.

 

Simplifying: Screw reading for half an hour on work days. Screw yoga before bed. Screw the extra shower. Screw the prayer. Screw 45 minutes of vision and affirmations in the morning. Screw the morning workout. Screw journaling. Screw doing the dishes, even. I'll do all that on the remaining 3 days. All these little things are costing me 20 minutes each, leaving me no productive time.

I'm going to get up way later, 7 or 8. Then do my job until 6PM. Then have a consecutive 5-6 hours of real progress. And then just be exhausted but satisfied and go to sleep.

Assuming 6 hours on a free day, this will allow me to work at least 27 hours a week towards my goal.

That beats the current 3-12!

Also, if I have a bad day and an interruption, then there's still 3 days left where I can do some real work and have an opportunity to make up for it!


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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Prevalent theme...fear of missing out?

My whole life is based on fear of missing out... it's everywhere. I let it ruin everything.

I loved playing drums. I had a band. Then I had to go be a singer, which I sucked at, just because I did not want to miss out on attracting the most girls. Yes. I was that shallow. At 17.

I had a job that I loved. Then I had to go study the hardest thing I could think of, for fear of missing out of the opportunity and status that came with that. Wound up going back to the job, luckily.

Then I had a fear of missing out of getting laid as much as possible, and a fear of missing out of the things that come with being rich. Fear of not being able to pay for stuff. Not fair if I can't get this or that because of my choices. Fear fear fear.

So this fear and unfairness syndrome had me aspire to start a business.

Yikes. What am I doing with my life.

 

I watched Kobe Bryant's Muse yesterday. It dawned on me that I could have stuck with anything I loved and become great at it. The love for it and the right mindset would have made it a really good bet. Despite the common thinking that it's risky to pursue what you love like that, which I totally fell for, unfortunately.

Two things come to mind that I have loved enough to be able to effortlessly do it entire days and weeks, only taking breaks to shower and eat. Playing drums and Programming.

I have NEVER NOT FELT LIKE PRACTICING those things. What can you really say that about. That's rare.

It's like God flicked me two gold coins to start playing the game of life with. And I stuffed them on a shelf somewhere and proceeded to chase my own tail for ten years?

I could have made either of those work, focusing on it like a maniac and the money question would have fallen into place.

But no, I had to go with my fears and make a 'safe choice'...

To give my 17 year old self credit, my dad followed his passion for music all his life, and while he has had a great life, I also saw that he ended up poor. Also my drum teacher, who was a friend of my father, was a great guy but had health problems, and also was clearly not prosperous. Basically all the rolemodels in my direct environment who pursued their passion of music, were middle-aged guys with health problems and financial worries.

So that must have had quite an effect on me.

Wow.

 

To be clear: I'm not in any kind of negative emotional state right now. I'm not angry with myself or anything. There's many angles and positive aspects of the choices I made, too, that I'm leaving out here. Because this feels to me like an angle that I need to explore at this moment. Without judgment. I love myself and I realise that every choice and event had to be made that way, for me to learn what I needed to.

 

 

Just to think, I needed to turn 28 to finally unwire all the layers of confusion and misdirection I started adding onto my identity from the age of 17...?
I can finally remember my mindset clearly back in that day. Music feels great, but I don't want to have money problems into my fifties like my dad... so probably that is not a smart choice. But I also don't want to become one of those dead-inside adults who sold out their dreams for a boring job. I gotta figure something out, a way to live that gives me material abundance AND true passion, instead of trading one thing for the other.

That about summarizes it. And that's been buried deep down as a mission statement. And I've been trying different modalities and experimenting ever since. That's alright. I'm happy to have this clarity now.

Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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High Performance Secrets And Revelations

I've been obsessed for quite a while with people who are able to sacrifice sleep and work 12-16 hours a day at something. The video I included in an earlier post with the guy who started a 50K / month digital marketing agency while also having a 12 hour a day job and a family, is one example of the inputs that made me realise that there is a mode of being here that I don't (yet) have access to.

I have since seen other interviews where people mention being able to function on much less sleep for a temporary span of time - to achieve some goal. I have read about this on entrepreneur forums. I have multiple friends who were able to do this. I am now dating a woman with this ability.

I have interviewed them all, asking them the same question:

Q: I am completely useless with less than 7.5 hours of sleep. At that point I can either take a long nap, or waste my entire day not being able to think. I do consider myself a driven individual. You have recounted periods of being able to work 16 hour days and/or sleep 3 hours a night for multiple weeks, when it was necessary to accomplish a goal. Even though normally you cannot. What makes the difference - how are you able to deal with the stress of having to be focused for that long, and the lack of sleep?

Here are the answers I got:

Todd from the video: You need a powerful WHY. (I did not talk to him, this is simply from the interview)

 

R: Secondly: it's a matter of Pressure and Release. You need to have a release mechanism in place.

You put pressure on yourself so you have the energy to work long without breaks.

The pressure is what enables you to skip breaks and sleep temporarily.

But then you need a way to release that pressure. Have a way to relax, some physical activity.

I went biking at night. Because on a bicycle you're not really doing something, but still physically active.

Also, I did breathing exercises. 5 seconds in, 7 seconds out. Focus on belly.  Sitting meditation won't help much when your mind is racing. Need physical intervention.

Also, I did the Kundalini active meditation (by Osho)

Also Heartrate variability training is good

 

D: I need rhythmic physical exercise - like doing muay thai drills over and over again for hours, or circuit training - to manage the stress of working really hard, and also manage my overactive mind

 

The common thread here seems to be that to be able to perform like this, you need a physical, rhythmic stress release mechanism that doesn't require you to use your mind to much, but lets your thoughts kind of spin out and run their natural crazy course until they calm down.

 

Today it just hit me... this could be playing drums for me! It's physical, it's rhythmic, it doesn't require too much thinking, and I love it.

More evidence for this hypothesis: I always performed well in high school, when I regularly played drums. I think I also did this during my final exams. That was the last time that I remember performing extremely highly for multiple days.

After high school, I didn't have a drum kit for a long time, and my performance in university was not sustained for more than 3 months [seasonal depression also takes some blame here]. Some years ago I got a drum kit again, but due to the amount of stress and pressure I was under (because of ADD related issues) I stupidly told myself I didn't have time to play it.

Whilst actually I could potentially have managed my stress much better, had I regularly played it.

 

This is just a hypothesis, which I am going to test by getting an electronic drum kit.

But I'm very excited about this hypothesis.

Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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What I referred to as "fear of missing out" is actually a product of my optimization algorithm - a part of my thinking mind that actually works very well for small to medium decisions. I think my mistake has been to use that algorithm to make the large decisions in life - those should be made with the heart. Then let the optimization algorithm figure out the practicalities.


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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