flowboy

Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

790 posts in this topic

  • Remember A Success
    • I remember when I decided to start a coaching practice helping people with ADD, finding a client, him paying me, working together for 6 weeks and him being super happy with his progress afterwards. He even made me a glowing review video!
  • Something I'm Grateful For
    • Today I am grateful for having unlimited clean drinking water flowing out of my tap!
  • If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • No. How did I end up sitting behind a computer all day? When I quit my job, I'll make sure to become much more physically active.
  • How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
    • I did not allow myself any distractions until 3pm. Also, I cleared out my to-do list so that I'll be more available for what is currently important in my team.

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Becoming a Finisher

Since I have decided to become more of a finisher, I have manifested the inclination to clean up after myself more, and close more open loops!

I'm also spotting all the open loops that I was not aware of before.

  • I usually don't close a closet or a drawer after I use it, now I do
  • I did not put items like scissors or a razor back after using it, now I do
  • I did not use to clean up downloaded files after I was done with them, now I do
  • It used to be normal for me to always have a huge stack of dirty dishes. I'm now becoming someone who always has them done by the end of the day.
  • The To-Do list of 30-60 items that I seem perpetually plagued by, is suddenly not acceptable anymore. Suddenly it's clear to me that such a thing will never finish. There should be a max length. I'm not sure what that is yet, but it's something between a day's work and a week's work.
    So, I cleaned out my work to-do's. Forced myself to only keep 5.
    And suddenly they become real! Before, they were just part of the 'impossible/someday' list. Now, I expect to actually do them, not jus track and torture myself with them.
    But I also notice my stress levels going down, and my focus becoming better.
Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

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Optimal work time = evening?

Today has been a continuous struggle to sit still and pay attention. Basically. I want to do anything but sit still and do my job, so I end up constantly grabbing food. It's really hard to pay attention in meetings.

And then at 5pm, a sudden calm and clarity washes over me, and suddenly I do feel calm and focused.

Am I just an evening worker who should be physically active during the morning and afternoon, and save his desk work for evenings?

Or will I adapt once I have a consistent rhythm?

Tomorrow I will try with a morning run, to see if that will calm my bones down.


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

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Fear of Being Stupid

I have a fear that I am thinking too slow. There's moments where others think a lot faster than me. It makes me fear that I can never be successful, because I have a sluggish brain.

It's bullshit, mostly. But there are moments where I wish I could summon more brain power at will, because I have to pretend to understand someone's reasoning and my thoughts are just blocked.

But that's possibly due to brain fog from processing either wheat or alcohol.

Eat healthier and do more concentration exercises, I suppose.


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Preparing the next 90 day challenge

I prepared a new habit sheet so that I can track my progress. The blue columns are going to be my focus: they need to be over 80%.

The first 2 days I already failed so I made it a 100 day sheet where I clearly marked the start of the 90 days as TOMORROW

The bed times and waking up discipline has been hard in the past, but now that I'm devoting a full 90 day challenge to it, it will not be hard anymore.

I'm simply going to do it.

Naamloos.png

 

Had coffee once

The 100 days without coffee were done, and afterwards I plan to allow myself caffeinated drinks once per month.

I chose yesterday to be that day of the month. Did I enjoy it? Yes. Was it amazing? Not really. It felt like a drug. It made me frantically write pages and pages of chaotic word salad. Then when it was time to clean it up, I had the caffeine crash and could not produce any output anymore. Also my willpower was quite depleted, causing me to decide to eat unhealthy and watch Netflix for the rest of the day.

Also the restless, heart-pounding-in-throat feeling is not something I care for. I can see myself never combining this with work again, and just enjoying the rare coffee when hanging out with someone.

Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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  • Remember A Success
    • I remember when I was young and troubled and did not want to grow up a pussy like my father, that I decided to accept physical challenges front-on. I had several fights that did not end well, but I learned an invaluable lesson that I could not have gotten by pussying out. You can not beat up most people if you are untrained and not particularly heavy. Thanks to those quite jarring experiences, I now know my strength, and I also know that I am not too afraid to fight if pushed to the edge. Even if I might not win, I can show bravery. And even though it cost me some teeth, I am thankful for the experience.
  • Something I'm Grateful For
    • Today I am grateful for having clean, drinkable water that runs into my home in an unlimited supply.
  • If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • No. I did not achieve amazing programming flow, and I also am not super motivated. Tomorrow will be better.
  • How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
    • I started on the most important thing first. I divided my day in strategic blocks and buffer blocks. I observed my habit to waste time during work hours, and I stopped myself and course-corrected.

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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  • Remember A Success
    • I am part of the 7 percent who successfully quit smoking
  • Something I'm Grateful For
    • Today I am grateful for my parents becoming healthier and happier
  • If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • No. I would take drugs and have sex, not sit at my desk and program.
  • How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
    • Today I honored my commitment to excellence by sticking to my schedule really well, and not allowing myself a single distraction during work, thereby maximizing my output and creating a state of flow

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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  • Remember A Success
    • When I lived in a communal building and came home horny one day. Decided to pay the hot girl next door a visit to get to know her. Ended up fucking her. She's beautiful and a good singer. We hooked up regularly for awhile after that. I like that I just went for what I wanted. That is a success.
  • Something I'm Grateful For
    • Today I am grateful for my cousin coming back into my life.
  • If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • No. I would take drugs and have sex.
  • How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
    • I allowed zero distraction during work.
    • I stuck to my own schedule really strictly
    • I ate healthy
    • I barely wasted any time
    • I went running in the morning
    • I did my meditation with more focus than I have been doing

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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  • Remember A Success
    • I took a break when I was too in my head, breathed, let my intuition have a say and pivoted to the type of coaching I do now. It took courage to send out some impulsive sales letters, but I did because I follow my intuition. And it worked.
  • Something I'm Grateful For
    • My awesome friend D. We drank whisky and talked until 4am about shadow integration and all sorts of things. We get along great.
  • If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • Yes. I celebrated my birthday yesterday with E and D, and we had such a good time that I'm still vibrating with happiness. Today I heard my girl was ill so I made her a fruit basket and it was received really well. Her roommate almost caught us on second base haha. The more I let go and express my natural swagger, the more feeling I have for her, too.
  • How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
    • I am hung over and chilling on a Sunday, have no momentum and just want to sleep, but still I go to do my evening routine, which includes this journal, so that I can have a proper start of the day tomorrow.
Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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  • Remember A Success
    • When I was doing the TNT workshop, we had to create a sexual mini theatrical play, and we worked really well together and our group was voted as the best group!
  • Something I'm Grateful For
    • This happy and horny feeling I have today. I just am productive and focused without much effort.
  • If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • Yes. I had a good lifting session in the gym, and then I worked on the CA course, which is the most important thing atm. Felt focused and energetic all day.
  • How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
    • I stuck to the times in my schedule all day. Actually, yesterday I honored my commitment to excellence by cleaning up the kitchen and making a good plan for today. Today, I honored my commitment to excellence by executing the plan as closely as I could. The plan doesn't work unless you work it!

Lucid Sex Dream

I was in some crossover between a bar and a spa. I think I was with a girl. There were a lot of women bathing. Then I realised: wait, I'm dreaming! I can actually fuck all these girls right here! So I had some fun and dragged some girls by the hair and made them give me blowjobs. But they were all on board, cause it was a dream and I knew I could steer it. I was fucking the second one when I realised I was not sure whether we were doing anal or not. I tried to inspect. Then I woke up.

 

In the dream before that, my friend J was a psychopathic murderer who talked to me in quite a relaxed way whilst he forced all these people to shoot themselves in the head. Some he drowned in a tank full of paint. And when I still heard them bubbling in there and they weren't dying fast enough, he shot them through the tank with his gun. It had a war-crimey vibe. All this was going on while he was explaining to me how to do what he did.

 

I don't know why there's always sex and murder in my dreams, but there is.


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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  • Remember A Success
    • We have a customer who has irrational fears about us using certain modern tools that we need (front-end frameworks), and so we were creating a big mess, but I stood my ground in several meetings, explained the arguments pro and got them to budge! So now we can use it, thanks to me.
  • Something I'm Grateful For
    • I'm grateful for my coworkers believing in me. I'm grateful to be in a position where people value my ideas, not just my grunt work.
  • If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • No.
  • How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
    • I honored my commitment to excellence by accepting the responsibility over the project and multiple people, did my best to delegate tasks and not get distracted by the pressure.

Feeling stressed out and angry today because the landlord is sending us emails that we are behind in rent, but their calculations are clearly wrong. I'm mostly stressed because I switched banks and don't have transaction records from before this year. So I'm not sure I can prove everything.

Also I just hate to be in a powerless position like this. This 500 a month is a lot for me and I don't have money or insurance for litigation. Basically I am defenceless and dependent on the landlord being reasonable and benevolent. It's things like this that make me think: man, I can't fucking wait until I'm rich.

Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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The Mindset module in Consulting Accelerator is - very deep stuff. Contains a lot of what I think is shadow work.

And I'm frustrated that it takes so long. Or that I am taking so long. I'm not sure which one it is.

I've already done so much dream writing and vision work. Now there is even more of that stuff to complete.

And I will, because I am committed to completing the course well.

But man, I just want to start making money. I worry about money daily.

Or not really worry, because worrying is thinking about something bad that might happen in the future.

It's more like being impatient: "It's November 2020 already and I still don't even have 10K in the bank. I'm 28 and still have to cut things from my groceries list to save money."

Thoughts like that.

And I know this isn't the "abundance mindset" or whatever. But hey I had an abundance mindset before, and you know what it got me? An empty savings account because I overspent every day!


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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  • Remember A Success
    • When I signed up for Toastmasters and worked for days to create my first speech. I did it and it was one of the best first speeches they had ever heard! I felt so good, I felt that I had found that I was talented.
  • Something I'm Grateful For
    • I'm grateful for the autumn sun today. It gave me a huge mood boost. I'm also grateful for the great work flow today. I feel like I just want to keep working because it's so much fun! This feeling used to be exclusive to heavily caffeinated days.
  • If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • Yes. I had fun. Refactoring is fun and satisfying.
  • How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
    • I honored my commitment to excellence by getting up on time. Starting work on time. Starting this journal break on time. I also was excellent by finishing up something my colleagues needed as soon as I could, without adding everything that I wanted but could do later. I also honored my commitment to excellence by taking every opportunity to help a colleague today.

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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Schermafbeelding 2020-11-13 170538.png

First 10 Days of 90 day challenge are going great

The blue columns are my focus for this period. Before, I did quite terrible at them and felt unhappy as a result.

Now, I'm doing well and as a result I feel happy.

I had the most productive 3 work days since a while.

Contributing factors:

  • I started running in the morning again. I should never have stopped. It's the best start of the day really.
  • I take my entire shower cold now
  • I stick to the times on my schedule and as a result I sleep better and feel better about how I spend my day
  • I don't look up anything non-work related during work, and as a result I am more productive than ever and feel very satisfied with my performance
  • I haven't ejaculated in 10 days, and as a result I feel energetic and positive
  • I clean up my desk, kitchen sink and other stuff daily so that everything looks neat and I feel mentally clear
  • I share the habit tracking sheet with a friend now, and the competitive element makes it easier to adhere
Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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I'm worried that the girl I'm dating doesn't want anything serious. She treats me a little too much like a fuckbuddy. She compliments my physical attractiveness a lot, which is nice, and she says I'm "interesting" and awesome, but she doesn't straight up say that she likes me. Perhaps that's just her way of it, but I feel like a piece of meat.

Also she just did something which I find incredibly rude - she cancelled on me and then did not reply afterwards. She asked "Can we meet next weekend instead?", which is fine, but then I said: "Sure, when exactly?" and she ignored that. For 28 hours now. When I think of the situation where I do that to people, and how important they are to me, I get a bad feeling.

Or she's just really overwhelmed. Still, I should have standards and protect my boundaries here. But I know better than to angry-text. So I guess I have to just wait until the damn weekend when she starts wondering when she'll see me. But to wait all that time, being pissed off and not saying anything, how pathetic is that? Ugh. I don't know how to handle this. She's being lovely otherwise: brings me cake she bakes, puts on really nice underwear, wears nice clothes for me, initiates sex, and then offers to leave because I was tired and need sleep.

I did something really nice for her when she was a bit ill. I brought her a literal fruit basket. Which she told me over and over how she appreciated that. Still, I wonder whether that shifted the power balance and made her take me for granted just a tad.

I actually want to stop playing games and being casual, and just be together as girlfriend and boyfriend. It's not going to be much different except for the commitment part, which I do want at this point. But how low would my self respect be if I were to propose that after she treats me like this?

Aargh. I'm too worried about what her reaction is. Does my happiness depend on her? No. But she is the only girl I'm dating currently, definitely the only one I deem to be girlfriend-worthy, and the most quality personality-wise I've been with probably ever.

But you know what, if she can't treat me right, she ain't all that.

How do I always end up being the girl in these things? ?

Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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I honored my commitment to excellence today by getting up at 6 and going for the same run, taking the same ice cold shower, as I do every day - DESPITE being hung over and sleep deprived from a slightly self-destructive drinking binge yesterday.

Good job Flowboy :)


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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  • Remember A Success
    • Two years ago I was dating a girl who never had had an orgasm during sex. Then, on a day that happened to be her birthday, I licked her until she came! She barely even knew what had happened. That was a success.
  • Something I'm Grateful For
    • I'm grateful for having great friends to talk to when I feel anxious
  • If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • Yes. I did important mindset work - creating a new identity and defining my 2021 goals.
  • How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
    • I honored my commitment to excellence by getting up on time even though I felt wrecked, going to the gym and doing a full workout even though I felt wrecked, and after coming back, sitting down at my desk to complete my work, instead of procrastinating it because I felt wrecked.
  • Daily Reflection Question: What am I avoiding?
    • I'm avoiding the pile of dishes, the pile of packaging material and my huge list of not-that-important things to do.

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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Emotional Connection or lack thereof

The girl I'm seeing I think is totally awesome, and I'm pretty sure she likes me a lot too. I had already decided in my mind that if I were to take 'the next step' with someone, she would be the one. Meaning, committing to a relationship.

But there's something missing. I think it is a certain level of vulnerability, knowing and loving the human sides of each other. If I ask myself: why do I want it to be a 'real' relationship, the answer is that I am longing for a deep level of intimacy, where the other person knows all your flaws and insecurities and weird corners of your mind.

Probably a big part of that is because I haven't been sharing in a truly vulnerable way. I have talked to her about my past insecurities, but presented it in a way where everything is awesome now. Yes, I used to have depression, yes I used to have ADD, yes I used to be aimless in life, but everything is awesome now, I know where I'm going and nothing is wrong.

Way to put up a shield.

I did this because I'm intimidated by her accomplishments, and don't want her to see me as 'beneath her level'.

Wow.

And she does the same thing around me, too, for example when she discusses the recent death of her friend, but she's not comfortable being sad around me.

So this pattern is mirroring itself in both of us, and if we want true intimacy, we have to break that pattern.

Because I want to be able to see through her, in her vulnerability, and hold space and hug her. Just not in a codependent way where you need each other.

Alright. Guess we have something to talk about :)


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

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Backlash

I drank coffee 2 days in a row and went quite insane. I have been pretending to work for 3 days, saying yes and amen to colleagues, lying about being at work while actually reading this forum, instagram and other things in an insane manner. Not out of interest, but just to escape.

Now there's pressure on me to complete 3 days of work within a few hours, or my lie will become obvious.

Also I overspent my money on food, overate sugar and unhealthy stuff, jerked off to porn. Until enjoyment became sheer panic.

Putting more pressure on myself, which doesn't work. Drinking caffeine, increasing stress and anxiety, which doesn't help.

Why am I not able to stop it?

Actually, I am: I just don't want to. On some level, I would rather have this temporary insanity because it lets me be free to do unimportant things.

I even crave sex with girls I'm not attracted to! Just because I crave for 'what I do' to not matter so much.

My ego wants me to be a good worker, it creates pressure but then it also hates that pressure and will bend many rules to escape it.

Why is it not enough that I let myself do these things one day a week?

I truly feel like a drug addict. I hate the feeling of being caffeinated, but still I go really out of my way to go buy a cup. Like a self-sabotaging robot.

I should create some sort of pattern interrupt sequence for myself, because this is a recurring problem which impacts my happiness and self esteem.

The dopamine monkey gets to take over the wheel, because the disciplined monk is not able to produce satisfaction. I suspect this is directly related to how big my list of things to do is. The bigger, the more unrealistic, the less worthwhile it seems to even start. So I could have prevented this by trimming it down on time.

I even feel like smoking tobacco now, and if I had it I probably would. But I won't really go to buy or ask for it, I don't want to fall that low.

 

Edit: I'm so out of my mind that I lost the ability to understand and read carefully. Or make rational choices. I'm trying to put on a rational face towards my colleague, trying to evaluate and comment on his work. APPARENTLY I'M STILL SAYING SMART THINGS even though I feel like I have no clue what's going on.

I drank so much caffeine and put so much pressure that I fucked myself out of clear reasoning ability. Panic blocks understanding.

I need to commit to a permanent way to handle this. This is just not cute anymore. It's also not cool and immoral to disappoint colleagues and stick them with all the work that I did not deliver on.

Also, if I can't handle this tiny amount of pressure, how am I going to handle the pressures of being an entrepreneur?

I have to implement a habit of regularly trimming my stack of to-do items. Just like clipping my fingernails.

Also, I have to remember that coffee doesn't make me productive, it just makes me panic and hate myself.

 

Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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Just met the first person who intuitively thinks the same about determinism as a way out of regret and into freedom.

What is it called when people think so much alike, they could have been brain twins?

 

Talking to him, I feel like my way of thinking is not weird, not something to be adapted, but amazing, unique and valuable. I finally feel validated in being completely myself, not having to change one little thing to be more palatable, more relatable, more understood.

I want to remember and maintain this frame and way of being, for when I am with my girl.

I gotta value myself and my uniqueness

Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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