flowboy

Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

790 posts in this topic

I saw a pretty girl at the supermarket, decided to not talk to her, and instantly felt depressed and like a coward.

Good to know I still have issues..


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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I harbour so much anger.

I still hate my ex for the humiliating way she let me believe her lies while she started fucking someone else when we broke up. Of course I hate myself for letting it happen and not setting boundaries, but I hate her too for her ugly lies and disloyal behavior.

And then she "magically" got pregnant right away. With the dude she cheated with. What a miracle!

And you know what? I did not wish them happiness. I tried really hard to be okay with it all, seeing it was for the best, but I failed to completely suppress the thought that she deserved for the baby to die, because it was born out of betrayal.

And you know what? It actually did. Their first baby was a stillborn.

You'd think that I'd care, but actually I felt a bit of joy when I heard that news. [And scared, WTF universe, I didn't mean that..!]

Guess I'm the villain in that lovestory. It's a good thing the story is not about me, but about them.

They had a second baby right away. I hope they live a long and happy life together.

...is what I'd say if I were actually that big of a person.

I'm not there yet. Currently I still want to punch both of them. I can even imagine a crime of passion. And you know what? That's okay. It was not alright the way she took advantage of my trust. It wasn't good how he literally wormed his way into my girlfriend's life while she was still committed to me. All the times I told her I didn't trust him, and she'd lie to me that it was nothing to worry about. I hope she gets fat and they fight and break up. I hope she tears her hair out when she finds out how successful I am, and regrets that she scewed it up for a loser like him.

 

Phew, that felt therapeutic to write down. So sorry for anyone who read through that. Or maybe you recognized some.

 

In other news, I met a really cute and funny woman in the park a few days ago, and our first official date lasted 9 hours! She's just a delight to hang around with, capable of joking, improvising, and intelligent conversation. Open-minded, likes wacky theories, an artist, and interested in dream herbs and psychedelics! Basically a witch with a sense of humor and a good ass.

Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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So I've been in my self-declared vacation for a week now, and I'm already at the point where I'm longing for structure and discipline again.

I suppose I tricked myself into thinking that sleeping late, being lax with routines and watching movies would be relaxing. It's not. Time is slipping through my fingers and I'm not able to focus on anything because there's no plan.

Plans are vital. Happiness is a byproduct of a good plan.

So I suppose I'm grateful for this opportunity to be reminded of why I meditate, why I work out and why I deprive myself of overly stimulating activities. It's a damn necessity for me to not go crazy.


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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Back from vacation

Whilst I did not see fit to travel abroad, I did enjoy a two-week period of letting go of the rules and discipline, going to bed and waking up when I want to.

Smoked some changa with a friend and got a nice reminder of how lovely low doses of DMT are.

Also got high on weed on a couple occasions. Did it by myself and then spontaneously followed along with a half hour yoga video. Turns out it does indeed combine very well. I'm used to weed making me uncomfortable, insecure and paranoid. Lots of uncomfortable body sensations too, that usually make me wish it's over. This time the focus on body and breath grounded me, my breathing didn't feel restricted. I even felt the footstep that I have felt on my heart area got lifted. Also I kept the dose low.

I'm thinking maybe I'm growing out of the habit of taking too much of everything. That would be a cool development. Who knows, maybe in a few weeks I'll be able to keep a chocolate bar half-eaten in my cupboard for days.

It would surely be nice to keep coffee in the house and not drink it. Or beer, for that matter.

There is even a pack of tobacco I bought to roll the joints with, in my room. And I'm not even obsessively thinking about it! Sure it's a little bit seductive, but also I remember how gross and dirty I always feel, smelling my hands, knowing I inhaled all that nonsense just for a nicotine buzz. It makes me feel weak.

I know that if I roll one cigarette from it, I'll have to then throw it out, along with any chocolate and alcohol [tbh, probably consume it all at once], and go back to being a person who has to empty his house of anything unhealthy, because he might consume anything in excess that is around. But for now, I'm good. We'll see :)

Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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Coaching - jokes and reality

I joked to someone on the forum today that I offered a coaching program. Then it hit me - that might be worth a try. I've been told by multiple friends that I offer good insights and emotional intelligence, and I enjoy helping my friends with that. I always have.

Of course I'm not allowed to promote myself doing that on this forum, but I think I actually will start something, as an experiment.

Yes, I'm full of shadow, and a work in progress. But that's actually good, because I'll have to keep working on myself too while helping others. And that will allow me to stay humble and not get a big head about knowing everything.

I might actually do this... it suits me much better than the latest business plan I was working on. Which was so far from my natural abilities, so why not try this first?

I've dealt with ADD, depression, anxiety to talk to women, low self-esteem, lack of life purpose... overcome most of those, some I still struggle with, but I've been very aware of how the process works and why, every step of the way. I might be totally delusional, but there must be some gold nuggets I can share...

Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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Coffee - The Unexpected End Boss

My life is about proving that it is possible to function well without dependence on substances, for the type of person that typically gets the label 'ADD' this day and age now.

I hate to admit it, but I still struggle a lot with distraction and inability to focus. This gets really bad when detoxing from caffeine (as I am now). I've decreased my intake by limiting myself to tea for the past 4 days. I feel like a dumb dumdum. I want to sleep a lot. I feel unable to feel normal motivation. I don't know what I'm saying half the time. It's making me depressed to change from a guy who excels at his job, to a guy who can't remember why he liked it, and is actually pretending to understand what he does.

The other mode I have is overuse of caffeine. It works: I'm good at programming, I get stuff done. However my body hates it, I never get enough sleep and I burn out.

I just read these quotes on a caffeine quitting subreddit, and they inspired me as well as shocked me:

quotes quitting caffeine 1.pngquotes quitting caffeine 2.pngquotes quitting caffeine 3.png

 

So, at my last caffeine quit, I lasted 30 days. Then, I PANICKED at work because I was fucking sick of feeling like an impostor who can't even do his job for one hour of the day. I drank decaf. It helped amazingly. Then I was sold and convinced myself that programming was just not possible without caffeine, and that I would just keep using it for that, only on work days. I saw no other solution.

 

I did NOT know that the benefits of quitting take 40-70 DAYS to kick in. Not 30. I did not give it enough time.

Also, I tried going cold turkey and did not place any value on tapering off first. This is a typical trap for me: ALL or NOTHING.

If I switched to tea and chocolate, I hadn't achieved anything in my skewed view.

Conversely, if I went back and drank a single cup of decaf, then I was back on. If I then drank 3 strong mugs the day after that, I would not perceive that as worse. I saw it way too binary.

The way out of this last substance addiction is to go against my binary instincts and taper off until I can subsist on tea and 3 black cups a week only. Then, I need to cut out all caffeine and give it 90 DAYS. Oh, man did I underestimate this.

Let's see: I taper off in the next two weeks, then I start my path of suffering in August, which means I'll have won the battle by the end of October, my 28th birthday!

This is some serious shit.

 

I regret my bitching about caffeine on here as much as this. Part of me believes it should be easy to stop. Part of me believes it doesn't matter, I should just leave this relatively innocent addiction alone and get on with my purpose.

But the frustration, stress and frequent burnout-like states are a real problem. And reading these people's experiences on the internet convinced me, I'm on to something here.

It apparently actually causes your thoughts to get messy and distract you! It also causes you to skip over half the things you read, be impatient and have a short attention span.

Is caffeine an actual cause of AD(H)D? A contributing factor at least. I'm sure of it.

If I truly want to stick it to Big Pharma and have better focus than I ever could with ritalin, then I better get rid of the black monster for good!

 

 


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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So apparently now when I drink coffee, it doesn't even feel good anymore. I get a very anxious and chaotic energy for 3 hours, then I get SUPER depressed for some hours and without any willpower and focus. All the while being super chaotic, even when it's working.

Today started with the embarassment of waking up an hour later than I should have started work. Having to tell my coworkers sorry, I messed up setting my alarm.

Then not having the discipline to actually work in the time that I get paid for it, and the immense guilt and self hate that follows.

What is wrong with me? I was doing so well, with the detox and the discipline.

Tomorrow is psychedelic trip day.

After that, dopamine detox is starting over!

And I'm going to feel more positive about myself.


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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  1. Remember A Success
    • I remember joining Toastmasters and making an inspiring speech about using motion to influence thoughts and perception creating reality. It was my very first time giving a speech since kindergarten, and it was received well and rated 10/10
  2. Something I'm Grateful For
    • I'm grateful that I met a girl who is smart and who I can talk spirituality and other common interests with
  3. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • I spent most of my productive time processing notes today. Things I had written down chaotically for myself to someday think about again and type them up somewhere in an organized fashion.
      Although it's a hassle and a lot of work when your mind produces a lot of ideas, I think it helps my creative process to revisit some insightful thoughts a few days or weeks later.
    • I had an inspiring video call with some potential business partners today. I revealed that I had been thinking about my life's purpose more deeply and decided that I only wanted to work on a business related to that. Although I was prepared to end the collaboration on this reason, instead I was pleasantly surprised that we seem to have some causes and values in common that I didn't know about!
    • So, yes.

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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  1. Remember A Success
    • When I started my first business with a friend many years ago, I actually landed us our first client, through networking.
  2. Something I'm Grateful For
    • I am grateful for my best friend, who is like a brother to me.
  3. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • No. I was at work for 11 hours.
  4. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
    • I made time to help a colleague. I tested my code through and through, and uncovered more issues that I could fix.

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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  1. Remember A Success
    • I remember that two weeks ago I decided I want to try coaching, crafted a sales letter, emailed it to 7 people and that already got someone interested to become my client. I will call that a success!
  2. Something I'm Grateful For
    • Today I am grateful for two of my friends, whom I had a glorious and productive brainstorming session with just now
  3. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • Yes. Absolutely. Helping myself get my shit together just became more meaningful now that I'm preparing to help others get their shit together. And during the brainstorming session we dreamed up a business idea that feels close to my heart and deeply meaningful.
  4. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
    • I refined my plan for the first coaching session again and again. Made sure I was prepared and that it will fit in the time. And during the day I spent extra time on maintaining my daily and weekly schedule so that I wouldn't be a hypocrite and also it would be fresh in my mind so I could better connect with the subject.

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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  1. Remember A Success
    • I remember when I set out to get a job in another city, a couple months ago. The first job opening I clicked looked really cool, and it required a video application. I recorded a video on the spot, using my webcam, improvised the whole thing. I nailed the first, second and third job interview.
  2. Something I'm Grateful For
    • Today I am grateful for my problems. For how spoiled would my mind be had I not to suffer.
  3. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • No. I worked alone for my job in a way too hot apartment.
  4. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
    • I tested my code in all the ways I could think of. I offered my colleagues help. I started work early.

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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  1. Remember A Success
    • I remember totally saving a meeting with a team we were cooperating with. My coworker displayed poor social skills and seemed to attack them. I rescued the situation by letting the others talk, listening, being positive and curious.
  2. Something I'm Grateful For
    • Today I am grateful for having found back my discipline. I know that it's going to be the single thing that saves me.
  3. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • No.
  4. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
    • I started work early. I went hard at the gym and finished my whole workout. I promised to make up for the missed hours and I am. I saw an opportunity to improve some code and I did.

Oh man. This is day 3 or 4 of no caffeine and it's been brutal, but bearable. It's like waking up on day 2 being the slowest and stupidest of them all, with depression and super emotionally sensitive. Unable to enjoy things. This led to me reacting poorly in a text conversation and causing a fight/breakup.

It was an interesting way to meet my fear of abandonment and seeing the circularity in it. She withdrew, in this typical way where people just text back less enthusiastically and you don't know what the hell is up. And then I feel the uncontrollable urge to either express my discontent, lash out or make up a story of why their behaviour makes no logical sense and I am owed an explanation.

And this has at numerous occasions led to me sending emotionally charged texts, desperately trying to control the situation. Which resulted in the person withdrawing, often perminently. I just randomly forgot how to spell perminent. Permanent. What.

One BENEFIT of this caffeine-free state is that my body finally feels healthy again. I can literally feel blockages dissolving. The nerve pain in my ear has finally let up. I just feel physical warmth, gratitude and bliss, and more connected with my body.

Caffeine severs the head and makes it forget about the body, so it can manically stress about its projects and problems. It even reduces brain blood flow. It's a poison. I am positively certain. Why many others tolerate it well into their old age I don't know, but my body is clearly saying it's done with this poison. And that's fine. Who needs a scattered and stressed life anyway. Ahead lays a more integrated, balanced and calm life. Calm but effective.

Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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  1. Remember A Success
    • I remember being at Toastmasters and thinking: man, it would be cool if we could bring a vocal coach in. And then I did, I organized and cohosted the event and arranged for a vocal coach to do a session with the whole Toastmasters audience. It was great.
  2. Something I'm Grateful For
    • Today I am grateful for my circle of warm, open-minded friends.
  3. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • Yes.
  4. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
    • I persevered in living my day by a schedule, and maintaining that discipline to do what it says. I took care of myself in many important ways. I put effort into communicating my vision well to a person with whom there was a synchronicity. This required being vulnerable.

 


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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  • Remember A Success
    • I remember the time I was a salesman and sold 6 contracts in one day, where 2 was the norm.
  • Something I'm Grateful For
    • Today I am grateful for the nature in my close environment that we get to swim in and enjoy.
  • If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • Yes. We had a swim and a picnic. It's really hot weather. Then we had sex on a microdose of psilocybin. Really nice day.
  • How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
    • Even though I am having a female guest over, I still resolved to properly do my journaling and complete my evening routine. I think that is the first time I've done that. That is excellent.

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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Everything was going so well, and then I had to open Netflix and go way past my bedtime on a very mediocre movie.

Oh well. Good day nonetheless.

  • Remember A Success
    • I remember writing my first speech for Toastmasters and it being received very well, as a 10/10 for an icebreaker.
  • Something I'm Grateful For
    • Today I am grateful having found meaning.
  • If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • Yes. I processed my notes and worked on the coaching program. I got new ideas, got great tips. In the evening I had a very nice call with some friends about a cool project. I feel inspired.
  • How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
    • I followed through on commitments. Someone else let slip but I didn't follow. I did what I thought was best and did not abandon, and it worked out.

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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  • Remember A Success
    • I remember feeling horny one day, knocking on my attractive neighbour's door with the proposal to have tea, hitting on her and starting a great FWB relationship right then and there.
  • Something I'm Grateful For
    • Today I am grateful for living in a free country with great internet access, enabling me to pull myself up using great resources like Actualized.org and Sam Ovens
  • If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • Yes. I spent the day preparing and doing the coaching call with the client. Very nervous, very rewarding.
  • How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
    • I immediately processed my notes after the call ended. Even suppressed the desire to take a walk first. I had the foresight that to be able to handle multiple coaching calls a day, I need the discipline to not let these notes accumulate on a stack.

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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  1. Remember A Success
    • When my friend launched her first ever paid workshop, and needed 6 people to break even, I decided to help out and got 3 friends to join. When a couple of them canceled last minute, I messaged other people and did not stop until I filled those spots.
  2. Something I'm Grateful For
    • I am grateful for having running water and a freezer. Oh my, how would I survive these hot days without those luxuries?
  3. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • No.
  4. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
    • Even though I had brain fog, I kept fighting off distractions and lack of sleep, and managed to make quite some headway at the task at work that was assigned to me. Even with half the brain power.

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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  1. Remember A Success
    • When I was working a miserable callcenter job and got an opportunity to become a programmer, I went to the library and got a huge stack of books to study up on contemporary techniques, and I nailed the interview and got the job. Happy times followed.
  2. Something I'm Grateful For
    • I am grateful for God giving me the aptitude and interest in programming, providing me with direction and a way to make a living when I needed it.
  3. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • No.
  4. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
    • I worked for 9.5 hours straight, taking only a 10 minute break. At my job. Without caffeine. Kept refocusing and got a lot done. And I tested thoroughly.

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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  1. Remember A Success
    • I remember deciding I should go on a work vacation where I follow a rigid schedule. I shared the idea with a friend and he was in. That idea became a popular tradition with my entrepreneurial friends, and we're looking forward to our third time now.
  2. Something I'm Grateful For
    • I am grateful for my friend A, I feel just naturally good and happy in his company and he understands everything.
  3. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
    • Yes. Even though it was tough, figuring out how to do accounting for my first sale, these are the golden days of starting a business.
  4. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
    • I did not guess or give up when the research became boring and confusing, but kept going until I got it. I also did not waste time and let it take too long. I struck a good balance between excellent understanding and excellent time management.

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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Happy

I realised today that I've never been this okay before.


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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