How to make a right decision when you do not feel emotionally healthy

[Mikie]

 

Hey guys,

Feeling completely lost and burnt out and would really appreciate a piece of advice or just a kind word.

TL/DR:

I have multiple directions where I can take my life, and struggle to figure out which way to go:

• Commit and invest into a career that I grew to dislike to fulfill numerous obligations and  immediate desires
• Take a break and dive into extreme debt and poverty while putting desires on hold for an indefinite time
• Switch career with the same consequences

Long version:

My wife and I have immigrated to the U.S. from Russia 4 years ago. It's been, without an exaggeration, the worst 4 years of my life. Dept, living paycheck to paycheck, stress, 0 social life, 0 vacation and all that jazz that many immigrants go through. This September I switched from being a contractor to a full-time employee at a company where I worked for the last couple of years. Money is a lot better, health, dental, boss likes me, and all that good stuff. I also have an interview with Amazon coming up in a couple of weeks, and, as I try to grind and prepare for it, I start to question if it's the way to go.

I have many wants and needs, and making one decision would sacrifices which I am not ready to take. E.g.:

• If I stick to my career, I'd go against my true desires, and I'm afraid that I might end up with serious psychological problems. I don't like my career, and I am extremely exhausted. Immigration venture was pretty difficult, and I haven't had a vacation since February 2015
• I really want to take a sabbatical, but If I do that, I'd lose my benefits, including the health insurance and ability to go to therapy, and I will have to postpone my visit home. I haven't seen my parents of friends since January 2015. I'd also end up in debt
• If I try and switch career, I'd have the same consequences, with the benefit of finally doing what I like, but I don't know if I'd be able to fully commit. For the last couple of years I've been trying to make positive changes and few of them stick, and I slide back most of the time. I feel like I'm not strong enough to face this sort of challenges

My wife cannot help because she doesn't make any money yet.

I feel tired and psychologically unstable to make any important decisions of such sort, and I don't know what to do here. So yeah… here it is. I don't know what to do and I hoped that strangers from the internet would know haha. Thanks for reading!

[aurum]

1 hour ago, Mikie said:

Commit and invest into a career that I grew to dislike to fulfill numerous obligations and  immediate desires

What is the career you imagine you'd like instead?

[Mikie]

@aurum It's music. Songwriting, performing, producing, film-scoring.

[aurum]

14 minutes ago, Mikie said:

@aurum It's music. Songwriting, performing, producing, film-scoring.

I don't think there's an easy answer here. You're in a really tough spot.

It's cool that you want to be in music, but it sounds like you haven't taken many practical steps towards making that happen. Which means you're likely years away from being able to sustain yourself financially on that.

You also have a wife who is financially dependent on you, which makes things complicated.

If you want the best of both worlds, i.e financial stability and to chase your dreams, you're just going to have to spend every moment of free time working on your music career.

Otherwise, quit your job and deal with the inevitable consequences.

What do you think?

[Mikie]

@aurum That's pretty much my thought process. I don't see how I can advance noticeably while maintaining a full-time job, but I'm too scared of the consequences of quitting my job or even going part-time.

In a perfect scenario, I'd take a few months off, go home and stabilize emotionally, and then I'd work on musicianship while working part-time, but it's impossible due to financial reasons. 

What motivated me to write this post was the fact that it feels wrong to grind for the interview. I've been postponing my entire life. 'I'm going to focus on my goals when I graduate/find job/move to the U.S./get green card', and now it's 'get a better job/travel home'. I don't know if it's just another excuse and I trick myself into sticking to a 'safe' path or if I'm being genuinely prudent and rational. Amazon job would look great on my CV and it'd help me find a good part-time gig, but I already feel like I'm too old to make it in music. 

Really appreciate your input, man! Thanks for spending your time helping folks on this forum. 

Edited January 13, 2019 by Mikie

[aurum]

1 hour ago, Mikie said:

I don't know if it's just another excuse and I trick myself into sticking to a 'safe' path or if I'm being genuinely prudent and rational.

Sounds like you do actually know.

1 hour ago, Mikie said:

In a perfect scenario, I'd take a few months off, go home and stabilize emotionally, and then I'd work on musicianship while working part-time, but it's impossible due to financial reasons. 

That does sound perfect, but I wouldn't expect perfect. I would expect things to be messy.

My situation is different than yours, but I've done all sorts of jobs I didn't like in order to finance what I'm doing. It's a day to day challenge.

1 hour ago, Mikie said:

Really appreciate your input, man! Thanks for spending your time helping folks on this forum. 

No problem brotha.