Bojan

Depression

12 posts in this topic

I am depressed because I don't have a life purpose and because I don't have a definite plan of achieving it. How do I know what I want? Do I want to become a programmer? Do I want to become an actor? I can't do this anymore. If I go out of this country, that is it, I will have to work for survival and hopefully be able to afford rent. If I stay here, I will be living with poison and still basically have the same amount of time and energy to read. Still, it is hard to say what I want out of life when it comes to career. A better citizenship can get me a green card for the US. 

Edited by Bojan

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You only come to know what you want by getting more life experience. Go out there and try new things. If you are really depressed I would suggest getting a therapist.

Edited by ivory

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Your mental energetic resources are spread everywhere (very exhausting), and if you look for answers logically to all of your problems at once-it is like the equivalent of trying to catch fish with a net that has a hole in it. Instead of being a 100 watt lightbulb try and be a 100 watt laser beam that cuts through sheet metal.

To do this you have to break it down by realizing what is your highest opportunity for growth, what one thing if you transform within a given time frame will change your life the most? What is the one thing that is always bubbling up to the surface in your life? That thing you rather throw under the covers or back in the closet? That is what you need to work on. 

To do this just reverse engineer your end state goal, and start taking steps to change it. Be gentle with yourself awesome and rare things take work and emotional labor.

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@Equanimitize I can give 5,600 BAM instead of taking from my parents for 2 years of schooling in this college that I hate. From the people to the subjects. Instead of going for 3 years, I can apply for the United States work and travel program (debt) and when I am there, I can hope that I don't get arrested for more than 6 years and get a citizenship. 

Or I can drop out of this college and sign up for a cheap public one, but stay here one extra year and get in no debt. 

 

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@Nahm

My diet and fitness: beans with a salad, nothing is organic and the sunflower oil is processed. Sometimes I have to prepare food and it takes time, but I'm hungry, then my mom gives me something unhealthy, especially during the holidays. But that won't happen again. Ever. 

What I don't want (written yesterday before bed): 

  • to be poor
  • to have no money
  • to be quiet
  • losing my room
  • humiliation
  • to be a programmer
  • Sweden and Norway
  • Italy and Britain
  • to waste money on private college
  • boyfriend over 25 
  • to be a warehouse mate
  • to be a blue-collar person in Bosnia
  • to be an illegal immigrant in the US
  • to dance
  • to be stupid
  •  to be around people while they are smoking or drinking alcohol
  • homophobic's 
  • to be a Bosnian lawyer
  • to be a businessman 
  • to own a tech business
  • to read history or math
  • to study English in Bosnia
  • to study agriculture
  • to live with my family
  • to waste another year outside the US
  • to study politics or sociology (maybe I would but not here)
  • go to college
  • to feel cold
  • to live in NY
  • to be without a good car or any car
  • dysfunctional bicycle and bad weather
  • work like a wage slave over 40 hours a week
  • to grow old without sex
  • to marry someone I don't love and have sex
  • to sit here while I'm dying
  • to eat cheap food and no variety 
  • to read philosophy or IT in Bosnia
  • doing handstands and dangerous gymnastics for physical college
  • basketball or soccer
  • to go to Hollywood and come back with nothing
  • to end up with no life purpose after all
  • bad luck
  • staying here
  • never to see this place again
  • to be inauthentic
  • to be straight 
  • Serbian language

 

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@ivory You have no idea how I'd like to do that. I am probably most excited with new experiences. But l had some stuff in life that made me alert to threats all the time. I'd go to France right now and learn the language. But that costs a lot. And Spain and Brazil, Thailand, Dubai. Not to mention how much I'd like to have new sex experiences. Most of all, I'd like to go to California. I could take my backpack and go to France right now, or even better, to Spain. But I would waste all my money, cause I don't speak the language and I don't have any marketable skills. It's too easy.

Edited by Bojan

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What I do want: 

  • Strength 
  • Speed
  • To be rich
  • To be in nature swim in the river and see the fish
  • American citizenship or green card
  • 22 year old pop star
  • To act
  • To be highly intelligent, socially intelligent, smart and powerful
  • To read books (stories)
  • Los Angeles > Hollywood  
  • To study in English 
  • To be in the US withing 3 years from now
  • Good bicycle and warm weather 
  • Variety of organic food around me
  • To work on movies 40 hours a week
  • Super fit body
  • Weight lifting
  • Being in nature
  • Maybe to make gay movies and the world gay friendly 
  • A good car 
  • Sports car
  • English language
  • To change my name (and last name)
  • To make millions of dollars 
  • To live alone
  • Grow old and remember having a sexual experience of a lifetime
  • Life purpose 
  • A house, an eco house 
  • To be loving
  • Travel
  • Filmmaking and movie acting 
  • Praise 
  • power 
  • Beautiful 
  • Balance and harmony 
  • To live with a husband that I love so much 
Edited by Bojan

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Seems to me like you are way to stuck in fantasy. Absolutely, have your dreams and visions, it is extremely important but before you can be depressed because you dont have a lot of money, expensive cars and live in hollywood you need to put the basic shit together. Get a proper job in your country, accumulate some capital, move away from your parent's home and work on developing yourself. This may take you another 10 years but it will get you somewhere. 

I know a lot of people who have worked and lived in US and came back broken, poor, depressed after their rich american dream has left them doing dishes, serving in restaurants and working 3 jobs to pay rent. You can do it...ofcourse you can...many europeans have become wealthy in US and have incredible jobs, apartments in large cities earning 100K a year but majority haven't...in the eyes of American citizens you will always be an imigrant event if you have a green card....I know this because I am an easter european living in the UK and can definitely feel it although nobody tells you directly....in States people are more direct and more straight to the point so they'll let you know more often than not.  There are many rich and developed countries in Europe although although I see you have excluded some of those already.

If you keep seeing your current life as wasted, its like you are not living at all, your youth is passing between your fingers, you are not growing and resisting every single opportunity people would offer you as long as it is outside of US. 

On 15/01/2019 at 11:07 AM, Bojan said:

I can apply for the United States work and travel program (debt) and when I am there, I can hope that I don't get arrested for more than 6 years and get a citizenship.

also...reading this tells me you don't have a long term plan you are just kinda hoping luck, destiny and universe will bow down to you. Life don't work that way. Sorry to be harsh but life is hard for us who want to escape our poorer countries and savour some of the richer lands. Can definitely be done but requires a lot of work and planning. It took me 2 years to get a proper job (not internship and side jobs) once I came to the UK...and thats still Europe and a country with (for now) very open policies towards migration. 

Edited by Michael569
wording

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@Bojan 

How often are you looking at that list, pictures of such things, and feeling & visualizing yourself doing them?

Who’s stopping you from beginnning those things?

Do you feel you can experience all of that in this lifetime, in an enjoyable manor?

How many people can you name who had a much tougher situation, and yet experienced those, or similar things, in their life?

How did they turn their situational ‘weakness’ into personal strengths?

What methods, practices, perspectives, etc, did they employ?

What is their advice, and do you not only understand the intuitive advice, but also the counter intuitive advice?

 


  Nonduality & Meditations          Have You Worked On Your Alone?

Empty your head, fill your heart.            

 

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@Bojan I've been in your shoes. You're shooting for the stars. You need to aim much, much lower for now. Practice acceptance. You can't make any progress without it. I would highly recommend getting a therapist. They are here to help.

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