Journey to my best self (the very beggining)

[disconnected]

I have no idea how to journal or what to start writing here...should I write like I'm writing for myself? For other readers?? No idea..so I'll just put whatever I feel/experience into words as best I can.

 

The purpose of this journal is to help me get stuff off my mind/soul...but I kind of feel happy about sharing my personal, deep experiences with people on this forum...somehow I feel that the majority of us are here for relatively the same reasons, so if you're reading this, I appreciate you and the journey you're on

 

As I said...no idea how to journal so I'll just list random stuff below that might not be relevant but heck..who cares.

My background:

Country: Romania

Age: 26 (27 in March)

Sex: Male

Addictions: Cigarettes, Porn

Other vices (casual to rare use): Mary Jane, boosters (only at parties), alcohol (rarely)

Fears: fear of loneliness, fear of being publicly humiliated, fear of not satisfying a girl sexually, fear of not being liked by people I like, fear of confrontation (only fighting and only if the guy is much bigger and also angry)

I'll update this section whenever something comes to mind.

 

The reason why I joined this forum back in August was that I had just broken up with my ex (of 5 and a half years) about 2 months prior to that. The pain was immense and I felt a rollercoaster of emotions...from hatred, to sorrow, to pitty and self-doubt, but whenever I get into a situation that is unpleasant, I start looking for solutions to get out of it, and this led me to Leo's videos (among others) and after watching a few videos, I joined the forum...so here I am.

Along with the reason for joining...there's a reason for me coming back now. Throughout these past few months I've been in a constant battle with my inner self.

After watching A LOT of videos on YouTube, I've started to understand what I'm going through, what caused the breakup (at least part of the things...or my side of the faults), what flaws I've had in my behavior and what I can do to correct them. Most of all, I did not let go of this ambition of reaching the best version of myself, so right now I'm on the journey of doing just that.

I've realized that throughout these years of relationship, even though I've advanced professionally, I haven't improved myself on a personal level that much. Or at least not in the direction that I would now want to go in.

I grew up without a father by my side, as he left the country when I was 5, and went to the U.S. to work, and stayed there until I was about 18 years old.

My parents got divorced when I was 7, and although my father would still call on a regular basis and we kept in touch, it wasn't the same thing as growing up with a father figure by my side. This has definitely affected me and the man I am today.

He's back in country now (in a different city with his new wife) and we get along well. We talk on the phone on a somewhat regular basis and we have a good connection when we do.

My mom is the most loving and kind person I know. She raised me as best she could, alone, with a salary that wasn't even close to what I would now consider decent. I always had food on the table, I always had clothes on my back..sure they weren't fancy...but she did ALL she could to make sure that I'm not lacking anything.

I love my mom and one of my goals is to be able to provide for her one day, and make sure that she's not lacking absolutely anything, and that most of all, she's happy.

 

My current status (and path towards it):

When I was about 16 years old, I started getting into graphic design...a little photoshop here and there..and I've gotten the hang of it.

I didn't like going to school, so I actually wanted to do something else that would not require me to study or go to school. I was also procrastinating A LOT, which I later realized was a huge waste of time.

When I was about 20 years old, I met the girl that was to become my girlfriend for 5+ years. I adored her and I loved her with all my heart.

She is from the same city as me, and we started talking at the beginning of the summer, through Facebook. I actually had another girlfriend (of about 4 years) at the time, however, the relationship was really not what it should've been (due to us being kids and not knowing better...she was and still is an amazing girl).

We didn't actually meet until September, when I asked her out, although I think we fell in love before even meeting. 2 weeks after we met, she was getting ready to move to another city (about 400km away) for university (1st year)..and I felt like I couldn't lose her. So I actually had some friends going to the same city for university...and decided to visit "them" but also see her. So I did.

I actually did this quite a few times, and after a while, I started looking for a job in this city. I tried my luck at a few jobs, and for all except one (fuck that dude haha, he was an asshole), I actually performed extremely well.

After about a year and a half in this new city, I joined a corporate IT company in the QA department (entry level didn't need experience), and throughout the years I've reached the Project Manager position and coordinated teams of 13 to 24 people.

Now...throughout these years, we've had a lot of ups and downs...like...A LOT...however, I think that besides the fact that we loved each-other...a major role in us remaining together was the fact that we lived together.

At one point, after about a year and a half of university, she dropped out and got a job. This wasn't necessary, but it was her choice (her parents still don't know).

She worked multiple jobs, and is now a hairstylist at a high-end, well known salon.

7 months after being promoted to Project Manager, I've decided to go to another company. I was very valued at my previous company, I learned A LOT and I also had my first mentor there. He was my boss and he was very demanding, but my first promotion was in his team, and I got motivated by him, and reached the same position he was in. So after about 3 and a half years in this company, he was my colleague, not my superior <3 and this felt amazing. We are now friends and we go for coffee every now and then.

He changed companies as well after I left, and has proposed to me to join the company he's in. I'm currently pondering on that.

The company I now work in offers QA services to clients. I actually work with Facebook now...yes...THE Facebook. We also have other clients...and one of them is Oath (owns Yahoo, etc, etc) and this client will be handed to me at the end of this month (yaay!).

 

My goals:

-Be emotionally centered and strong.

-Develop a strong character

-Improve my relationships and the quality of people I hang with

-Improve my mindsets and behavior

-Improve physically (I'm fit but skinny, I want to bulk)

-Be mindful of everything I do