Thittato

My meditation journal

1,350 posts in this topic

30 min ganja yoga as I came home form work. Haha. Something I've been suddenly pulled towards is the combination yoga and cannabis. I had a little bit around, and I discovered ganja yoga yesterday as I was googling "yoga and cannabis," so when I now came home I was inspired to try it out. Wow. It was really nice. That yoga-instructor really knows what she is talking about. She is giving very prescise and artistic cues which really makes you lean into the cannabis experience through a beautifully crafted guided yoga program. I've always been scared of the cannabis experience. It wasnt't really for me when I grew up. It was way too edgy. I didn't get that relaxing effect most people get. I got high in a different way. But now it feels like I'm becoming friends with cannabis. It was too edgy for me without the yoga, but with the yoga it gives me the perfect balance. It also feels like using it in a very healthy way. Like using it for its healthy spiritual potential. Wow. Namaste.

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Tonight: I did a 15 min session called Ganja Yoga: Embodiment Meditation. Also while under the influence. It was very relaxing, but at the same time it is very clear that I'm in a very painful period, so the relaxation helped me relax the pain and look at it with honest clearity. 3 sentences stood out: "I'm feeling very lonly," I'm having an identity crisis," and "I should probably go back to therapy."

This pandemic has been really taxing on my whole being, and especially with the way that I interact with other people and get a sense of meaning and belonging when it comes to the human race.

So one thing lead to another, and I ended up finding the skydiving family, which seemed like the perfect place to establish a new sense of belonging and meaning in life, in this challenging time we are in with this pandemic.

And then I failed at that course, and now I'm sitting here lonely, and I'm feeling expelled from my family.

AND I think it is exactly that which have been triggered!

Yeah, I have a pretty deep wound when it comes to feeling expelled from my family.

Exactly this feeling has not been coming up for me before. There has been elements of it here and there, but not as clear as this. It is probably very good for me right now that I can learn to embrace this feeling now that I see/feel it so clearly.

I will hold that feeling like it was my own child that needed comfort, safety, and support.

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Yesterday: Only cold shower

Today: Cold shower and 30 min ganja yoga session together with a beautiful and super-friendly and fun female friend. Wow, that was some really nice, fun and healthy space we created together there. Very uplifting, beautiful, and soft space. That was so interesting. My first experience of sharing a session of ganja yoga with someone. Women are such amazing creatures. So full of vitality, beauty, care, fun, compassion, and sensitivity. One of the greatest joys in life is to crack up in laughter together with a woman. You just really understand something utterly hilarious together.

The thing that was triggered in my previous post seems to have landed really well. It was really good to get those feelings expressed. Immediately following that day I've been having two really nice and sweet days where everything have seemed right and good. Actually right after writing my previous post it started to land. I was at the peak of expressing those feelings in my previous post and immidiately following the intensity started to fade. I made a discovery where I found a feeling I hadn't been honest with myself about, and finally I could see it clearly and express it.

It was also really nice and comforting to see that I could ride out a process like that on my own. That is what I needed my therapist for before.

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Cold shower, and then 1 hour yoga down at the beach this morning. First yoga-class I go to in a very long time (except youtube). So nice. Seems like this manic tendency I have about "getting somewhere" has really calmed down, and I'm just enjoying doing it for its own sake right now for the most part. Basically it is just nice to enjoy moving ones body. Our bodies are made for movement. It is nice to enjoy a much broader range of the available potential for movement. And it doesn't feel right at all when the body starts to feel rusty because of lack of exercise. So better just continue to enjoy it :)

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Today: Only cold shower so far.

Yesterday: 15 min Ganja Yoga: Embodiment Meditation. First these 15 guided minutes, and then probably a good hour or more of continuing to meditate in the space that I was brought into. Wow. That went really really deep into some meditative states. From relaxing the body, to letting go of the body and going deep into meditation. I've never been exploring this side of cannabis so deeply before. I've always found it way too intense and uncomfortable. But that is because I couldn't use it for recreation. It never was recreational for me. It was always putting me in too much therapeutic/spiritual process. But now I found a very clear way to cultivate the therapeutic and spiritual use of it, and I'm very enthusiastic about that.

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1 hour beach yoga today as well. Holy smokes. So sweet. My body is starting to feel really really strong. This summer is starting to develop into an interesting theme. Especially with the Ganja Yoga that suddenly appeared.

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1 hour beach yoga today as well, and then I went home, smoked som hashish and did 25 min of Ganja Yoga, and after the yoga I did a music meditation for 20 min, and then I did some weight-lifting after that. And lots of unstructured time as well in this session where I was just lying in bed for instance going deep into meditative spaces. This whole session lastet for 5 hours. It was pretty awesome smoking hashish after one hour of yoga, and then to do the Ganja Yoga after that. So much rest and spiritual nourishment. And also so nice to ride out the wave of cannabis through channeling that energy into the yoga-energy. Such and interesting mix merging those two energies into one session.

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Cacao-ceremony, sound-bath, and bhajan.

So my own little ganja yoga ceremony early in the day eventually led to me going to a cacao-ceremony later in the day with a group of 20 people out in nature. So nice. I need more of that - community with spiritual people. In cacao-ceremonies we always establish an intention that we ask Mother Cacao for help with. My intention was to use the cacao to deepen my relationship with yoga. Pretty simple, but at the same time straight to the core.

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I'm a big believer in Wim Hof breathing and cold showers. I've been consistent with this for awhile and get great benefit. It's funny but the cold showers still aren't easy for me, there's always mental pushback. And right now the water is relatively warm since it's July. That January water is so cold. How natural is it for you to get in the cold showers? Do you have any pushback? What do you tell yourself? Sometimes I just say to myself that this is going to be the toughest thing I do today, or steal Wim's "the cold is a merciless yet righteous teacher". Things like that. I love the breathing though - my meditation after is much better and more easily focused.

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On 26.7.2021 at 4:42 AM, Jai said:

I'm a big believer in Wim Hof breathing and cold showers. I've been consistent with this for awhile and get great benefit. It's funny but the cold showers still aren't easy for me, there's always mental pushback. And right now the water is relatively warm since it's July. That January water is so cold. How natural is it for you to get in the cold showers? Do you have any pushback? What do you tell yourself? Sometimes I just say to myself that this is going to be the toughest thing I do today, or steal Wim's "the cold is a merciless yet righteous teacher". Things like that. I love the breathing though - my meditation after is much better and more easily focused.

Hello Jai! Good to hear from you! :-)

I still have resistance towards the cold water, but when I'm doing cold showers I usually do a warm shower first and then end with a cold shower. I think it is worse getting out of the warm shower without cold shower now because then I'm sweaty and tired etc, but with finishing up with a cold shower I'm fresh and fit for fight :-) But yeah, there is always some resistance. Also it helps by spreading it out. Like I'm not just standing there taking it all in over my head and shoulders. I grab the shower-head and move through all my body parts. Almost like a meditation where you work your way through all body parts :-) The worst part for me is between my shoulder-blades. Even though there is still resistance I think I have just gotten addicted because the long-term benefits are so much worth it compared to the short-term discomfort it brings. The worst part of the discomfort is only 10-20 seconds as well. As soon as one has decided to do it one can say the worst part is almost over. But yeah, I don't think we can ever expect it to get really comfortable, but still it is very addictive :-)

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So no yoga or meditation since sunday, but I have been keeping it up with my cold showers, and today I finally did yoga again. 10 sun salutations after having been kayaking for 2,5 hours. I did a kayaking course last friday, and today I finally gained access to the kayaks I can borrow for free from the local kayak-club. I went solo because my friends I did the course with are not at all in hurry to get on the water it seems. So I paddled around two relatively big islands. Oh my gosh how nice it was. It is like the perfect combination of exercise and a nature experience in one. Yesterday I was joining a 5 rythm dancing session, and then I went rollerblading afterwards. It seems like I'm just getting more and more physical all the time. And yoga is a perfect foundation for all this physicality. The interesting thing about kayaking is that there is something really boring and slow about it as well, so probably I cannot become manic about it, but instead I just have to approach it as exercise. Anyways, it was really really super-nice. On monday I was climbing as well in the indoors climbing park we have nearby. I really enjoy bouldering. Yeah, lots of fun physical activity these days. It is probably just about having a lifestyle which is about being physically active, which most people should have been, but unfortunately not so many really are. Here is a picture from todays kayaking <3 :-)

IMG_8475.jpg

Edited by Thittato

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Only cold shower today. But gosh. I still feel that that kayak-trip I did yesterday was so good for me. It was the perfect mix between exercise, meditation and experiencing nature. With someone who has that restless energy that I have, it seemed like the perfect way to physically bake myself into a meditative state. It is entertaining enough for me to not get bored, but the thrill is far from too high so that I don’t get manic. It seems like a typical kayak-trip would usually last for a couple of hours as well, so you get a decent amount of time to really bake that light but steady exercise into you. And when you get rushed and impatient, well, it doesn’t go so fast, so you have to really work to get somewhere, so you take that restless energy and use it to work to get your kayak to where you want to go but at the same time you are forced to accept that you are only moving slowly towards your goal and it can’t be rushed. Wow. It really was a very profound and grounding meditative experience. There was something really masculine about it as well. Like it brought me deep into my masculine element. Also it is very perfect in combination with yoga. Yoga and kayaking. Could have been a great retreat experience. Travelling to different islands, sleeping in tent, doing yoga and meditation, etc. I haven’t smoked cannabis since sunday, and it will probably be a while before I smoke again because I feel pretty saturated on that part, but I think cannabis and kayaking is also probably a really great experience. Starting with a session of Ganja Yoga, and then to go out kayaking. Well. The possibilities here are endless. But at least, for safety reasons, I will have to get to know kayaking better before I introduce that component to it. Anyways. Lots of gratitude. The cold shower today felt really deep by the way.

Here is another picture of my kayak on one of the islands I was visiting and paddling around. There were some tourists there walking around. I think it looks so beautiful lying there on the beach <3 :-D And it was such an awesome feeling entering the island at the beach with a kayak. Felt like I was visiting some mysterious world that I suddenly had access to through this new portal that opened up with this new and exotic vehicle.

613BB272-2439-46A1-9BC1-9AAE7E6EFC65.jpeg

Edited by Thittato

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20 min vinyasa flow yoga today, and then a cold shower. So nice. Both the yoga and cold shower went really deep today it felt like. Like not doing any of them to just get through, but really feeling into every movement and sensation. Still thinking alot about kayaking. It seems so perfect together with yoga. The yoga powers up the kayaking, and the kayaking powers up the yoga, and they both make each other more meditative, which is what this journal is supposed to be about. Looking forward to really feel into it the next time I go kayaking. The better my paddling technique gets the more I will probably be able to get into the groove.

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Yes, I agree about the initial discomfort, it's over relatively quick and my body is used to it. After my body adapts to the cold I really enjoy the cold for awhile... especially just letting it run over my head. I think that gets really good blood flow to the brain and then after I feel so alert for meditation. Some time I'd like to also get into cold water immersion, but there isn't any place really close by for a swim. I did go in an alpine lake a couple weeks ago which was fantastic. Totally different sensation than a shower. Good to know I'm not the only one with mental resistance ? I also just feel so much stronger, prepared and ready after some cold exposure.

I always say to that the mind that talks me into a cold shower is the mind that talks me out of a bad habit. If I can face the cold I can change anything else in my life.

Be well! That kayaking looks amazing!

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On 31.7.2021 at 8:53 PM, Jai said:

Yes, I agree about the initial discomfort, it's over relatively quick and my body is used to it. After my body adapts to the cold I really enjoy the cold for awhile... especially just letting it run over my head. I think that gets really good blood flow to the brain and then after I feel so alert for meditation. Some time I'd like to also get into cold water immersion, but there isn't any place really close by for a swim. I did go in an alpine lake a couple weeks ago which was fantastic. Totally different sensation than a shower. Good to know I'm not the only one with mental resistance ? I also just feel so much stronger, prepared and ready after some cold exposure.

I always say to that the mind that talks me into a cold shower is the mind that talks me out of a bad habit. If I can face the cold I can change anything else in my life.

Be well! That kayaking looks amazing!

 

Thank you! Good to exchange some thoughts on cold exposure with you! I always get more inspired when I talk with others who are also into it. It really is a very profound thing! That daily habit of overcoming that resistance is gold ❤️??

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45 min meditation today before going to work night-shift. 4th night of working night-shift, so I needed some deep rest before going, and meditation delivered.

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25 min yin yoga tonight as I came home from 5 hours of paddling with a really good friend. Paddling today was so nice. We paddled around three relatively big islands. On our way home we had a rest on a really nice island where I want to go camping soon. It seems like the perfect place to camp. It is close to town, but at the same time totally immersed in nature from all directions. So now it seems I will take my interest in outdoorism one step further. 3-4 weeks ago I went camping in the wild alone for the first time. And now I will take my tent and put in my kayak and combine kayaking and camping. Here is a picture from that island we had a rest on.

IMG_8605.jpg

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45 min meditation today. Lots of feelings to feel. Felt more settled again when meditation was finished. So yesterday I booked a new stay at that skydiving school I was visiting end of May / beginning of June. I'm going up there in about 10 days. I've booked 3 tandem-jumps. My plan is to do these jumps, and then re-do the course again next summer, if I'm still into this. I haven't been able to let it go, so I will at least have to go up there and do these 3 tandem-jumps. Interestingly enough my mind is very saturated on the whole topic, so I'm not like binge-watching skydiving on youtube and instagram anymore. But that is really good. It is always very satisfying when my mind becomes saturated on a topic I used to be very obsessed about. So now I will get a chance to see if this is something I really like without all my internal mental noise around it. More like just a random everyday activity without so much existential philosophy around the whole thing.

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On 3.8.2021 at 11:20 PM, modmyth said:

@Thittato It looks absolutely stunning where you are! These forests look amazing too.

I miss kayaking.

Thanks for mirroring my experience of appreciating my surroundings more lately!! :-D It is totally way more accessible to deeply appreciate them through kayaking. I'm a pretty restless guy, but 10 min into the paddling and the restlessness starts to melt away and I start to tune into nature and get into this inspired calm meditative flow state. The sky and the ocean and everything feels so big and expansive as I'm sitting there in the middle of it as a tiny small vulnerable human being in a tiny little boat, but yet it is so peaceful and nice and safe, and it makes me feel so at home in the universe. I usually don't like being alone, but when I'm in a kayak I totally love it. Perhaps it brings me back to when we were sea-creatures, because you really feel as part of the sea when sitting in a kayak because I feel so immersed in the water, and less like I'm riding on top of the water as I would have felt in a regular boat. Maybe it also brings me back in touch with the feeling of oneness I imagine I must have had as I was lying in my mothers womb totally immersed in nature and being nurtured by nature from all directions. Please let me know how it is for you if you get back into kayaking, and I hope that you do <3 :-D

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Started the day with 50 min of kayaking and then I went back home and did 45 min of meditation, before I went to work to do a day-shift. My day at work was pretty awesome as well, as I had new resposibilities I haven't had before but which I mastered really well and many of my co-workers were positively surprised by the flow-state I was in the whole day. In the evening I went rollerblading in the local skatepark with some of my skate-buddies. I was still in a really awesome flow-state. Seems like kayaking has been the missing X-factor in my life this summer that I finally found. Skydiving was supposed to be that, but since that course didn't go as planned, I was sort of left in a vacum having to process the lack of what I had pictured for this summer. But now I finally have something that gives deep value to my life, and that adds deep value to everything else that I do. It seems like women responds much better to me as well. I must have way less of a needy energy that seeks external validation these days because now I have something that gives me so much value and indepence from everything else. When I'm in this high that I'm in right now I usually quickly tend to crash, but I hope that kayaking is something really substantial that I can use to really bake it out. It seems like it gives me much grounding, and not just this fragile easily crashing high that I so quickly go into. In other words - kayaking is the perfect new addition to my yoga and meditation practice - something that really helps to ground my restless and manic energy.

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