My meditation journal

[Thittato]

45 min sit today. Much better today, quite some momentum in going into and acknowledging whatever arose of painful feelings, and the energy was flowing and positive. I feel refreshed. However my mind didn’t quite settle down, it almost did, but obviously there was work that needed to be done instead. When it won’t settle down I put it to work instead, working on the various blockages and trying to stimulate the energetic flow in my body.

[Thittato]

45 min sit today. Much more landed again today, almost landing in stillness, but not quite. There was some subtle restless activity going preventing the state from becoming really beautiful, even though it was very pleasant. I tried to work with the subtle restless activity, but it was a bit too slippery for me to manage to really pierce through it. I think I’ve heard this phase before described as «slippery mind in equanimity.» There is quite some strong equanimity going on, but still there is some subtle slipperiness going on preventing the mind from becoming really still and beautiful.

[Thittato]

Wim Hoff inspiration

45 min sit today. Been really inspired by Wim Hoff lately, and for the last three days I’ve been having a swim in the ocean. It is approxemately 5 degrees celcius. Prepared myself for this for a week by doing cold baths and sauna in the bath house near by. First time I went into the ocean I was surprised that it was pretty easy to go into it. Obviously exposing oneself for cold water is something one can gradually get used to. Today it was even easier, and today is the first time I did it first thing in the morning before my meditation practice. When I came back to meditate after this there was like an inner fire was being lit inside of me, so that became my focus for the meditation - just letting it burn and fill me up with power and love. I could also notice this this combination of winter bathing and meditation has a really positive impact on my sexual energy - it felt much easier to bring the sexual energy up higher into my heart chakra. Usually it feels like something that is stuck down in my genitals and that is burning for release through ejaculation, but in todays meditation it was much easier to transmute it into a powerful and good kind of burning that I could groove on without seeking release, instead of that frustrated needy kind of burning. I’m not the NoFap kind of guy. I drink alcohol and party and occasionally smoke ciggarettes and sometimes weed, and basically I just do whatever the fuck I want to do, and I believe in just listening and intuition and no hard rules of any kind, and I think meditation will make things balance themselves out by themselves over time, so without adding any rules I’ve now found inspiration to work more with my sexual energy. Winter bathing makes me feel much more sexy and masculine. My self-esteem has increased dramatically these last three days. After todays bath I was standing on the shore in only my shorts in the rain roaring out at the sea doing spontanious yoga poses. It was so fucking awesome. I feel so much gratitude right now. Thank you, dear Universe, for taking me through this cold water initiation these days. This inner fire I feel now is related to that same inner fire I feel when I trip on peyote, and peyote was very instrumental when I did a microdose session with it in this same bath house last spring which triggered this yoga kick I’ve been having and got me deeper into this cold water immersion I do when I go to this bathhouse. So actually I’ve been doing cold water immersion for a while, but going into the ocean these last three days, that was my initiation. Everything before that was just preparation.

This is a really inspiring documentary: 

BECOMING SUPERHUMAN WITH ICE MAN - Wim Hoff

 

Edited January 17, 2020 by Thittato

[Thittato]

New computer after having been half a year without

I'm just skipping meditation today. Just too much going on, and I'm working night-shift, and I need to eat and sleep before going to work. But I did my swim in the ocean after I woke up, and then my dad came by and wanted to give me an old Imac that my stepmom doesn't need, and wow, it is fucking awesome. Feels like my control center in my life is back again. My last laptop crashed half a year ago, so I've been only having smartphone for half a year, which means I've written all this stuff on a smartphone. So awesome to sit in front of a keyboard again and write this stuff. I'm looking forward to watch more inspiring documentaries like the one mentioned above, and also I'm looking forward to take my online Chess to a new level. This is the biggest screen I've ever had as well. I really like to upgrade the level of comforts I have in a my life. With a stable job that I enjoy it is like I'm experiencing a satisfaction with my daily life that I've never before experienced. So much cool stuff that I can do with this stability. Like hanging out with cool people, going to yoga-classes, winter-bathing, meditation, playing Chess at the local pub. My boss even bought my a guitar just recently that I can use when I work with my patients. I'm looking forward to working with the next patient I get who will enjoy mantra singing, or some other type of guitar playing together with me. I'm also starting to like my co-workers much more. Or they seem to like me much more. They are starting to feel safe around me, and they have sort of figured me out by now.

[Raptorsin7]

@Thittato That's awesome man. I'm glad things are working out for you. Keep going!

[Thittato]

1 hour ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@Thittato That's awesome man. I'm glad things are working out for you. Keep going!

Thank you!

[Thittato]

 

Some reflections about my job going well

Been working night-shift tonight. Damn, my job is just going better and better. It is a really crazy job. I work as a social worker in a psychiatric hospital, the emergency department, and I have to deal with people who are in all sorts of crisis, and some of them are even very violent (not unusual) and we have to set boundaries for them, but also show them a lot of warmth and compassion, which can be a difficult balance. Being the nice guy that I am I find it easy to give warmth and compassion, but setting boundaries can be really difficult but even that is getting much better. I'm starting to like my co-workers more and more as well. Seems like many of us work well together as a team. The part about violence is something I've been really terrified about, but somehow I've managed to get through it, but now I'm starting to feel even a sense of accomplishment about navigating safely through that landscape. My job is so crazy I sometimes feels like I'm undergoing some kind of secret agent training, or a marine soldier, or something like that, and when I feel a groove around that it feels pretty fucking awesome. But most of the time I have felt just waaaaay too soft and fragile for this type of job, but I've managed to survive so far, because even though my boundaries can be a bit too weak, I get a lot of respect from my co-workers for managing to get such a solid therapeutic alliance with many of the patients - like I am this soft, fragile, kind, a bit confused, guy, but with lots of empathy and staying-power and humour and a positive attitude about the times when I get stressed and all the wierd shit that happens. Basically I just show up as myself, and I have confidence that it will land in a good place no matter who I'm given the responsibility for. And if it becomes too difficult I can always ask for help. And I've found a way to ask for help so that my more experienced co-workers get energy from helping me because the help is appriciated and received with such a positive attitude. I think most people like to share of their knowledge and skills, especially if it seems like an investment into someone who will make good use of whatever is given. Everybody likes to see someone willing to learn. So yeah, basically I just need to continue to expose myself to this process, because it is finally getting to a place of actually being manageble. I am very currious about what sense of mastery could potentially set in when I can stabilize around an experience of this job actually being fun, meaningful and managble for some more time.

Edited January 19, 2020 by Thittato

[Thittato]

Skipped meditation yesterday, almost skipped it today, but then an opportunity came at work to meditate for somewhere between one and one and a half hour. I was back to what I wrote one week ago:

"45 min sit today. Beautiful, deep concentration. Sweet stillness suffusing my whole being."

Interesting that it took me a week to get fully back into concentration like that again.

But well, lots of other interesting stuff has been going on. Kind of tired to measure success in meditation up against these concentration states, but it is kind of hard to resist because everything feels so complete when the mind goes into them.

Also, I'm noticing some complacency again, because in general there is a lot of equanimity going on, and that makes life seem good enough as it is and there is no pressing need to meditate on order to alleviate my suffering.

But this is a very important place to keep on going.

Also, as written in the previous post, my job is also going very well, so I've never really had this type of stability in my life, both regarding my meditation practice, and regarding my daily life, so this is really excellent conditions to keep on going with my meditation practice, so I better not waste this opportunity just because some simple boredom or restlessness pops up.

I should suspect starting to dream about some other kind of life, as that has always been my condition - escaping into day-dreaming about some other type of life - but I think I'm ready to really get these tendencies seen through and continue to really ground myself in presence and in my meditation practice.

Inspired by this quote today:

 

Edited January 20, 2020 by Thittato

[Thittato]

Woke up today. First day off after having worked three nights in a row with a crazy aggressive psychotic person. He calmed down the last night, and showed us much gratitude for putting up with him. So rewarding when going through such a heavy process with a young and strong guy who has a manic episode where he believes he is God's chosen one and doesn't accept that he is ill and that he is locked up against his will in a psychriatic hospital. You really hate that person intensely when he is at his worst. But then, it turns around, and he lands, and he starts to realize you were actually trying to help him all the way, and then he starts to appriciate it, and then, because the relationship started in such a heavy hardcore way, one actually develops a very strong bond to that person when he is back to himself again because of all you went through together in such a short intensive period.

So anways, when I woke up today, I immdiately went for a swim in the ocean, approx. 5 degrees celcius these days, and then I went home and meditated for 45 min, and then I went to the local pub and played Chess for 5-6 hours, really great people I'm meeting through that group of Chess-players. They are my type of people. All of them really intense and intelligent, but also kind and well-mannered. Chess is really a game of developing gentleman manners by becoming both a good winner and a good looser. And also by accepting friendly competition, and all those intense feelings that competition triggers. Then after that I was like, heck, what to do, my sleeping ryhtm is turned around because of these night-shifts, and I still feel I need something more to unwind after this intense weekend. So I went for another swim in the ocean. And damn, this time I went for a longer swim, and oh my god I feel so good now. This is really some awesome hardcore beautiful therapy this thing with cold water.

[Thittato]

45 min sit today. Been slacking off a little with my practice these days. I think it is related to being in the Equanimity-phase on the mediation-map I use called The Progress of Insight. Everything is so equanimous that one almost forgets about ones spiritual project because life feels fine again. But this is a very important phase to keep going because eventually suffering will hit again in some form or another as it always does.

Probably the best key to keep me going in this period is that if I'm not focused on my spiritual project, then I will start searching for another project, and since I'm never able to land on any other project, I might as well continue with this project.

I will use extra awareness to take notice of when my mind goes searching for something else.

[Thittato]

45 min sit today. It dawned on me today - I've simply reached a plateau in my meditation practice. Nothing worse. My practice has been climbing up, up, up, since I went back to meditation from yoga a few months ago, but of course, eventually I will reach a plateau again.

To progress from here it simply takes patience, and eventually my practice will start to climb again. But the best thing I can do right now is just to become friends with this stage, and to be curious about it.

Perhaps it is a really good thing, since I've gotten a bit tired of all the psychological drama that comes with exciting altered states of consciousness.

And now I feel free again, which is probably what this is all about anyways.

[Thittato]

45 min sit this morning, and then a little swim in the ocean before work. Awesome way to start the day. Some of the guys at work has started getting really into running. I’m considering joining the hype. Running could potentially be a really awesome combo together with yoga. I like the idea of a really dynamic exercise routine - running, yoga, swimming, weight lifting, etc.

[Thittato]

If my knees can handle it I will go for a half-marathon this summer.

Wow, this day has been beyond awesome. As mentioned I started it with 45 min of meditation, and then I went for a swim in the ocean which is 5 degrees celcius, and then I went to work and had a really awesome day at work. The guys at work who has gotten into running has really inspired me. They are going to participate in a half marathon this summer which is going to be 21 km long and are training for this. If my knees can handle this I want to join as well. After I came home from work I was so inspired I did one hour of yin-yoga, and then I went and bought new running shoes and went for a 4,7 km long run which lastet for 25 minutes. My co-workers told me about this really cool app called Strava where you can track all your runs through GPS and then post them in the Newsfeed for your running-friends to see. So inspiring. It is also much easier to keep track of ones progress this way, and to measure how long the runs actually are. Perhaps the coolest part about this I'm getting much closer to my co-workers because we have this thing we're really hooked on together and there is friendly competition between us and all our other co-workers thinks this is very amusing. I'm totally going to participate in this half-marathon if my knees can handle it. Just gotta start slow and build it up steadily. Yoga and running is also a really awesome combination, so I'd be willing to abandon my meditation-goals temporarily to participate in this marathon and instead focus primarily on running and yoga. Since my meditatation practice has reached a new plateau anyways, maybe this is the right thing to do? Set this really cool goal of competing seriously in this half-marathon along with really boosting up my yoga practice in order to support my running and keep my body healthy while partaking in this strain, and also all this bonding with my co-workers. It would probably be a really awesome way to enjoy my work even more. We are working at the emergency department of our towns psychiatric hospital, so that sort of atlethic vibe a marathon would bring to this just really adds positively to the challenges we face as a a group of co-workers.  And since one of my most important goals is to master my job better, perhaps in sum total this would also really add to my meditation practice and increase my quality of presence.

Ok, I got some weeks to experiment with running now to see how it affects my body. I'll fill in with yoga as well to see if that can strenghten my knees, and hopefully I can build this up slowly and it will work very fine.

This is all somehow very inspired by me starting to take cold baths, and that whole Wim Hoff the Iceman, pushing your limits, kind of thing. I don't need to become as extreme as him, but there is something about that championship vibe. This also connects with my interest in Chess. The last 1,5 year I've become a much better Chess player, and through Chess I've finally understood what sport is all about. I really hated sports, thinking it was waaaaay below such a spiritual guy as me, but now I really understand why people are so extremly inspired by them. It is that whole champion vibe that really powers up that human struggle for greatness and our highest potential, which is so inspiring and life-affirming.

There was all this really cool mainstream-shit going on all the time, and I was just so hard on a escapism trip, that I couldn't see any of it but was instead escaping into fantasies and ideals about what a fantastic spiritual place the world could have been, instead of being willing to engage with the world on the actual terms that it comes with.

So glad I'm over that shit. What a bitter arrogant insecure dude I used to be, hidden behind this fake nice guy persona.

Edited January 28, 2020 by Thittato

[Thittato]

Started the day with one hour vinyasa flow yoga, then I went for a swim in the ocean, and then I went home and meditated for 45 min. Actually think I will go for this half-marathon, it seems like my body can handle it. I only feel better after one running session, and I'm pretty sure if I don't overdo it, and if I keep doing yoga next to it, then I think my body will only get stronger from this type of exercise.

[Thittato]

Started the day with jogging 4,6 km which took 25 min, then I went for a winter-swim in the ocean, came home and did 1 hour of yin-yoga, and then I meditated for 45 min. Felt very tired when I woke up today, I think I was getting a bit manic with this combination of winter-swimming and my new interest for marathons, suddenly I felt like this superhuman again and I get super-inspired and feel like I can conquer the world in all kinds of ways, and after a night of that, especially when I refuse to go bed, then I get a downer, but now I feel refreshed again. Fortunately there are things like yin-yoga which gives very efficient rest that helps a lot for people like me who gets a way too energized when they feel inspiration. The good thing with this downer was that I didn't get panic like I used to do, but instead I was just very practical about it, understanding why it came and that I needed some more rest (I slept a lot yesterday and tonight). There is probably a correalation here ---> the deeper I go into "superhuman ego shit" when I'm high, the deeper I'll freak out when I go low again. If I can just keep my cool even when I'm high I'm more likely to keep my cool also when I'm low.

[Thittato]

45 min mediation today. Felt like my mind finally settled down again. Holy moly that was quite some energy this combination of winter-swimming, jogging and yoga stirred up.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today. Felt like I was doing some good work. I was getting into process instead of distracted by resistance.

[Thittato]

45 min today as well. The groove is coming back after this recent «dry patch.» Glad I didn’t change things up.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today. Damn my life is intense. Been working three night-shifts in a row, so I slept a little late, then I woke up and meditated for 45 min and then I went to the local pub and played Chess for 7 hours. I actually won 2 out of 3 tournaments! And usually my IQ goes down when I have worked night-shifts, so it was pretty cool to see that I could keep my skill up even after these taxing night-shifts. I'm becoming one of the best in the group. We're all newcomers, but now we have played 1-2 years and all of us who come regularly are really hooked. After that I needed something to land, so I went for a night-swim. Today is first day with snow this winter. The winter has been unusally mild, but finally the snow came. So that was a new barrier to break. It was kind of mild those other times when I walked down to the ocean, but this night it was winter for real. I was out in the water for 1 minute and 10 seconds. I was filming myself to send to a buddy, that is how I know. I think tomorrow I will buy a clock that I can use as a timer. I need some way to motivate myself to stay in the water for longer. I prefer now to use my mobile-phone. Tomorrow I will try to stay in the water for 2 minutes, if I'm not totally wasted after pushing myself so much these days. If not tomorrow, then as soon as my energy-level is back to normal.

[Thittato]

2 minutes in the cold water worked really fine. I feel the relaxation effect got much stronger by staying down there for some solid amount of time. Then I did one hour of yin-yoga when I came home, and then I meditated for 45 min. I feel pretty good now, but I only slept 3-4 hours last night, and I'm a bit messed up from these night-shifts, and also I was drunk last night, but given the conditions I feel pretty awesome. When meditating today I could feel my sexual energy circulating around in my body in a way that felt really awesome. These cold baths combined with meditation really does something awesome to my sexual energy and my masculinity. Already I feel a much greater robustness. I'm usually a bit too sensitive and neurotic as a person, but these cold baths gives me a much more robust edge.