There and Back Again, a Tripper's Tale

[Wisebaxter]

Oh I forgot to mention, during my trip, when I was staring at the moon, the man in the moon was speaking to me hahahaha, I could see his mouth opening and closing. Unfortunately I couldn't hear him though, him being so far away.  

[Wisebaxter]

Had some badass ego backlash recently. Started smoking weed heavily again, skipping all my practices and just playing games. Has been a bit disheartening, but there's also a sense that it represents growth and I'm excited to see just how far the system oscillates back in the other direction. Then there's the question of how long the backlash will last. I've done a lot of reading from various threads on the subject and the consensus seems to be that it's normal, don't beat yourself up too much, stay mindful and be aware that it means progress. One guy also used a great metaphor, saying the ego is like your teacher at chess and when you try and change the rules too quickly it thinks it needs to move the pieces back to help you. The key is to make gradual changes so it knows you're just trying to change the rules. 

I'm not sure what 'gradual progress' would look like for me. Maybe allowing myself to watch more movies, smoke a small amount of weed, or just relaxing more and not doing so many of these practices. But then I'll be 'doing nothing,' whoops that's a practice lol. I guess I'll just keep experimenting, having fun, keeping my internal dialogue in check and enjoying the journey. 

[TheAvatarState]

@Wisebaxter good to see you're still alive and kicking! Do you have any more trips planned this year?

And whatever you do, just be conscious of it. You can t go wrong if you work from this space.

[Wisebaxter]

@TheAvatarState That was a nice message. 

Yeah I'm planning my next trip now, which will be next month I think. With the next one I think I'm gonna try and get some direction in life, to ask questions about how to make more money, develop some relationships. I know that unconditional happiness is the best one to go for, but I still feel that being weak in these areas is just a huge distraction. 

Be conscious. I'll remember that, thanks. Going unconscious is the worst, right? My ego is a terrible driver  

Well done for keeping your no-fap journal going by the way and being so dedicated with it. 

Do you have any more trips coming up?

[Wisebaxter]

Ego backlash report. Still smoking weed but determined not to buy any when I've finished this bag. I have this inner conviction now, built up through watching Leo's videos and doing the practices, that the devil will not win. The ego is just desperate to stay alive and is exploiting my weaknesses and old habits to keep a sense of separation alive, to keep me afraid. Weed basically makes me constantly paranoid and in a state of fear lol. I have moments when I relax too, when it's wearing off, but after every hit I'm like 'why the hell did I do that?' I feel awful. Then the paranoia kicks in. Makes you wonder why I keep doing it...I think the stuff has to be physically addictive or something. It just always seems like a good idea and I crave it. It could be some kind of self sabotage, or fear response to stop myself from making big changes. I guess ego backlash has many manifestations in the psychological realm. 

I'm doing self enquiry more now and can feel the power of that technique. It immediately calms me. I just watch awareness, as Leo suggested, without all the questioning like 'What am I etc.' 

Also doing more creative life purpose stuff, which is one benefit of being high, I tend to get on with that as it distracts me from the paranoia more than anything. I don't read into what I'm doing as much either and it doesn't have all the baggage I usually put on it, like thinking about the end result and worrying if I'm learning it efficiently enough. I get into Flow states easier.  

I hope you're all doing well with your own practices and on your own journeys. We are just one consciousness, experiencing it's different manifestations

Edited January 21, 2019 by Wisebaxter

[Wisebaxter]

Ok, all my weed has gone and I'm feeling juiced for the next upward push. I'm gonna fight my way through any emotional labour, any cravings and remember what my triggers are, namely computer games, films, shows like Stranger Things and Game of Thrones. I always want to get high and watch these shows. 

Next time the ego starts gathering it's forces I'll be better prepared. I'll get another trip under my belt as well, probably in a month or two once I'v settled again and got back on the path. 

Sending out love and peace to all you guys on your journeys 

[Wisebaxter]

Goddammit it, I give up weed again just as the remake of Resident Evil 2 comes out. Games are my main trigger for smoking. I'm really struggling right now. I'm at the stage where I feel like I just want the pain of the cravings to end, but the way I see it this time around is, rather this depression than the anxiety and paranoia that weed causes me. I'll take depression over crippling anxiety any day, well, this level of depression anyway. I'm not giving in, no....way

I'm buying some Modafinil in a couple of days and that will help me to focus my attention elsewhere I'm hoping. Never tried it before so I'm pretty excited. I Really want to trip again but I'm experiencing way too much unconsciousness at the moment and I want to be clearer and more stable before I up my dosage. At this rate I'm gonna need at least another 2 months of getting my head straight after this brutal ego backlash. 

Edited January 29, 2019 by Wisebaxter

[Wisebaxter]

Just Purchased 20 x Modafinil and I'm so excited. I'm going Limitless baby, full on Bradley Cooper style. 

[Wisebaxter]

I'm back baby, fuck you ego backlash. Hit the gym today for the first time since my recent dip. Have resisted cravings for weed and I'm actually enjoying just being with the depression and allowing it to exist without fighting it. Feeling juiced right now. 

[Wisebaxter]

Modafinil Report:

200mg dose. Started off with the Bradley Cooper 'Limitless' formula and cleaned the entire house, with the effects kicking in about half way through. It's hard to describe how it feels. Just very mellow, relaxing, but at the same time you can think incredibly clearly and focus like a beast. Somewhat like taking a psychedelic, minus the focus perhaps. I sat at the piano to practice and I became those keys man, it was awesome. All of the theory seemed to come together as well, I could retrieve it a lot more easily and integrate it all into the session. 

I suffer really badly from having an overactive mind, over-thinking everything, mental masturbation etc and it causes me a lot of stress and anxiety. This has been worse than ever recently after the ego backlash I had, which I now know was so intense as my progress prior to it had been so great. So anyway, being able to focus on a task without the mind chatter was simply sublime. I worked on a screenplay for a bit, which I must admit still presented a slight challenge in terms of concentration, perhaps because I was finding it quite difficult to write the scene I was on, but I definitely persevered longer than I would have done usually. 

But it was when I sat down to meditate that I really grocked the power of this stuff. I was able to sit for over an hour and a half no problem at all and it felt even more relaxing and sublime than usual as I was able to go so deep. After that I did some observation, just sat and stared at the clock for about 45 minutes, which was fantastic as observation usually kicks my arse, having such a frantic monkey mind. Obviously the meditation had quietened my mind too, which helped. Then I topped it all off with a side order of contemplation and lo and behold I was able to have a direct experience of my subject incredibly quickly, seeing as I was in observation mode. 

Some great insights here. First, meditation before observation = greater progress with observation. Secondly, contemplation after observation = faster direct experiences. Thirdly, Modafinil is the shit and I'm gonna pop another one tomorrow and the next day....and the next day....and so on, until I've given my ego a proper good kick in the nuts, teaching it a lesson for fucking with me so badly recently. So how do you like Modafinil, eh ego? You in trouble now boi....

Edited February 11, 2019 by Wisebaxter

[Wisebaxter]

A really interesting thing has started to happen. When I get lost in thoughts and concepts my feet start to buzz. It's quite uncomfortable. At first I didn't know what it was and my health anxiety kicked in, but when after a few days I did self enquiry, it stopped. I've only just started this practice after a life time of over overthinking, neurosis and mental masturbation. It's like my body is telling me 'enough, do the practices, or endure buzzy feet!' Maybe it's a symptom of stress or something. So that's it, fuck doing, fuck life purpose for now (big source of stress there). Today I just sat all day and did nothing and it was pure bliss. My consciousness feels like it's been upgraded, partly thanks to Modafinil, which allows me to just sit with a quiet mind and focus on awareness. It's crazy, nothing works to stop this weird feeling other than focusing on awareness. I feel like it's God trying to wake the fuck up. So the ego backlash has ended and now I'm bouncing back stronger than ever. I'm done with doing. I'm gonna sit and be no matter what happens. Even if there's a zombie apocalypse, I'll sit here and let them tear me to pieces. I'm staring at a blank TV with a blank mind and I feel closer to my true nature than ever. 

 

Edited February 15, 2019 by Wisebaxter

[Wisebaxter]

Mystical Experience 1 - The Coming of Wisebaxter the White

Leading up to it

For this last month I'd completely detached myself from all sense gratifications and external sources of entertainment. I'd been taking lots of Modafinil, which had completely pulled me out of monkey mind and into being, which I'd then realised to be the truth. Every day my connection with the present moment was growing. I was doing self inquiry and do-nothing meditation daily, observation practice to connect with actuality, eating well and hitting the gym 4 times a week.

I'm not sure how relevant this is but I'd done some pretty hardcore shadow work on myself a few days earlier and unleashed a massive amount of inner rage which had nearly tore me to pieces from the inside out lol. Perhaps this unblocked my heart chakra or something.

Just before it happened

I was doing ‘do nothing’ meditation. 

I was also searching for the silent spaces within, which I'd heard Adyashanti suggest

I suddenly had a recollection of motherly love, my mum reading stories to me and nurturing me. 

I then remembered the love I felt for old friends from university, which I'd completely forgotten about. My heart has been pretty closed off since then, with a lot of suffering and discontent being in my life. 

Before I knew it my heart was bursting with this love I didn’t know I had in me and I'd forget I’d even experienced. I began to cry due to an intense feeling of loss and longing for it. Basically I teotl-lized the shit out of my heart

Suddenly I became aware of the immediacy of the present moment, of how it’s all there is. My conceptual self, the 'I thought' was realised as an illusion and all that remained was presence and experience, flowing along in the now. The conceptual nature of every thought was seen very clearly, as well as how the substance of each thought unfolding was again, just another experience, happening within presence, whether it was an image or a collection of words. Each time a thought passed it stayed past and presence remained, embedded in the now. When I looked around me I became aware that presence was everywhere, that everything else here was existing or being, now, and that it was all just appearance, with everything else I’d ever known about it being seen as concept. There was no separation between the being that I was and the being of all of these shapes and colours, all existing, now. I was just presence, being, eternal, as itself. By this point my mind had completely ceased. Everything being experienced in the environment was just that thing, as itself, with no conceptual layering. Sound was sound, shapes were shapes, colours colours. Everything was experienced as simply appearances, with nothing behind it or underneath it. Just pure being-ness.

My sphere of identification had widened, due to an experience of everything within this sphere of perception being comprised of presence, with nothing separating it but concept. The nature of my thoughts were clearly seen as Maya, not the experience of them but the meaning I attributed to them.

I believe this was my first, minor glimpse of the Ox, because as you can see the 'I' thought was still in existence to some extent, although it was severely diminished for a short time. This all felt like a direct experience of truth, very non-conceptual. I'd known a lot of this stuff about appearances and Maya but now it was like I was connecting to that truth. 

Since this experience I've felt a lot of energy surging around my chest area and especially on the right-side. I've been feeling a lot more compassionate and connected to those around me and my mind has quietened down lots. I'm also still seeing everything around me as pure presence and appearance and when I look around my mind isn't jumping in and labelling everything.

Sweet huh? On a scale of mystical-ness I'd say...about 0.001 out of 10, but still pretty major! I'm making sure I don't let my ego hijack this as I remember Leo saying that just when you think you've made some gains, that's when the ego can come in and take over. This was a very minor experience but it still felt pretty major to me. 

 

Edited March 4, 2019 by Wisebaxter

[Wisebaxter]

In light of all this I've decided to take my next dose of LSD on Saturday, 200ug as I'll have a free house for the day. Teotl is sending my girlfriend up to London so I can trip my balls off and hang out with it, thanks Teotl!

 

Edited March 4, 2019 by Wisebaxter

[Zigzag Idiot]

It would probably be really interesting to get a live report from Wisebaxter the Gray come 'peak time' Saturday. Just sayin,,,

[Wisebaxter]

@Zigzag Idiot lol, but I'm not sure how easy it will be to write a live repot whilst I'm battling with the Balrog (my ego) within the depths of the earth. It will probably just be something like shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. I'll see though. I'll definitely right something just before I step onto the bridge and get ready to face the demon  

[Zigzag Idiot]

Cool,,, Don't forget your staff! 

Hope all goes well.

[Igor82]

@Wisebaxter Heyo, nice report on that mystical experience! When you mentioned modafinil my heart started racing a bit, can I truly implement this myself?

I did buy 100pills of Modafinil not too long ago, but I have not been too serious with it. I always wait for that perfect day when I wake up early and will only be productive that day, you know? That day comes rarely nowadays.

Im aware that you had an ego backlash not too long ago and so have I, and tomorrow Im actually planning to take some Modafinil to boost myself a bit.

I would like to get some tips from you about when to take the substance, tolerance, do’s and dont’s etc, from your own experience because I feel like I can replicate some of the gold that you might have got into, you also mentioned some spiritual benefits of Modafinil aswell obviously. I would be for great help!

Thank you! And good luck on your trip.

[Wisebaxter]

Hey bro, glad you liked the report, thanks for reading  

Regarding Modafinil, have a read through this thread I started on it hear, where I include quite a lot of information about the stuff:

Here are some quick points though:

I was originally planning on using it for life purpose stuff requiring focus, but when I realised how powerful is was for spiritual practices, that's all I ended up using it for. Don't get me wrong it's great for focus, but seeing as it quietens your mind so much it's incredible for any spiritual practice as they all require either focus or a quiet mind, both of which Modafinil provides. The greatest gift it gave me was making me realise, experientially, that the truth is here, now, not in your mind or in a concept. We hear this being said all the time but when your mind shuts up and you can literally sit for hours just staring into space in a state of bliss, profound things start to happen. You begin to merge with being. Spontaneous insights then begin to occur, true insights, based on actuality. 

So I recommend using it for 'sit and do nothing' practice, or observation practice where you sit and stare at an object. When I walked to the gym I would focus on a street lamp a mile in the distance and keep my attention on it until I'd reached it. When I was on the treadmill I would focus on the girl's ass in front of me haha, kidding, on anything really. As you focus on an object new facets and distinctions concerning the object will start to appear, ones you'd ever have considered before. Or distinctions may break down completely. For example you may ask yourself, where does her ass end her legs begin?

When you sit to meditate on it, or rest as awareness, you start to feel almost stoned, it's bloody awesome. I was a pot head for years and recently gave it up, so this was like having the benefits of being stoned without all the mind chatter and paranoia. You just feel calm, present and emotionally in control. One time on a 400mg dose though I was buzzing my nuts off so hard I had to stop meditating lol. 

It's great for getting you out of a bad ego backlash. It will supercharge anything you decide to do on it. I did use it to start my music production habit again and now I'm in the flow with that and doing it daily. Reading spiritual books whilst on it is awesome as you're taking in so much more due to your extreme focus. Same with watching Youtube clips from Gurus. I'd recommend watching everything on Peter Ralston's channel as his work is all about having actual experiences of what's true and letting go of concepts, which is what Modafinil is great for as no monkey mind = no concepts. Also, his book 'the Book of not Knowing'...man, that thing is the bible for having direct experiences of truth. 

I started off taking 200mg of Modalert daily and then upped my dosage to 400mg, which is the highest 'safe' amount you should take. I'm now taking a break for a month due to money shortages, which works well as my body needed a break. You will be quite tired a day after taking it so its best not to just take it every single day as you won't know when your body is needing to rest. Give yourself breaks every few days. Remember also this is an unregulated drug we're taking and there is no information about any future effects it may have so exercise caution. 

Leo says Kriya Yoga gives you the same benefits so I'm gonna start some of that this month. If I can get the same effect from Kriya (which I know you yourself practice) I'll stick to that as I don't like the idea of popping a pill every day. I haven't taken any for 3 days now and I'm still feeling very present and my consciousness is definitely higher. I've unblocked some of my chakras or something as I'm feeling love and warmth in my chest area throughout the day. Now I've realised that the present moment is God. Modafinil can help me engage with it.

This stuff is simply incredible. Exercise caution if you're prone to addiction. I am and I've been craving it a bit. Not majorly but the craving is definitely there. Let us know how you get on dude. 

Oh and take it with food, otherwise it hits you quite hard. 

Edited March 5, 2019 by Wisebaxter

[Wisebaxter]

@Zigzag Idiot

2 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

Cool,,, Don't forget your staff! 

Thank you Elrond. I hope to meet with you in Rivendell after the battle. There is much planning to be done for the coming war

[Igor82]

@Wisebaxter Thank you for this! 

Ill write a report tomorrow on how it went, now I gotta go to sleep so I can wake up...

1 hour ago, Wisebaxter said:

When I walked to the gym I would focus on a street lamp a mile in the distance and keep my attention on it until I'd reached it. When I was on the treadmill I would focus on the girl's ass in front of me haha, kidding, on anything really.

You had me laughing quite hard there, luckily I sat on the toilet while reading this or elise I might have shat myself