Eric Tarpall

How do I kill the weak boy inside me?

27 posts in this topic

He is talking about different personalities , not one personality which is stupid  and does not know what to do.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The only scene I let some tears EVER while watching something. Hope this could give you some visual presentation ?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

King, Warrior, Magician, Lover is a great book for Masculine Archetypes, it will give you a framework to understand the shadow aspects of masculinity-for when the boy in you rears its ugly head. 

 

Edited by Equanimitize
post mistake

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've had this same experience as you, as have thousands of men before us. It's the difficult process of becoming a man, which most men don't ever actually undertake in a healthy, introspective way. Not trying to lecture or rant here, so apologies in advance if it comes off that way. A lot of this is me attempting to understand this exact same process as it's been going on in my life very heavily within the last year (I'm 22).

'I'm a big man now huh, look at how strong and smart I am with my job and my hot girlfriend? I'm the King!' All this bravado about our own strength and yet there's this underlying current that is growing stronger in the mind that this is largely a facade created by our ego to cover up deeper levels of our psyche, deeper levels of pain that we don't want to acknowledge. This doesn't mean we don't recognize our own strengths and power, but it comes from a much more humble, grounded place after we are able to acknowledge our own 'weakness.' The example I use in grounded confidence is someone like Bill Gates, you think he gives a shit if people know he has money? No, he doesn't care less because he's so grounded in his status and who he is. 

I laugh even calling our emotional nature a 'weakness' as if it is some thing that isn't exactly as it should be. We all grow up and inevitably get hurt physically, emotionally or spiritually in some form or fashion, that's just part of the human condition and is normal and natural. Our father beat us physically, our friends talk shit about us and exclude us, etc. etc. The issue is when we deny/repress the pain that we are justifiably feeling (as I did for most of my childhood) and try to act like superman, like we are invincible. What you are probably experiencing now is the hurt/fragility/weakness that you felt at a much earlier age in life when some bad shit happened. So trying to 'kill the weak boy' is only going to make the problem significantly worse. That's trying to further deny and disown the pain that you are feeling as if it is a bad thing.

True transformation comes from acknowledging to yourself that you've been hurt and giving yourself whatever it is you need to heal your wounds. If that means crying and becoming depressed as fuck for a month, so be it. This will be very difficult for most men as we are not taught self love or sensitivity but rather to be stoic, hard and emotionless. Most of my childhood I wanted to be a Navy SEAL, I wanted the hardest thing fucking possible because I was invincible and nothing could stop me blah blah blah. Little did I know that was the 'weak little boy' inside of me in the shadows of my mind controlling me. I needed so badly to prove to myself that I was strong and not weak.

Self love doesn't mean becoming a little bitch, quite the contrary actually. Being a little bitch is pretending that you are invincible to any pain, suppressing it deep within your being, and forcing the world to acknowledge how much of a king you are. Once you understand this dynamic you'll understand why so many famous people are so arrogant and self centered; it stems from a deeper insecurity that has not been worked through and will never get fixed no matter how much money, power, or girls one has. Floyd 'money' mayweather? Ha, such a joke... Everyone look, you guys! I'm special, I have money!

This is why there are so many young 20 something year olds that act like douche bags flexing on everyone else. You said you want the king to show up? What is a king, what does that truly mean? Someone who dominates everyone else and acts like a tyrant.... or someone who is so fucking strong and grounded in himself that he can literally support thousands of others. You tell me what takes more strength. A king must have both the brute power, aggression and strength (that most young men chase and emulate) to defend his kingdom and set up boundaries from outside attack. On the other end of the spectrum, a king must have the softness, vulnerability, compassion, and sensitivity to take care of those within his kingdom. There is so much strength in this tenderness in a man, this is what our world is largely missing; real kings that have the psychological grounding to truly care for and heal others. A true king is so grounded in his strength/masculinity that he is comfortable in his passivity, softness and femininity. A male lion sits on the throne of the animal kingdom while his wife goes and hunts, you think he gives a fuck?

When one is able to admit to themselves all the things they are ashamed of and that they hate about themselves, a massive burden is lifted. There is no more running away from weakness or 'being a little bitch.' There is an increased feeling of accepting oneself imperfections and all, a natural raising of self esteem (regardless of what your external results are) and giving way less of a fuck what anyone else thinks. Very counterintuitive and honestly a difficult fucking process. A good metaphor to think about it (as has been tremendously helpful for me) is that you are taking care of a child. If the seven year old version of you suddenly became your current day son, would you tell him to not be a pussy, to not be weak when he gets hurt? No, you'd act like the King that you are and you'd take care of your son. Although this is a metaphor, its also pretty literally what this is all about.

Sorry if this was way too fucking long but I know exactly how you feel and a year ago would have never even considered this stuff. I just needed to fuck more chicks and get more jacked... and I did and it just got worse. I would've never thought how much I hated myself as a kid, how deeply hurt I was by my parents, how much I felt like a piece of shit even though I was a star athlete with a hot girlfriend and all that usual BS. Integrating all this is painful as fuck, no denying that. But on the other side of all the gut wrenching emotional work, man it's a different world. You're no longer controlled by the weak/fragile little boy, but rather able to fully embody all that you aspire to be. Hopefully you or anyone else reading this is able to derive some value. Looking forward to your comments.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, Equanimitize said:

King, Warrior, Magician, Lover is a great book for Masculine Archetypes, it will give you a framework to understand the shadow aspects of masculinity-for when the boy in you rears its ugly head.

I heard Elliot Hulse talk about that stuff once. I'll put that on my read list.

53 minutes ago, kev014 said:

Being a little bitch is pretending that you are invincible to any pain

I know I'm able to handle any pain. But only because I believe or "pretend" that I can. That's the opposite of being a little bitch.

1 hour ago, kev014 said:

What is a king, what does that truly mean? Someone who dominates everyone else and acts like a tyrant.... or someone who is so fucking strong and grounded in himself that he can literally support thousands of others.

When I say king I mean a strong independent being. And I believe that other people's happiness is not my responsibility.


Black is white. Down is up. Bad is good. -Eric Tarpall

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The way to have power over it is acknowledging it, learning about it, being curious towards it. This way you will be able to see it clarity and choose what to do about it

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now