The battle between heart and the self (fear)

[Charlotte]

...

After Girona we went to a beautiful place called Costa brava. The town itself was dead, it was perfect. I sat myself down on this beautiful small cove like beach and did absolutely nothing for 2 hours. I literally soaked up every single moment. 

Just before heading back to meet the others I picked up 3 pebbles. In these 3 pebbles I mentally placed 3 behaviours/habits of myself that no longer serve me... I then threw them into the sea. I left a small piece of myself there. 

[Charlotte]

Day 6. Goodbye egoic attachments

It was the last day in Barcelona. I got up really early (5am), packed my bag and threw on some yoga gear and checked out. I planned on going to the other side of the city for Jivamukti yoga. 

I'd never even heard of this yoga before. 

We began in meditation whilst she read some beautiful quotes. It was becoming apparent that this Yoga promotes veganism (winner winner (fake) chicken dinner). 

We started Yoga and oh my god this was tough  I wasn't expecting this. She came round adjusting postures which I weren't a fan of because I personally think it can cause injury.

50/55 minute's into practice I found myself releasing. Crying insanely. I don't question why anymore I just let it be (ISness @KyleR) 

I really enjoyed practice, I felt completely different afterwards. And where we actually practiced as well! Oh my goodness!...

 

When I travelled to Madeira I left feeling sad and I suffered greatly. This time it was different. I felt I had shed layers of ego, I wasn't attached to any experience or person. I was flowing, just flowing. 

Thank you Barcelona for what you have given me (or not ) ❤️ 

Until next time...

[Charlotte]

Microdosing

Started microdosing again yesterday. Obviously last year it caused nothing but sheer panic ever time I took some.

Yesterday I weighed some out and put some in some filtered water. I stood there holding my small hand held cup before consuming and I spoke to them.

"Show me through love, not fear. I trust you. I am handing over control."

in some ways I feel I understand fear now, I'm like okay I learnt my lesson! ? 

I drank the water and observed. This is the part where I would usually have a panic attack but there was nothing. No fear. I couldn't believe it. 

I then took a walk in nature with the dogs and I felt so grounded and loving to everything. 

I got back and met a friend for a small hike and I felt so connected to him. 

I was so content and just peaceful.

 

Prior to microdosing I was having feelings of connectedness. I think this is what the mushroom's want to actually show me. Connectedness. I feel it but haven't clearly experienced it yet. 

I am now grateful to surrender to anything or being. If anything I feel so damn fucking lucky. 

Will microdose again in 2 days.

 

Start volunteering today down at the college in the animal department. Excited to be working with and spending my time with such beautiful beings. ❤️

 

I hope who ever reads this knows how much they are loved ❤️

[Charlotte]

More ideology work must be done around animal cruelty and veganism. 

[Charlotte]

Not sure if this is still the effects of mushrooms but today has been awesome. So grounded, zero anxiety when talking to strangers, holistically listening completely out of the mind and into the moment.  

I love you Mr shrooms 

[KyleR]

Just bare ISness?photos look amazing Charlotte, some of them views are unreal!

[Shin]

[Charlotte]

Today

Naturopathic college appointment in a few hours. So excited. 

Took niece to Disney on Ice last yesterday/night hence my absence from ziz place. 

[Charlotte]

Currently sat in the cnm clinic and I've had my initial consultation. She asked me absolutely everything 

There were around 7 other people watching (for her) which didn't bother me. 

They have literally my whole medical life story and diet so they're currently working on a plan, really intrigued to see what they come up with. 

After here I'm going to nip to a small cafe and get something to eat. 

Will update later

[Michael569]

9 hours ago, Charlotte said:

Naturopathic college appointment in a few hours. So excited. 

Cool beans ! Hoping they'll be able to offer you some help. 

7 people wow, its always like 25-30 in our branch  

[Charlotte]

@Michael569 Do you mind if I message you later with some questions regarding the plan she gave me? 

[Charlotte]

Taken a microdose around an hour ago. I definitely feel something. 

Some fear present or rather an energy.

Sat down to study and just wanted to sing  (fuck) so I sang. I realised singing (as is dancing) is literally just an expression of energy. As could be any other hobby. It's ways of doing expressing energy via form. 

I also need to stop judging. Seriously. Myself more so. 

Gonna get back to studying hopefully () Later will update on CNM appointment from yesterday.

[Charlotte]

 

[Charlotte]

Also I finally, deeply understand exactly what Leo had been going on about when he refers to actual direct experience rather than just conceptual knowing. 

 

[Michael569]

38 minutes ago, Charlotte said:

Do you mind if I message you later with some questions regarding the plan she gave me? 

@Charlotte don't mind at all

[Shin]

Charlotte hair

 

 

 

 

Charlotte eyebrows

 

 

 

 

Edited April 1, 2019 by Shin

[Charlotte]

@Shin ?????????

[Charlotte]

How do I even begin to explain yesterday... I'm not even going to bother. Head was everywhere. I had some cannabis on Sunday night, an extremely small amount and then Monday morning I microdosed with mushrooms. I should of thought twice before doing the mushrooms with the weed still in my system. Also I think I'm due on my period again as I've been extremely emotional over absolutely nothing. Yesterday I battled with food cravings again and studied and slept the majority of the day. I slept a further 2 hours in the day time which is not like me. 

I paid for some suppliments the CNM students recommended to help control sugar levels (cravings) I got them next day delivery as I'm that desperate so they should be here today. I'm definitely gaining a bit of weight  

Starting to wonder if this quitting nicotine is worth it. 95% of mind time is literally consumed with food thoughts and it's becoming that bad like I'm crying as it's torture.... 

Nah, it is worth it. I'll get through it. It will pass. 

Gonna have another brew and then sit for some serious meditation. 

[Charlotte]

I'm being way to harsh on myself. Mum said I am trying to do to much at once. I agree. I'm going to back off from some things for the time being and go back to basics. 

This week:

Increase meditation

More exercise

Better study balance

 

[Shin]

1 hour ago, Charlotte said:

I'm being way to harsh on myself. Mum said I am trying to do to much at once. I agree. I'm going to back off from some things for the time being and go back to basics. 

This week:

Increase meditation

More exercise

Better study balance

 

Yeah you are.

The nicotine thing is classic addict behavior though, it would be easy to think you need to slow down on this and get back full addict on it.

Edited April 2, 2019 by Shin