Charlotte

The battle between heart and the self (fear)

531 posts in this topic

I made my first ever hemp milk :D

 

 

 

I sourced the organic hulled seeds from a reliable source in Lithuania and popped some filtered spring water in the blender and hey presto... You have hemp milk. I was paying a fortune for 4 carton's of this a week. Highly recommend this if your vegan or enjoy nutrition. 

Last night I went to a reformer Pilates class. Waste of time and money. 

I have so much energy lately and I can't use it up because I can't do any high intensity exercise. 

I got back from the class and cracked on with my exercise routine. Back of my legs are aching today but it's my own fault for not stretching off ?

With regards to the meditation last night I woke this morning feeling mint! I think I'm going to centre meditation from now on around fear. Bringing up these fearful thoughts on purpose, sitting through them etc with regards to this psychosis shit I need to witness it for what it is. 

Anyway I fancy gym this morning, I got some new lifting gloves so I don't tear up my hands. Looking forward to giving them a whirl. Not been back into the gym in around a month so it's well needed. Can't use treadmill or rowing machine so I'm going into this session with a blank mind. Funny how we unconsciously create even a gym routine every time we walk in. 

P.s

Still buzzing from the plant milk xD

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So today I went to the gym. Had a lovely 2 hour sesh. A lot I cannot do for the time being that I usually do but I'm okay with it. I'm in a different place now. 

After the gym i went for coffee with a friend when this happened 

I honestly don't know whether it was a guidance for me or for my friend. I don't know. I've stopped questioning. It will show either way. I trust. I was very confused for an hour after it happened but now I am at peace. 

Went for a lovely dog walk after the gym and spoke to my mum about the fear of psychosis that's arising. She's a good egg Mum. 

I also came to the realisation that the. 'But what if thinking about it triggers it' is actually just another meta level of fear. It's the same original thought but just a different version. I know what to do. I've been here many times. I know I must go into this fear otherwise a vicious cycle will arise; being afraid of fear, being afraid of being afraid of fear and so on. Tonight if these thoughts arise I know what to do. Just like panic attacks which I have mastered, I can master this. 

Fear itself is unbelievably miracle like... the mechanics of it. It's so intelligent.

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I've just sat through fear. Completely surrendered my entire self. What was waiting on the other side is something I cannot communicate. 

Fear is the fear of the unknown, of ...love, of completely letting go. 

I'm no longer afraid.

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Lovely content recently. Fears a driving force for change. Don’t resist! Investigate what exactly you desire. Observe all those thoughts and keep sitting with that fear :) 

 

 

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@DrewNows ❤️❤️ so true.

Couldn't update as I lost my reading glasses and couldn't see the phone xD

Yesterday - day of rest. Aching all upper body from the gym. I took the dogs out for a beautiful walk though. 

This morning I woke up at 04:30am I badly wanted to see the lunar eclipse/blood moon. I searched and waited but the cloud cover was too thick. Gutted. 

I went back to sleep at 0700-0900 I was cream crackered (knackered). Woke up feeling incredibly lazy and just a bit meh. No idea why. I don't usually. Definitely had a low energy type day. Felt lazy all day. 

Even though I so didn't want to go to Pilates class I knew I should so I went and I'm glad I did because I got the chance the save a lady bug from death xD The poor dude was crawling around the floor with a broken shell and wing so I picked him up at the end of class and brought him home to rest in the house plant. Besides saving the insect from imminent death I'm glad I went regardless. 

About to sit for evening meditation. 

Then I'm off to bed for an early night.

❤️ Thank you breath ❤️

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Today - another low in motivation/energy type day. 

Physio this morning. I don't think I need to go anymore. There's nothing more they can do. 

I went to feed the ducks and stopped at a local cafe for a quick brew. From the onset I made it clear I'd like plant based milk. I asked what was available and she told me. 

After giving me a brew with chocolate dusting on top (fair enough) I asked her to check if it was vegan. She confirmed that it wasn't and made me a fresh one. I thanked her she apologised. I took a 3/4 sips of this brew and then another waitress came over and said. "I'm really sorry but she has given you the wrong brew, that's cow's milk." Well you can imagine my reaction. My hands covered my mouth in disbelief. I didn't say a word. Stood up and walked out. As I was walking I saw flashing images of me punching something in anger. I could feel the energy of the emotion through my chest and abdomen. 

I knew I wasn't angry. I was sad. 

i went back in and made a formal complaint to the manager. She was unbelievably apologetic and I started feeling sorry for her. Even in that moment empathy was present for this lady. 

I accepted her apology and left. 

Later that day someone almost hit me in the car. I noticed my reaction. I called them (in my head). 'A fucking pleb.' I'll work on this. 

Not long back from philosophy class. 

I cannot explain this gem I have found on the doorstep. 

A new guy showed up tonight. Young, around 18. Which is awesome. He mentioned Eckhart and I replied with actualized.org. He said is that the balled guy? I was like YES! It is ? I was buzzing to talk to someone about it. 

He's definitely on the path this young lad. He's already meditating. Bless him. I've invited him over to the forum for guidance on his journey.

The teacher we have is incredibly intriguing. I'm genuinely wondering if he's enlightened. There's something about him. 

I'll update tomorrow in more depth about tonight's class. 

 

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17 hours ago, Charlotte said:

After giving me a brew with chocolate dusting on top (fair enough) I asked her to check if it was vegan. She confirmed that it wasn't and made me a fresh one. I thanked her she apologised. I took a 3/4 sips of this brew and then another waitress came over and said. "I'm really sorry but she has given you the wrong brew, that's cow's milk." Well you can imagine my reaction. My hands covered my mouth in disbelief. I didn't say a word. Stood up and walked out. As I was walking I saw flashing images of me punching something in anger. I could feel the energy of the emotion through my chest and abdomen. 

I knew I wasn't angry. I was sad. 

i went back in and made a formal complaint to the manager. She was unbelievably apologetic and I started feeling sorry for her. Even in that moment empathy was present for this lady. 

well done young Padawan, you are learning to channel your feelings and let them pass through instead of jumping on the fury wagon and releasing hell. Most people in this victim-driven country would lash out on all the employees and even post it on social media. 

star wars.PNG


“If you find yourself acting to impress others, or avoiding action out of fear of what they might think, you have left the path.” ― Epictetus

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This piece of music is just.... I can't find the words.

How I've been feeling over the past few days...

Enjoy.

 

.

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There's some sort of shirt occuring but I won't label. All I'm going to say is I am truly seeing that I give meaning to everything. Ever-yth-ing. 

Actually... Fuck it. I'm gonna spill my guts out all over this journal. That's what it's here for. 

Okay..  I'm walking into my mum's house and I'm observing the arm and hand open the door. In a detached way... Like I'm actually watching it happening, unfolding in front of me..

I'm sat there last night contemplating what the philosophy teacher is saying and then I suddenly find 'myself' resting in this awareness... I ain't looking at him from my eyes nor from 'my' perspective anymore...

As I've realised I give meaning to everything, it's left me feeling shit. Life doesn't have any meaning... I create everything... EVERYTHING. It's been such a turbulent past couple of days. I need to let go. I need to let go and let things be. I'm confused. I will let go. 

Meditation is getting deeper and deeper with every sitting. 

To be honest... If I step back... I think what I'm finding is more fear... Fear of the unknown... My reality IS breaking down and I think I'm just going through regular shit. It's actually recontextualizing my entire reality. Am I going too fast? Shall I give myself a break? 

Shot from today ❤️ ..

IMG_20190123_142632.jpg

Last night's philosophy class...

 

 

P1_H02.pdf

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Ken Wilbur, in an interview once described a time in his life while working on his theories. The term he used was "plutonium confusion". I've remembered it in part because,,,, I've felt that way in my Inquiry many times.

Many teachers say the best thing we can do is just watch. Just observe. I agree, but it has always been difficult for me to do in times of high stress/confusion. Engaging in a lot of strenuous physical activity during the day has always  been a good counterweight to Self observation for me, during these times. I'm an enneatype 6 (fear) type and also an adrenal (mars) essence type or endocrine type. You seem like a mars type as well.

Cool picture by the way,,,,


"To have a free mind is to be a universal heretic." - A.H. Almaas

"We have to bless the living crap out of everyone." - Matt Kahn

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I took a day off yesterday. Consciously if you know what I mean. 

I've found myself constantly contemplating all the time and I think I did my own head in with it so yesterday I said nope. No more. 

Yesterday I didn't feel right at all. I felt very solitude like so I locked myself in my room with classical music and I just lay.

This morning I got up miles better. Went out and fed the ducks and waterfowl. Bless them ❤️

IMG_20190125_112731.jpg

 

IMG_20190125_112735.jpg

 

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The local Pilates and yoga studio had an open day today with lots of free classes and stalls and stuff. All of the proceedings went to charity and there were free Pilates and yoga so how could I say no? xD

I've never burnt sage before so I bought some of that and a bottle of Kombucha :x

I was tapped on the soldier and I turned around and my yoga teacher was there with arms open wide. The instant I saw her my whole body fluttered with so much love and we gave each other the biggest deepest hug ever. You know like when you breath together chest to chest? It was like that. So loving. I'd not seen her in so long since the diagnosis. She's amazing and I adore her. 

She said to me during the conversation... "Have you felt the shift?" I said YES! She then went on to express how she's been feeling over the past week or so and no shit it was identical to myself and my other friend (other friend is not having a great time with it at the moment ❤️)

She ran a mini vinyasa flow practice and I felt 'home'. I'd not done yoga in what feels like forever. I lovingly thanked and smiled at the body after shavasana. 

I got back, just got back from a massive walk with the dogs and I'm currently sat here chilling my head off with a glass of kombucha ❤️

Going to burn some sage shortly and sit for evening meditation. 

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Took a rest day today. Friend cancelled at last minute so I had time to do nothing. And that's what I did. 

In the evening I tried my first attempt at the Wim hof method. I can definitely see this something I'll be incorporating into the daily routine. I actually had some fear around it, that's why I've put it off for so long. 

Before doing it I found the fear surfacing. Heart started to beat fast and adrenaline became present. I lay down and began and the fear wasn't even there. The type of fear that was previously present was through something I read so I took it on as a belief. 

I truly see the only way to overcome fear is to see the illusion and go into it as much as you possibly can, engulf and saturate yourself in the fear until you come out the other side. 

I'll journal how I get on with the method in the weeks to come. 

I cooked myself a huge plate of organic veggies and shallot gravy for tea. I'm still dealing with the sweet tooth but I've found something other than chocolate. 

Sliced apple with a tablespoon of peanut butter. Oh my god... Dip the apple into the peanut butter (all organic obvs)...

psekO3B.gif

 

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No update no cookie.


God is love

Whoever lives in love lives in God

And God in them

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Got up really early this morning to study. Highly recommend this playlist on Spotify for studying or just to listen to. Some beautiful music...Screenshot_20190129_073800_com.spotify.music.jpg

Everyone got their end of year math exam results over the weekend but I seem to be the only one who hasn't xD I'll find out tomorrow.

 

I'm becoming even more aware of deep motives in every day life. Not what I say but why. Like things you wouldn't usually know why. It's quite profound. Like a lightbulb moment happening. It can guide you to things that still need transcending or hidden insecurities you'd convinced yourself had gone. Basically your own BS. 

Yesterday I went to visit a friend for a short time. We got chatting etc and the comments he was coming out with weren't particularly kind or helpful. "Your weird now, you've changed, what happened to the Charlotte I used to see in town drinking dressed revealingly? Oh your one of them hippies now, into all that hippie shit?"  I understand his comments from his current perspective, people fear the unknown.

He even tried lying at one point about a piece of food claiming it was vegan when it clearly weren't and telling me to eat it ?

This tells me a lot about him.

Our energies no longer match... At all. So I'll be saying goodbye to him as a former friend. 

Philosophy class tonight, highlight of the week thus far :x

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Just back from philosophy class and sat for second sitting. Don't feel like talking so I'll update tomorrow. 

Let go, all is well ❤️

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